Conversations With Cristi: Part I
On Jan 30, 2012, at 1:15 AM, Cristi wrote:
Hey, thanks for getting back to me so fast. I totally feel ya on the character allotment. It’s a terrible hindrance for any sort of meaningful discussion. I should probably give you more about my background to help you see where I’m coming from.
I’ve lost way too many friends to heroine. I grew up with a rather rowdy bunch of friends. Lots of parties, loud music, concerts, etc. As we got older, the heroine epidemic hit my group of friends like a brickwall. After my first friend died, I made a concious decision to find a new group of friends because it just became utterly depressing to see people I grew up with nodding off on so-called methadone “treatment” or lying in filth, smacked out. I remainded friends with a lot of friends, just not all at once.
Then in 2008, my brother was found with his throat slit and his girlfriend doped out with no memory of what happened. They rulled it a “suicide.”
My best friend is a psyciatrist, so I have a somewhat of a good spring board for a lot of my problems, but she lives in Portland and has a little girl. We dont get to talk often enough. I’m familiar with the “grieving process.” I just cant get passed “anger.” Not at my friends. As a Native person I completely understand addiction. My anger is with the treatment of drug/alcohol abuse. So much of what is provided to patient covers up the syptoms, but never truly help with the addiction. I find myself more and more angry with the FDA and the disgusting capitalist bulls**t that runs our pharmacutical system.
Since most of my friends had heroine addiction, I have extensively researched Ibogaine. If you’re not sure what it is, here’s a link http://www.ibogaine.org/ I cannot understand why it is illegal in the US and why most of the lobbyists against ibogaine research represent methadone companies and others of the sort.
Some days I think I dwell on it way too much. I dont go a day without thinking about it. I want to get passed the anger I feel while not giving up my stance on the issue.
Cristi
From: Spencer Mellow ;
To: Cristi ;
Subject: Re: Discussion from Twitter
Sent: Mon, Jan 30, 2012 9:31:44 PM
Cristi-
Believe me when I say that I can relate to the pain and anger you feel. Granted, I have no right to say I know what you’ve been through, but the pain is relative between any and all who are affected by this. As you can gather from what I write about on the blog, I am not the biggest fan of the current state of the mental health/recovery world. I’ve done it all, man. Which has afforded me the opportunity to see first hand the exact issues that you have raised. Failed and naive policy, corrupt “treatment” centers/providers/advocates/spokespeople, increased stigma based on complete falsehood, and the soulless lobbyists & disease profiteers (ie… your feelings towards the prescription plutocracy). These are all things that I myself take issue with, as well. You have every reason to be angry. However, you recognize how toxic that s**t is. That tells me that you’ve entered into a stage of growth in your life. A time where it’s either fight or die. True, everything that we’ve talked about is deplorable. It would be easy for me to stay angry, but that would be a betrayal to myself. Same with you, as you mentioned. The conundrum has the power to remain this way forever, IF YOU LET IT. Awareness is the beginning. Then it’s the desire to change. Sounds like that’s already happened for you. Today you are at the “What’s Next” point. It’s now that I can actually offer any advice. I don’t know if we had struck up a discussion weeks (maybe even days) ago that it would’ve had the impact that this interaction will. Personally, I hate people who talktalktalktalktalk. Complaining incessantly. They remind me of seagulls.. Whiny and expecting others to just give them everything. I equally hate people who fight without philosophy. Who act without understanding. You are NEITHER of these people. I challenge you to seek out that happy balance. Continue to question everything. ONLY do so if a indiscriminate solution is your ultimate goal. Action in your case will be an honest search for your truth. The truth is never absolute. It should always be evolving. Beliefs need to be tested, or else you condemn yourself to a purgatory of sorts. Dead to growth, oblivious to the beauty taking place all around you. It’s okay to be angry too, it’s fucking natural! Again, ALWAYS SEEK THE SOLUTION. Think of what you can bring to the situation to help the suffering and to absolve the perpetrator. That’s what you should do next. Check out Carl Jung’s autobiography. The introduction is perfect for your situation.
I hope all of this makes sense! Ha! So… You have work to do if you truly want/need to move forward.
Remember: 1=Awareness, 2=Desire, 3=Exploration, & 4=Assessment. Honestly, the hard part is over. I have said these things because this is what I know. What was desolation is now optimism. These are my truths. That’s plenty of heavy conversation for today! Hahahaha- Let me know your thoughts. I look forward to hearing back from you.
Best
Spencer
On Feb 1, 2012, at 2:47 AM, Cristi wrote:
Hey Dude! You’re email made my day! I am so glad to hear from someone else that my thoughts and feelings are justified and, hopefully, more common place than I realize.
Growing up in the…gulp…so-called “punk scene” and being raised by very outspoken, American Indian Movement member Parents has made me hyper aware of the injustices surrounding everyone in industrialized society. It has also made me hyper aware of addiction and death.
I’ve been to more funerals for friends than anyone my age should have had to go to. With each one came more and more anger. It makes me more angry that I have no idea how or where to start my fight for justice.
Your email was exactly what I needed to hear! Growing up, I’ve been exposed to incredibly diverse spiritual guides. My grandma was our tribal healer, I practice Transcendental Meditation, we have had Monks staying with us. basically I’m the outcome of extreme nonconformist hippies.
I also learned a ton from the teachings of the Toltec and really strive to stick to my personal life agreements. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, there’s a great little book by Don Miguel Ruiz called “the four agreements.” It’s based around the teachings of Carlos Castenada.
Happiness is what it’s all about! Sometimes in my revolutionary state of mind, the line blurs and I tend to go into battle mode (You can take the girl out of the rez, but you cant take the rez out of the girl! Aye!)
Of course, never one to back down from a challenge, especially one that benefits my peace of mind, I whole heartedly accept!
It’s really rad to talk to someone with your insight and bravery! I cant tell you how much I respect you putting yourself out there and documenting your experience with such brutal honesty.
Oh! And I love to read so I will be checking out Carl Jung’s book asap!
One!
Cristi
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