Sniffing out fantasy on the Web
Leave it to a New Yorker cartoon to prod our thinking into reality, fantasy, and the online world of communication.
In this cartoon a terrier is having a conversation with another canine and says: “The thing I like about the Internet is that, online, no one knows you’re a dog.”
Wait for it.
Radford University tour guide Bunny Merritt, right, is reflected behind the ghostly image of a woman and a cat in a parlor mirror at La Rivere in Radford, VA. The image of Aunt Nannie and her cat was allegedly made when a lightning flash illuminated her, forever preserving the image. In the realm of Internet dating, images and fantasy can often pass for the real thing. (AP Photo/The Roanoke Times, Matt Gentry)
Reality and the Web
Murray Gordon, who has merged the worlds of psychology, philosophy, and computer science in his academic and professional careers, tells us what most of us already know about how the Internet stacks up against what we normally know as reality. BTW, the latter is a fuzzy concept at times, no?
“I have found … that there is a recurrent theme which spontaneously arises concerning the body and mind when people begin reflecting on their experiences in the online world,” Murray writes. “In the everyday world, we can see each other, and make judgements and evaluations of others, consciously or unconsciously, based on their physical appearance.
” What sex are they? What clothes are worn? Neat or messy? Young or old? Am I attracted to her or him? Do I appear attractive to him or her? But online these usual evaluations and judgments are turned on their head. One young woman tells me that what she really likes about internet chat rooms Is that ‘online, you can be whomever you want to be.’”
Personal experience
I have discovered this to be true myself. In my single years I ventured into the world of online dating and actually found Ms. Right waiting there for me. We’ve been married 11 years now, so the experience can definitely work.
However, as most online daters have found, the search is not always an easy one. Sometimes finding your soulmate is more like navigating a maze rather than following a clearly marked trail.
A year before meeting my wife Anne, I struck up an online relationship with a nice woman, half a continent away. Our online conversations seemed to bring out the best of us both as writers. Since our “relationship” was totally text based for several weeks, that was important, plus the fact we could make each other laugh pretty easily. Everything seemed to be clicking. We were both journalists and our love of words and well-turned phrases flourished in our exchanges.
You’ve Got Mail
It was like the scenes in You’ve Got Mail when Joe and Kathleen couldn’t wait to get home to their respective computers to read the other’s e-mail. And when two people who have never met can feel that way, fantasy must be playing a role in those expectations.
Finally, we faced the moment of decision that all online daters face: whether to risk what was a pretty satisfying fantasy, made up of daily online exchanges, to meet face to face and see whether fantasy matched reality. So I hopped on a plane and she met me at her airport.
Within the first five minutes I knew it was a mistake.
Just as sniffer dogs like Panda, this Border Collie, can smell aberrant cells and genes, some research indicates that humans have the ability to subconsciously sniff out different genes in other humans. (AP Photo/MTI, Barnabas Honeczy)
The fantasy-sinker was the non-verbals ,which aren’t part of the online experience. She laughed too hard and too quickly at things I said; sometimes even before I said them. The way she physically moved seemed out of synch with the way I thought she would. Something about the eye contact wasn’t quite right. Then there was something else: she just didn’t smell right. I was back on the plane the next morning, headed home alone.
Seinfeld lives
Reminds you of the nitpicking way Seinfeld evaluated his endless parade of dates, right? Maybe so, but all these nonverbals were real to me. And about the smell — what’s up with that? Not as strange as you might think, and I actually have some backup for that assertion. In addition to some recent studies done on how a person can actually sniff out a similar or opposite DNA, there is the following from Psychology Today:
“Psychologists Rachel Herz and Estelle Campenni were just getting to know each other, swapping stories about their lives over coffee, when Campenni confided something unexpected: She was living proof, she said, of love at first smell.
“‘I knew I would marry my husband the minute I smelled him,’ she told Herz. ‘I’ve always been into smell, but this was different; he really smelled good to me. His scent made me feel safe and at the same time turned on—and I’m talking about his real body smell, not cologne or soap. I’d never felt like that from a man’s smell before. We’ve been married for eight years now and have three kids, and his smell is always very sexy to me.”
Sniffing genes
And about that DNA sniffing? From Discovery Fit & Health, there is word of this study:
“In several studies, researchers have had women smell men’s used T-shirts and rank them according to how attractive the smell is. In the past, women have indicated that the most pleasurable shirts belong to men with different major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes than they do, so scientists believe that women can subconsciously smell a man’s genes. MHC genes, which affect the immune system, have been determined to play a role in everything from sexual attraction to marital happiness.”
When’s the last time you smelled anything or anyone on the Web?
A test will follow
OK, I agree this is starting to sound weird, but my points remain:
1. Fantasy is alive and well in communication exchanges happening in the virtual world.
2. While fantasies provide a welcome escape from a harsh reality at times, they also provide a weak foundation for relationships that must enter — at some point — the world of reality.
3. Nonverbal communication often is the litmus test to measure whether fantasy matches reality for two people considering a relationship together.
And don’t forget the question inherent in that New Yorker cartoon: How do you know the person on the other end is really human at all?
Thank you for joining our conversation on A Virtual Unknown. We encourage your discussion but ask that you stay within the bounds of our commenting and posting policy.
Comments
The fact that you can be whoever you want online is the major red flag for me when it comes to meeting people online. I know that not every person online is a predator or serial killer…especially since I spend significant amounts of time online, but I am still cautious. I am another person that gets vibes off of people based off of body language and nonverbal communication. Even when it comes to creating friendships. I have to feel something between us. If the conversation is great but something about them makes me feel uncomfortable around them then I cannot be around them. This is something that cannot be decided online.
It is incredibly true that the online world poses a major problem. If we don’t know the people with whom we are conversing on a personal level, we have no idea who we are actually talking to. They could be a different age or sex, and even worse, an online predator. You have to browse the web with extreme caution these days. I remember when I found a friend through Facebook that I used to be best friends with when I went to elementary school in South Korea. We chatted about how our lives were going and realized that they were almost parallel. It was crazy. We instantly clicked once more, and decided to meet up the summer after our senior year ended. However, when I hung out with this girl for the first time in years, she seemed so much different than the person I talked to online. I thought we would become best friends again, but to no avail. Unfortunately we have not talked since that meeting, but I am okay with that. That whole story just goes to show that people can be much different when you see them in person. However, not all online interactions are bad. As you mentioned, I have seen my fair share of couples meet online and get married a year down the road. The Internet can be used for a vast array of things, some bad and some good. I think the way in which we use the Internet is up to us, and as long as we are careful, we can enjoy it.
The online world can be very dangerous because we talked to people that we don’t know. Sicne online dating started many people have change the way they look for their ultimate soul mate. Women are planning dates with guys that they meet online not knowing that they can be serial killers or predadors. We have seen so many girls killed after going to a date with a persont that they meet online.In my opinion body languge is very important on internet we are not able to see that.I personally have never dated someone that I meet online.
I think it’s amazing that you were able to meet the person you were supposed to marry on the Internet, but I know that isn’t always how it is. I’ve always been weary of the Internet, partially because of all the horror stories portrayed on the news and in Lifetime movies, but mostly because I think that often times when you meet someone on the Internet you don’t meet the real them, you meet who they want you to meet. The anonymity of the Internet allows people to portray themselves only in a positive light, highlighting only their accomplishments and good qualities, leaving everything else out. This practice is understandable, as no one wants to broadcast their flaws, but I think real relationships develop when you can know both the good and bad sides of a person and choose to focus on the good. With the Internet, people aren’t given the choice of what to focus on. I personally know of many people who have met on the Internet and have built lasting relationships, but it’s also important to recognize that almost anyone can look good on paper, but people you might be compatible with on eHarmony or Facebook could turn out to be a person you don’t mesh with in person.
I found the blog on “Finding Fantasy on the Web” to be a very interesting blog. I found that today many young people are getting on the web to build relationships or even find someone. I know that two of my close friends are online looking for that special someone. In my own opinion, it is not a very good idea but that is for me personally, but in some cases that is ok. Some people although are able to build a personal relationship through the web and it work for them. Yet I found this blog to be very inspiring that finding love on the web is ok.
I really enjoyed reading this because online dating is fascinating to me. I personally have not attempted online dating but I am happy for all of the people that have. It definitely isnt for everyone but it really works out well for some people. Im not so sure about the whole smell theory but I am also not going to count it out completely. I think that if two people are really attracted to each other that everything becomes important…including smell.
I really enjoyed reading this blog. I feel that people have gotten so consumed with communicating with people online that they have forgotten how nice it is to talk to people face to face. There is nothing wrong with online dating, however, people should meet in person immediately to make sure there is chemistry. Someone may be very appealing online, however, in person the attraction may completely fade. Overall, this blog was very interesting to read.
This blog really made me think how we should limit certain activities on the web, especially relational activities. When it comes to the online dating it really seems to bring to ones attention the little aspects of personal face to face relationships that we seem to take for granted, like mentioned how someone smells or laughs or kinisthetically responds. It reminded me of finding a really good book and you are reading the traits of characters and as you are given the specifics you fill in the rest with your own mind so that you have this seemingly perfectly matched picture of the character. Then a movie comes out of the big and it seems as though the actors casted for the characters are all wrong and in no way match the picture you have built, though they are portraying the same characteristics. This seems very similar to the stories of online dating and I think it is an area that must be recognized and one should expect in one way or another to be dissapointed if you come to build a person soley through textual contact and not face to face personal interaction.
I find the concept of smelling people’s DNA to be quite interesting. I did not think that DNA actually had a smell, but it is really interesting to see studies starting to show that women can smell the differences. I know different people had different smells, but I did not know that some of them could be attractive without it being cologne or perfume. I never thought it could possibly be our DNA that has a smell.
Whitney,
Isn’t that a strange finding: that we can actually sniff out another person’s DNA without knowing it, and that we are attracted to opposite DNAs?
This was an interesting article for a number of reasons. I like the opening cartoon. It is so true that the internet allows you to be whomever you want. This is a really frightening thought but a reality of the day and age that we live in. Another aspect of the article I found to be intriguing was the study on smells. The more I think about I agree with this study. I definitely pay attention to the way men smell and it really does affect how I feel about them. I guess I never really paid attention to that connection until now.
With my dad being a lawyer he has come across many cases where young girls will be talking to someone they think is their age and right for them but in reality it is a perverted old man just trying to meet up with them. Sadly, some of these instances ended up in murders or rapes. The internet is so very dangerous and when using it as a tool to form relationships one must be extremely careful. Also one must shelter their kids as much as they can because they are young innocent and vulnerable; they do not know better. However, my aunt met her now husband on match.com and they are going on 12 years of marriage. It all depends how you approach it and how careful you are.
I think that many aspects of this article are interesting. First of all, I have a couple friends that are experimenting with online dating. When they first told me, I didn’t know how to react. Not because I don’t think that it is possible to find someone compatible online, as that has been disproved over and over. Rather, I personally worry more for the safety of the people because I look into forensic psychology a lot and see the types of people that can sometimes use internet dating sites. Of course that is not the norm, but it is still my first concern when I hear about it. However, I have heard both sides of the situation. I have a friend that met a guy online who seemed really ideal in his walk with God, his hobbies, his education, etc. However, when they met she found that he had basically lied about much of that and was saying what she wanted to hear in order to take advantage of her. Yet I also have a friend who recently started meeting with someone online and she says that it is working out really well so far. I just think that when hidden behind a computer, a person can invent themselves into anyone they need to be in that moment. As for what you said about her not being the same in person as she was over text…I think that being able to think about a response more and planning what you will say each time you say it makes it much easier to be clever and creative. In person, it is not so easy to do so!
I find that the online world is very mysterious in a way that a person does not really fully understand what they are getting themselves into especially when it comes to a personal level. Many of us have seen from television shows, the news and etc. when a person has been in harms way due to someone posing as someone else online. Also, how a person may act online can be very different from how they actually act in a face to face situation. Many times people form bonds over social sites, and when they meet face to face, there is a lack of spark. I believe many times there is a lack of spark due to a lot of people hide behind their computers and become numb to what real emotions are.
I really enjoyed reading this blog post. I found myself agreeing and following along with a lot of the information that was shared and explained. What really struck me was the concept of “smells.” I have never really thought about smelling someone and being in tune with my reaction or response to the way they might smell to me personally. I have nothing against those who choose to use online dating websites or are matched over the internet. However, I personally think that there needs to be a filter for what takes place purely over the internet. In my other Comm. class I have been learning about the non-verbal communication that takes place between people. Body language, eye contact, smells, and examination are all just examples of some of the different things that take place between people between the words that are being exchanged. For the most part, a lot of value can be held more important in one’s non-verbal connection to someone than the actual verbal conversation.