The Thirsty Beagle is back for day two of the 2nd annual Way-Out-of-Context Big 12 Quotes. Today we have Missouri, OSU, Kansas State and Texas Tech, which unfortunately no longer has Mike Leach to provide his trademark sarcasm. Alas, we continue with real coach quotes and the official Thirsty Beagle interpretation.
Let’s start with the still-part-of-the-Big-12 Tigers.
Missouri coach Gary Pinkel: “Well I think what kind of happened to us a little bit was that a lot of players going to the NFL the last few years were coming back leaner than what we had them. …They lean them up a little bit more than what we did.”
The Thirsty Beagle: Missouri: home of fat and slow football players.
Pinkel: “We have a lady that works in our player development area that just deals with nutrition. That’s one of her areas.”
TTB: I’m not clear here; is it the only things she deals with, or one of her areas? If I’m this woman, I’m holding out for a better contract.
Pinkel: “Those decisions — they don’t ask me. If I gave my opinion, it wouldn’t matter.”
TTB: I can feel the confidence and self-assuredness flowing over here.
Next up is the 43-year-old Mike Gundy:
Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy: “This upcoming season provides us with an opportunity for us to develop some new faces, let some of these young guys get in the fold quick, gain a lot of experience.”
TTB: Translation: We’re going to get killed.
Gundy: (In response to a question about how the new offense is going) “I guess the best answer for your question is it’s gone much smoother than what I would have thought it would have gone early in spring.”
TTB: Translation: I thought we were really going to suck.
Gundy: “Obviously, he had some success in the second half, our football team did, and he was in the second half.”
TTB: This year’s award for Master of the Obvious goes to: Mike Gundy!
Gundy: “I think it should be a great game, and obviously the chance to play on TV is good for everybody involved. Other than that, I don’t really know a lot of difference from Thursday to Saturday.”
TTB: Yet another good reason for Gundy to give up play calling: it’s better to have someone making the game plan who knows the difference between Thursday and Saturday.
Now we move on to the ghost of Bill Snyder, I mean, Bill Snyder:
Kansas State coach Bill Snyder: Moderator: “Coach, you want to make an opening statement? You generally don’t, but if you choose to do so, we’d love to have you do it.” Snyder: “I don’t.”
TTB: Hey, the guy’s old. He can’t be wasting time on long, rambling soliloquies.
Snyder: (In response to question about whether he’ll have knee surgery) “…We’re going to have to put it off until after the season. So I’m still not sure whether we will or won’t. Depends on whether I decide to go back to playing golf or not.”
TTB: Bill Snyder’s priority list: 1. Golf. 2. Knee surgery. 3. Football.
Snyder: “We came out of the spring with three young guys that were viable contenders for the No. 1 quarterback spot. Is that good or bad? You could make a case either way.”
TTB: So go ahead and make your case, buddy, ’cause Old Man Snyder sure as hell ain’t doing it for you!
Snyder: “I think somebody told me the other day that we returned five catches outside of Daniel at the wide receiver position.”
TTB: You think someone told you, or they did? Because that’s some pretty specific information to not be sure if someone actually told it to you.
Snyder: “I can understand both sides of the fence.”
TTB: Man, I didn’t even know you could understand a fence in the first place, let along both sides of it.
Snyder: “I thought it was a great conference as well.”
TTB: Now he just thinks it’s a giant pile of human waste.
And finishing things up today is the new man on campus, Tommy Tuberville.
Texas Tech coach Tommy Tuberville: “Defensively, we want our defense to take a step up. We want to let them know that they’re part of the team.”
TTB: Time to start pulling your weight, defense. You no-account, good-for-nothing, trouble-making so-and-so’s!
Tuberville: (On who will start at quarterback) “So this is just part of their growing process coming here today, and at the end of the day we’ll have a vote, and we’ll let you (media) pick out the starter. That will make it easier on me.”
TTB: Ha. Ha. Pretty funny, Tuberville. Trying to work the media, huh? Well maybe you’re a little too funny, pal. I’ve got my eye on you, Tuberville.
Tuberville: “We’ll have a starting quarterback for the first game.”
TTB: Dammit. There goes my dream that Tuberville was going to try to out-do Leach by being even more zany and not even starting a quarterback in the first game.
Tuberville: “There’s not a stat in the game where a quarterback throws it 70 times and completes 35 and four touchdowns.”
TTB: Ummm, coach, actually there is a stat. It’s called “35-of-70 with four touchdown passes.” I don’t know how much you know about football.
Tuberville: “One thing to tell you, you got to Tech and throwing the ball and made a lot of yards, the error rate, it’s good, scored points, won some games.”
And we’ll wrap day two up on that thoroughly confusing note. Check back tomorrow for day three, featuring Bob Stoops, Mack Brown and two other guys. You know, whoever’s coaching Colorado and Kansas these days. Those guys.