Welcome to Week 6 of The Thirsty Beagle’s Big 12 (Lack of) Power Poll. To start things off today, picture one of those low-budget, in-house, promotional commercials they play during halftime to promote universities. And, action:
“How low do you have to go to be lower than low? At Colorado University, we’re pushing those boundaries every day. With a coach who’s developing permanent creases on his forehead from wearing a constant worried look to a coach’s-son quarterback with questionable arm strength, at CU, you can aim low!”
Now on with the rankings!
1. Colorado (1-4, lost to Texas 38-14; next, vs. Kansas) Is it even accurate to describe this Colorado team as the “lowly Buffs”? I mean, lowly suggests they’re pretty low, but maybe not the lowest. I’m going with the “lower Buffs” from now on. Throw out any team you want, the Buffs will be lower. Also, I’m taking up a collection so Colorado officials can afford Dan Hawkins’ buyout. The look on his face Saturday was somewhere between “I can’t wait to get out of here” and “It’ll be hard to never talk to my son again, but at this point, I think that’s for the best.”
2. Kansas State (3-3, lost to Texas Tech 66-14; next, vs. Texas A&M) Remember how Kansas State lost to Louisiana-Lafayette? The TameCats must have been so impressed, they decided to play with as much skill and talent as ULL against Texas Tech. Certainly an embarrassing in-conference loss.
3. Baylor (3-2, lost to Oklahoma 33-7; next, at Iowa State) The Bears put up a good fight Saturday; too bad Baylor’s good fight still nets a 26-point loss. Alas, the drive for six (wins) remains alive. Only problem? There may not be three more wins on Baylor’s schedule.
4. Iowa State (3-3, lost 41-36 to Kansas; next, vs. Baylor) Iowa State put up a heck of a fight at Kansas, and even had a chance to score the go-ahead touchdown late. Pretty wild turnaround for a team whose coach basically admitted they’d be in for a dogfight against the likes of North Dakota State. What’s even wilder? Iowa State may have a more realistic shot at bowl eligibility than Baylor. Who would have thought that at the start of the year?
5. Texas A&M (3-2, lost 36-31 to Oklahoma State; next, at Kansas State) The Aggies offensive line looked like a certain variety of cheese. That’d be Swiss. And not baby Swiss. We’re talking big-eye Swiss. Really big. Put it this way: When OSU’s underwhelming defensive front gets four sacks and bats down like five passes, you’ve got protection issues in a bad way.
6. Missouri (4-1, lost 27-12 to Nebraska; next, at Oklahoma State) It’s kind of difficult to rate a 4-1 team this lacking in power, but Missouri certainly stunk up the joint on national television on Thursday night. Whether is was the weather or their gimpy quarterback or their complete absence of a running game (91 yards), they didn’t look very impressive.
7. Texas Tech (4-2, beat Kansas State 66-14; next, at Nebraska) After the completion of this blog post, The Thirsty Beagle will enroll in classes at Texas Tech so I can take one last stab at college athletic glory. I’ve never played quarterback, but since apparently anyone can throw multiple touchdowns for the Red Raiders, I should be good for at least 300 yards and five touchdown passes.
8. Kansas (5-0, beat Iowa State 41-36; next, at Colorado) You might think it’s wrong to put an undefeated team this low in the standings. Let’s look inside the numbers (What does that even mean? Can I open up numbers and see inside of them?). Kansas has played five nobodies and with the lower Buffs, have a sixth on tap. Those six teams right now have a combined record of 13-22. None of them have a better-than-.500 record. Let me be clear: the Jayhawks have not been tested.
9. Oklahoma (3-2, beat Baylor 33-7; next, vs. Texas) So the OU receivers had a team-wide case of the dropsies. That’ll happen. But when it happens against guys that could barely qualify as walk-ons at OU, that’s not good. What’ll happen when the Sooners play live bodies on Saturday against Texas?
10. Oklahoma State (4-1, beat Texas A&M 36-31; next, vs. Missouri) Cowboys benefited from Texas A&M’s general lack of ability, but still, a road conference win is not to be treated lightly. Several receivers got into the act with big third-down catches and the offensive line appears to be gelling a little. Both good signs going forward.
11. Nebraska (4-1, beat Missouri 27-12; next, vs. Texas Tech) As bad as Missouri looked, Nebraska looked just as bad — if not worse — for three quarters. But pulling out a road conference win in those conditions has to count for something, so the Huskers find themselves in this poll’s second best/worst spot.
12. Texas (5-0, Beat Colorado 38-14; next, vs. Oklahoma) What a couple weeks ago looked like a sure-thing Texas win in the Red River game got a little dicey over the weekend. The Longhorns didn’t look like world beaters against the lower Buffs. They turned the ball over twice near their own goal line and only scored two offensive touchdowns. Texas’ blocked-punt touchdown came when Colorado lined up a snapper and punter and sent everyone else over to the sideline, and the interception return for a touchdown came on a throw that was sooooo (extra Os added for emphasis. I mean, did you see that throw?) bad it caused a father to bench his quarterback son. Needless to say, the Longhorns will have to try to make their own breaks this weekend or risk having their first gain in (lack of) power rankings this season.