Beckham needs beer assist
Ah, the ever-faithful beer. Always there when you need it. Like all those times when you’re enjoying a tailgate, having dinner with friends or relaxing after a hard day’s work. And when you’re finished with your professional soccer match and are asked to fill a cup with urine for a drug test.
BCS drinking game
Here’s a great idea for a drinking game involving last night’s BCS championship game: If you DVRd the game, play it back and take a drink every time the play is stopped for an unknown reason, every time the clock malfunctions, every time the refs look like they don’t know what’s going on, every time the announcers say stuff that doesn’t make sense or completely state the obvious, every time the play is stopped for an injury/penalty/perplexing officials conference and, of course, every time Tim Tebow is regarded as the second coming. On second thought, don’t do that. That would be very dangerous to your health.
Seriously, was that not just about the most disjointed, stop-and-start, hard to watch football game that has ever been played? If I had to rate my annoyance with certain aspects of the game, I would count it down like this:
3. The constant stoppages in play. There were reviews of obvious plays, reviews of mystery plays, referees conferencing after just about every play and a string of injuries. And is it any wonder players get hurt when they go full tilt for three months and then are asked to take a full month away from game action before trying to suddenly turn it back on?
2. The bumbling announcers. They didn’t know if it was third or fourth down. They didn’t know when a guy was clutching his knee that he hadn’t hurt some other body part. They apparently didn’t know that they don’t need to explain things like “they’re
not going to quit in this game,” and “they’d really like to score here.” And my personal non-favorite, the repeated explanation — with four-way split screen — that first, OU’s offensive coordinator calls in the plays, then the coaches signal the play, then the quarterback takes the snap. Is that how it works? Thanks.
1. Tim “Jesus” Tebow. I mean, do I need much more explanation here? I knew the national media loved Tim Tebow, but the Tim Tebow love-in that took place Thursday night was beyond my comprehension levels. Here are some fake quotes I made up to illustrate my point: “Tim Tebow is like a father to me,” “Tim Tebow is a man of unwavering faith and composure who, if necessary, can live without oxygen for more than four days,” and “Tim Tebow: If you don’t think he’s the greatest man to walk the earth, I will hunt you down and beat you.” OK! I GET IT! YOU LOVE TIM TEBOW! Please, Tim Tebow, leave college football now. If for no other reason than I personally CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
Beer + the homeless + biting police = Bad idea
We can all appreciate someone who takes time out of their busy schedule to volunteer at a homeless shelter. But the folks at the Paz de Cristo community outreach ministry for the homeless in Mesa, Ariz., weren’t so appreciative of 55-year-old Linda Lewis.
Lewis was volunteering at the shelter Monday evening, passing out cans of pop. But shelter workers asked her to leave because she had a dog with her. Lewis decided it would be good at that point to pass out bottles of beer to homeless people on the sidewalk outside the shelter.
A police officer then explained she wasn’t allowed to do that on shelter property. So she decided to try to continue to pass out beer bottles, this time just outside the property line.
Big shock coming: Police said Lewis was detained and searched by a female officer, who Lewis lunged at and bit on the hand. Then it was off to jail.
The lesson here: When the trifecta of beer, the homeless and attacking a police officer converge, it will usually end up with someone in jail.
Beer news
Here’s some news making the rounds in the beer world:
-Anheuser-Busch InBev said it will shut down one of the world’s oldest functioning breweries.
-A couple guys from New York were crowned champion at the World Series of Beer Pong in Vegas, claiming the $50,000 prize. The winning team, known as “Smashing Time,” is referred to in this report as being “a household name in the sport of beer pong.” 1. Beer pong is not a real sport. 2. Which household would that be in? The houses those guys live in, maybe.
-Great surveillance video here of a beer thief subtly sneaking off with two 30 packs. And by subtly sneaking off, I mean hauling tail like a mad man with a case under each arm.
-SeaWorld and Busch Gardens will stop handing out free beer samples. Beer fans will stop going to SeaWorld and Busch Gardens.
More Coors Light commercials
Probably my favorite beer commercials are the Coors Light spots featuring out-of-work NFL football coaches. I posted some a few months back. Here are some of the more recent ones that I thought were particularly funny:
-This one has Brian Billick and Mike Ditka.
-Here’s another funny Billick spot.
I’ve been trying to find the new commercial that features Barry “Worst Coach in the History of Football” Switzer, but have had no luck on youtube and anywhere else online. Send me a link if you can find it.
I don’t really think Switzer is the worst, I was just trying to get some Oklahoma University fans all riled up.
Giving beer a bad name, Vol. 7
A man in India known as the “beer man” has been sentenced to life in prison after being convicted of murder. As his calling card, the guy apparently left a can of beer by the bodies of his victims. Here’s the wire story:
An Indian killer, nicknamed the “beer man” for reportedly leaving empty beer cans near the bodies of his victims, has been sentenced to life in prison.
Ravindra Kantrole, aged in his early 30s, was suspected of being behind seven murders in south Mumbai between October 2006 and January 2007. The only link in the cases was a beer can left by each body.
However, after his arrest two years ago, Kantrole was charged with only three of the seven murders and won an acquittal in two cases.
The Mumbai court ruled that the forensic evidence, coupled with witness testimony, was sufficient to convict him of the murder of a homeless man.
He was sentenced by the court on Friday.
More proof that Brits take their beer seriously
The media in England are serious about covering beer stories. I’m not sure how else you explain this “news” story that made the Web site for the Daily Mail newspaper. Get ready for this bombshell of a story: A 40-year-old woman is asked for ID at a beer store. WHOA!!! Hold on there! Big news! Here’s the headline on the Web story:
“…staff refuse to let 40-year-old mother buy beer – because she looked too young”
I’m not saying it’s not impressive that a 40-year-old mother of two could look young enough to raise suspicions at a liquor store, but isn’t the reason anyone is stopped at a liquor store because they look too young? Maybe it was a slow news day. Those happen. Or maybe, as The Thirsty Beagle suspects, without beer, Simon Cowell and soccer hooliganism, the entire United Kingdom would cease to be relevant in the United States.
Anyone for beer hockey or bowl games?
This story is a classic example of a fine waste of beer, but with a twist. Speaking of hockey, did anyone catch the Winter Classic game between Chicago and Detroit yesterday? Does anyone around here watch hockey in the first place? I grew up playing hockey, so to me, hockey’s a lot of fun. I will say this of the Winter Classic, though: It was a lot cooler when it was snowing in Buffalo last year, especially in HD. Yesterday looked like a dreary day for a game, plus there’s something weird about not having fans sitting around the rink. Last year, I tuned in to the Winter Classic for a few minutes here and there, pretty much just to see the snow in HD. This year, I actually watched quite a bit of the game, mainly because yesterday’s bowl games were such snoozers. New Year’s Day is supposed to be the best day of bowl games, but man, yesterday did not do it for me. Only the Nebraska-Clemson game was really that competitive, and that game wasn’t necessarily a battle of outstanding skill. It was more a contest of who could avoid giving the game away better. Of all the games, the one I enjoyed most was the Rose Bowl. But not for the game, or the pomp and pageantry, per se. I enjoyed the 
fact USC looks like a dominating force and possibly the best team in the country. That first-half display essentially validated two things: 1. The Big Ten sucks. 2. We need a college football playoff. How much insane hype would there be for a game featuring the winner of Florida-OU squaring off against USC in a real championship? It would be bananas. Bonkers. Off the charts. So let’s have it, AP poll voters: Pick USC No. 1. That’ll be just the type of controversy we need.
