Characters Welcome Emmys
This time of year, every network is touting its series and stars for Emmy consideration. USA Network, however, is doing something different.
In anticipation of “The 60th annual Primetime Emmy Awards,” which will air live Sept. 21 on ABC, the network has issued a press release of Emmy acceptance speeches – not from the actors, but from the characters they portray.
According to USA, here is what the characters would say or do if they came face to face with the orb-holding winged statue named Emmy:
Adrian Monk (“Monk”): Center it perfectly on my mantel. Or maybe it should go on the table. After cleaning it, of course. Actually, the mantle is better. But let me get some wipes and clean it first.
Michael Westen (“Burn Notice”): When you work in covert intelligence, there are a lot of uses for an Emmy. First and foremost, the award is basically just a five and a half pound bludgeon attached to two seven-inch knives – an attractive multi-purpose weapon you can leave on your mantelpiece. It’s also useful as a location for a bugging device, since awards are usually in high-traffic locations where people like to talk. Of course, it’s a little tough to stay undercover when you win an Emmy… but every operation has its challenges.
Shawn Spencer and Burton “Gus” Guster (“Psch”):
Shawn: Dude, we won an Emmy. Who should we thank?
Gus: First of all, you should thank me — for putting up with your nonsense. Then you always thank the members of the Academy.
Shawn: Wait, who’re they?
Gus: All the people who casts secret ballots for us.
Shawn: Oooo, a secret society that controls things. What are they like, Skull and Bones?
Gus: No, they control the government.
Shawn: The Mob?
Gus: They control crime. The Academy members work in media.
Shawn: I thought media was controlled by the–
Gus: (interrupting; to camera) We’d like to thank the Academy for this great honor. Please keep watching our show.
Gus: (cuts Shawn a look) I can’t take you anywhere.
Shawn: Dude, are you the Academy?
Gus: (beat) No, Shawn. I am not the Academy.
Detectives Robert Goren and Alex Eames (“Law & Order: Criminal Intent”):
Goren (getting off phone): Eames, that was the Captain. We won an Emmy.
Eames: Did we? That’s interesting.
Goren: The Statuette … it’s of a winged woman, holding an atom. The wings represent the muse of art.
Eames: And the atom?
Goren: The atom … the atom. It’s in my notes somewhere. Here: the atom and the muse speak to the Academies’ goal of uplifting the art and science of television. And the statuettes … they’re manufactured by a private company, at the El Dorado Correctional Facility, in Kansas.
Eames: Good to know.
Detectives Mike Logan and Nola Falacci (“Law & Order: Criminal Intent”):
Falacci: Logan, this fax just came in. We won an Emmy.
Logan: An Emmy. Great, just what we need.
Falacci: You’re not happy about this?
Logan: C’mon Falacci, I’m on the job twenty years, they think they can buy me now?
Falacci: Logan, they’re not trying to buy you. It’s an honor.
Logan: An honor? Now I have to get a tux. A shirt. Cuff links. I have to drive to the airport, get on a plane. Make a speech. Sit next to a bunch of beautiful people and dance til dawn.
Falacci: What’s so bad about that?
Logan: By the time we get back home the corpses will be piled up so high at the ME’s we’ll have to work double shifts.
Falacci: So you want me to tell them we’re not interested?
Logan: We can’t do that. Tell ‘em we’ll take it, just this once.
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