Welcome to StaticBlog’s Live Coverage of the 84th Annual Academy Awards
7:05 p.m. StaticBlog now begins its live coverage of the Oscars, live from the Whatever Theatre in Hollywood, Calif. Of course, StaticBlog is coming in late, because Tim Gunn’s fashion commentary gives me scurvy. At any rate, we’ll get through the next 17 hours better if we all band together, so comment frequently, except when “The Artist” wins something, which we’ll record in yellow subtitles.
7:20 p.m. Natalie Portman on Billy Crystal: “He’s not going to be mean.” Natalie, you’re wonderful, but is that the standard we’re holding now? He won’t flay people? Give us Jon Stewart. Give us Conan. Give us Ricky Gervais, for the love of all things premeditated in their rancor.
7:27 p.m. What do you think the chances are that Billy Crystal’s medley will feature a section entirely in subtitles? Place your bets now.
7:30 p.m. God is speaking.
7:31 p.m. I win.
7:32 p.m. Why was that creepier than the average Justin Bieber cameo?
7:34 p.m. That “M:I: Ghost Protocol” sketch about 3D being so realistic was awesome, especially since it was a 2D IMAX production.
7:35 p.m. Waiter, there is too much Billy Crystal in my paprikosh.
7:38 p.m. Except for the Moldy Peaches segment of our medley, I’m expecting a naked guy to run in front of David Niven any minute.
7:41 p.m. Tom Hanks announces:
Cinematography
“The Artist” Guillaume Schiffman
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Jeff Cronenweth
“Hugo” Robert Richardson
“The Tree of Life” Emmanuel Lubezki
“War Horse” Janusz Kaminski
And the winner is Richardson for “Hugo.”
Art Direction
- “The Artist”
Production Design: Laurence Bennett; Set Decoration: Robert Gould - “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2″
Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan - “Hugo”
Production Design: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo - “Midnight in Paris”
Production Design: Anne Seibel; Set Decoration: Hélène Dubreuil - “War Horse”
Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Lee Sandales
And the Oscar goes to Feretti and Lo Sciavo for “Hugo.” This might be all that happens for Scorsese’s film tonight, but it richly deserved both of these.
7:49 p.m. How does ABC expect to effectively market their cowardly named “GCB” when it sounds like a brand of soft-serve yogurt?
7:51 p.m. What in the name of all things holy is the theme to this montage? People kissing? Sharks? Those aren’t pillows? Film quotes that have become cliches?
7:53 p.m. Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez announce:
Costume Design
- “Anonymous” Lisy Christl
- “The Artist” Mark Bridges
- “Hugo” Sandy Powell
- “Jane Eyre” Michael O’Connor
- “W.E.” Arianne Phillips
And the winner is: Mark Bridges. And away we go!
And now they announce:
Makeup
- “Albert Nobbs”
Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew W. Mungle - “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2″
Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin - “The Iron Lady”
Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland
And the winner is:
“The Iron Lady.”
8:01 p.m. Adam Sandler: “I remember talking about Sean Connery and his performance and his chest hair, and just saying, ‘Can I please do that?’” Huh? Sandler wants to do Sean Connery’s chest hair?
8:05 p.m. Sandra Bullock announces:
Foreign Language Film
- “Bullhead” Belgium
- “Footnote” Israel
- “In Darkness” Poland
- “Monsieur Lazhar” Canada
- “A Separation” Iran
And the statue goes to…
“A Separation.” Amazing film — opens in Oklahoma City in two weeks, or earlier if Sony Pictures Classics decides to take advantage of this. Hint hint.
8:09 p.m. Christian Bale announces:
Actress in a Supporting Role
- Bérénice Bejo in “The Artist”
- Jessica Chastain in “The Help”
- Melissa McCarthy in “Bridesmaids”
- Janet McTeer in “Albert Nobbs”
- Octavia Spencer in “The Help”
And it goes to:
Octavia Spencer. “PleasewrapupI’mwrappingupI’msorryI’mfreakingoutthankyouworldohgod…”
8:18 p.m. Jeez. That joke about there not being any black people within 45 minutes of Beverly Hills? Not only did it thud, it did so thunderously. Bad.
8:20 p.m. This Christopher Guest-directed focus group skit about the “Wizard of Oz” focus group is brilliant. Best moment of the evening.
8:23 p.m. Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper announce:
Film Editing
- “The Artist” Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius
- “The Descendants” Kevin Tent
- “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
- “Hugo” Thelma Schoonmaker
- “Moneyball” Christopher Tellefsen
And the winner is:
“The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.” Now, Fey and Cooper announce:
Sound Editing
- “Drive” Lon Bender and Victor Ray Ennis
- “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Ren Klyce
- “Hugo” Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty
- “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” Ethan Van der Ryn and Erik Aadahl
- “War Horse” Richard Hymns and Gary Rydstrom
And the winner is “Hugo.” Stockton and Gearty are available for weddings, bar mitzvah’s and children’s birthday parties.
But wait, there’s more:
Sound Mixing
- “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Bo Persson
- “Hugo” Tom Fleischman and John Midgley
- “Moneyball”Deb Adair, Ron Bochar, David Giammarco and Ed Novick
- “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Jeffrey J. Haboush and Peter J. Devlin
- “War Horse”
Gary Rydstrom, Andy Nelson, Tom Johnson and Stuart Wilson
And Hugo wins this one, too. Tech sweep!
8:34 p.m. Kermit and Piggy are apparently sitting on Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.
8:37 p.m. Yes, I was just sitting here thinking, “You know what’s missing? Cirque du Soleil!”
8:39 p.m. There goes Billy Crystal, crapping all over the average age of the Academy voter.
8:41 p.m. Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow announce…
Documentary (Feature)
- “Hell and Back Again”
Danfung Dennis and Mike Lerner - “If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front” Marshall Curry and Sam Cullman
- “Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory” Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky
- “Pina” Wim Wenders and Gian-Piero Ringel
- “Undefeated”
- TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay and Rich Middlemas
And the winner is “Undefeated.” Hoping for a West Memphis 3 victory, but there you go.
8:46 p.m. Chris Rock denies an Oscar to Pixar in the following category:
Animated Feature Film
- “A Cat in Paris” Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli
- “Chico & Rita” Fernando Trueba and Javier Mariscal
- “Kung Fu Panda 2″ Jennifer Yuh Nelson
- “Puss in Boots” Chris Miller
- “Rango” Gore Verbinski
And the winner goes to…
“Rango,” a.k.a. “My First Hunter S. Thompson Acid Flashback for Kidz.”
8:52 p.m. Following a meh skit between Billy Crystal and Melissa McCarthy in a bathrobe, Emma Stone does some wacky perky things before cutting the already diminutive Ben Stiller down to size and announcing:
Visual Effects
- “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2″ Tim Burke, David Vickery, Greg Butler and John Richardson
- “Hugo”
Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossmann and Alex Henning - “Real Steel” Erik Nash, John Rosengrant, Dan Taylor and Swen Gillberg
- “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”
Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, R. Christopher White and Daniel Barrett - “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Matthew Butler and John Frazier
- And the trophy goes to “Hugo,” which would be a great movie even without all these tech achievements, I swear.
8:58 p.m. Melissa Leo bites her tongue and announces…
Actor in a Supporting Role
- Kenneth Branagh in “My Week with Marilyn”
- Jonah Hill in “Moneyball”
- Nick Nolte in “Warrior”
- Christopher Plummer in “Beginners”
- Max von Sydow in “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”
And finally, after 50 years of filmmaking…
Christopher Plummer, who turns to his statuette and says, “You’re only two years older than me, darling, where have you been all my life?”
9:07 p.m. Try the veal. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m going to be here all week.
9:12 p.m. Penelope Cruz and some guy with a broken nose announce:
Music (Original Score)
- “The Adventures of Tintin” John Williams
- “The Artist” Ludovic Bource
- “Hugo” Howard Shore
- “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” Alberto Iglesias
- “War Horse” John Williams
- And the award goes to “The Artist,” arguably the film that depended on its score the most.
9:17 p.m. Will Ferrell and Zack Galifianakis announce…
Music (Original Song)
- “Man or Muppet”from “The Muppets”Music and Lyric by Bret McKenzie
- “Real in Rio”from “Rio”Music by Sergio Mendes and Carlinhos Brown; Lyric by Siedah Garrett
And the winner is Bret McKenzie! The bad news, of course, is that we didn’t get to hear the song performed. The good news is that there was no way that awful Rihanna knockoff from “Rio” was going to win.
9:25 p.m. Angelina Jolie announces…
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
- “The Descendants” Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash
- “Hugo” Screenplay by John Logan
- “The Ides of March” Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
- “Moneyball” Screenplay by Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin; Story by Stan Chervin
- “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” Screenplay by Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan
And the winner is…
Rash! (and friends).
And now, Jolie announces…
Writing (Original Screenplay)
- “The Artist” Written by Michel Hazanavicius
- “Bridesmaids” Written by Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig
- “Margin Call” Written by J.C. Chandor
- “Midnight in Paris” Written by Woody Allen
- “A Separation” Written by Asghar Farhadi
And the Oscar goes to…
Woody Allen for his “Look, it’s Salvador Dali!” “Look, it’s Gertrude Stein!” movie.
9:36 p.m. Milla Jovovich briefly talks about tech, carrying on the long-standing tradition of having geek goddesses announce these awards.
9:39 p.m. The cast of “Bridesmaids” announce…
Short Film (Live Action)
- “Pentecost” Peter McDonald and Eimear O’Kane
- “Raju” Max Zähle and Stefan Gieren
- “The Shore” Terry George and Oorlagh George
- “Time Freak” Andrew Bowler and Gigi Causey
- “Tuba Atlantic” Hallvar Witzø
And the winner is “The Shore.”
Then, Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy take a “Scorsese” shot from airline bottles and announce:
Documentary (Short Subject)
- “The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement”
Robin Fryday and Gail Dolgin - “God Is the Bigger Elvis”
Rebecca Cammisa and Julie Anderson - “Incident in New Baghdad”
James Spione - “Saving Face”
Daniel Junge and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy - “The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom” Lucy Walker and Kira Carstensen
And the winner is “Saving Face.”
Then we bask in the irrepressible cuteness of Ellie Kemper as she and Wendy McClendon-Covey announce…
Short Film (Animated)
- “Dimanche/Sunday” Patrick Doyon
- “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore” William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg
- “La Luna” Enrico Casarosa
- “A Morning Stroll” Grant Orchard and Sue Goffe
- “Wild Life” Amanda Forbis and Wendy Tilby
And the winner is the flying book movie, in which Mssrs. Joyce and Oldenburg suddenly get a call from John Lasseter.
9:55 p.m. Michael Douglas, looking pretty damn fit given the past two years, announces a big one:
Directing
- “The Artist” Michel Hazanavicius
- “The Descendants” Alexander Payne
- “Hugo” Martin Scorsese
- “Midnight in Paris” Woody Allen
- “The Tree of Life” Terrence Malick
Honestly, after all the Scorsese love, I’m actually a little surprise that it’s going to…
Hazanavicius. You may begin paying off or collecting on your bets now.
10:02 p.m. Meryl Streep announces the Board of Governors awards for James Earl Jones, Dick Smith and Oprah Winfrey, and we get a special preview of…
Bring Out Yer Dead! And yet, we get the magnificent Esperanza Spaulding singing “What a Wonderful World” and a tasteful, stylized slide show. Really one of the best they’ve done in a while.
10:15 p.m. Patton Oswalt on filmmaking: “They basically are saying, ‘I’ve strapped myself to a rocket, it’s either going to blow up, or I’m going to go up and do 900 loop-de-loops and your eyes are going to burn out with splendor and awe.” What a god.
10:18 p.m. Natalie Portman announces…
Actor in a Leading Role
- Demián Bichir in “A Better Life”
- George Clooney in “The Descendants”
- Jean Dujardin in “The Artist”
- Gary Oldman in “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”
- Brad Pitt in “Moneyball”
I’m never going to be sold on these “rose ceremony”-style announcements, but it just means that Natalie Portman is on stage longer. And the Oscar goes to…
George Clooney in “The Descend –” wha? Holy crap. It’s a lock.
10:26 p.m. Colin Firth announces another big one…
Actress in a Leading Role
- Glenn Close in “Albert Nobbs”
- Viola Davis in “The Help”
- Rooney Mara in “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
- Meryl Streep in “The Iron Lady”
- Michelle Williams in “My Week with Marilyn”
It better not be Nobbs! And the Oscar goes to…
Viola Davis in “The Hel…” Uh, what? Really?
Streep. “Her. Again. But, whatever.”
10:36 p.m. Tom Cruise is closing things out tonight:
Best Picture
- “The Artist” Thomas Langmann, Producer
- “The Descendants” Jim Burke, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, Producers
- “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close” Scott Rudin, Producer
- “The Help” Brunson Green, Chris Columbus and Michael Barnathan, Producers
- “Hugo” Graham King and Martin Scorsese, Producers
- “Midnight in Paris” Letty Aronson and Stephen Tenenbaum, Producers
- “Moneyball” Michael De Luca, Rachael Horovitz and Brad Pitt, Producers
- “The Tree of Life” Sarah Green, Bill Pohlad, Dede Gardner and Grant Hill, Producers
- “War Horse” Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, Producers
Here we go. The Academy Award for Best Picture should go to “Drive” but is going to…
“The Artist.” Yes, a sterling example of 21st century filmmaking at its finest!
Good night.
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I think you may have waaaaay too much Billy Crystal in your paprikosh before this thing comes to an end.
On the positive side, the kids will be able to experience an Oscars from in the early 1990s.