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7 p.m. “Well, that’s because he’s dead, and nobody wants to be dead.” — George Clooney after Regis Philbin trots out the well-worn notion that Clooney’s the new Cary Grant and everybody wants to be him now.

7:04 p.m.  “Edith Piaf died before you were even born. Did you know anything about her beforehand?” Shawn Robertson asks Marion Cotillard about perhaps the most famous French performer in the history of French performers. It’s like asking Tom Hanks if he feels comfortable playing a World War II soldier when he was clearly born after the war. Oh, and the WWII soldier he played was an Edith Piaf fan, if I recall. My soul train of thought is chugging out of the station.

7:08 p.m. “I am so glad that you don’t have that haircut.” — Robertson tells Javier Bardem. Jeez, it makes you pine for the eloquence and trenchant analysis of Billy Bush.

7:13 p.m. “I’m playing the madame in a whorehouse in Nevada, and I think a little bit of my character is rubbing off on me,” said Helen Mirren, referring to the red dress she’s wearing as a presenter. Regis quickly steps away, concerned that it might soon rub off on him.

7:18 p.m. Unknown teenagers screaming for Miley Cyrus. Not enough stars to interview, Reege?

7:22 p.m. Ellen Page says she “won’t lie” — she’s been celebrating her 21st birthday with some drinkeepoos. And it isn’t even the Golden Globes!

7:24 p.m. Doesn’t that Oscar torso with the countdown clock look like a golden middle finger?

7:27 p.m. Reege just called the Best Supporting Actor frontrunner Xavier Bardem. Like he’s a Cuban bandleader or something.

7:30 p.m. Montage-o-rama featuring a frenetic delivery of statuettes amid crazy, madcap figures of SFX yesteryear. Thank goodness the writers are back.

7:33 p.m. “The fight is over, so tonight, welcome to the makeup sex!” — Jon Stewart.

7:35 p.m. “‘Atonement’ — finally a story that captured the passion and raw sexuality of Yom Kippur.” — JS is rolling.

7:37 p.m. “Diablo Cody used to be an exotic dancer, and now she’s a screenwriter. I hope you’re enjoying your paycut.” — JS.

7:42 p.m. Jennifer Garner announces Best Costume Designer.

COSTUME DESIGN
[   ] Across the Universe
[   ] Atonement
[   ] Elizabeth: The Golden Age
[   ] La Vie en Rose
[   ] Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

And the winner is Alexandra Byrne for the ridiculous “Elizabeth.”

7:47 p.m. George Clooney begins the first of many clipjobs. Jack Palance doing pushups. David Niven and the streaker, Adrien Brody’s kiss-a-rama, and Rob Lowe dancing with Snow White — all the best.

7:52 p.m. Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway announce animated features.

ANIMATED FEATURE
[   ] Persepolis
[   ] Ratatouille
[   ] Surf’s Up

And the winner is…

Brad Bird for the ”Rat in Mi Kitchen” movie.

7:57 p.m. Katherine Heigl announces …

MAKEUP
[   ] La Vie en Rose
[   ] Norbit
[   ] Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

And the winner is not Norbit. It is La Vie En Rose. And this is a picture of…

Katherine Heigl, because I cannot find pictures of the makeup designers for the Edith Piaf movie.

8:02 p.m. Amy Adams does a perky rendition of  ”Happy Working Song,” one of three “Enchanted” songs that could possibly cancel one another out tonight. She’s great, though, and she should have already racked up her first Oscar for acting by now.

8:07 p.m. Visual effect Dwayne Johnson announces …

VISUAL EFFECTS
[   ] The Golden Compass
[   ] Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
[   ] Transformers

And the winner is…

The Golden Compass. Yes, it was one of the biggest bombs of 2007,  but those polar bears could fight and talk better than most drunk Hollywood starlets.

8:10 p.m. Cate Blanchett announces…

ART DIRECTION
[   ] American Gangster
[   ] Atonement
[   ] The Golden Compass
[   ] Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
[   ] There Will Be Blood

And the winner is…
 

Sweeney Todd. True dat — no Oscar-nominated film this year owed so much to art direction.

8:15 p.m. Jennifer Hudson announces …

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
[   ] Casey Affleck, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
[   ] Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
[   ] Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson’s War
[   ] Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild
[   ] Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

And the winner is…

Bardem, who thanked the Coens for being “crazy enough to think that I could do that, and put one of the most horrible haircuts in history on my head.”

8:22 p.m. Stewart offers a look at Oscar’s Salute to Binoculars and Periscopes before Keri Russell arrives to introduce “Raise It Up” from “August Rush,” a movie I liked despite having every molecule in my body telling me to reject it.

8:28 p.m. Owen Wilson arrives to announce

SHORT FILM - LIVE ACTION
[   ] At Night
[   ] Il Supplente (The Substitute)
[   ] Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets)
[   ] Tanghi Argentini
[   ] The Tonto Woman

And the Oscar Goes to…

“The Mozart of Pickpockets.”

8:31 p.m. Jerry Seinfeld of the unnominated “Bee Movie” announces…

SHORT FILM - ANIMATED
[   ] I Met the Walrus
[   ] Madame Tutli-Putli
[   ] My Love (Moya Lyubov)
[   ] Peter & the Wolf

And the winner is…

Peter & the Wolf.

8:35 p.m. Alan Arkin announces…

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
[   ] Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There
[   ] Ruby Dee, American Gangster
[   ] Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
[   ] Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
[   ] Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

And the winner is…

Tilda Swinton, who made reference to George Clooney’s nipples in “Batman and Robin,” and in one fell swoop, Swinton delivers the best laugh line and scoops up one of the most richly deserved awards of the evening. If you’ve yet to see “Michael Clayton,” do yourself many favors.

8:44 p.m. Jessica Alba announces the scientific and technical awards, mainly because most of the winners have posters of her over their beds. In their mother’s houses. Because they’re geeks, get it?

8:45 p.m. “Jessica Alba is pregnant and I saw earlier that Cate Blanchett is pregnant. That’s very exciting — two pregnant women here tonight at the Oscars. Then again, obviously the night is still young. And Jack is here. So perhaps, sir, we’ll retally at the end of the evening.” — JS.

8:46 p.m. Josh Brolin and James McAvoy announce…

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
[   ] Atonement
[   ] Away from Her
[   ] The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
[   ] No Country for Old Men
[   ] There Will Be Blood

And the winner is…

Coens. Because the ground might swallow up the Kodak Theater if they didn’t.

8:50 p.m. Sid Ganis does the obligatory Price Waterhouse Cooper spiel. Man’s a comic genius. He’s a real Bob Hope.

8:52 p.m. Miley Cyrus introduces Oklahoma’s own Kristin Chenoweth singing “That’s How You Know” from “Enchanted.” Way too sambariffic. Sambariffic to the point of soporiffic.

9:01 p.m. Stewart introduces Dame Judi Dench and Halle Berry, who look extraordinarily like the funniest large white men with afros in comedy. Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen announce…

SOUND EDITING
[   ] The Bourne Ultimatum
[   ] No Country for Old Men
[   ] Ratatouille
[   ] There Will Be Blood
[   ] Transformers

And the winner is…

The Bourne Ultimatum. And the winners are so flustered they get played off after saying “uh,” “blurrrgh” and “unnnnh.” Then Halle Berry and Dame Judi Dench announce…

SOUND MIXING
[   ] The Bourne Ultimatum
[   ] No Country for Old Men
[   ] Ratatouille
[   ] 3:10 to Yuma
[   ] Transformers

Which is different from editing. Trust me. And the winner is…

The Bourne Ultimatum. I do remember that film sounding amazing. The Foley completely rocked.

9:10 p.m. Forest Whitaker announces…

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
[   ] Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
[   ] Julie Christie, Away from Her
[   ] Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
[   ] Laura Linney, The Savages
[   ] Ellen Page, Juno

And the winner is…

Marion Cotillard. Total upset! I completely banked on Julie Christie, but this category was packed with deserving performances and she was great.

9:19 p.m. Colin Farrell announces Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova performing “Falling Slowly” from “Once.” Because of the sheer tonnage of “Enchanted,” it might sneak through with a win.

9:23 p.m. Jack Nicholson introduces the Best Picture clipjob. And you just thought you were getting out of here before 3 a.m.

9:26 p.m. Renee Zellweger announces…

FILM EDITING
[   ] The Bourne Ultimatum
[   ] The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
[   ] Into the Wild
[   ] No Country for Old Men
[   ] There Will Be Blood

And the winner is for The Bourne Ultimatum. I’m deeply disappointed that it wasn’t Roderick Jaynes. The man is a legend.

9:30 p.m. Nicole Kidman presents an honorary Oscar to …

98-year-old production designer Robert Boyle. This guy worked on more than half the films in Chase’s DVD collection. And at this point in the evening, he’s sharper than all of us.

9:40 p.m. Penelope Cruz announces…

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
[   ] 12 (Russia)
[   ] Beaufort (Israel)
[   ] Counterfeiters (Austria)
[   ] Katyn (Poland)
[   ] Mongol (Kazakhstan)

And the winner is…

The Counterfeiters.

9:45 p.m. Patrick Dempsey introduces another “Enchanted” song, sung by Dan “Sometimes When We Touch” Hill. Er, Jon McLaughlin. Ick. That song would make England Dan and John Ford Coley sound like “Metal Machine Music.”

9:49 p.m. John Travolta announces…

ORIGINAL SONG
[   ] “Falling Slowly” - Once
[   ] “Happy Working Song” - Enchanted
[   ] “Raise It Up” - August Rush
[   ] “So Close” - Enchanted
[   ] “That’s How You Know” - Enchanted

And the winner is…

Glen and Marketa. Score one for taste and subtlety. “Make art,” indeed.

9:56 p.m. Stewart brings Marketa out to let her talk. Wow — they stopped the awards show to let someone talk. Nice move for nice people.

9:57 p.m. Anna Faris Cameron Diaz announces…

CINEMATOGRAPHY
[   ] The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
[   ] Atonement
[   ] The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
[   ] No Country for Old Men
[   ] There Will Be Blood

And the winner is…

Milkshakes all around!

10:01 p.m. Bring out yer dead! Where have you gone, Jack Valenti? Dabbs Greer, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Biggest applause seems to go for Suzanne Pleshette, mainly because we still love the “Newhart” finale.

10:08 p.m. Amy Adams announces…

ORIGINAL SCORE
[   ] Atonement
[   ] The Kite Runner
[   ] Michael Clayton
[   ] Ratatouille
[   ] 3:10 to Yuma

And the winner is…

Atonement.

10:11 p.m. Tom Hanks sends us live to Baghdad for…

DOCUMENTARY SHORT
[   ] Freeheld
[   ] La Corona (The Crown)
[   ] Salim Baba
[   ] Sari’s Mother

And the winner is…

Freeheld. Coming to Cinemax soon. Quality on Cinemax, and it doesn’t star Shannon Tweed.

10:15 a.m. Hanks announces…

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
[   ] No End in Sight
[   ] Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience
[   ] Sicko
[   ] Taxi to the Dark Side
[   ] War/Dance

And the winner goes to…

Taxi to the Dark Side. I swore it would be No End in Sight, but Alex Gibney had his hands in both.

10:21 p.m. “Auto dealership” Harrison Ford grumbles onto the stage to announce…

Best Screenplay. And it goes to…

Diablo Cody for Juno. We might not have been surprised, but she was. It’s nice to see such genuine emotion from someone who clearly deserved it.

10:29 p.m. Helen Mirren spouts a list of descriptors with mucho gravitas before announcing as a formality …

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
[   ] George Clooney, Michael Clayton
[   ] Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
[   ] Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
[   ] Tommy Lee Jones, In the Valley of Elah
[   ] Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises

And the winner is…

He drank everyone’s milkshake!

10:38 p.m. Clipjob of everyone who has ever directed a film. My God, I think my blood is turning to gel. They have no business padding at 3:38 and counting.

10:40 p.m. Marty Scorsese (because I’m feeling familiar) announces…

DIRECTOR
[   ] Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood
[   ] Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men
[   ] Tony Gilroy, Michael Clayton
[   ] Jason Reitman, Juno
[   ] Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

I’m thinking pajama boy’s out of luck. The winners are…

Coens, directors of “Henry Kissinger, Man on the Go.”

10:43 p.m. Denzel Washington announces…

BEST PICTURE
[   ] Atonement
[   ] Juno
[   ] Michael Clayton
[   ] No Country for Old Men
[   ] There Will Be Blood

Call it friend-o.

No Country for Old Men. Yes, it’s been a great year, and tonight has felt like one. Good night, drive safely and remember: only you can prevent self-conscious backlashes.