Judy Savage talks about her new book “Rossi the Approval Poodle” with Lillie-Beth Brinkman, editor, and Melissa Clark, photographer, on Parties Extra!  Suzanne Green, graphic designer, was not able to be there.

Parties Extra!…20-40-60 Question….from an avid Oklahoman and a  NewsOk reader.

YOU ASK…WE ANSWER…YOU DECIDE

QUESTION: My husband and I recently celebrated the birth of our first child. For our families, this is the first grandchild. Everyone is showering affection on our child, and we appreciate all the support, gifts and love.

The problem: too much family time. Our relatives – both in-town and out-of-town – are coming to our house without asking if we have plans.

Some stay the night. Others just stop by for the evening. I’m feeling smothered but I have no idea how to tell them this without hurting their feelings. I want to be nice but firm.

I’m really looking forward to your answer because we’re 20-somethings dealing with 40- and 60-somethings.

Callie’s Answer: Be straight with them! Tell them that you’re exhausted (which I’m sure you both are) and that you appreciate all the good intentions of everyone wanting to come see the child, but, it is too crazy right now!

Tell your mom you would like to have a “sip and see” at your chosen date so everyone can come see your new “bundle of joy!” That way there is a certain date for everyone to come and not just stop by at their convenience!

Lillie-Beth’s Answer: How much fun (and exhausting) to have a new baby! It’s even better that you have so many wanting to celebrate with you and that you acknowledge their joy in addition to your own. However, it’s OK for you to set boundaries with your family members and friends.

I remember that stress of trying to balance the needs of my littlest ones and my immediate family while trying to let others share our happiness.

At one point, when some well-wishers dropped by unexpectedly, I think we accepted a gift at the door with a big smile and a “thank you” and shut it without inviting the people in.

Rude? Maybe. But at some point, you have to let people know they need to coordinate with you before coming to see the baby. You’re a new mom and you and your husband need your rest as much as the baby does.

Tell people it’s not a good time and then suggest a better one. Try to ward off potential out-of-town guests in advance. If you set the boundaries once, then keeping them will get easier. Explain why sincerely, apologetically and with a smile while letting them know you’d love to see them another time.

Your overly joyous loved ones will still love you — and your baby — the next time.

Helen’s Answer: Most people know that new parents are trying really hard to get acquainted with their new baby and need time to themselves. It is ok if a family member calls ahead and asks how they can help the new parents, but just to show up is inexcusable. It is time to set some limits for everyone in the family.

Gently tell all the relatives that the baby and parents need their rest, particularly since both parents work. Tell them that you and your husband are in agreement (be sure you are) that when someone wants to visit, they should call and ask if it is convenient. If it is not convenient, then tell them to come another day.

For the out-of-towners, they should be checking to see if they are welcome. You certainly should not have to put them up if the baby is sick or you have other plans or just want some alone time with the baby.

All people need guidelines and it is very important that you, very graciously, suggest them.

My husband’s Answer: Put them to work. Tell them that they were so sweet to come and help and that the oven and refrigerator needs cleaning and the kitchen needs scrubbing and since you are still tired from being up with the baby at night, you have been too tired to clean.

They can do all sorts of chores, but don’t hurt their feelings by telling them to go. They won’t be so free with their time on the next visit if you have a plan for them.

Parties Extra!....20-40-60 Etiquette Question and Answers...From a NewsOk reader.

YOU ASK…WE ANSWER….YOU DECIDE

Question: Do you always address an older person or higher-up professional with Mr. Mrs. or Miss and their last name until they specify otherwise? Or do you use first names immediately when introduced?

When do you use only a person’s first name?  When do you use Ms.?

Callie’s Answer: I am usually good at using Mr. or Mrs. but I do slip. Most of the time the older or higher- up professional will correct me and tell me to call them by their first name.

With my friends’ parents, I still use Mr. or Mrs., unless they tell me otherwise. I use Ms. when I do not know if they are married or not. It is usually the general introduction when neither is known.

Lillie-Beth’s Answer: For me, it depends on the situation and whom I’m meeting. If it’s a casual setting, usually I call the person by their first name; if it’s someone older than I am (or traditional), I usually start out with “Mrs.” or “Mr.” (or Ms. when the person is divorced, like I am). It seems like these days, everyone is so casual with each other and on a first-name basis right away. It’s easier for me to answer this question as it pertains to my children. In introducing my children to adults, I always start out with the formal Mrs. or Mr. (Last Name) to show respect. Sometimes the adults tell my children to call them by their first names, and after that, it’s OK. I also follow my mother’s tradition for my kids and have them address my close friends with a “Miss” in front of their first names, like “Miss April” or “Miss Elaine.” I like the distinction between children and adults, although I’m also often in the minority.

One of my favorite moments as a young bride was when a special group of my mother’s friends, whom I had addressed as “Mrs. So-and-So” my whole life, told me to call them by their first names.  Since they were close to my mom, I felt close to them, too, and it was nice to finally be “initiated” into their friendship on a first-name basis. So here’s to Nancy, Kay, Kirk, Lynn, Barbara and Marilyn, as well as Miss Lela, Miss Ann, Miss Jeary, Miss Gerre, and more.

Another note: Miss Manners, author and etiquette columnist for the Washington Post who is also known as Judith Martin, prefers that people don’t start out on a first-name basis. “There is no such thing as instant intimacy,” she writes in her book, MIss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” updated in 2005.

Helen’s Answer: Today, when people suggest or request that I use their first names, I do. I am sensitive to using first names of people who I have just met and feel like I should use caution and be more a little more formal on that first encounter. But, at my age, I generally use people’s first names immediately. Maybe a great-grandmother/father gets a Mr. or Mrs. out of me.

My children were taught to use the Mr. and Mrs. titles, unless that person told them to use their first name. We threw in the southern idea of using the  title of  ” Miss”  and the first name with close friends. .  In the professional world, “Ms.” is hard for me to say because my generation of people used the “Miss” title for unmarried women.  When I introduce people, I might say, “Mr. Thompson, this is Mr. Jones,” using rank to determine who is introduced first. In a social situation, gender determines who I introduce to whom:” Miss Thompson, this is Mr. Jones,” or “Linda, this is Tom.”

I use this rule for introductions:  “Mrs./Mr.”  older person, this is “Mrs./Mr.”  younger person.

(Callie Gordon, a college sophomore,  is a debutante this year and has been in many new social situations recently. Lillie-Beth Brinkman is a former  debutante and currently the assistant features editor for The Oklahoman. Helen Wallace has written a social column for The Oklahoman for many years and has been on various local Ball committees.

This group does not always agree (via age differences), but they ALL see the need for proper behavior.)

Ask a specific etiquette question and you will get three answers…Then you decide for yourself how you would handle the situation. The answers have information for every age range….Callie is 20-something; Lillie-Beth is 40-something, and Helen is 60-something.

Please email us with your questions and be sure to follow us on Facebook, Twitter and daily blogs. We will try to answer your etiquette questions  weekly on the Parties Extra! blog. Sometimes we will ask other people for their opinions.     Look for us!

helen.wallace@cox.net…lbrinkman@opubco.com… calliezok3@aol.com

Paige Dillard, Linda Miller, Lillie-Beth Brinkman, Jacquelyn Faris discuss their favorites for the holidays and the year on Parties Extra!

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