By Callie Gordon, Lillie-Beth Brinkman, Helen Ford Wallace

YOU ASK! WE ANSWER! YOU DECIDE!

QUESTION: Is there a proper way to juggle your food and drink at the buffet table at a party? Recently, I had my plate full of finger foods and I had my drink in my hand, too. I set my glass down on the buffet table every time I added food. I guess I should have gotten my drink later, but at that time, I just had my hands full. Any ideas?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: Leave your drink at the table if that is possible. If it is not possible, place your glass somewhere and then go through the line. That way you don’t have to juggle your drink and food. Go back and get it when you are finished with the line.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: I have heard this dilemma explained recently to fifth- and sixth-graders taking cotillion classes. They are taught to hold their plates, drinks and napkins in their left hands so their right hands are free to shake hands or get food on their plates. It takes a bit of practice to juggle these items properly, and it is especially awkward for tweens who are trying to learn the basics, such as making eye contact during an introduction.

However, it’s possible: You can place the plate between two of your fingers and then anchor the drink on the edge of the plate between your thumb and forefinger to make it work.

Otherwise, leave your drink on the table when you get your food or set it down and get a new drink after you’ve gone through the buffet line.
HELEN’S ANSWER: The balancing act of holding both a drink and a plate gets a little tricky sometimes. I have seen people drop both the plate and the glass while trying to maneuver through the food line. And I have tried the method of setting the drink on the buffet table as I added food, but it definitely was awkward and I held up the line behind me while I found a place to put my glass every time I added food.
I think that it is better to fill your plate and then get a drink. If you are already holding a drink, set it at your table while you go through the buffet line. If you don’t have a place for it, put it down, and get a fresh glass later.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Ree Drummond, author of The Pioneer Woman blog, cookbooks and others and host of Food Network show: I’ll be honest, if there’s an etiquette rule regarding juggling cocktail party food and drinks, I never did learn it.
Sometimes I rest my drink on the plate, then build food around it. Sometimes I do what you did and set the drink on the table as I go.
But my favorite trick is sitting down at one of the tables and asking my husband to go load up a plate of food for me! I think this is one of those situations that’s open to many different approaches. The most important thing is to have fun…and enjoy those nibbles!

By Callie Gordon, Lillie-Beth Brinkman, Helen Ford Wallace

QUESTION: When I am having lunch with a friend, I cannot decide who should go first into the eating area.  Who should have the best view? The best seat? I always defer to the other person instead of barreling on ahead, but is there a correct way to decide who goes first?

CALLIE’S ANSWER: I have never even thought about this. If this person is your friend they  will tell you if they care where they sit. This is more about the company you’re with. Who cares where you sit?

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: The great part about having this etiquette dilemma is that you only have a moment or two of awkwardness and then you get to enjoy lunch with a friend. Either way, your friend probably won’t be offended and you won’t either.

Offer to let your friend go ahead of you, and then she will pick the seat. If you’re a woman eating with a man, the “ladies first” custom still applies, although let him suggest that order if it’s he’s going to. Or just let the traffic flow naturally.  Usually it’s clear who should go first by where either of you are positioned. And if on a particular occasion, you need a certain seat in the restaurant for a specific reason, speak up and say why nicely.

HELEN’S ANSWER: It is always courteous to let your friend go first, but sometimes that is awkward and if you are in front, then you should go on. Mostly, the person who does go first chooses where to sit. Use your best judgment and enjoy your lunch!

GUEST’S ANSWER: Linda Miller, author of NewsOK’s Fashion Matters blog: I really don’t think it’s important who gets the best view or best seat. When dining with a friend, I’m there for good conversation and good food. The view is secondary, though usually tables are situated so more than one person can look out at the lake, golf course or garden.

As far as who enters the dining area first, I think it should be whoever is closest to the hostess. That seems the easiest manner to me.

To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.

CALLIE’S ANSWER: My mom does this with food! But I haven’t seen her offer old gift cards.

That is awkward. Don’t take offense to it, though. I am sure she is trying to be nice. Tell her you would be happy to donate the gifts for her. Hopefully she will realize she doesn’t need to pawn them off to you.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: Your friend apparently cares deeply for you and wants to show it.

You have handled it in a nice way by trying to refuse them and also by offering thanks. You could protest the gift card by telling her you’d love for her to spend that money on herself since she’s always doing nice things for others. Another idea would be to reassure her that you’re visiting her because you consider her a dear friend and not because of any gifts.

But you also don’t want to hurt her feelings if she enjoys making the effort with gifts. Smile, say “thank you” and enjoy your friendship.

HELEN’S ANSWER: You have been doing fine in the way you are handling the gift-giving. Your friend seems to need to offer you a gift as a thank-you for visiting her home. If you want it, fine, and if you do not, say no thanks.

She apparently does not need the gift cards, so you might suggest that she offer them to her favorite charity so they could go to someone who does need them.

GUEST’S ANSWER: Devonne Carter, licensed clinical social worker and etiquette class teacher at Oklahoma Christian University: Some people’s “love language” (the way they show they care) is by giving, and more specifically, by giving gifts. In some cultures, gift-giving is a way of life. It might feel strange to you to receive gifts that you don’t need or want, but the point here is, your friend wants to give them to you.

She is showing you that she cares for you. Take the gifts and be thankful for them. Even if you don’t like the gift, appreciate that she is thinking of you. It is always fine to give the gift to someone else who might appreciate it, or to give it a charity if it isn’t something that you want to keep.

If you get the impression that your friend thinks you are hurting financially, it is always appropriate to bring up the subject and communicate with her that you are financially secure. We sometimes do not know what our friends are thinking, and we won’t find out unless we ask.

By Callie Gordon, Lillie-Beth Brinkman, Helen Ford Wallace

QUESTION: I do the grocery shopping for my family. My concern is how best to deal with the people who clog the aisles. Most grocery stores have aisles wide enough for two shopping carts to pass as long as each person pulls his or her cart over to the side.

It is very common for people to stop to look at an item and leave the cart in the middle of the aisle, blocking anyone else from passing down that aisle. My nice guess is that they are simply not paying attention to anything other than what they’re looking for. My guess is that they are unaware that other people ALSO shop in the grocery store, and that they are so overwhelmingly important that any of the rest of us who happen to be in the store should be glad to step aside.

Well, I have managed to not say anything mean to them … yet.

What is the proper way for me to proceed?

1. Simply go around, using the next aisle, and then work my way back to the spot I wanted.

2. Say “pardon me, I would like to get to the coffee over there.”

3. Say “hard as it is to imagine, there are other people in the grocery store who want to use this aisle.”

4. Stand there and stare (glare) at them until they emerge from their reveries and get moving again.

5. Ask them to move their cart to the side.

6. Or something else.

So far, I just try to ignore it and go to another aisle and come back later and hope I don’t run into them again.

CALLIE’S ANSWER: While I see how this can be frustrating, give people the benefit of the doubt. It can be as simple as a smile and “excuse me.” We all have come in contact with tacky people. In this case, simply move out of their way.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: Wow! You’ve put a lot of thought and energy into this. I think the easiest thing to do is to excuse yourself and ask them nicely to move. That should snap anyone out of their reverie. It takes less energy on my part to assume that people are concentrating as hard on getting the right ingredients at the best price instead of deliberately and thoughtlessly pushing others aside.

HELEN’S ANSWER: Navigating the grocery takes a lot of patience. Fortunately, some grocery stores have wide aisles and you can get around these people, but, probably your best response is #2. It moves them out of the way of the item you are trying to get.

The people who leave the cart in the middle of the aisle in our grocery stores are everywhere. They irritate me, too. However, I have done it before when I was not thinking. You might suggest to the grocery store personnel that they put up a sign saying, “Slow carts on the right; do not park in the middle of the aisles; and be aware of other people in the store who are also trying to shop.”

GUEST’S ANSWER: Christina Nihira, local community volunteer and newspaper writer: The weekly grocery trip is often an onus. Unfortunately, we all need to eat.

Crowded store aisles tend to inflame an already adverse situation. There are some rules of the road. Cart etiquette is akin to driving a car. Caution and care are necessities to avoid those head-on collisions. When pushing down the aisles, stay to the middle and center. When you want an item, pull to the right and park the cart.

More importantly, however, is common courtesy. Although you may think manners come naturally, not everyone takes the time to practice them, especially when they are harried. Set yourself apart and use “please,” “thank you” and “pardon me.” Nice manners and a smile speak volumes about you.

Another option is altering the time you visit the store. Perhaps going during early morning or off-peak hours will help reduce congestion.

For some enjoyment and practical information, check out Carol Redinger’s “A Book of Grocery Store Etiquette: A Guide for the Consumer Based on Over 30 years of Observations and Aggravations.” The author has worked in the grocery industry in various positions and writes a fun, informative guide about how to best navigate through your shopping experience.

Happy shopping!

QUESTION: There is confusion about “soup spoon etiquette.” It seems most people think the spoon always rests in the plate, especially after finishing. But others think if soup is served in a soup plate (rimmed wide, shallow bowl) that the spoon goes in it, not in the flat plate below the soup plate. What is a person to do?

CALLIE’S ANSWER: From what I was taught, you should never put it in the bowl. When you are finished, put the spoon on the plate under the bowl. Look around and see what others at the table are doing.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: I was always taught to take the spoon out of the bowl and leave it on the saucer or plate underneath it, that it was wrong to keep a spoon, standing upright, in any bowl. Upon thinking about this question more, I have realized I do that most of the time; however, if the bowl is shallow and wide-rimmed, I am in the habit of leaving the spoon in the bowl, to the side, almost like I would if it were a plate.

The etiquette gurus tending to Emily Post’s famous guide these days agree, as do others. If the bowl is shallow, leave the spoon in the bowl, says emilypost.com. If the bowl is deep or the soup is in a cup, take the spoon out and place it on the saucer.

If you are still wondering, and the soup bowl comes served on top of another plate, then I think you will be fine if you take the spoon out and put it on the plate underneath when you are through with it.

HELEN’S ANSWER: Usually a bowl of soup is served on plate or saucer. When that is provided, always put your spoon on that plate. Never leave it in the bowl or the cup. That applies to when you are finished and if you stop periodically eating the soup. If there is not a plate, then, obviously your spoon goes in the soup bowl.

GUEST’S ANSWER: Kate Stanton, etiquette consultant and executive director, University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center Student Affairs: In talking with one of my favorite ladies of treasured opinion, we both believe when soup is served in a small soup bowl, you rest the spoon on the plate beneath it between bites or when finished.

When you use a soup plate, though, you put the spoon on (or in) in the soup plate. A soup plate is normally large enough that you really don’t have much room to put it on the plate beneath. In checking a few etiquette books, the thoughts on this matter are all over the board. Happy winter and happy soup!

By Callie Gordon, Lillie-Beth Brinkman, Helen Ford Wallace

QUESTION: Is there a proper way to hold your wine glass? How about your coffee cup? I have seen people hold both of these drinking vessels in various ways, but I thought a wine glass should be held by the stem and a coffee cup by the handle?

CALLIE’S ANSWER: Champagne and white wine are usually served chilled; holding it by the stem will make sure that your body heat does not change the temperature. A red wine is just the same: Hold it by the stem. This can give you a chance to see the color and clarity. Coffee, yes, hold it by the handle. But really, it is coffee. Who cares? Drink up!

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: I’ve seen people hold glasses in so many different ways that I had to look up the information in order to answer the question. After doing so, I now need to pour myself a glass of wine. Websites including fine wine sites as well as The Wall Street Journal and Real Simple Magazine note that wine glasses should be held by the stem, whether the wine is red or white, to keep your hand from warming it up, for white, or to keep the glass from getting cloudy with fingerprints. If there’s no stem, which to many wine drinkers is a faux pas, then drinkers should hold the glass in the middle, so hands don’t cover the liquid.

To me, holding a wine glass incorrectly doesn’t rank high on a list of etiquette breaches. I’d rather enjoy wine and company with friends however any of us hold our glasses and save our indignation for behavior that’s actually rude, selfish or hurtful to others.

As for coffee, I love the idea of drinking it but don’t like the taste, so I’ll leave mug handle-holding etiquette to other experts on this page. Cheers!

HELEN’S ANSWER: Wine glasses should be held by the stem and coffee cups are held with the index finger and thumb on the handle. Never is the index finger supposed to curl through the handle. Marilyn Torbett from Oklahoma City reminded me that we had etiquette classes at the sorority house and that we learned to hold a cup by holding with the thumb and index finger. She said, “Do NOT stick your finger through the handle. Among other Tri Delta manner tips during that time period (1960s and 1970s) were: ‘Do not be seen on campus with hair rolled up and do not walk with a cigarette in your hand.’”

GUEST’S ANSWER: Kathy Walker, local volunteer and community leader: This question has required some research. I have always known that one should always hold a white wine or champagne glass by the stem as to not warm the cool white or sparkling wine. However, apparently it is also only correct to hold a red wine as well by the stem so not to obscure the color and texture from one’s sight. In addition, thumbprints on the glass cause the wine to look cloudy and obscure a clear view of the wine.

The glass should be held much like a pencil at the base of the stem while one looks at the color of the wine. Swirling the wine for smelling the fragrance comes next and it is done with the same simulated grip of the pencil. After the swirling, taste the wine leaving it on the palate for a few seconds, swallow the wine, and then wait to analyze the wine. If one is holding a wine glass constructed without a stem, it should only be held with the thumb and index finger.

Coffee cups are a different matter. The saucer and cup are placed to the right of the place setting. The handle is held like a pencil with the index finger at the handle and the thumb resting on top with the third finger securing below the two when the cup is brought to the mouth and then returned to the saucer. If seated in a chair away from the table, the saucer remains in the lap resting on the four fingers of one hand and secured by the thumb while the cup is raised to the mouth with the other hand as mentioned above. If you are not drinking from the cup, lower it to the saucer.

However, what could be better than a warm coffee mug held with both hands on a cold winter morning?

By Callie Gordon, Lillie-Beth Brinkman, Helen Ford Wallace

QUESTION: We cheer loudly and proudly for a certain state team and have taught our toddler to love the team as much as we do — the team colors, the coach, etc.

Family members who root for our rivals thought it would be funny to teach him the words to say to root for the other team. Because of his young age, he mimics what people tell him, and he now says the words to cheer for our rivals just as often.

I think it’s rude and disrespectful and wouldn’t do that to anyone else’s children. Do you have any ideas about how to handle this with the family members who did this as well as with my son?

CALLIE’S ANSWER: That is hilarious! Your child doesn’t know that this is wrong, and your family members are giving you a hard time. Loosen up, and laugh at the situation. With time I am sure your child will stop.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: When you are passionate about a topic, it’s hard to hear inflammatory words of the opposite view coming from someone who is supposed to be on your team, like your toddler. I’m sure your family has figured out that this is a way to rile you up in a friendly rivalry.

However, I also understand why it doesn’t seem so friendly to you and why it feels rude, like someone trying to undermine your parenting technique or your value system. Thankfully this issue only involves sports teams and not a more serious issue, when stakes are much higher.

Eventually your son will grow up enough to understand the difference between his and your team and theirs. I think the best way to handle this is to calm down and keep reinforcing your team spirit to him positively over and over, and you’ll eventually win him over for good.

Depending on the personalities involved, you might even calmly tell your family members that their actions bother you.

In the meantime, maybe you’ll figure out a way to rile them up about their team, too — in a friendly way, of course — so that everyone will back off and let each side cheer for its own team.

HELEN’S ANSWER: Since our Oklahoma teams are very competitive, I don’t blame you for not wanting to hear about the rival team from your son’s young mouth. But you know it was all in fun for your family to teach him a “new cheer.”

This is one I think you can ignore and laugh about with your family. We cannot predict where he will go to school in the future. He probably needs to know ALL songs and cheers. However, all that being said, “Boomer Sooner”!

GUEST’S ANSWER: Bebe MacKellar, local community leader and volunteer: I think that you might be taking this a bit too seriously; most people think it is all in good fun when it comes to state rivalries.

Your toddler may be doing this to get a rise out of you because he or she knows it irritates you and gives him or her attention.

As with most things involving children of this age it is a passing phase and will probably end as soon as you quit acknowledging that it bothers you. Unfortunately, this will definitely not be the last time your child will be influenced by others.

QUESTION: Is there a “me first” attitude going on? Usually, I let people in front of me on the street, and they usually thank me with a wave. For some reason during this holiday season entitlement is rampant.

People just jump out in front of me and go on their merry way. No wave, no thanks. Somehow it seems like there is a lack of holiday grace among people in their cars.

Should I continue with random acts of kindness or mind my own business and go on down the road?

CALLIE’S ANSWER: If you are that mad about it, then you can join in on the “bah humbug” way. Keep doing your random acts of kindness. Who knows? You might rub off on people.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: Yes, there is a “me first” attitude going on, but we can’t fix it. All we can do is try to make sure we’re not contributing to a general climate of “everyone for himself.” Do you let people cut in front of you on the street in order to get a wave, or are you doing it because it’s the courteous thing to do? Do you treat people with respect because you expect something from them in return?

I’m guessing the answer is “no” to both questions, that you understand that nice behavior makes the world a better place. From your question, it sounds as if you’re looking for someone to say you can quit trying to be gracious because no one else is trying.

But the holidays are stressful, and we all need grace this time of year. You never know what hardships other people are facing, so even if you’re the one doing all the waving, keep it up, and thanks!

HELEN’S ANSWER: There IS lots of traffic at this time of year, and how thankful we all are when someone lets us in the line of cars. Sorry if we forget to wave our thanks, but sometimes we are so busy driving and not getting hit by another car, that your kindness does not get the proper respect.

I think you should continue to give holiday grace yourself and overlook the rudeness of others. Let them in and wave a cheery greeting as you do it.

GUEST’S ANSWER: Matthew Price, The Oklahoman features editor: Ah, “the wave,” the universal gesture of goodwill on the road. I try to make sure to wave in these circumstances, but not everyone does. Traffic gets really hectic in December, and it does sometimes seem as if common courtesy is becoming less common.

However, I don’t think most people intend to be rude or disrespectful — I think many people get caught up in their own situation and difficulties and may not think of the other person on the road, or in line at the store, or on hold waiting for customer service. It’s up to each one of us to do our best to bring that respect and kindness to our own lives the best that we can, and try to remember to think of others.

There’s a quotation that’s helpful to remember in these circumstances. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” The quote is often attributed to Plato, but it’s actually an adaptation of something written by Scottish author Ian MacLaren, the pseudonym of The Rev. John Watson. We don’t know what’s going on in the life of the person who cuts you off in traffic — whether it’s a sick child or a bad day at work or just a rush to check off all the items on the Christmas list. But try to remember others, and continue to be kind and grateful even when the other party fails to be.

To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net. For more 20-40-60 etiquette, go to blog.newsok.com/partiesextra.

BY CALLIE GORDON, LILLIE-BETH BRINKMAN AND HELEN FORD WALLACE

QUESTION: My friend’s birthday is Dec. 24. Usually, I combine her birthday and the holiday and spend a little more for one gift. I started thinking that maybe she would rather have two small gifts, one for her birthday, and one for Christmas. What should I do?

CALLIE’S ANSWER: That is a tough one. Everyone who has birthdays around Christmas or even on Christmas Day probably doesn’t get a huge celebration. Simply ask her which she would prefer. If it were me, I would get her one for the birthday and one for Christmas, but to each his own.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: After giving one nice gift for so long, what made you start thinking she would rather have two gifts? If there’s a reason you’re rethinking this, then maybe you’ve answered your question. With a birthday that comes so close to the holiday, I’m sure your friend is used to people combining gifts by now, especially as an adult, although you could ask her whether that ever bothered her growing up.

Her answer to that question might give you a clue about what she’s thinking. Acknowledging her birthday and Christmas with separate gifts is a nice gesture of friendship. However, the point of gift-giving exchanges between friends should not be the amount of money spent but the thoughtfulness and care shown with each gift. If you make it clear that your gift is to wish her a happy birthday and merry Christmas, then you’ve shown such consideration.

You could also celebrate her birthday in another way — enjoying lunch or dinner with her sometime around the holidays or by bringing her a cupcake along with the Christmas gift.

HELEN’S ANSWER: She probably would love a birthday gift. Don’t you know that people with December birthdays sometimes get forgotten in the rush of holiday gifting? Birthdays are special, and it is important to remember hers, even if it is a small token of your friendship. Then, if you exchange Christmas presents, you can add to her joy of the season! Happy holidays!

GUEST’S ANSWER, Yvette Walker, director of Night News and Custom Publications, The Oklahoman: This is an easy one. ASK HER!

You obviously care for your friend and give her gifts to make her happy. You won’t ruin the surprise if you ask her what she prefers. If she’s one of those “Oh, you don’t have to get me anything” types, just continue doing what you’re doing.

Or, just give her two smaller gifts, and tell her on her birthday, “Enjoy this one now, but Santa’s bringing another one just for you on Christmas Day.”

20-40-60 etiquette would love to hear from you. Ask an etiquette question by emailing helen.wallace@cox.net. For previous columns, go to blog.newsok.com/partiesextra.

QUESTION: I would like to know whether table manners are still in vogue. During the holidays when everyone sat down to my lovely turkey dinner, there were several young children who kept getting up out of their seats (to get something, to tell their mother something, just whatever). No one made any attempt to curb this behavior and to keep the children seated. Should I have had a “children’s table,” or would they have just interrupted by leaving that table, too? I did not feel like it was appropriate for me to correct the behavior, but I also thought it was impolite.

CALLIE’S ANSWER: This is not your place. The parents should deal with this behavior. A kid’s table could be nice, but I don’t think it would help. Blow this off; you can’t control other people’s children.

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: If you have young children at a big holiday meal, their manners are not going to be perfect. It’s hard for them to sit still and hard for parents to teach that behavior all at once. Teaching good behavior happens over time and not just at one meal. Also, any mother of young children is going to be stressed because they require so much from her all the time. Maybe that mother was tired and wanted to take the path of least resistance that day — not correcting her children at a gathering, knowing family was around to help. I don’t know the answer.

However, from your statement, it doesn’t sound like the children were being destructive but only distracting. A children’s table is one solution, but that might not have solved your perceived problem of keeping them away from adults. Having little ones at any gathering injects into it an unpredictable element and requires some flexibility. Expect good behavior, but let little things slide if you can.

HELEN’S ANSWER: My best solution to this question is to have a children’s table, but close enough to the adult’s table that the small children know their parents are nearby.

One holiday at our house, the children’s table was the most fun. The children decorated the table for the meal, put out party favors that entertained them for 20 minutes and chose all the foods for their table. One “fun” adult was the host for the table, and the children never, ever even looked at the adult table. The children left the table when everyone was finished and the host had another activity planned while the adults finished their meal.

That being said, if children are seated at the adult table, or any table, they need to learn to be mannerly. Maybe an adult can set the rules before the meal begins. A simple, let’s all try our best to be polite today by “…” (whatever rules you want to apply here).

GUEST’S ANSWER: Hilarie Blaney, etiquette and international protocol consultant: In my experience, table manners are not in vogue or “in style” among most people these days. Being in the corporate and civic world, I see daily instances where highly educated people do not know or practice correct manners — at the meal or business table. In addition, the families that I train are mostly grandparents that wish for parents, my age, to remind their own children, but to train their grandchildren.

Your question included a formal dinner at your home, but it did not tell me enough about the relationship among the guests. If they were not your family of origin, you cannot correct their parents but you can just not include them next year. But, if they are your children and grandchildren, you have the right to pull them aside and discuss the importance of etiquette in this “fast food world.”

I am grateful for those people such as you that care about the discipline and comfort that etiquette stands for as well as the joy that a family holiday dinner can provide — family history, philosophy, world news and pure training that we should be passing down from generation to generation.

Lastly, I tried the “children’s table” last year, and it worked just as you suspected. It is, in my experience, the duty of the parents to monitor and or pay attention to the behavior of their children, at a dinner such as this as well as at any social function attended by adults. But as we all know, “children will be children,” and a hostess must sometimes just go with the flow.

To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.