Should I cancel the party? 20-40-60 answers!
YOU ASK! WE ANSWER! YOU DECIDE!
QUESTION: Dear 20-40-60….I cannot wait to have this answered in the paper. This is real life! I am planning a big birthday party for my husband. He is going to be 75 this week. His father is 98 and in very poor health and has taken a downturn and might die in the next few days.
If so, then the funeral and the birthday party could be in the same week.
Should we go ahead and cancel the party? I am not sure what I should do.
CALLIE’S ANSWER: Whoa! That is tricky! I would have the party, the more people who are around him to support, the better. Both the funeral and the birthday should be a celebration of great lives.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: First of all, I am so sorry you’re in this situation. Although any loved one’s death is sad, both of these events — a 75th birthday and an impending funeral for a 98-year-old — are ways we celebrate long lives well lived, with good memories from friends and family members at both.
Since your father-in-law’s death wouldn’t be sudden or unexpected, I don’t think there’s a clear-cut answer to what you should do, nor is there a proper etiquette rule. You don’t know the timing the future will bring.
If you cancel the event, you’ll have to pay for canceled caterers, music, florists, etc., assuming that you’re planning a big birthday celebration. You can turn the party into a celebration of two lives, a father and a son, and use it as a chance to connect with dear friends who knew one or the other both. Of course, if your father-in-law dies, you shouldn’t set the funeral on the same day as the party.
On the other hand, everyone would understand if you canceled the party, and your husband might want more time to spend with his father in his last moments. Although it’s always difficult to coordinate a date, perhaps you could work out a deal with everyone to postpone the party to a specific time in the future.
I could go back and forth on this dilemma all day. It depends in part on the personalities involved and how long the father has been in ill health. This is a close call.
You aren’t going to make everyone happy, so whatever you do, make sure it’s a choice with which you feel comfortable.
HELEN’S ANSWER: It is a little late to cancel the band, the food, the venue, without taking a financial loss, however if you can afford that or can re-schedule the party, that is probably the right thing to do. It seems to me that the problem is that he might die on the day of the party, and then who wants to be at a party trying to be happy.
If you cannot afford the financial loss, then go ahead with the party plans and hope for the best.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Heather Warlick-Moore, Mood Publication Editor… Postponing the party might be a good idea because your husband may be grieving his father’s death too much to be able to enjoy his own party. Even postponing the party for one week could make a big difference for all involved. You’d feel less guilty about celebrating the same week there was a death in the family and your husband will have had a little time to process his father’s death.
If you do decide to continue with your plans for the party, I would suggest finding a nice way to pay tribute to your father-in-law at the party. For example, you could set up a small table with a candle and some framed photos of him, perhaps with his wife and other family members.
You could use your computer to print up a tasteful sign saying something like, “In loving memory of Bob” and frame that sign as well. And during the party, perhaps you could make a toast that includes some words about the loss and how much he meant to your husband.
Callie Gordon, a college junior, was a 2009 debutante and has been in many new social situations recently. Lillie-Beth Brinkman is a former debutante and currently the assistant features editor for The Oklahoman. Helen Wallace has written a social column for The Oklahoman for many years and has been on various local Ball committees. Guest Heather Warlick-Moore is Mood print editor.
This group does not always agree (via age differences), but they ALL see the need for proper behavior.
Ask a specific etiquette question and you will get three answers…Then you decide for yourself how you would handle the situation. The answers have information for every age range….Callie is 20-ish; Lillie-Beth is 40-something, and Helen is 60-plus.
Please email us with your questions and follow us on Facebook, Twitter and daily blogs. We will try to answer your etiquette questions weekly on the Parties Extra! blog.
Sometimes we will ask other people for their opinions.
Look for us!
helen.wallace@cox.net …lbrinkman@opubco.com… calliezok3@aol.com
Steakley-Brollier wedding and party held in Oklahoma City
Curt and Linda Roberts, Tucker Brollier, Lauren, Steve, and Libby Steakley were at one of the parties for the Steakley-Brollier wedding. (Photo by David Faytinger).
Out-of-town guests for the wedding of Lauren Steakley and Tucker Brollier were entertained at a Mexican Fiesta in the home of Shari and Charles Buxton. Co-hosts were Gay and Ed Kirby, Anita and Phil Patterson, Billye and Jimmie Austin, Machen and Sam Daube, Kay and Bill Gustafson.
Outdoor tables were decorated with embroidered Mexican cloths.
Among the guests were Tessa and Travis Moss, Sarah and Bill Pruellage, Linda and Curt Roberts, Libby and Steve Steakley, Susan Sadler, Barbie and Bill Borlaug and Donna and Thad Brollier.
The couple was married Sept. 11th at Christ the King Catholic Church. The reception was at the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club.
Newly-weds Lauren and Tucker Brollier. They were married September 11th. (Photos by Helen Ford Wallace).
Lauren Brollier and her mother, Libby Steakley, talk at the wedding reception at the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club. Lauren was married to Tucker James Brollier on September 11. (Photo by Helen Ford Wallace).
The beautiful wedding cake.
The groom loves candy, so instead of a groom’s cake, there was a table filled with all kinds of candy and monogrammed sacks were available for guests to take some home.
Steve and Libby Steakley enjoy the wedding reception of their daughter, Lauren Steakley, and Tucker Brollier.
Ed and Kaye Cook were at the Steakley-Brollier wedding at Christ the King Catholic Church and at the reception at the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club
Kirk Hammons and Candy Dulaney talk at the wedding.
We got mail! 20-40-60
Callie, Lillie-Beth and I received several comments and e-mails in reader response to our recent 20-40-60 question: “What is the proper etiquette to tipping your nail tech or beautician?
Also, I’ve noticed when I go into certain establishments, like a doughnut shop, they now have a tip jar at the counter. I mean REALLY!! You’re only there 5 seconds getting a dozen donuts to go. Some BBQ places are the same way. You have to order at the counter, fix your own drink and seat yourself.
Why do I want to tip the cashier just for taking my order and my money?”
Here they are, unsigned, with a link to the original post. Click here for entire column from September 22, 2010
“I am so grateful to the people that help me, I try to always tip. Hopefully these people are also grateful to have their jobs. We should always try to do something for someone else that no one knows about. Tipping might be one of those things. ”
“I happened to stumbled upon the recent 20-40-60 article. Here’s my rule of thumb regarding the particular areas discussed in the article:
Take-out: None – 10% depending upon amount food and amount of work done to prepare my meal.
Hairdresser: 15% always.
Nails: 10-15% depending on frequency of attendance, quality of service, etc.
Tip jars: ridiculous and inappropriate, those facilities already charge for their services. Once upon a time, those were “Give a penny, Take a penny” dishes – THAT made sense!
Emily Post, Miss Manners, et al. tend to agree with me….or I with them….however you want to look at it. 
”
“I think it’s great you are doing an article regarding tip etiquette! I was a server in the restaurant industry for about 7 years and I’ve had my fair share of great tippers and not so great tippers. What many customers do not know about the serving industry is that we get paid less than minimum wage and rely on our tips for our income.
When I worked at Olive Garden in KS there was a set pay of $2.13/hr. with no raises. This was just to pay the taxes on the tips I received and many times the check would be voided because taxes would take it all. So I did solely rely on my tips to pay all my bills. I feel this is something that customers overlook or don’t even know about when deciding to tip.
We expect 15% for our services if we meet the company standards of service. If we do an exceptional job, we expect 20-25% and if it’s more than that we are even more grateful.
Another thing is at many serving jobs the server only gets 3-4 tables to serve at a time, which is okay, but if 1 or 2 of these tables sits and stays longer after eating and does not tip appropriately that’s more money lost to the server. So if you are someone that stays after a your meal to talk and not order anything else tip your server a little extra, they lose money not turning their table. The longer someone sits at a table the more money the server loses.
I’m not saying to not enjoy your meal or the company you might be with but just to think of the server as well…it’s their job and their income.”
“I am usually firm at a minimum of 15% at a restaurant. If it’s a place I go regularly, I tip 20-25%, no matter the service…because I enjoy the whole experience, or I wouldn’t go. People that tip 10%, or at all…I am embarassed for you. You have to understand that there are more than just the waiter/waitress to blame if the service stinks. Cooks, bussers, etc…they’re all cogs. They have to be in sync. …And, no, I have never waited tables, but appreciate those that can do that for a living.
I want to know: Where does it all stop? I bought my son an hour of private ski lessons last year and it was $125! After he was done, the instructor kept hanging around as if she wanted something. She is the one that got paid, was I supposed to tip her as well? What about takeout food? The credit card receipt has the tip line…I feel like a jerk for not tipping, but should I?”
“If it’s a service that typically gets a tip such as a hair stylist, nail technician, waiter/waitress – I tip, but only if I am pleased with the outcome and quality of service. If I get a rude waitress who slams my plate on the table, or rolls her eyes when I ask for a drink refill…or if she flirts with my husband thinking it’ll increase her tip – the tip is usually a dollar or nothing. On occasion, I’ll write on the “tip” line: “Your attitude was awful. Improve it, or find a new line of work” That’s only if the service was terrible.
I am more than happy to give a tip, because when I was in college, I had to work those types of jobs (waitressing). I know that the job pays little and they rely on tips to help make rent, or put food on their own table, people are overly demanding, and rude, their feet and back hurt.
Once you’ve been in that same spot, you just understand. If I get a waitress who does the simple things I ask – which is usually a simple refill of my drink and not slam in on the table, or roll the eyes and not flirt with my husband, then they get a 15% tip; and the tip increases if the service was excellent.”
“People don’t tip me for doing my job. I get a pay check from the company. Why should I tip people for doing their job? I don’t expect a tip when I do a good job, but I would expect to get fired if I didn’t do a good job. I think this is all silly from a man’s points of view. I know women have their own rules about how they deal with each other.”
“I can’t find a job anywhere, am on a fixed income that barely gets me above the poverty line, we can’t afford for my wife to have her nails done, she cuts her own hair & I only have mine cut when I can’t stand it any more. Tip at the BBQ place or Donut shop?? Not gonna happen. Lunch at a restaurant, I leave a couple bucks. Dinner gets 10 – 15 % unless the service earns them more.”
“Look, people who work a restaurants don’t get benefits, so I tip 20% — no matter what. Bad service, bad food — don’t bug them just go somewhere else next time — they’ll be out of business soon enough. Hair place, I tip 20%, wife tips 10% — don’t ask. Honda place — I told them I would tip if they vacuumed the car AND had drinkable coffee — no change in behavior detected.”
Wedding shower held during rain showers
Laren Dodd, Marcie Dodd, Debbie Davis Sanders enjoyed the party for Sanders. (Photos by Helen Ford Wallace).
Debbie Davis Sanders was honored at a bridal shower in the home of Judy Love. The honoree and John Sanders were married September 18.
Hostesses were Love, Sherry Beasley, Barbara Brou, Jo Carol Cameron, Nancy Ellis, Kirk Hammons, Mary Lou Ille, Susan Johnston, Brenda McDaniel, Cindy Rice, Lil Ross, Lois Salmeron, Sylvia Slater and Eileen Williams.
At the party were Shelly Adler, Joy Richardson, Judy Mee, Barbara Thompson, Gennie Johnson, Marty Margo, Ruth Lampton, Betsy Thorpe, Kaye Cook, Debby Dudman, Jane Thompson, Barbie Jones, Maria Delgado, Edna Close, Annie Griffin, Carol Kabelitz, Laren Dodd, Marcie Dodd, Gale Bollinger, Bette MacKellar and Marty Margo.
Judy Mee, Kaye Cook and Debby Dudman were at the party honoring Debbie Davis Sanders in the home of Judy Love.
Jane Thompson and Judy Love talk at the event.
Marty Margo and Bette MacKellar get out their umbrellas as they leave the party. It was definitely a rainy shower.
Umbrellas were left at the front door of Judy Love’s for the shower inside the house.
Tri Delta alums get together for Bullfrog Party
Jackie Jones, Catherine Glenn, Juliann Strange, Rachel Uraneck, Melanie Russell were at the Tri Delta Bullfrog Party. (Photo by David Faytinger).
Members of Tri Delta alumni got together in the home of Melinda and Randy Compton’s home in Fairview Farms for the annual Bullfrog Party. Bullfrog drinks (a limeade concoction) have been served since the social event began years ago.
Green frogs decorated the home and tables outside had cloths trimmed in green.
Among the guests were Marylee and Tim Strange, Margaret and Cam McLain, Wendy Simpson, Sallie and Wendell Cavin, Jackie and Mike Joes, Leslie and John Baumert, Claudia and Jim Robertson, Virginia and Stan Robertson, Marsha and Mark Tygret, Cathy and Brandon Murphy, Catherine Glenn, Rachel Uraneck, Ann and Craig McBride, Rhonda and Jim Williston, Kim and Mike Mullins, Donna and Bart Lowrey, Lisa and Alan Synar, Beth and Paul Brown, Diane and Bob Cooke.
Parties Extra! …..Oklahoma City Junior League’s Mistletoe Market Set for October
Wendy Mounger, Caroline Mathis and Keri Clemons talk about the Junior League’s Mistletoe Market on Parties Extra!
More tipping etiquette? 20-40-60 answers!
YOU ASK! WE ANSWER! YOU DECIDE!
(We would love some reader input on this one… We are wondering….. Do you have an opinion about this question?)
QUESTION: What is the proper etiquette to tipping your nail tech or beautician?
Also, I’ve noticed when I go into certain establishments, like a donut shop, they now have a tip jar at the counter. I mean REALLY!! You’re only there 5 seconds getting a dozen donuts to go. Some BBQ places are the same way. You have to order at the counter, fix your own drink and seat yourself.
Why do I want to tip the cashier just for taking my order and my money?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: Obviously this depends. Did they do a good job? Have you been going to them FOREVER? Did they style and blow-dry your hair after?
You should tip your beautician, meaning cut and colorist 10%. The person that washes your hair maybe a couple bucks.
When I get my nails done I go to a place where I have a different person every time. This said, my tipping varies. For the tip jar, it depends on if I love the product, or how my day is going.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: I’m struggling with this, too, and I’m sure someone in the service industry has a much more complete perspective than I do. When I see a tip jar on a counter in a place that’s mostly self-service, then I leave a small tip (nowhere near the 20 percent that I would if I were at a table with a waiter) if I have the extra change.
On a credit card slip, I’ll add a couple of dollars or so to places where I pick up as a to-go order.
I’m a little bewildered by an expectation for a tip when there isn’t a waiter involved at a restaurant, but I figure the staff has to take the time to pull my order together, so it’s worth a small tip. As for nail tech or beautician, most information I read suggests tipping 15 to 20 percent of your total bill, depending on service. I’m not sure if tipping that amount for a beauty service has been expected for a long time or it’s a new idea.
Does the beauty salon account for tips as part of a person’s salary? I don’t know and would love to hear from readers about why they tip or don’t tip in certain circumstances.
HELEN’S ANSWER: I think 10% is always a good tip for the beautician or nail tech. I always try to tip a little more because I never seem to have the right change.
A friend of mine does not tip at all, but she does give lovely Christmas gifts. And the service people look forward to the holiday season because they know her gift will really be special. The tip jar at the donut counter is a great place to get rid of some extra change, but I don’t feel that it is necessary to add to it because who knows where it goes? It is usually not enough to divide among all the employees, so who gets it?
GUEST LINDA MILLER’S ANSWER: Definitely tip your nail tech and hair stylist if you’re pleased with the service.
To me, service is key in any business, but especially service-related industries. I expect good service and hope for even better. If someone gave me a lousy manicure, why would I give him or her a tip – on top of the cost of the manicure? I would find another nail tech, too.
I do think tipping has gotten out of hand. Literally. You can find tip jars everywhere. Sometimes I toss in some change; often I don’t. It depends as much on my mood as the face smiling back at me. But, really, does the woman who works at the dry cleaners deserve a tip for handing me my laundry? If you think so, did you read that fashion trend story I wrote recently? It was a great service to readers. Send your tips to …
Callie Gordon, a college junior, was a 2009 debutante and has been in many new social situations recently. Lillie-Beth Brinkman is a former debutante and currently the assistant features editor for The Oklahoman. Helen Wallace has written a social column for The Oklahoman for many years and has been on various local Ball committees. Guest Linda Miller is Fashion Editor for The Oklahoman and Mood.
This group does not always agree (via age differences), but they ALL see the need for proper behavior.
Ask a specific etiquette question and you will get three answers…Then you decide for yourself how you would handle the situation. The answers have information for every age range….Callie is 20-ish; Lillie-Beth is 40-something, and Helen is 60-plus.
Please email us with your questions and follow us on Facebook, Twitter and daily blogs. We will try to answer your etiquette questions weekly on the Parties Extra! blog.
Sometimes we will ask other people for their opinions.
Look for us!
helen.wallace@cox.net …lbrinkman@opubco.com… calliezok3@aol.com
Members of Phi Gamma Delta Fraternity at OU celebrate new house
Master of ceremony Lee Allan Smith welcomes guests to the Phi Gamma Delta House. He also spearheaded the fundraising efforts. He is a FIJI alum. (Photos by Helen Ford Wallace).
University of Oklahoma Phi Gamma Delta fraternity members, alumni, university officials, guests, were at the grand opening and ribbon cutting of Nu Omega chapter at 1200 College Ave. in Norman.
Chairs were set up on the front lawn for the crowd and the front porch served as the stage where dignitaries were introduced, the OU marching band played, Lauren Nelson-Faram, Miss America 2007, sang, and Billy Sims yelled out “Boomer” for the crowd answer “Sooner.”
Current fraternity members moved into the 28,000 square-foot-house earlier this month. Lee Allan Smith, Fraternity alum, spearheaded the project’s fundraising and was master of ceremony. The event featured speeches and tributes by Curtis Mewbourne, David L. Boren, Smith, Turner Hardwick, Mark McPhail and Dahl Brown.
After the ceremony, guests went through a buffet line in the new dining room for hot dogs, hamburgers and lots of side dishes. The dessert table was set up on the patio outside. Party favors for all guests included “I’m Fiji Fan” fan, Phi Gam crested cups and cup coasters (perfect to set around on the new furniture for drinks).
Tablecloths featured the fraternity symbols and bouquets of freshly cut flowers were on all of the tables.
Among those at the event were Christy and Jim Everest, Patty and Kent Cohenour, Louise and Clay Bennett, Mollie Bennett, Christy Bennett, Helen and Bob Sullivan, Molly Boren, Bob Cornell, Joe Castiglione, Becky and Barry Switzer, DeAnn Smith, Laurie and Jim Hyde, Sharon and John Bozalis, JoAnne Mewbourne, Candy Dulaney, Geoff Dulaney, Lisa Dobbs, Gail and Denny Cresap, John Cresap, Dick Ellis, Bob Ellis, Charles Ellis, Susan and Steve Jernigan, Bebe and Bruce MacKellar, Allison and Bryan Timberlake, Glenda and Randy Fudge, Jim Wade, Mary and Rowland Denman, Dick Lampton, Bill Bell, Dick Cain, Linda and Rudy Hiersche, Sandy and Stewart Meyers, Linda and Bill Rodgers, Mary and Phil Truss, Ed Moler, Barbara and Bill Paul, DeLee Smith, Mary Fallin, Jennifer and Fritz Kiersch, Wendy Smith, Diane and Tod Sanger, Clara and Gerald McPhail, Linda and Steve Garrett, Dick Clements, Richard Clements, Kathy and Hunter Miller, Guy Liebmann, Karen and Pete Delaney, Dianne and Denver Meacham, Clarke Nye, Jantha and Charles Freede, Chuck Schroeder, Ramona and Homer Paul, Lauren and Randy Faram, Jan and Bill Robinson, Ann Finley, Earl Ingram, Mary Ann and Don Haskins, Jim Davis, Clarke Stroud, Paul Massad, Tripp Hall, Kristin Partridge, Rennie Cook, Nick Hathaway, Paul Massad and Joe Lester.
Balloons were launched from the roof as the OU Band marched away. Guests toured the new house and had the luncheon prior to the OU-Florida State football game
Fraternity alumni members involved in fundraising the $6 million for the new house were introduced.
David L. Boren, Molly Shi Boren and Curtis Mewbourne were at the event.
Inside the Phi Gamma Delta fraternity house was a wall with donor names and pictures.
Phi Gams gave out fans for the outdoor ceremony and also for guests to take to the football stadium for the University of Oklahoma-Florida State University football game.
Active chapter members enjoy the dedication.
Oklahoma City Ball has an Italian theme
The 35th annual Renaissance Ball was held at the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club where colorful banners on tall poles were placed everywhere in the front of the Country Club. Theme of the Ball was “La Serenissima,” and decorations and the menu had a Venice flair. Jeanne Hoffman Smith was Honorary Chairman and Karen and Peter Delaney were Chairmen. (Photos by Helen Ford Wallace).
Beautiful bouquets of flowers by Jim Vallion and the staff at Trochta’s decorated the tables. Each flower arrangement was individually spotlighted creating a very romantic atmosphere.
Bruce and Bebe MacKellar arrive at the party at the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club.
Nancy Ellis and Sharon Bozalis were at the party. Nancy and Dr. Bob Ellis were among the underwriters for the Ball and Sharon and Dr. John Bozalis were listed as benefactors.
Jim Vallion and Genea Vallion were on the Ball Committee and Jim Vallion/Trochta’s were listed among the underwriters for the Ball.
Among the hors d’oeuvre items for guests at the party included an olive bar.
“Best of the Press” set for November 7th in the OU Press Building
Click here for Parties Extra! photo gallery
Byron Price and Sue Ann Hyde talk on Parties Extra! about “Best of the Press.”
