Are manners passe? 20-40-60 answers
YOU ASK…WE ANSWER…YOU DECIDE
QUESTION: Are manners passè ?
(A dear friend of many years who understands the importance of proper manners and etiquette gave me a quote from the “Li Chi,” or “Chinese Book of Rites,” compiled in the first century B.C. that warns the “ruin of states, the destruction of families and the perishing of individuals” is always preceded by their abandonment of the rules of propriety.)
Callie’s answer: Manners will never be passè!
If you think they are, then you are passè! “Please” and “thank you” are a must in showing appreciation and a type of kindness!
Kindness and manners, I hope, will never be passè.
Lillie-Beth’s answer: I want to scream “NO, MANNERS ARE NOT PASSÈ!” but that would be rude, especially when typed in uppercase. Who determines whether that’s rude? Society? What do we mean by society? Is there such a thing as manners police? Not unless you’re talking about young brothers and sisters who are quick to point out siblings chewing with their mouths open.
Whew! So many unanswered questions, especially in today’s world, when it seems that rules of etiquette are often left to individuals’ feelings about a particular subject.
In the grand scheme of things, I like to think that having good manners (or at least attempting them) shows your respect for another human being, stranger or friend. Being courteous is a sign that you think of others’ beyond yourself.
Manners are kind of like the “The AP Style Book” that journalists use for consistency in writing. You don’t notice when everything’s in place because you’re just enjoying the writing; but inconsistent grammar, spelling and punctuation distracts readers and detracts from the writing.
So it goes in the world of etiquette: for right or wrong, people’s lack of decorum in social situations either reveals a true character that may be flawed, overshadows any good character traits or makes people question whether they have any good traits at all. But if you have good manners, even if they go unnoticed, people simply can enjoy your company without a negative distraction.
Helen’s answer: No! Manners are in! The good news about manners and etiquette is that they are for people who wish to improve themselves and make a difference in the world. We all have a responsibility to be civil and treat each other well. We don’t have to do everything just right, but, it is a good idea to be thoughtful and to have common sense. We can choose civility over rudeness.
Manners have to do with consideration for others. Nowhere are manners more on display than at the table. We have all witnessed people in restaurants with their arms and elbows on the table, talking with their mouths full, blowing their noses and grooming themselves. It seems like they are thinking only of themselves and not how annoying they are to the people around them.
But, manners are not only about the table. We need to remember to use basic and simple words such as please, thank you, and excuse me. Some people may not understand the relevance in etiquette training. They may think the notions of protocol and civility are quaint and out-dated concepts. Some people believe manners are only for the elite, the privileged, or the country club set.
Yvette Walker’s answer: Official rules of etiquette may be passé but politeness and common courtesy are not. I like the often-used but unattributed quote, “Etiquette tells one which fork to use. Manners tells one what to do when your neighbor doesn’t.” Is it a manners crime if you do not place your fork and knife parallel on your plate when you are finished eating to signal to the waiter that you are done? Does it matter if a woman sits on the right or the left? (Emily Post says “a lady on the left is not a lady.”)
However, it is common courtesy to tip correctly. It is polite for a gentleman to offer his arm to a lady when navigating a steep hill or sidewalk. I always offer a knife or a pair of scissors with the sharp end pointing towards me. That is how my mother told me to do it and I honor my mother by doing this. Plus, it is safer to handle sharp items this way.
Other courtesies that I agree with and expect from others include offering a seat to an older or disabled person, introducing an older person before a younger person and sending regrets if you are not able attend a party once you have agreed to come. These niceties simply make life easier.
(Callie Gordon, a college sophomore, was a 2009 debutante and has been in many new social situations recently. Lillie-Beth Brinkman is a former debutante and currently the assistant features editor for The Oklahoman. Helen Wallace has written a social column for The Oklahoman for many years and has been on various local Ball committees. Yvette Walker is OPUBCO’s Director of Presentation, Features and Custom Publishing.
This group does not always agree (via age differences), but they ALL see the need for proper behavior.
Ask a specific etiquette question and you will get three answers…Then you decide for yourself how you would handle the situation. The answers have information for every age range….Callie is 20-ish; Lillie-Beth is 40-something, and Helen is 60-plus.
Please email us with your questions and follow us on Facebook, Twitter and daily blogs. We will try to answer your etiquette questions weekly on the Parties Extra! blog. Sometimes we will ask other people for their opinions.
Look for us!
helen.wallace@cox.net…lbrinkman@opubco.com… calliezok3@aol.com
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