The Long-Lost Art of the RSVP
Let’s start with the basics. The term ‘RSVP’ stands for réspondez s’il vous plait, which is a French term that roughly translates to “please respond.” In this economy, or any economy really, knowing the correct number of guests to prepare for can be important. Too few hors d’oeuvres and guests can wind up ravenous – too many, and the host has just wasted money.
This brings me to my first point, which may seem a bit obvious: if you RSVP ‘yes’ to a party or event, then show up. It seems like common sense to most people, but lately I’ve noticed a trend of people responding with a ‘yes’ and then not showing or, more commonly, simply not replying to the invitation at all. Perhaps it needs to be stated again, that RSVP means “please respond” – meaning that the host is requesting a response of some sort, even if it’s a ‘no’. It’s perfectly fine to decline an invitation, as it still helps the host as far as planning when it comes to food and refreshments.
Of course, this line of thought also brings me to another point: if the invitation is to you only, it doesn’t mean you should show up with friends. I’ve also noticed that occasionally, people will follow-through on their RSVP of ‘yes’ – but they’ll also bring a guest or five with them. For one, this goes back to the beginning of my post about how, if too many guests show up, the host won’t have enough refreshments and hors d’oeuvres available for everyone. This also creates the possibility of another issue: occasionally, hosts may not invite specific people for specific reasons. Ultimately, it should be the host’s decision as to who attends – and bringing uninvited guests can certainly have a negative impact on that, as well as your relationship with that person.
There you have it – the basics of RSVP etiquette. Here are a few more party tips to consider:
- When hosting a client holiday party, don’t drink alcohol. As the host, it’s your duty to be on top of your game.
- If invited to a private home, be sure to take the host a small gift – wine, candy, or a homemade item are all good ideas.
- Make sure to eat a snack before you go – if you start engaging in conversation, you may not be able to eat until later, which can prompt a late-night fast food run on the way home.
- If you drink anything, make sure to carry it in your left hand – when you offer a handshake, it’s preferable for it not to be a cold one.
- Introduce guests to each other based on hierarchy, naming the higher-ranking person first – this can be by age, sex, client, or company hierarchy.
- Watch what you wear – too casual or too revealing can get you in trouble!
- Don’t let your guard down too much – it’s good to be casual and friendly with other guests, but don’t reveal too much personal info and wake up the next morning with regrets.
Lastly, make sure to thank the host both when you enter AND when you leave.
Best regards,
Hilarie
Hilarie
Airplane Passenger Faux Pas and Holiday Travel Etiquette: Revisited
With the scorching summer winding down and the holidays right around the corner, I find myself with the desire to revisit an area of etiquette we’ve broached on once before: travel etiquette. Recently, I was on a plane and I noticed a few things. Some of these are obvious faux pas; however, some of these I feel are simply being inadvertently overlooked on one’s travels.
- Timeliness and Anger Management – Like anyone or anything else, planes occasionally run late. While unfortunate, these things happen – but getting grouchy or upset solves nothing. Slamming the window shutter closed or sighing in exasperation at the baby crying isn’t helping anything, either. We are all in this plane together, and only for a short time. I promise you, it will all be over soon; make the best of it!
- Arm Rests and Leg Room – With whom does the decision ultimately rest? It’s okay for people to get comfortable, but one should also be considerate; share the arm rests with the middle seat and check to ensure the person behind you is not particularly tall before leaning your seat back.
- Window Seat – Who gets to decide whether the shutter stays open or closed? Must your seatmates in the middle and aisle seats be forced to miss the landing, take-off, or view of the city from above just because you don’t care to see it?
- Babies – Traveling with children can be a challenge for parents, but it’s a challenge for other passengers, as well. Perhaps there should be a way to designate the seats where a baby will end up, so that passengers might have the option to sit elsewhere.
- “Raise your seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions.” Why can’t some people hear this request? No one ever does, it seems! They announce it over the speakers twice, only to have to come by and ask you to do it anyway.
- Cell-Fishness – Tsk, tsk to people on their phones, as well – surely, there is no conversation so important that the rest of the plane needs to hear your half of it. What has happened to privacy?
- Pre-Plane Cocktails – Nervous flyers, I sympathize with you completely. But please, don’t overdo it before boarding the plane – recently, I actually witnessed a passenger be escorted off the plane for rude behavior while intoxicated!
- Departure – Don’t jump up in the aisle to get ahead of people. It really won’t save any significant amount of time, and it can actually hinder the process of everyone else departing the plane.
Basically, what it boils down to is, be considerate of those around you. After all, we’re on the airplane with you, too.
Whew. What a trip! I think that about covers it.
Best regards,Hilarie
Invite your children to the dinner table – for their sake.
Frank Herholdt/Getty Images
We all should read “A Good Talk.” Daniel Menaker said, “conversation should be easy, and not in the least dogmatic; it should have the spice of wit.” Reading this New York Times article, The Life (and Death) of the Party, and Menaker’s book reminds me how afraid I am for the futures of young people that only know how to text or email to talk.
What will they do when they are invited to a dinner party some day? They will be the “death” of the party. As Ronald Reagan said, “all great change in America happens at the dinner table.” So parents, invite your children to have dinner with you at the table and start the change.
Best regards,Hilarie
No Butts About It – Watch Where You Drop That!
Our unusually dry, hot summer in Oklahoma has an unusual etiquette topic on my mind: the manners of smokers and their cigarette butts. First, the facts:
- 650,000 butts are dropped in OKC every day.
- Each contains 9-30mg of poisons like ammonia, cadmium (batter acid), nicotine and more.
- Total, 5.5 gallons of poisons are released into our environment every day – and that’s just in the OKC metro.
A single dropped cigarette butt might not seem like much to a smoker, just like one sandbag doesn’t seem to make a difference in a flood or one leaf doesn’t seem to make a difference to a tree. When you start stacking those sandbags, though, they make a huge impact – same for the cigarette butts.
Even more concerning than the long-term environmental dangers are the immediate risk of fire. As dry as the land and grasses are in our state, it’s nothing but irresponsible to toss a cigarette butt out of a car while driving. I can assure each and every smoker who does this that wherever they are going, there’s going to be a trashcan available. At the very least, commit to taking care of your fellow Oklahomans by keeping a receptacle in your vehicle for used cigarettes (like a water bottle or some other small container).
Best regards,
Hilarie
Say, can you see why some don’t salute the flag?
Originally published in The Oklahoman on Saturday, June 11, 2011.
How was I first aware that the way to honor and respect our flag and country was by placing my right hand over my heart during the national anthem? When did it become evident how much this action meant to me?
Was it my grade-school teacher and the Pledge of Allegiance, my job in the U.S. Senate in Washington during the bicentennial, a photo of firefighters hoisting the flag at the World Trade Center remains on 9/11, being lucky enough to have missed the Murrah Building bomb by 15 minutes, was it at the Smithsonian seeing the Star Spangled Banner’s words and flag display in Washington in 2009, or the military folks in my family, friends and in this country that have made the commitment to serve an ultimate sacrifice for our freedom?
Yesterday it was opening my passport to travel and noticing the inside left page has Francis Scott Key standing on a ship, looking at the flag with the words, “O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave o’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?” How did I not ever notice this before?
Saluting Old Glory
So, why do some people observe and respect by placing their hands over their hearts and others don’t? Whether it is any sporting event, Rotary club or looking around at the recent basketball playoffs, I have become confused at business people, elected officials, fans as well as ballplayers.
Coach Scott Brooks and Nick Collison place their hands over their hearts. I see a young boy observing, but his 40-year-old father doesn’t. A ball cap comes off the head of a 20-year-old man and one stays on that of a 60 year-old man. Even more confusing to the public, the rules for active and civilian dressed military. There are rules for indoor and outdoor observation of the flag for both groups. Again, as a U.S. citizen, I ask why and why not. Is it laziness, disrespect, awareness or exercising one’s right to “choose” to observe our national symbol of freedom?
Not only was I reared to know, and now as a U.S. and International Protocol consultant, I have been required to read the United States Code for Flag Laws and Regulations. The Code outlines the laws and regulations as to the proper conduct with the flag and seal, seat of Government, official territory papers as well as desecration of the flag and penalties and patriotic and national observances. These laws were supplemented by executive orders and presidential proclamations.
Title 36, Chapter 1, Section 301 of the United States Code says:
National anthem; Star-Spangled Banner, conduct during playing:
During the rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform should stand at attention facing the flag and the right hand over the heart. Men not in uniform should remove their headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart. Persons in uniform should render the military salute at the first note of the anthem and retain its position until the last note. When the flag is not displayed, those present should face toward the music and act in the same manner they would if the flag were displayed there.
Celebrating Flag Day
Each year on June 14, we celebrate the birthday of the Stars and Stripes, which came into being on June 14, 1777. At that time, the Second Continental Congress authorized a new flag to symbolize the new Nation, the United States of America.
The Stars and Stripes first flew in a Flag Day celebration in Hartford, Connecticut in 1861, during the first summer of the Civil War. The first national observance of Flag Day was June 14, 1877, the centennial of the original flag resolution. In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson called for a nationwide observance of Flag Day on June 14. It was not until 1949 that Congress made this day a permanent observance and designated as Flag Day. The measure was signed into law by President Harry Truman.
When I hear the national anthem being played I stand tall and place my hand over my heart for those in the past, present and in the future that deserve my respect, gratitude and loyalty for sacrificing to protect my family, friends and country from harm.
Oh say … I can see Mary Pickersgill sew and deliver the flag one year before the battle of Baltimore in September 1814, Fort McHenry, the entrance to the Baltimore harbor, a 34-year-old lawyer-poet Francis Scott Key with his telescope turned to the fort, the rocket’s red glare and the bombs bursting in air, our flag still there, o’er the land of the free and the home of the BRAVE.
______________________________________________________________
A response from Cpt. Ray White Jr., U.S. Army (Ret.), Oklahoma City:
I wish to congratulate Hilarie Blaney for “Say, can you see why some don’t salute flag?” (Etiquette To Go, June 11). This was a fine piece, but I would like to point out an omission. The 2009 National Defense Authorization Act says veterans, retirees and active duty military members not in uniform should render a military-style hand salute during the playing of the national anthem and during the raising, lowering or passing of the flag. The military salute is a unique gesture of respect that marks those who have served in our nation’s armed forces.
Best regards,Hilarie
Looking for work? Manners matter.
Nationwide unemployment is sitting above 9%, and while Oklahoma City’s unemployment rate is just 4.5%, plenty among us are job searching or seeking career changes. It means that the job market here is not just competitive, it’s tight. While you update your resume, consider that the impression you leave on your potential employer after you land the interview is more important than anything else.
Businesses are trending towards testing the social skills of prospective employees more than ever. If you find that your interview will be over a meal instead of across a desk, don’t be surprised. So what’s an interviewee to do? Brush up on your basic mix of interview and table manners before you head to that potentially life-changing lunch:
- Follow the lead of your host, or interviewer. (If he or she sits down, that’s your cue to sit down.)
- Never order the most expensive thing on the menu.
- Don’t order anything sloppy – pasta is out.
- Keep your cell phone stowed and on silent – you would not pay attention to it in an office interview, right?
- Your napkin belongs in your lap (never on the table) and should stay there until you leave the restaurant.
- Know how and in what order to use your silverware.
Hopefully the uniqueness of the interview setting will allow you to relax some, but be sure to maintain the professionalism you would have were you sitting across a desk!
Best regards,Hilarie
Is “Hey” Still For Horses?
Think about the phone calls and emails you have received lately. How many of them have started with “Hey” followed by your name, or just “Hey!”? I’d wager that it has been more than just a few, and I wonder when we lost track of the more polite greetings like “hi,” or better, “hello.”
As the use of home phones continues to dwindle and caller ID on cell phones is standard, there is less of a need to identify who has called, making “Hey, do you want to grab lunch?” a perfectly common conversation opener.
I’d suggest a return back to our beloved “hi” and “hello” in your next phone call or email. Slow down and open the conversation without rushing into questions or requests. You might find that you like it!
Best regards,Hilarie
Lose the gum!
Text: (or your phone number if you meet a new friend)
I spotted this brilliant innovation at Upper Crust in Oklahoma City, a local restaurant in Classen Curve. What a great reminder for people that chew gum to lose it before they say another word! Without these little cards, guests would be choosing between retiring to the powder room, swallowing their gum, rolling gum in a paper napkin, or re-living elementary school by sticking it under the table or their chair.
Cheers to Upper Crust for such a fun reminder of good manners. I’d love to see these included in programs at weddings and funerals; a gentle, direct reminder of the manners required for those kind of occasions.
Best regards,Hilarie
David Beckham & Etiquette at the Royal Wedding
Before and after! (Danny Martindale/FilmMagic; Adrian Dennis/PA Wire)
When David Beckham arrived at Westminster Abbey for the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton last week he was proudly displaying his Order of the British Empire Medal, a medal he received for his service to British soccer.
Photos from the beginning of the day’s events show that when David arrived his medal was pinned to his right lapel, a significant faux pas, as any kind of medal or lapel pin belongs on the left.
Someone in the know must have alerted David, as his medal was moved to the left later in the morning. Aside from his brief etiquette mishap, David looked absolutely sharp in his suit and tie.
Best regards,Hilarie
Old coffee? Keep it away from the parking lot!
Imagine my surprise when I jumped out of my car after pulling up to Starbucks this morning and put my new spring shoes into a puddle. It wasn’t a rain puddle (which wouldn’t have been so awful, since we need the rain here in Oklahoma so badly), but a coffee puddle!
Yikes! A great place for coffee is a mug, a coffee pot, down a drain or in a trash can. I know we’re all in a hurry, especially in the morning and especially for our coffee. If your mug from the day before was unfinished, toss the excess down a drain, or ask your barista to empty it for you. When you empty a cup of coffee on a parking spot you may unwittingly leave someone else’s morning soggy, as they will have sopped up your favorite morning drink! Think twice before you pour – those sharing your parking lot will appreciate your consideration.
Best regards,Hilarie
