Bad people die. Bad people can create good things.
In case you were in that special kind of coma where you only miss big news events, like in an SNL sketch or a stupid movie, then here’s some shocking news: Everybody totally forgot that Michael Jackson dangled his baby off a ledge and bought his way out of a child molestation trial.
Oh, and Michael Jackson’s dead. That’s probably important to the story.
The outpouring of love for the now-deceased King of Pop is a little baffling to me. On NPR this morning, I actually heard a reporter ask if “we” had messed him up so much that he molested kids.
Uh…no. No we didn’t. “We” bought his records and went to his concerts and mostly let it slide that he had his whole face removed. “We” didn’t make him a pedophile.
Here’s the thing — it’s OK to talk about what a great musician and dancer he was. Why? Because he was a totally great musician and dancer.
But he wasn’t a saint. Not even a little bit. And dying doesn’t change that.
You know how Jim Morrison was a drunk and an a-hole, but The Doors made some great music? Or how Ty Cobb was a drunk and an a-hole, but he was a great baseball player? Or how I’m a drunk and an a-hole, but…wait…never mind.
The thing is, it’s OK to appreciate the art and not the artist. If you can’t seperate the two, then I’d leave them both alone and move on.
Michael Jackson, I’ll miss your music, which holds up really well 20-plus years later. But you, personally? Not so much.
Let’s work on liquor before we get into pot, OK?
Did any of you catch Monday’s Oklahoman? What am I saying, of course you didn’t. You damn kids with your hula hoops and your penny candy and your high-speed Internet access…
Anyway, my illiterati friends, Page 1 sported a story about LEAP (Law Enforcement Against Prohibition) which is pushing for legalized drugs, like marijuana. It was the kind of story that The Oklahoman wouldn’t have run 10 years ago, much less on the front page.
But let’s get beyond “progress,” which is boring, and talk about how backwards Oklahoma still is. You want legalized pot? How about we work on allowing grocery stores to carry liquor and wine?
Actually, as cool as that would be, forget even that. How about we get rid of the distributorship system in Oklahoma? Yeah — let’s get rid of the people who restrict which kinds of alcohol we can get and jack up the prices on the brands they do allow in.
Ever visit another state? Take a look in their liquor stores. Even where the cost of living is higher, their prices are lower, because they can buy their booze from the maker and not have to go through a price-hiking middleman like we do.
So, LEAP, good luck with all that. It’s a little pie-in-the-sky for Oklahomans, though, so I’m focusing my attention on these guys: Oklahomans For Modern Laws.
The newest possibly old, but maybe not, thing
The Internet is a race and I am a perpetual loser. But just because you’re late to the party, doesn’t mean you can’t put on a hat and eat cake. I keep a hat and some cake with me at all times, just in case I go someplace where there was a party recently.
Well, Keyboard Cat got cool and then passe and then cool again before you ever heard of it. Let’s not let that happen again. Instead, I recommend you embrace the newest cool thing on the Electroweb: Garfunkel & Oates.
Me, You and Steve from Erika Lindhome on Vimeo.
Oh, so you’ve already heard of them and liked them from back when they called themselves Ronnie James Dio’s Younger Brother Gavin? Well good for you. I’m just going to slip on this party hat I brought with me and enjoy them now, regardless.
Terrorism starts with MTV
Do you remember back when everything was about terrorism?
Shopping was about terrorism, because you had to go to the mall or the terrorists would win. And NFL football had to go on, because if they didn’t play, then the terrorists would win the Superbowl or something.
Even anti-drug commercials were all about how if you buy pot, the money ends up going back to terrorists who want to blow up your house while you’re baked.
Well, I’ve been thinking about it lately and I’m pretty sure that when I go crazy and commit some unthinkable tragedy, I want you all to start tracing the lines back to MTV and put it in a commercial.
Dude: So what you’re saying is that MTV caused Greg to go crazy and do that thing…
Guy: With the sheep and the shoelaces and the Brian Setzer Orchestra, yeah.
Dude: So, because I watched “The Hills,” that made him…
Guy: Yup. Because if you hadn’t watched “The Hills,” you wouldn’t have known who Heidi and Spencer are.
Dude: And they wouldn’t have been on that “I’m a Celebrity” piece of crap…
Guy: And they wouldn’t have been all over the news when they said they were “tortured” on the show.
Dude: So I guess it really is all my fault.
But don’t worry, folks. If you really want to avert the coming disaster, you can do it. All you have to do is make sure I don’t have to hear another word about those two pampered, idiotic, egotistical and utterly useless sacks of human feces.
I love rotting brains
This isn’t a post about me being a zombie, hell-bent on devouring your brains, so don’t worry. Well, it’s not just about me being a zombie, hell-bent on devouring your brains. I mean, I did die once. And the inside of your head is looking pretty succulent.
Anyway…
This is more about the thing that makes brains rot (at least according to Hulu commercials) — TV. And for TV lovers, this is the worst and best and worst-again time of year.
The first worst, of course, is the end of the season. All of our favorite TV shows are going into reruns or, worse still, being replaced by crappy summer reality shows. What is an able-bodied zombie supposed to do with his evenings now that there’s nothing on TV and it’s all pleasant and warm outside? It is a puzzle.
The best is that the networks are doing their “upfronts,” in which they unveil their choices for the next season’s new shows and which shows are coming back. So zombie nerds like me can rejoice that “Dollhouse” and “Chuck” are (improbably) coming back. And new, hopefully awesome stuff like “The Human Target” and “Community” will joining the evening line-ups.
But now it’s also the worst again — shows we love, shows that never really had a chance, are getting cut down in the prime of life. Good-bye “Pushing Daisies.” So long “The Unusuals.” I gave you a chance, but I never really felt like we connected, so I’m not actually that upset that you’re leaving “Terminator: The Sara Conner Chronicles.”
But once this week is over, the upfronts will be done and I’ll go back to being a zombie with too much time on his hands and too little brains dripping down his jowls.
Speaking of…why don’t you take off that hat, baby. Let daddy take a closer look at that hot, throbbing forehead of yours.
Are we dead yet?
I’ve been reading over the State of the State’s Health Report and, uh, I’m kind of worried.
First of all, it’s report card-style, so it doesn’t bode well that we didn’t get a single “A”. And considering there are 30-plus categories, you’d think we’d fall bass ackwards into at least one high mark. I mean, even the dumb kids got an “A” in P.E.
Come on — we actually scored an “F” in “fruit and vegetable consumption.” Seriously? Getting an “A” in “eating greens” is easier than passing a beginner’s geology class at the Learning Annex.
Here, I’ll teach you how it’s done.
Step 1. Buy some fruits and vegetables. They come in cans sometimes or over in that section of the grocery store with the plastic bags and the scales.
Step 2. Eat it.
If we can’t master that, it’s not surprising we’re rocking a “D” in “cancer deaths” and “first-trimester prenatal care.” In fact, could the two be related? Maybe an ad campaign is in order.
“Oklahomans: Eat your vegetables, or you and your baby will die of cancer. Sincerely, everybody.”
The worst part is, aside from how we’re all going to die fat and miserable, is that Oklahoma is known to the rest of the world as an agricultural state. If we were only known for rodeos, I wouldn’t be upset for scoring an “F” in “trampled to death by horses.”
But we grow things, here! Out of the Earth and whatnot.
Apparently, we just haven’t figured out how to eat them.
