Can you have an iPhone and not be an iDouche?
I have seen you, people. I have seen your hats worn purposely askew. I have seen your shirts that look like tattoos. I have seen your hair…oh sweet merciful God, have I seen your hair.
And while I like to think of myself as the kind of guy who judges based on the interior pages of a book — including the glossary and chapter subtitles – and not the book’s cover, that is a lie. When I see you wearing douche-y clothes and douche-y hair, I immediately think you’re a douche.
But what happens when the things I like become hipster d-bag accouterments? Suddenly, I am trapped.
My cell phone plan ends in a few months and the search has begun for a replacement. I was on one of those 12-year plans, so I’m currently rocking an Motorola bag phone, but I’m thinking of upgrading…to an iPhone.
Why? Because I want to check the Internets wherever I am and download applications that make my phone sound like a lightsaber.
The problem is, everytime I go to lunch, there’s a parade of creeps, each on their iPhones. I worry — will an iPhone ruin me? Will I have to buy Affliction clothes? Do I have to do a serious look and throw up a hand sign when someone takes my picture?
Do I have to start tanning?
But then I remember, I know lots of people with iPhones who aren’t douche-tastic. And if they can roll with one of those awesome phones that fits in a pocket and doesn’t require recharging between calls, then so can I.
Still, if you ever see me in a purposefully askew hat or a Flock of Seagulls haircut, do the only honorable, merciful thing and set me on fire. It’s the only way to make sure I don’t pass that douchery on to somebody else.
My On-Going Feud with the Sun
Did you notice that it’s been raining non-stop for the last 40 years? I mean, I drove today in my ark and it suddenly occurred to me — I know I’ve heard of the sun, but I can’t remember ever actually seeing it.
That’s patently ridiculous, of course, it’s just the way it feels. I’ve been waiting weeks and weeks to put a few plants (read: bodies) in the ground and every time it looks like I’m about to get to, the rain starts up again.
That’s why, when I looked out my office window today and saw the sun shining back at me, I realized that this wasn’t mere happenstance. This is personal.
I’m trying to remember what exactly I did to the sun to get this party started. I think it might have been when I used nuclear weapons and a piece of Superman’s hair to create Nuclear Man, but I’m not sure.
Regardless, I’m certain that as soon as I exit the building today, the rain will have returned, just as I know this weekend will bring a blizzard and possible a famine.
The Sun — he plays for keeps.
