It’s time to condense
If ever there was an argument for better health care, it is the state of our pop culture. There is simply too much going on for us to understand and enjoy in one lifetime. Either doctors need to figure out how to keep us alive and lucid for longer, or we need to start putting our brains into robot bodies, a la “Sealab 2021.”
But since Congress is busy screwing up healthcare and scientists are busy coming up with “the new cigarette,” we have to take steps of our own to sort this mess out.
That is why I think we need to condense. Let’s take all of this pop culture ephemera and blend it together — like a smoothie, but useless celebrities and stupid fads in place of yogurt and berries.
For instance, there are vampires everywhere now. There are literally more vampires on TV shows right now than there are high school kids pretending to be vampires.
And with vampires comes all the other MGM movie monsters, so we have to deal with wolfmen and mummies and zombies and Frankenstein’s monsters.
At the same time, we have far too many useless “celebrities” who are famous for a) sex tapes, b) having too many kids and c) being rich and stupid.
I can’t keep up with them all, nor should I have to. So let’s mash the crap out of this stuff and get what we really want — an undead Jon Gosselin with a harem of middle-aged, not-particularly-attractive vampire ladies, while his shrieking ex Kate walks around screaming, “Fire bad! Jon bad! Fire bad Jon!” And, I don’t know, maybe the kids are zombies? They certainly will be soon enough.
Paris Hilton? She should be a mummy. And that’s more for our safety than anything. In fact, let’s wrap all the Kardashians up in bandages, too. If you have a “celebrity” sex tape, you need your brain removed through your nose. (As if most of these people still have brains.)
Tune in next week as I cram together the confusing plotlines of “Lost,” “Flashforward” and “The Sopranos” with the Washington political elite!
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