Don’t Be Famous
Michael Jackson. Steve McNair. Karl Malden.
These famous people are all dead. And what can their deaths teach us? Don’t have radical plastic surgery and then spend years eating nothing but narcotics-grade horse tranqs? Don’t have a crazy mistress? Don’t get old?
No. Those are lessons you learn from your parents.
The real thing to learn from this trio and the legion of minor-to-mid-level stars who have passed away recently is this: Don’t Be Famous.
Think of every famous person you’ve ever heard of. Guess what? They’re all dead. Yeah. And you’re killing them just by knowing who they are.
As a science-fabulist, I can tell you that awareness emits a toxin that is both photo- and aural-sensitive. When we know of celebrities, we force their brains to release this toxin. The more people who know about them, the more the toxin gets into their system.
Alone this is bad news, but when combined with other symptoms of fame — excessive picture taking, screaming fans — suddenly, the toxin becomes deadly.
Ever wonder why famous writers live so much longer than famous actors or sports stars? It’s because they only get their picture taken once for the book jacket. Plus, the only screaming they hear comes not from fans, but from dissatisfied spouses.
Of course there are a few celebs who are immune. Paris Hilton has miraculously survived, as have Heidi and Spencer. There’s a theory in the science-fabulist community that being well-known but loathed provides a blood-brain barrier to the toxin. That also explains Kobe Bryant.
So what can you do? For your own safety, remain as un-famous as possible. If you do gain some small measure of fame, do like Joe the Plumber and be as annoying and unloved as possible.
And for the celebrities you do love, the best thing you can do is to stop loving them. Stop watching TMZ. Stop buying OK! magazine. It’s the only way to keep old what’s-her-name and that one dude from dying. You know who I’m talking about.
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