I love rotting brains
This isn’t a post about me being a zombie, hell-bent on devouring your brains, so don’t worry. Well, it’s not just about me being a zombie, hell-bent on devouring your brains. I mean, I did die once. And the inside of your head is looking pretty succulent.
Anyway…
This is more about the thing that makes brains rot (at least according to Hulu commercials) — TV. And for TV lovers, this is the worst and best and worst-again time of year.
The first worst, of course, is the end of the season. All of our favorite TV shows are going into reruns or, worse still, being replaced by crappy summer reality shows. What is an able-bodied zombie supposed to do with his evenings now that there’s nothing on TV and it’s all pleasant and warm outside? It is a puzzle.
The best is that the networks are doing their “upfronts,” in which they unveil their choices for the next season’s new shows and which shows are coming back. So zombie nerds like me can rejoice that “Dollhouse” and “Chuck” are (improbably) coming back. And new, hopefully awesome stuff like “The Human Target” and “Community” will joining the evening line-ups.
But now it’s also the worst again — shows we love, shows that never really had a chance, are getting cut down in the prime of life. Good-bye “Pushing Daisies.” So long “The Unusuals.” I gave you a chance, but I never really felt like we connected, so I’m not actually that upset that you’re leaving “Terminator: The Sara Conner Chronicles.”
But once this week is over, the upfronts will be done and I’ll go back to being a zombie with too much time on his hands and too little brains dripping down his jowls.
Speaking of…why don’t you take off that hat, baby. Let daddy take a closer look at that hot, throbbing forehead of yours.
My On-Going Feud with the Sun
Did you notice that it’s been raining non-stop for the last 40 years? I mean, I drove today in my ark and it suddenly occurred to me — I know I’ve heard of the sun, but I can’t remember ever actually seeing it.
That’s patently ridiculous, of course, it’s just the way it feels. I’ve been waiting weeks and weeks to put a few plants (read: bodies) in the ground and every time it looks like I’m about to get to, the rain starts up again.
That’s why, when I looked out my office window today and saw the sun shining back at me, I realized that this wasn’t mere happenstance. This is personal.
I’m trying to remember what exactly I did to the sun to get this party started. I think it might have been when I used nuclear weapons and a piece of Superman’s hair to create Nuclear Man, but I’m not sure.
Regardless, I’m certain that as soon as I exit the building today, the rain will have returned, just as I know this weekend will bring a blizzard and possible a famine.
The Sun — he plays for keeps.
Are we dead yet?
I’ve been reading over the State of the State’s Health Report and, uh, I’m kind of worried.
First of all, it’s report card-style, so it doesn’t bode well that we didn’t get a single “A”. And considering there are 30-plus categories, you’d think we’d fall bass ackwards into at least one high mark. I mean, even the dumb kids got an “A” in P.E.
Come on — we actually scored an “F” in “fruit and vegetable consumption.” Seriously? Getting an “A” in “eating greens” is easier than passing a beginner’s geology class at the Learning Annex.
Here, I’ll teach you how it’s done.
Step 1. Buy some fruits and vegetables. They come in cans sometimes or over in that section of the grocery store with the plastic bags and the scales.
Step 2. Eat it.
If we can’t master that, it’s not surprising we’re rocking a “D” in “cancer deaths” and “first-trimester prenatal care.” In fact, could the two be related? Maybe an ad campaign is in order.
“Oklahomans: Eat your vegetables, or you and your baby will die of cancer. Sincerely, everybody.”
The worst part is, aside from how we’re all going to die fat and miserable, is that Oklahoma is known to the rest of the world as an agricultural state. If we were only known for rodeos, I wouldn’t be upset for scoring an “F” in “trampled to death by horses.”
But we grow things, here! Out of the Earth and whatnot.
Apparently, we just haven’t figured out how to eat them.
