Who’s Encouraging Whom?
I was invited to speak at a cancer survivor’s conference last weekend in Houston. It was the “Living Fully With, Through, and Beyond Cancer” conference, put on by M.D. Anderson Cancer Center and the Anderson Network. I was a breakout session leader amidst a group of well-credentialed speakers, most of whom had ”M.D.” following their names.
My topic? Writing Through the Hard Times. I spoke about how my cancer memoir (”I Survived Cancer but Never Won the Tour de France“) came to be written and how I was able to get it published despite many obstacles. I also shared some poetry from my books and spoke about the stories behind a lot of my health-related poems.
My goal was to encourage the audience. For I was well aware that when a person gets cancer, he or she is confronted by the reality of their mortality. They often become reflective about life, and, as a result, so many want to share their stories. So I hoped to encourage them to share those stories in whatever way they could, through writing or otherwise.
My talk was well received, but as it so often happens, I was the one who found myself being encouraged. For part of my talk involved telling the audience about my current situation, my stage four cancer and poor prognosis.
Person after person approached me in the hours after my talk. They told me stories of how they had been told they had weeks to live, but were still here years later. They told me about all of their surgeries, chemo sessions, and experimental treatments, and many of them had been at it a lot longer than me.
“Never give up,” they would say, smiling, with wisdom and tears in their eyes.
It had been a difficult week, to put it mildly, another doozy in the annals of a crappy year. I had entered the conference hoping and praying that I could just hold it all together. But by sharing my story and listening to theirs, I found enough strength to make it through once again.
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Comments
Jim, thank you for participating in the conference and thanks so much for your honesty, it is inspiring and makes me want to get up and go to work at M. D. Anderson every day of my life. You are in my prayers.
Jim, you don’t know me but do you know me. We met briefly at this cancer conference. I didn’t get to attend your breakout session because, as a volunteer I had many tasks and introductions to do. Thanks so much for writing about being there and thanks more for sharing how we also gave you strength. That’s what I’ve learned too. If you give, you receive more than you ever gave, especially when it’s about people overcoming or succumbing to cancer.
August 2009 was a significant anniversary and birthday for me. It marked the 21st year since I lost my mother to breast cancer, and 15 years since I had my cancer diagnosis and double mastectomy. It was 15 years ago that I looked down at the scars and welcomed my new young “booby twins” to the world! I, too, was one of those who were told I could be dead in a year. In fact, after treatments I was told I had to live 10 years without a recurrence or metastasis to be considered as having “no evidence of cancer,” as they said in those days. But here I am today a survivor of 2 additional cancers, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Diabetes, and several other illnesses.
Just as I’d get some hope that I might have made it through…I got another devastating jail sentence. For fifteen years, I’ve lived my life for health insurance and pokes and prods and lab tests and scans and more and more bad news and of course, my impending death. I’ve gone through my life savings, lost my career, let alone my job. I have nothing but little trinkets of things that revive my spirit now and then. I’ve spend days and hours working, volunteering, giving, giving and giving because it feels good, not only to give to others, but to receive their hopefulness.
A year ago, you’re not going to believe what I’m about to say, I was devastated and even angry when one of my oncologists declared me “spontaneously healed.” That’s right. I was devastated! My self-talk was, “I’m going to live! Now what the F_ _ _ do I do?” No savings; too “healthy” to qualify for disability; too young for social security; too tired of it all to start over again. “Now what the heck do I do?”
All those years, fighting cancer and death, I challenged myself to living by giving back–by finding out what the lesson in all this could be for me. And now, when I finally have hope, I’m devastated and confused. I had pounded into head that cultivating an attitude of gratitude (a little whining and wining helped, of course) and paying it forward and being the best I could be and giving back to those who had given so much to me while I was in treatment, just went down the toilet! I was immersed in anger! How do I even begin again? No home…no job, not wanting a job…not wanting to be around people who made me feel bad, not wanted to waste any time in an unhealthy environment or waste my time with stupid people, but not realizing I was no longer in prison.
So I robotically continued my life while my insides were upside down with anger. I kept volunteering for cancer causes, etc. I kept doing my one-on-one support. Slowly an idea ,a new way of looking at the new me and my possible new life began to unfold.
Finally it dawned on me that I am no longer captive. I am FREE! After 15 years, the “booby twins” and I have graduated with a doctorate in cancer survival and are ridding ourselves of 15 years of a living death. We are about to embark on big changes and new things. Often, after rejuvenating experiences, we’ll come back to Texas for a multitude of annual check-ups and to give and to get from the annual Living With, Through and Beyond Cancer conference. Thank you for writing about your experience. It gave me clarity to write, for the first time, about my magnificent new life to be! And to really and truly live the “attitude of gratitude” walk.
A new person and new life is just around the corner. And when the “booby twins” have their 16th birthday, we’ll celebrate in solitude. Their mom probably won’t let them out for the party, even though she has been known to expose them on special occasions. Keep your sense of humor. Stay receptive and sensitive to others cancer journeys and you will surely benefit. Whatever you do, nurture an attitude of gratitude for every moment of everyday. Thank you for your words, wisdom and message and see you next year. I am your sister.
Jim,
We suvivors can truely understand the road that you find
yourself walking, that is why everyone was so moved It was my privilege to get to know you during your session. Thank you for your honesty and as I know it was difficult to share. Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.
Terry
Jim, I was not able to be in your session but had the pleasure to talk with you after the Friday night dinner. Your hard choices have given you life. I look forward to reading your book and hope you also share your poems. You are enriching others with your story of survival. I hope you continue the chapters………..
Jim, Not only am I encouraged by your words,….but also all the awesome people that commented. Such wonderful people.
Thanks so much for coming to the conference, Jim, and for writing this.