A Slippery Slope
I’ve been struggling during the last few weeks to regain my strength and “feel good.”
Normally, chemo knocks me down for three or four days and I’m ”dead in bed,” trying to eat and drink and get my energy back. This is followed by a couple of so-so days, when I’ll feel good for stretches, then suddenly bad. But after that, I normally start feeling pretty good again.
Eight good days, two so-so days, four bad days. That’s been the normal routine.
Not the greatest way to live, but doable. More good days than bad, after all.
After the radiation procedure last month, however, my energy was noticeably down. The radiation would remain in me and be detectable for thirty days, which means it only ended yesterday. And radiation does have this way of sapping one’s energy. Plus, during this time I’ve had chemo twice.
As a result, I’ve only had about six or seven good days during the last thirty, less than one good week out of the last month.
The hope, of course, is that this is a temporary setback; that we did the radiation procedure, sirtex, with the hope that it would buy me more time. Good time. I’ll find out the answer to that question next week when I’m in Houston.
But it has given me a rather scary glimpse into my possible future. That is, what it’s like when a terminally ill patient crosses over that slippery slope of hope and begins having more bad days than good.
Can’t say I’m a big fan.
Truth is, it’s much easier to keep a positive attitude when you’re still having more good days than bad. It’s definitely worth it, to trade four bad days for eight good ones and a couple of in betweens. But when you start trading three bad days for one good day, yikes!
I catch myself talking about how crappy I feel all the time. (No one likes being around people like that.) Rather than tackling some projects that need some resolution, I find myself in a chair watching bad TV. Instead of writing, one of my very favorite things to do, I procrastinate or curl up in bed.
Anyway, I’m now thirty one days outside of radiation, and three days past chemo. In a couple of days, I hope to be feeling good again. Just in time to head to Houston for big news.
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Comments
Glad to hear you are past the rough days, and are feeling better. Missed your posts. Take care and keep us updated on how your trip to Houston goes.
Thinking about you and LeAnn a lot. Hoping and praying for good days and good news ahead! Lots of love, Rachel
Have to agree a big relief to hear from you. I check the blog often but always continue in prayer. Curt saw Susan and Paul at Fallscreek last week with the twins and he said that he checked the blog as well. (Hi Scott if you see this) So sad about the harder days. Lots of love, Sally
Nice to see you back. I was worried that you were in a bad spot, sorry to hear that that was correct. Fingers crossed that you have turned a corner now and am really praying for good news next week.
I was starting to get worried. Glad to hear from you again. Hang in there. I’ll send my wishes that your Houston trip will bring good news. Thanks for sharing. You help me. Ross
Terry and I have been worried about you. We check your blogs often and got concerned when you had not posted in awhile. Wish we could have seen you last weekend in Bartlesville; but we had a scheduling conflict. We happen to be in Houston today because Terry is visiting some job sites. I came with Terry so that I could visit my brother and his family who live here. I am sending good thoughts your way (hoping the closer proximity will expand the good karma) and hoping for more good news for you and your family. We continue to need your unique thoughts on life and such to keep us focused on what is important in our lives. Much love, Anne and Terry
Giant sigh of relief to see you blogging again……been on that slippery slope and found it useful to imagine gliding onto a glassy frozen pond. Still slippery, still uncertain, still hurts when you fall…. but not quite as much of a downhill view. Hope you have some good moments today. Thanks for taking the energy to let us know how you are doing.