New words for courage
When I see the word courage, I always think of 6 words – brave in the face of danger, but from this day forward, I will think of 6 different words – Jim, LeAnn, Maddye and Ford Chastain.
I read the April 19th Sunday Oklahoman’s front page storyby staff writer Ken Raymond and wondered if the Chastain family really understood what they were signing on for when they agreed to let us follow their experience of living with terminal cancer.
What I want to say to them is “You are incredibly courageous. Courage does not mean the absence of fear, it means choosing to live in the midst of it, and I marvel at the way you are trying to live normal lives – when the definition of normal for you has changed. ”
Try as this family might to put this aside and forget it is really happening, that isn’t possible. Everything they do gets heightened – even normal adolescent quarrels with parents and siblings - and then to have it on the front page of the Oklahoman for all the world to read – takes guts.
Thank you is not nearly adequate to express to them what I want to say, but it’s all I’ve got.
* Thank you for allowing us to look over your shoulder while you take this very personal journey through terminal cancer.
* Thank you for helping every family with teenagers understand that when they experience exactly what you are experiencing, fights are normal even in a close knit and loving family.
*Thank you to LeAnn and Jim and Maddye and Ford for demonstrating how that automatic stress reaction looks when we feel trapped – fight or flight.
Some people want to fight – LeAnn and Maddye are terrified and furious there is nothing they can do to stop it and if you get in their way, don’t misunderstand the anger that lashes out.
Some people want to flee – Jim and Ford are feeling afraid and helpless and they shut down, withdraw, and get quiet, which is what I did when my husband and I were in the last weeks of his battle with cancer.
The feeling was I wanted to run away. I can remember how guilty I felt because I was feeling that way, but now I understand those “feelings” don’t mean a thing, they are simply the body’s way of trying to offer protection.
*Thank you on behalf of all the families who have yet to walk through this experience. Your openness and honesty will help them to understand their own feelings and behaviors as normal – under the circumstances – and they won’t have to feel so guilty as they might have before you allowed us to intrude on your pain.
I read somewhere that courage is that little voice inside saying I will try again tomorrow. Today, the Chastains are the most courageous people I know and what I know about them is that tomorrow they will get up, shower, dress and face the day again.
My heart is full of gratitude and admiration for them all.
April 16, 7:00 p.m. Baptist Medical Center – HOW TO BE WITH A LOVED ONE WHOSE LIFE IS ENDING
Speaking and reading about the dying experience is not morbid, rather it will teach you how to live with care and appreciation.
For simple, useful, concrete suggestions to use when that time comes, join me on Thursday evening, April 16, 7:00 p.m.at the Baptist Medical Center’s James L. Henry auditorium to hear Megory Anderson.
Anderson is a theologian, author, educator, liturgist and Executive Director of the nonprofit SACRED DYING FOUNDATION in San Franciso.
Her presentation will not be about mourning and how to handle grief, it will not be about the mythology of death or funeral planning. Rather, she will teach us how to be with a dying loved one, how to provide them with something more than pat answers and how to make it a meaningful experience.
We will learn how to use a variety of things, such as music, rituals, poetry or prayer that have been an important part of the person’s life experiences.
To make reservations, call the INTEGRIS HealthLine at 951-2277.
A WORD TO THE DYING IN THE WORDS OF POETS – AND OTHERS
Poets – and others – often express for us those words and feelings held inside that we have trouble voicing.
If you are entering the dying experience, following are 14 things for you to consider that may help you, and also those who love you.
1.DYING IS SOMETHING WE ALL WILL DO.
Teach me your mood, O patient stars! Who climb each night the ancient sky, Leaving in space no shade, no scars, No trace of age, no fear to die. RALPH WALDO EMERSON.
For the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me. i am not at ease, nor am I quiet. THE BOOK OF JOB
Dear God, be good to me. The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small. BRETON FISHERMAN’S PRAYER
To begin depriving death its greatest advantage over us, let us adopt a way contrary to that common one, let us deprive death of its strangeness, let us frequent it, let us get used to it. MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE
If you want to die happily, learn to live.
If you want to live happily, learn to die.
LATIN PROVERB
2. BE WHO YOU ARE
Nature never repeats herself and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another. ELIZABETH CADY STANTON
I’ll walk where my own nature would be leading; it vexes me to choose another guide. EMILY BRONTE
For an impenetrable shield, stand inside yourself. HENRY DAVID THOREAU
To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON
3. FEEL ANY AND ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS.
Seeing is believing, but feeling is God’s own truth. IRISH PROVERB
Be at peace with your own soul. Enter eagerly into the treasure house that is inside you. The ladder leading to the Kingdom is hidden within your soul. Dive into yourself, and in your soul you will discover the stairs by which to ascend. ISSAC OF NINEVAH
Below the surface-stream, shallow and light, Of what we say we feel – below the stream, A light, of what we think we feel – there flows with noiseless current strong, obscure and deep, The central stream of what we feel indeed. MATTHEW ARNOLD
Rich tears! What power lies in those falling drops. MARY DELARIVIER MANLEY
You are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full. MARCEL PROUST
4. LET YOUR FEELINGS OUT.
What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. JEWISH PROVERB
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the oe’r fraught heart and bids it break. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
It takes two to speak the truth – one to speak, and another to hear. HENRY DAVID THOREAU
He speaketh not; and yet there lies a conversation in his eyes. HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
The best prayers often have more groans than words. JOHN BUNYAN
Out of the deep I have called to you, O Lord: Lord, hear my voice. PSALM 130
5. MAKE YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS KNOWN.
We want people to feel with us more than act for us. GEORGE ELIOT (MARY ANN EVANS)
Shared joy is double joy and shared sorrow is half-sorrow. SWEDISH PROVERB
Let those who have need of more ask for it humbly. And let those who have need of less thank God.
SAINT BENEDICT
The fragrance always remains in the hand that gives the rose. MAHATMA GHANDI
6. LET WHOEVER IS CLOSE TO YOU TAKE THIS JOURNEY WITH YOU.
Good company is a good coach.
JOHN CLARKE
We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world. And the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend. ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON
It brings comfort and encouragement to have companions in whatever happens. DIO CHRYSOTOM
Bless to me, O God the earth beneath my feet. Bless to me, O God, the path whereon I go. Bless to me, O God, the people whom I meet, today, tonight, and tomorrow. CELTIC BLESSING
After you had taken your leave, I found God’s footprints on my floor. RABINDRANATH TAGORE
7. ASSERT YOUR RIGHT TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. HELEN KELLER
Do not be too timid or squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Of all paths a man could strike into, there is, at any given moment, a best path which, here and now, it were of all things wisest for him to do. To find this path and walk in it, is the one thing needful for him. THOMAS CARLYLE
Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth. KATHERINE MANSFIELD (nearing her own death).
8. EMBRACE THAT WHICH PROMOTES YOUR OWN WELL-BEING AND GROWTH.
A day is lost if one has not laughed. FRENCH PROVERB
A life without festivities is a long road without inns. DEMOCRITUS
Come, let us give a little time to folly, and even in a melancholy day, let us find time for an hour of pleasure. SAINT BONAVENTURA
I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Die when I may, I want it said of me by those who knew me best, that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow. ABRAHAM LINCOLN
9. LET GO OF THAT WHICH BLOCKS YOUR WELL-BEING AND GROWTH.
Remember that you have only one soul; that you have only one death to die; that you have only one life, which is short and has to be lived by you alone;and there is only one glory, which is eternal. If you do this, there will be many things about which you care nothing.
TERESA OF AVILA
We must, strictly speaking, at every moment give each other up and let each other go and not hold each other back. RAINIER MARIA RILKE
May I tell you why it seems to me a good thing for us to remember wrong that has been done to us? That we may forgive it. CHARLES DICKENS
10. TELL YOUR STORY
What was hard to bear is sweet to remember. PORTUGUESE PROVERB
Some memories are realities, and are better than anything than anything that can ever happen to me again. WILLA CATHER
A good story is medicine to my bones. ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I shall remember while the light lives yet and in the night time I shall not forget. ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE
Childhood has no forebodings, but then it is soothed by no memories of outlived sorrow. GEORGE ELIOT (MARY ANN EVANS)
11.DECIDE WHAT YOU YET WANT TO DO,
THEN DO IT.
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that’s the stuff life is made of. BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Be living, not dying. LAO TZU
Not life, but good life, is to be chiefly valued. SOCRATES
Do you know that disease and death must needs overtake us, no matter what
we are doing? What do you wish to be doing when it overtakes you? If you have anything better to be doing when you are so overtaken, get to work on that. EPICTETUS
If I knew the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I would still go out and plant my three apple trees today. MARTIN LUTHER
12. NURTURE YOURSELF SPIRITUALLY.
One cannot die hidden from God. ITALIAN PROVERB
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. ALBERT EINSTEIN
Lord, one day I will live with you where you are. May you live with me where I am now. JOHN MASON NEALE
May the Great Mystery make sunrise in your heart. SIOUX PRAYER
What is it that dwelleth here I know not, yet my heart is full of awe and the tears trickle down. SAIGYO
13. DARE TO HOPE
Hope is patience with the lamp lit. TERTULLIAN
There never was night that had no morn. DINAH MULOCK CRAIG
When God shuts a door, God opens a window. JOHN RUSKIN
A death blow is a life blow to some who till they died, did not alive become;
Who had they lived, had died but when they died, Vitality begun. EMILY DICKINSON
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills before you will burst into song, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. THE BOOK OF ISAIAH
14. WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH WHAT YOU NOW KNOW?
Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; It is not a thing to be waited for, It is a thing to be achieved. WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN
Wherever your life ends, it is all there. The advantage of living is not measured by length, but by use; some people have lived long and lived little; attend to it while you are in it. It lies in your will, not in the number of years, for you have lived enough. MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Grant me patience with the things that take time, tolerance of the struggles of others that may be different from my own, appreciation for all I have, and the willingness to get up and try again, one day at a time. THE SERENITY PRAYER
There is nothing I can give you which you do not have. But there is much, very much, that while I cannot give it, you can take. No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in today. Take heaven! No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in the present instant. Take peace!
The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within reach, is joy. There is a radiance and Glory in the darkness, could we but see, and to see, we have only to look. I beseech you to look. FRA GIOVANNI
13. DARE TO HOPE
Hope is patience with the lamp lit. TERTULLIAN
There never was night that had no morn. DINAH MULOCK CRAIG
When God shuts a door, God opens a window. JOHN RUSKIN
A death blow is a life blow to some who till they died, did not alive become;
Who had they lived, had died but when they died, Vitality begun. EMILY DICKINSON
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills before you will burst into song, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. THE BOOK OF ISAIAH
High Stress – Good Self Care
When a family is in a period of heightened stress, such as living with a critical illness, good self care is important. The following are some suggestions that will help.
- Pay attention to what you are eating. Avoid a diet high in alcohol, sugar, caffeine and/or artificial and heavily preserved foods.
- Eat smaller, more frequent meals. Instead of loading your body with three large meals, try eating six smaller meals a day, which gives you a steady supply of nourishment and energy.
- Practice relaxation techniques. Find what works best for you, like meditation, yoga, prayer or exercise.
- Get plenty of rest. Rest is just as important to the body as food and water.
- Get an adequate supply of B Vitamins. They’re often called the “anti-stress vitamins” because they’re rapidly depleted when your body is under stress for a long period of time.
- Remember to keep a sense of humor. Share your favorite jokes, watch a good comedy and always try to remember that laughter really is the best medicine. Laughter simply gives you a break - like having recess.
“Palliative” – a new word for love
An Oklahoma woman who has devoted much of her professional life to end of life issues is Linda Edmondson. She has spoken across the state, written articles for magazines and newspapers and worked for many years with the Oklahoma Aliance for Better Care of the Dying.
Linda calls palliative care, a new word for love. I am using this space to share with you some of her thoughts on this subject because any family who knows they are facing the end of someone’s life is wise to consider it.
Palliative care focuses on relieving or reducing symtoms of a life-limiting or life-threatening illness. The most important part of that for many people is pain managment. With improved medical knowledge and techniques, people no longer have to suffer when in the last stages of an advanced illness. Not only does it relieve pain, it helps with loss of appetite, nausea, weakness, shortness of breath, bowel and bladder problems.
In addition to physical needs, palliative care also addresses psychological, social and spiritual needs, which are equally important at the end of life. By treating all of these needs, the family members, as well as the one dying , are able to attend to the personal unfinished business of their lives.
In one of her columns, published in the Oklahoman in 2002, she tells the story of the widow of a physician who spoke of her husband’s last days and the palliative care their family received.
The lady recognized the hospice physician, nurse and social worker who took care of all the “things that got in the way – the medical equipment and the pain control and the insurance company.” With those things taken care of and with the help of a chaplain, her husband spent his remaining time and energy in a spiritual journey toward peace and acceptance.
Palliative care is appropriate for anyone with an active, progressive and life-limiting illness. It can be provided at home, in a hospital or at a nursing home. If you want to know more about it, ask your physican or other health care professional or contact one of the many Hospice organizations in our state.
Linda Edmondson says, “When we enter this world, we are surrounded by love, comfort and care. Don’t we deserve the same when we leave?”
Many Ways to Help
A young girl was late getting home from school one afternoon and her mother began to worry. She called several of her daughter’s friends, but she was not at any of their houses. As her concern grew, she made one more trip outside to look for her when she saw her coming down the street.
Instead of greeting her daughter warmly and telling her how relieved she was to see her, she did what mothers often do when they are afraid – she scolded her. “Where have you been” Why didn’t you call? Didn’t you know I would be worried about you?”
The little girl explained that while walking down the street, she saw her friend Sally sitting on the curb crying because she’d broken her doll and she stopped to help her.
The mother’s frown turned to a soft smile and she said, “Oh, so you helped her fix her doll.” “No,” replied the girl, “I couldn’t fix her doll and so I sat down and I helped her cry.”
Sometimes there is someone we love with cancer and it can’t be fixed, but sitting beside them and helping them cry is a good thing to do.
When it can’t be Fixed
A young girl was late getting home from school one day and her mother had begun to worry. She called some of her daughter’s friends, but no one had seen her. The mother was becoming concerned and she made one more trip outside to look for her daughter when she saw her coming down the street.
Instead of embracing her warmly and telling her how glad she was to see her, she did what mothers often do when they are afraid – she scolded her, “Where have you been? Why didn’t you call? Didn’t you know I’d be worried about you?”
The young girl explained, “As I was walking home, I saw Sally sitting by the curb crying because she had broken her doll and I stopped to help her.”
The mother ’s frown turned to a soft smile and she said, “Oh, so you helped her fix her doll?”
“No,” said the little girl, “I couldn’t fix her doll, so I sat down and I helped her cry.”
When a friend or family member has something broken that we can’t fix, sitting beside them and helping them cry is a good thing to do.
JUST LISTEN
I love the story my friend Doug Manning tells about pastoring a Baptist Church in Tulsa many years ago and being friends with Oral Roberts. They would often meet at sporting events and while they were friends, they had very different ideas of ministry. Doug used to tell Oral, “The difference is you like to lay hands on people and I like to lay ears on them. ”
Are you good at “laying ears” on people? The most basic and powerful way to connect with any person is simply to listen. Put away any distraction. Be present not only with your body, but with your eyes and ears and just listen.
Cancer patients particularly appreciate this. They are experiencing a multitude of feelings – anger, fear, disbelief, hopelessnes. Random thoughts are coursing through their minds - remission, suffering, hospice, death? Their whole world has been turned upside down.
If you will be quiet and present and truly interested, they may tell you what it is like - and there’s nothing to do but simply receive them and care about them, without feeling a need to give advice or tell your own stories.
When someone is in pain, saying “I’m so sorry,” and meaning it is enough.
Months, Not Years
None of us know how much time we have, and so these suggestions are food for thought for anyone, but especially if you’ve been told you have months, not years to live.
Following are some thoughts to guide you through the days ahead. The suggestions come from James E. Miller’s little book, WHEN YOU KNOW YOU’RE DYING. To read it in depth, it can be ordered by any bookstore or directly from Willogreen Publishers.
*BE WHO YOU ARE. You are still the same person you’ve always been. You have the same personality, the same idiosyncrasies, the same likes and dislikes, the same memories.
You are more than your illness. While the disease seems to have taken center stage – doctors study it, measure it, treat it and talk about it and family and friends want to know the details – do not let your disease define you.
You are more than your body. While everyone may concentrate on what’s happening to you physically, you always want to stay in touch with your mind, your heart and your soul.
Understand people may treat you differently, either consciously or unconsciously, and their acting that way is about them.
* FEEL ANY AND ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS. You may not have all the following feelings, but it will be common to have many of them - fear of what will happen before you die and after you die, fear of pain or disgurement or abandonment. You may become listless and depressed, shocked or confused, anxious or panicky, helpless or lonely. You may feel hurt or angry or even enraged, guilty or ashamed and envious of others. There may also be relief, love, wonder, pride, even joy.
Your feelings will be unpredictable and are likely to be intense. You will grieve. The losses you are facing are immense – health, family, home, work, security, relationships.
You have permission to feel whatever you feel. Verbally or nonverbally, people may ask you to hide or deny your feelings because they are uncomfortable, not because they don’t care, so find those people who really understand you and can allow you to be real with them. Support groups are helpful to many.
Remember feelings are neither right nor wrong, but simply a sign that you care deeply, that you value life and love and that you are taking seriously what is happening to you.
* MAKE YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS KNOWN. You may not want to appear weak or to inconvenience others or you may feel selfish and it may take special effort to allow yourself to depend on others, but that’s one of the tasks before you.
Needs may be physical, emotional, social – sometimes desiring company and sometimes needing to be alone. There may be spiritual needs and environmental needs and your needs will change – what you desire one day, you won’t the next.
Others cannot know automatically what you need – they’ve never been where you are and they are not you, so you must tell them- simply, directly and honestly.
Remember you are not the only one who feels helpless, so in meeting your needs, they can meet their needs as well.
* LET WHOEVER IS CLOSE TO YOU TAKE THIS JOURNEY WITH YOU. You need not travel alone and you will discover who can go with you – family members or a family of the heart. You may have a large group and you may have only 1 or 2 – there is no right number, it is entirely up to you. Time is limited so don’t try to spread yourself too thin.
Different people will meet different needs. When you’re lonely, someone can give a reassuring touch. When afraid, a comforting embrace. When feeling down, a sign that someone cares. If you want to give up, a reminder of how you’ve persevered before and where your strength lies today. Someone else may help you sort through your questions and another can give confirmation that your life has mattered and you will not be forgotten.
Others will need you, too – to spend time, to say things they haven’t said, to rectify a situation or share memories.
Make your end of life decisions. Do it while you are still alert – financial decisions, a will, the disposition of your body, a funeral or memorial service, advance medical directives, a living will. Notarized copies need to be given to your physicians, the hospital and close family members.
*EMBRACE THAT WHICH PROMOTES YOUR WELL-BEING AND GROWTH. Now is not the time to delay your satisfactions. It is time to live to the full, whatever that means for you. Ponder the following questions: What makes you happy? What soothes you? What energizes you? What makes you laugh? What nourishes you? What gives your days meaning? What inspires you? Who loves you?
*LET GO OF THAT WHICH BLOCKS YOUR WELL-BEING AND GROWH. Discarding a bad habit or a destrucive behavior, releasing yourself from an unncessary obligation or making peace with yourself.
You may want to let go of certain people who drag you down, who are bitter or belittling or hostile. This is not the time for you to try to take care of everyone else’s feelings and needs. It is dangerous and impossible. Everyone must take responsibility for themselves.
This is also a good time for forgiveness – to ask another’ s forgiveness or to forgive yourself or someone else.
* TELL YOUR STORY. Your life has had high points and low ones, periods of excitement and strange twists of fate. You know things no one else knows, you remember things other have long forgotten. Reminisce. Preserve your memories. Organize and share your thoughts. What are your beliefs? Your most important lessons learned? What would you do differently? What would you never change? What would you like your grandchildren to know about you?
* DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, THEN DO IT. How do you want to spend the days you have? Make a dream come true, visit a place you’ve always wanted to go, leave a legacy that will survive you.
Don’t let your life become too hectic. Pace yourself. Stay flexible. Be gentle with yourself. Stay in the present. Breathe deeply. See vividly. Touch lovingly. Concentrate on being ever bit as much as on doing. Live your dying – with gusto, with your heart flung open and your arms spread wide. Live as though there no tomorrow, and then tomorrow, live that way again.
*NURTURE YOURSELF SPIRITUALLY. Set aside time, let others know of your intention. Quiet helps. You may turn to formal religious practices or choose other ways. Do what works best for you. While all your questions may not all have answers, you may find they don’t have to.
* DARE TO HOPE. If you’re concerned about physical discomfort as the days unfold, discuss pain managment control with your caregivers. You may hope to maintain your dignity as best you can, hopes about where you will spend your closing days, hope to live for a long, long time - sometimes that happens. You may hope this will be a time of healing relationships or inner healing – release from past deeds or old wounds, painful inadequacies or hurtful thoughts or achieving inner peace and outer calm.
The poet Rabindranath Tagore once composed these words: Let your life lightly dance on the edges of time like dew on the tip of a leaf.
Author James Miller writes: Let your life dance lightly on the edge of this time and on the edge of the time to come. Let it dance lightly with those you love and with those who love you, and with all those who have ever loved you. Let it dance as long as it will and wherever it will and in the way that it will. Let your life lightly dance for all to see today and for all to remember tomorrow.
May your dance be the dance of a lifetime. And beyond.
One you Love is Dying: 6 More Things to Remember
7. The one who is dying needs you to reach out. They may hesitate to voice their deepest thoughts and feelings. They don’t want to upset others. Caregivers do the same thing and so everyone tiptoes carefully through conversations. What happens is both the dying person and those around him or her begin to feel isolated and lonely.
* Connect by talking. Speak as an equal. Say what you think. Express what you feel, but don’t push them. If tears come that is good because it is a sign you care and you wish this wasn’t happening. Be honest. Talk simply. Avoid secrets.
* Connect by listening. Real listening takes work, but it is the greatest gift you can offer. Listen without interupting, judging or shying away.
* Connect by encouraging memories. This helps the dying person make sense of their time on earth. They want to feel their life mattered and their influence will not be forgotten. Leaf through scrapbooks and old letters with them. Look at pictures, tell and re-tell favorites stories.
* Connect by touching. Hold their hand or touch their arm or shoulder or head. Stroke them, massage them, hug them. Touching lets them know you are with them in every way possible. Even when they can no longer speak, speak to them with soothing words or a gentle caress.
* Connect by just being present. Sometimes the most thoughtful way to reach out is by not saying anything or doing anything. By sitting or working quietly in the same room, you are communicating “I enjoy being with you.” “Iam right here. I care.” The dying one wants to know they are not alone. It’s up to you to tell them in as many ways as you can.
8. Your relationship will change as you go. Too much will be changing around you for a change not to occur.
* A special closeness may develop by addressing problems that have separated you or speaking words of appreciation or love you haven’t spoken in a while, if ever.
* The dying person will probably depend on you more. While it’s important not to take from them their power or freedom, they may come to count on you in ways they have not in the past. They may need more physical assitance or emotional support, help with planning or taking over for them in various ways.
* Eventually the dying person will begin to withdraw. They will start to turn inward and pull back, want to see fewer people, desire more quietness. This does not mean they are negating your relationship. They are not withdrawing from you personally so much as from life itself. They know you cannot go where they’re going and they’re doing what they must.
* The one who’s dying will want to know you’re with them to the end. Even as they pull away, they will want to feel they’re cared for and they have your blessing to go. It may help them to hear those very words. It may help you to say them. They will sense you’re with them when you whisper your love, promise your remembrance, hold them with tenderness, honor them with tears.
9. Making important decisions early can head off significant problems later. While you do not want to rush them to make decisions because it takes a while for the reality of what is happening to set in, you will benefit from handling them as early as possible, while their thinking is still clear and before others are forced to make decisions for them without adequate information.
Decisions to be made:
*How the person wants to live and die. Execute a living will.
*Whether they want a burial, cremation or their body donated to science.
* Where and when a funeral or memorial service will take place. Who will speak? Any special readings or music?
* Preparing a will and giving instructions about one’s assets and family matters.
10. Know this is a natural time for inner searching. People who know they’re dying often become more reflective, pose questions that are hard to answer, worry about what will happen after they die, and talk more about spiritual experiences. Chances are you will do the same.
Sometimes it is helpful to find a caregiver for yourself – a safe person to talk with or a support group. Some keep a journal of their dreams and prayers, carve out some time each day to be quiet and meditate, listen to music that inspires them or read scriptures and pray.
11. This experience will extend beyond the end of your caregiving. No one knows what they will feel or how they will behave when the one they love dies because even when we think we’re ready, it is still a shock when it happens, requires some adjustments and still hurts.
12. For all the turmoil and sadness, you still have reason to hope. As you attend their dying, you can hold hope for their continued comfort, be optimistic they’ll use this time in positive ways – perhaps resolving the past or enjoying the present, finishing crucial projects or starting new ones, drawing close to others or to a Supreme Being.
You can hold hope for yourself that you’ll keep doing the best you can under the circumstances. You can trust you’ll find resilience and strength, acceptance, understanding, assitance and companionship when needed.
You can trust that as you prepare for your loved one’s death, you will become better prepared for other deaths that will surely come, including your own.
You can be aware that this experience will influence how you live as well as how you die.
“As you walk softly and bravely with your loved one as far as you can, you will know that beyond all doubt this journey has a name. Its name is love.” James E. Miller
These 12 thoughts to guide you on the journey when someone you love is dying, are excerpts from a little book by James E. Miller, titled ONE YOU LOVE IS DYING. Willowgreen Publishing.
