Months, Not Years
None of us know how much time we have, and so these suggestions are food for thought for anyone, but especially if you’ve been told you have months, not years to live.
Following are some thoughts to guide you through the days ahead. The suggestions come from James E. Miller’s little book, WHEN YOU KNOW YOU’RE DYING. To read it in depth, it can be ordered by any bookstore or directly from Willogreen Publishers.
*BE WHO YOU ARE. You are still the same person you’ve always been. You have the same personality, the same idiosyncrasies, the same likes and dislikes, the same memories.
You are more than your illness. While the disease seems to have taken center stage – doctors study it, measure it, treat it and talk about it and family and friends want to know the details – do not let your disease define you.
You are more than your body. While everyone may concentrate on what’s happening to you physically, you always want to stay in touch with your mind, your heart and your soul.
Understand people may treat you differently, either consciously or unconsciously, and their acting that way is about them.
* FEEL ANY AND ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS. You may not have all the following feelings, but it will be common to have many of them - fear of what will happen before you die and after you die, fear of pain or disgurement or abandonment. You may become listless and depressed, shocked or confused, anxious or panicky, helpless or lonely. You may feel hurt or angry or even enraged, guilty or ashamed and envious of others. There may also be relief, love, wonder, pride, even joy.
Your feelings will be unpredictable and are likely to be intense. You will grieve. The losses you are facing are immense – health, family, home, work, security, relationships.
You have permission to feel whatever you feel. Verbally or nonverbally, people may ask you to hide or deny your feelings because they are uncomfortable, not because they don’t care, so find those people who really understand you and can allow you to be real with them. Support groups are helpful to many.
Remember feelings are neither right nor wrong, but simply a sign that you care deeply, that you value life and love and that you are taking seriously what is happening to you.
* MAKE YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS KNOWN. You may not want to appear weak or to inconvenience others or you may feel selfish and it may take special effort to allow yourself to depend on others, but that’s one of the tasks before you.
Needs may be physical, emotional, social – sometimes desiring company and sometimes needing to be alone. There may be spiritual needs and environmental needs and your needs will change – what you desire one day, you won’t the next.
Others cannot know automatically what you need – they’ve never been where you are and they are not you, so you must tell them- simply, directly and honestly.
Remember you are not the only one who feels helpless, so in meeting your needs, they can meet their needs as well.
* LET WHOEVER IS CLOSE TO YOU TAKE THIS JOURNEY WITH YOU. You need not travel alone and you will discover who can go with you – family members or a family of the heart. You may have a large group and you may have only 1 or 2 – there is no right number, it is entirely up to you. Time is limited so don’t try to spread yourself too thin.
Different people will meet different needs. When you’re lonely, someone can give a reassuring touch. When afraid, a comforting embrace. When feeling down, a sign that someone cares. If you want to give up, a reminder of how you’ve persevered before and where your strength lies today. Someone else may help you sort through your questions and another can give confirmation that your life has mattered and you will not be forgotten.
Others will need you, too – to spend time, to say things they haven’t said, to rectify a situation or share memories.
Make your end of life decisions. Do it while you are still alert – financial decisions, a will, the disposition of your body, a funeral or memorial service, advance medical directives, a living will. Notarized copies need to be given to your physicians, the hospital and close family members.
*EMBRACE THAT WHICH PROMOTES YOUR WELL-BEING AND GROWTH. Now is not the time to delay your satisfactions. It is time to live to the full, whatever that means for you. Ponder the following questions: What makes you happy? What soothes you? What energizes you? What makes you laugh? What nourishes you? What gives your days meaning? What inspires you? Who loves you?
*LET GO OF THAT WHICH BLOCKS YOUR WELL-BEING AND GROWH. Discarding a bad habit or a destrucive behavior, releasing yourself from an unncessary obligation or making peace with yourself.
You may want to let go of certain people who drag you down, who are bitter or belittling or hostile. This is not the time for you to try to take care of everyone else’s feelings and needs. It is dangerous and impossible. Everyone must take responsibility for themselves.
This is also a good time for forgiveness – to ask another’ s forgiveness or to forgive yourself or someone else.
* TELL YOUR STORY. Your life has had high points and low ones, periods of excitement and strange twists of fate. You know things no one else knows, you remember things other have long forgotten. Reminisce. Preserve your memories. Organize and share your thoughts. What are your beliefs? Your most important lessons learned? What would you do differently? What would you never change? What would you like your grandchildren to know about you?
* DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, THEN DO IT. How do you want to spend the days you have? Make a dream come true, visit a place you’ve always wanted to go, leave a legacy that will survive you.
Don’t let your life become too hectic. Pace yourself. Stay flexible. Be gentle with yourself. Stay in the present. Breathe deeply. See vividly. Touch lovingly. Concentrate on being ever bit as much as on doing. Live your dying – with gusto, with your heart flung open and your arms spread wide. Live as though there no tomorrow, and then tomorrow, live that way again.
*NURTURE YOURSELF SPIRITUALLY. Set aside time, let others know of your intention. Quiet helps. You may turn to formal religious practices or choose other ways. Do what works best for you. While all your questions may not all have answers, you may find they don’t have to.
* DARE TO HOPE. If you’re concerned about physical discomfort as the days unfold, discuss pain managment control with your caregivers. You may hope to maintain your dignity as best you can, hopes about where you will spend your closing days, hope to live for a long, long time - sometimes that happens. You may hope this will be a time of healing relationships or inner healing – release from past deeds or old wounds, painful inadequacies or hurtful thoughts or achieving inner peace and outer calm.
The poet Rabindranath Tagore once composed these words: Let your life lightly dance on the edges of time like dew on the tip of a leaf.
Author James Miller writes: Let your life dance lightly on the edge of this time and on the edge of the time to come. Let it dance lightly with those you love and with those who love you, and with all those who have ever loved you. Let it dance as long as it will and wherever it will and in the way that it will. Let your life lightly dance for all to see today and for all to remember tomorrow.
May your dance be the dance of a lifetime. And beyond.
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This is so very, very true. In less that two years, I have lost two people very near and dear to me. Within the last five years, the number jumps to four people. Losing the last two especially (younger, more vibrant people) has made me realize how short life is and how little we are guaranteed. I keep mentally making big plans about what I want to do with my life. Wanting to write letters to my daughter, my husband, my best friend, just in case – letters that still remain in my head. I guess there comes a time and point of maturity where I actually have to make this difficult decision and stop everything else and take care of the emotionally important stuff. We’ll see.