Normal Responses to a Major Change
If you or someone you love has been told you will die - sooner rather than later – there are some normal responses you may experience. According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when faced with major change, be it impending death or a major change in relationships, finances, career, or health, certain responses may arise. She categorized them as the “five stages of grief”:
1. Denial. We may dig in our heels and refuse to accept that something has changed.
2. Anger. We might rail at people or institutions, at the audacity of life, or God, for handing us something different from what we want.
3. Bargaining. We can try to make a deal with life, the universe, or a Higher Power, hoping to get what we want.
4. Depression. We could feel that everything is futile when we sense our underlying helplessness.
5. Acceptance. Only after we have exhausted each of the other 4 responses are we ready to accept that change has occurred.
Acceptance comes in many ways. Joseph Campbell said, “We must be willing to relinquish the life we’ve planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Mental Health professionals, following the Oklahoma City bombing, talked about finding a new normal.
My friend Jan Greene, who is also facing a sooner rather than later outcome, pondered that statement one day and said it suddenly hit her of the wisdom of finding a new normal and she shifted her thinking. Later she said, “I can’t imagine how much time and energy I would have wasted not seeing things clearly.”
Author Michael Stillwater says, “By facing our fears of dying, and making peace with our own life journey, we can have a more spacious, free and joyful existence.”
He believes it is the embracing of our losses, rather than resisting them, that strengthens our courage to more easily accept when surrender is the only option.
When we are in the throes of these major changes, we often feel as though we are lost and cannot find a compass or a map to guide us. That is normal. It is my belief however, that as we share our stories we help other people on a similar journey.
That is why this website is being offered by the Oklahoman. That is why Jim Chastain, Ken Raymond, John Clanton and I are doing what we’re doing. We invite any of you reading to share your own experiences, believing that if we can make our painful times useful to someone else, they will not be wasted.
Thank you for joining our conversation on Charlotte Lankard. We encourage your discussion but ask that you stay within the bounds of our commenting and posting policy.
Comments
As an only child, I know the “pull” of caring for aging parents and at the same time having a life of one’s own. I have discovered that unless I take care of myself, I won’t take good care of others and the realization of this may help you to make some changes. While I am sure your parents would prefer you to be their caretaker, it doesn’t sound like it is good for you and the resentment you are feeling is going to increase and eventually harm your relationship with them. Perhaps better to make some changes and allow them to be unhappy about it. Their care is your concern, but it doesn’t have to mean giving up your own life.
Your last 3 sentences tell me you are seeing some options. I encourage you to pursue those – maybe with the help of a therapist – who can help you navigate through what has to be done and also give you some support. Thanks for writing and my best wishes for a good life for yourself. Charlotte
Though I was born in Hugo, I was raised In Dallas. When my mother retired, she asked me to move “back home” with them and help care for my dad. I had to pack up my things and leave my friends…especially my boyfriend. Oh, I forgot to mention I’m an only child and a nurse. Although I should be honored and thankful to be caring for my dad, I’ve also been given the additional responsibility of managing legal, business and medical affairs for both parents. I’m also the family chauffeur and grocery shopper. I didn’t expect I’d have to care for both parents. The sad thing is I have no respite care. My depression has gotten worse, forcing me to seek hospitalization due to the fact I not only had suicidal tendencies, but a plan to carry out. When I read Jim’s blog about being thankful for the love and support of friends and family, it made me cry because here’s Jim, dying, yet wanting to live so badly. At the other end of the spectrum, I’m feeling trapped in a “job” that pays no money, has no vacation time, and I’m given the third degree (at 43, mind you) when I do get a chance to go to Wal-Mart in Idabel, Paris, or even as far away as Texarkana. For all these reasons, I felt suicide was the only way out. Reading Jim’s blog that day was such an inspiration to me. I even commented that Jim has inspired me to live. I do have things to be thankful for in my life. The ability and means to move back to Dallas, return back to school to obtain my BSN degree. And begin to experience the glories life has to offer.