Who makes it to long-term recovery?
I just finished reading the book “Lone Survivor” by Marcus Luttrell.
This book goes into great detail on what it takes to become a Navy Seal.
Of course, as I always do, I related his experiences to what it takes for an addicted child to find and maintain long-term recovery.
For example, one of Marcus’ instructors said to him: “Marcus, the body can take d*** near anything. It’s the mind that needs training. The question that guy was being asked involved mental strength. Can you handle such injustice? Can you cope with that kind of unfairness, that much of a setback, and still come back with your jaw set, still determined, swearing to God you will never quit? That’s what we are looking for.”
That statement was followed by: “He closed by telling us the real battle is won in the mind. It’s won by guys who understand their areas of weakness, who sit and think about it, plotting and planning to improve, attending to the detail. Work on your weaknesses and overcome them.”
This is what it takes to become a Navy Seal but these requirements parallel what it takes to accept long-term recovery from alcohol or other drugs.
Peace, sanity and serenity
We struggle with detaching from our addicted children, even when we know it is in our best interest as well as our child’s.
I think it’s the loss of the dreams we had for our children that we can’t let go of. After all, we work so hard to provide our children with a successful future.
We wanted to be there and witness their achievements and life success. But that’s all gone now; it will never happen and we just can’t accept it.
Every parent eventually will detach from the addicted child. The pain eventually will be too great to bear and that forces us into change. The path is always different for each parent but all will experience the same pain.
The change usually begins with anger. It has been said that anger is the result of expectations not being met. It is also the first motivator to established a parent’s personal boundaries which results in the change process.
The next step is reaching out to support groups and finding others who understand and who will support the parent through the change process.
So begins the journey to recovery for the parents and what lies ahead for each one is peace, sanity and serenity.
Ideas for parents of addicted children (Part 3 of 3)
I ran across an email I had filed away several years ago and felt I should share it with you.
I am not sure who the author is and there were some of the 99 original suggestions that were no longer usable. Others needed updating, so I took the liberty to do that.
My suggestion is to read through this and pick out those suggestions you find helpful. Forget the rest.
* All change depends on a willingness to learn, to educate yourself and others.
* The disease uses three primary tools to hold you hostage. They are fear, pity and guilt. Listen carefully to your addicted child and be on guard and ready with a preplanned and appropriate communication response. One that leads your addicted child to recovery.
* Parents get in the way of their child’s recovery when they attempt to control. Asking if they are going to their meeting, how many job applications they submitted and other such inquiries only signal the child they aren’t capable. This hinders the opportunity for continued recovery.
* “Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” You hear this in support groups and it is so true. Here’s another favorite of mine: “You don’t have to go to every battle you’re invited to.”
* One of the keys to attending support groups is they teach you how not to get drawn into the chaos that addiction creates. This is accomplished not by others giving you advice but by the readings, traditions and simply feeling the love and understanding in the room. You may get lots of support from family and friends but only those who have walked your walk can give you the comfort, peace and serenity you need.
Support groups have proven to be successful for the great majority of parents:
http://www.familiesanonymous.org/
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.codependents.org/
http://nar-anon.org/
http://www.celebraterecovery.com/
http://www.mamasite.net/
Note: Call these organization and tell them what you are dealing with. This will tell you if the organization is possibly a good fit for you and other family members.
It is best to experience these meetings in person and you should attend at least six meetings before determining if this is the right place for you or not. If not, try another meeting — do not give up, keep trying.
* One of the keys to freeing yourself from your child’s chaos is to focus on your passion once again. For example, my wife always wanted to learn to paint, so she began taking lessons and she put her time and passion into this. It is therapeutic.
* Allowing “the disease” to live in your home rarely has proved to be a healthy decision.
* Bailing “the disease” out of jail sends a message to the disease that all is well. It is best to have an understanding with the disease (your child) that this will never be an option for the family.
* Paying for your child’s attorney if the charges are directly or indirectly involved with alcohol or other drugs.
* Warning: The disease will make you think you are in control. It’s a trick that it uses frequently and that is why the disease can last for decades!
* The disease takes great joy and is strengthened when you do not forgive. Forgiveness is the primary ingredient for healing and failure to deal with our anger and frustrations continues to make us “victims.” Forgiveness is for “you.”
* It rarely works when only one member of a family is in recovery.
* The great majority of families find it does not prove successful to “attempt” to have a relationship with an actively using child. It is unhealthy for everyone and never works in the long term.
* It is important to understand that to your addicted child nothing is more important than his next high. To make this clear, say you are on your death bed and only have two hours to live but your addicted child needs those two hours to score his next fix. Guess what? Your son will choose to find his drugs first.
* In reality, your child does not need a cell phone provided by you or another family member. If he needs to talk with you, he will find a phone. For every one call you receive, he will be calling his dealer 10-, 20-, 30-plus times. When you pay for his phone, you are actually helping him score his next hit, which he may just overdose on.
* It takes the average family seven years to come to the realization that its child has a “problem” with alcohol or other drugs. Then it takes an additional two years for the family to begin dealing with the addiction in an appropriate manner.
* When the opportunity arises, and it will, your family doctor can have a huge impact on your child (any age). However, few doctors are knowledgeable about the disease of addiction and even if they have had some training they are unlikely to feel comfortable mentioning abuse of alcohol or other drugs.
Call the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) at (301) 656-3920 (email@asam.org) and ask for membership assistance. Society members can help you locate the right doctor.
Doctors can play a key role in both formal and informal interventions. They can write letters to the courts and/or treatment programs, do drug tests etc.
If you still can’t locate the right doctor, then ask your doctor to review “The Physicians Guide to Helping Patients with Alcohol Problems.” This is a good guide, regardless of the drug involved.
* Here’s a tip from a mom: “If you know you are going to have a ‘difficult’ conversation with your child (any age), take them to a restaurant or other public place.”
* If you are going to drug test your child, it is wise to find a professional company. Professionals can provide you with accurate information and answer your questions about drug testing before going to a local drug store and buying a drug-testing kit off the shelf.
* If your child has a mental illness and addiction, you will gain great insight in reading the book, “At Wit’s End” by Jeff Jay and Jerry A. Boriskin, Ph.D.
* It has been proven that the most success in creating a relapse agreement is one that has been reviewed by a professional alcohol/drug counselor.
You might find it helpful to review this Web site: http://www.tgorski.com/. The author is an expert on relapse and has excellent resources and educational material for you and other family members.
Note: It is estimated that 50 percent will relapse during the first 90 days after treatment.
* “Drugs alter thinking; Thinking controls behaviors; Behaviors determine habits; Habits determine character; Character determines destiny.” “As a result of their addiction, our addicts are incapable of having intimate, lasting relationships. It is not that they are willfully acting badly toward us, they are being driven by the disease.” — Unknown author.
* Here is information that may be of help, review the cycle of acceptance at http://www.thwink.org/sustain/glossary/CycleOfAcceptance2.gif
* “Four Quadrant Problem Solving Aid”: It works like this, (1) draw a vertical line down the middle of a page, (2) in the center of the page draw a horizontal line across the page. In the upper left quadrant you will list all anticipated positive outcomes for taking the proposed action on the issue being considered. Now, in the lower left quadrant you will list all the anticipated outcomes for “NOT” taking the proposed action on the issue being considered. In the upper right quadrant you list all the anticipated negative outcomes in taking the action. Now, in the lower right you will list all the anticipated negative consequences for “NOT” taking the action. — “Four Quadrant Problem Solving Aid,” October 2010,Counselor magazine, by Robert Proehl, CADC
* “Don’t do for them what they can do for themselves.” A common saying from counselors.
* Tell your child you love him whenever possible but the only support you can give is the support that leads to recovery.
* Accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. You may find the “Life Recovery Bible” very helpful for your child’s recovery and that of the family.
* It is best, before confronting your child about his/her substance abuse, to first visit with your spouse and come to some common agreements then visit with a alcohol/drug counselor. If you don’t do this, then a desirable outcome is less likely.
* Where your child goes to treatment is not near as important as the willingness to change.
* Please review the “Stages of Change Model” at http://bit.ly/eVKOiS. Watch the short video at the end of article first, for an overview.
* Blogs I recommend:
http://dadonfire.net/
http://libbycataldi.com/blog
http://journeyofrecoverysearchforserenity.blogspot.com/
http://www.addictionprofiler.blogspot.com/
* Warning: when you are on various blogs written by parent(s) and you review comments made by their followers, make sure you investigate what you are reading. The majority of blogs I have read by parents, the writers appear not to be very well educated in addiction. Many do not see a counselor on a regular basis, do not attend any 12-step groups or have a sponsor. Their information is unreliable.
* Memorials:
http://sara-corbett.memory-of.com/About.aspx
http://www.joshjoseph.com/
http://www.dying2gethigh.com/
http://www.fortunecity.com/millenium/lassie/286
http://mark-bauer.virtual-memorials.com/
http://members.fortunecity.com/davidhall23/
* How to find the comfort you need to proceed, to succeed? Read 2 Corinthians 1:3-5.
Ideas for parents of addicted children (Part 2 of 3)
I ran across an email I had filed away several years ago and felt I should share it with you.
I am not sure who the author is and there were some of the 99 original suggestions that were no longer usable. Others needed updating, so I took the liberty to do that.
My suggestion is to read through this and pick out those suggestions you find helpful. Forget the rest.
* It is vital to have a supportive relapse plan.
*Your Addicted child knows how to live in his/her addiction. They will never go without food and water. There will always be shelter available. There will be medical and dental attention whenever they choose to seek help. There will always be a phone for them to call you. They do not need any help.
* The craving an addict has is not a choice, a “want,” but a very real physical “need.” It develops through changes in the network of cells that have been changed due to the damage the chemical(s) have created over the time of usage.
* A generally accepted statement, “Wherever your child gets clean is where he should stay.”
* Do your best to always remain teachable.
* Society does not understand addiction. Do not expect them to ever understand.
* “Let go, Let God.” This means that you must learn what you are powerless to change. It means to start working on yourself because you are the only person you can change and change is necessary. “He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator.” Francis Bacon
* Interventions, both formal and informal, is your opportunity to “challenge” the disease of addiction. Ask yourself, “If I was the diseased family member what would I want my family to do to help me seek recovery?” You will likely find that you have much more leverage than you think!
*It is a statistical fact that Addicts who are not “active” and stay “active” in a recovery program will eventually relapse.
* Addiction is a brain disease and in order for it to survive it must create new realities for itself. The disease convinces itself that it always has more time than it does. It is a disease that tells the individual he does not have a disease. He will believe he is always in control regardless of the consequences he has had in the past or is presently faced with.
* Research studies have confirmed that a child addicted to heroin can not use a “different” drug believing he can do it responsibly. A “different” drug includes wine, beer, alcohol, prescription meds and marijuana.
* “First our child becomes addicted and then we become addicted to our child” George R. Ross, author. To understand enabling and codependent behavior read the butterfly story at: http://www.hawaiiswim.org/business/TheButterfly/TheButterfly.html
* You must understand that addicts are just as confused due to their distorted thought processes as their family is.
* The more intelligent and/or intellectual the addict, the more difficult for him to understand addiction.
* The majority of addicts want instant recovery and only those willing to wait will maintain long term recovery.
* Never miss an opportunity to tell the addict the positives, how well they are doing in their recovery. Building pride and self-esteem is very important in the recovery process. Many addicts will make great strides in their recovery and then “sabotage” all their successes. The addict, in his addictive thinking, feels like all his success aren’t “real” and he will not make it, just like all the other times he has tried and failed in recovery. Never believe any “promise” the addict makes as it is only an “escape” plan.
* Some parents, as well as their addicted child, resent the 12 steps due to the first step of accepting one’s powerlessness but unless the addict admits (accepts) his powerlessness recovery will not be possible.
* The biggest problem for our addicted children is once they have success in recovery they begin to be depressed because they are not experiencing the joy, happiness, excitement, contentment, pleasure that they were expecting. His reality of life is far removed and depression is to be expected during this period of recovery. The addict has to wait this period out. What might be helpful to understand the phase is to understand PAWS, “Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome” at http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm
* It has proven to be the most successful in the long run if you allow your child to experience the “natural consequences” of their actions. It is best not to intervene and/or create the consequences.
* Any change that is possible for your addicted child will first begin when you and other family members accept recovery. It is here that you discover how and why the addict thinks the way he does. Now you have the protection you have been lacking so not to be conned by the disease of addiction.
* Unfortunately, only an estimated 35 percent of parents follow through with what their alcohol/drug counselor recommends.
* “We will be at the most peace when we grieve the loss of hopes and dreams about the past or hoped for relationship with our addicted child. This process of grieving is necessary so that each of the family members can accept our individual powerlessness over our child’s life; only when acceptance has been accomplished can we stop enabling, stop the fear and “Let go and let God.” Parent Post
* Many parents believe that their child’s problem is due to him hanging out with the wrong crowd. We later find that it is our child who is actually “the wrong crowd.”
* It is naive to believe that sending your addicted child away to live with his Dad or any other relative/friend will “fix” him. It won’t happen.
* Please avoid entering into any type of “negotiations” with your addicted child.
* Finding your child a job sounds like a loving act on your part but it works against his recovery.
* This is very difficult to do or accept but the parent’s primary focus should be on detaching both physically and emotionally from your addicted child. It is the most loving thing you can do for both of you. This is the most important step in everyone’s recovery. See Ephesians 6:10-18
* You will likely find that a “Mastermind Group” will be priceless in helping you understand the process of change. These are individuals who know you and/or understand the disease of addiction. They are “your team” so ask for their prospective when dealing with difficult issues.
* Recovery didn’t show up late, you are just too early.
* What you need is high quality G.A.S. (Good Action Steps)
* In order to establish “understanding” in setting your boundaries there must be a solid foundation of respect and honesty with all members of the family. Failure is likely when you “surprise” others with your boundaries. It has proven to be successful when you allow all members of your “family agreement” a say in the final draft. There may be times when boundaries become flexible but there should never be an “escape” clause.
* Spirituality is key to recovery but far too many recovery attempts are sabotaged because the person has preconceived notions about God. These “notions” come from numerous sources but the key is to cleanse the mind of all such clutter and develop a one on one relationship with God void of others opinions and/or beliefs. Come to God with a willingness and a pure heart for change and you will receive recovery. It is a “personal” relationship with God, no one else is necessary!
Ideas for parents of addicted children
I ran across an email I had filed away several years ago and felt I should share it with you.
I am not sure who the author is and there were some of the 99 original suggestions that were no longer usable. Others needed updating, so I took the liberty to do that.
My suggestion is to read through this and pick out those suggestions you find helpful. Forget the rest.
The ideas (part 1 of 3)
* Consider removing the addicted child from your will. You can always place the money, etc., in a trust based on certain conditions. You might wish to encourage other family members to do the same because you do not want the the money to go to his drug dealer.
* It is not recommended that you send your addicted child to a inpatient treatment program that does not have a “family component.” The treatment program should be authorized to make weekly contact (updates on strengths and weaknesses) with your child’s alcohol/drug counselor. Asked to be advised by the treatment program if there are non-compliance issues with your child and he may be asked to leave. You do not want a “surprise” call that your child has been kicked out and is on the curb!
* It is usually recommended to send your addicted child to an inpatient program outside your state.
* If your child threatens to kill himself, etc., tell him he is loved but all the pain and suffering he is feeling will be released once he accepts recovery, ask him to accept recovery. If he says no, keep repeating that first sentence.
* Parents, please consider not using and/or abusing any mind altering substance. It is best to eliminate any mind altering substance from your environment forever. Consider asking other family members to join you.
* Pay for only one formal inpatient treatment program. Program should be at least ninety days with a “step down” program after that. Exception: In dealing with adolescents intervene early and often. Send the adult child to the same program they send CEOs, doctors, attorneys, as well as other professionals. It is advised to send a child to a gender-specific treatment program. When your child calls you from treatment and tells you his roommate is gay, the food is bad, the counselor threatened him, etc., just tell your child you that you know there are procedures to handle the situation and you know he will make the best choice.
* Find a alcohol drug counselor (CADC or LADC) who is knowledgeable and street smart.
* Parents, continue to see your counselor until he/she says it’s no longer necessary.
* Find a parent support group, work the steps, get a sponsor by your third meeting.
* Once your child has “fully accepted recovery,” consider helping other parents for as long as your passion allows.
* Find a church that understands addiction and provides support. Review http://www.celebraterecovery.com/
* It is generally accepted that if you do not seek out the truth of addiction and come to a understanding of the truth neither you or your addicted child will find peace.
* Pray frequently for all parents and their children.
* Understand that doubts and fears prevents everyone’s recovery. Faith replaces fear. The acronym for “fear” is False Evidence Appearing Real.
* Try and read every book you can find on addiction and co-occurring disorders. Become an expert.
* Consider donating your time and money to support groups and other recovery oriented institutions/organizations.
* Seek guidance in order to grieve the loss of your child, release yourself from the dreams and expectations you have. This is one of the most important aspect of your recovery. The five stages of grief are: denial, anger, surrender, depression and acceptance.
* Counselors will tell you that parents are usually too quick to accept what may not be true — Investigate fully from “reliable” sources.
* The chronically addicted cannot continue to abuse drugs unless someone is helping them.
* It is wise to avoid entering into a conversation with your child if he is high.
* Investigate a family boundary/expectation/consequences agreement. It is best to have the agreement reviewed/approved by a qualified alcohol/drug counselor. ALWAYS follow through with the consequences described in your family agreement.
* Attend “open” AA/NA meetings. To find a local AA meeting, go to: http://www.aa.org/lang/en/meeting_finder.cfm?origpage=29. To find a local NA meeting, go to: http://www.na.org/?ID=home-content-fm
* It is generally agreed that keeping secrets allows the addiction to grow. Inform everyone of your child’s disease. Educate them and ask for their support. The time to break your silence and inform others of your child’s addiction is when consequences no longer matter to your child.
* It is rarely wise to give your child money either directly or indirectly, including providing money while he is in jail!
* Never cosign a loan or rental property, etc., for a child who is abusing alcohol or other drugs. Never purchase a home for your child.
* Never have your name on the car title that your child owns.
* Keep a detailed journal, with the good, the bad and the ugly. Be sure your journal has names, contact info and notes on who has helped or hurt in your journey. Very important.
* Come to believe that addiction is a disease — a brain disease, a primary disease.
* Order the DVD “Pleasure Unwoven” by Dr. Kevin McCauley (http://www.addictiondoctor.com/) and share with family/friends.
* Read the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.
* When reading books on addiction, you highlight the important points and make notes in the margins. Share this information with family/friends.
* You are most likely neglecting your spouse and other family members. Everyone deserves much better!
He’s high, what do I say?
Grieving the Loss of the Child of Your Dreams
Patty Gail Patten was guest speaker at our last Parents Helping Parents meeting (Edmond Chapter). Her topic of “Grieving the Loss of the Child of Your Dreams” was one that was well received by her audience.
Parents of a child who is addicted to alcohol or other drugs must deal with their loss in much the same way as parents whose child physically has been lost.
Unfortunately, with parents of an addicted child, the grieving is repeated over and over with every relapse the child has on his/her path to long-term recovery.
There are three stages of grief for parents:
The first is shock and denial. You just can’t believe something like this can happen to you or your child. This forces you into denial and you go on with your daily activities as if nothing as actually happened.
The next stage is anger, or depression. You may find yourself turning inward away from your usual activities and/or people.
The third stage is understanding and acceptance. You will sense a feeling of peace and serenity. In addition, you will regain your ability to find a new meaning in your life.
Patty Gail indicated that these stages can overlap one another and they may not be experienced in a specific order. Everyone heals in his/her own way and time.
There was one last critical, vital statement from Patty Gail. She said addiction is now accepted as a mental illness.
I feel one of the most critical issues parents face is understanding that addiction is a disease, a primary disease, a brain disease.
A life-and-death decision
We focus all of our attention on the behavior of our addicted child and we keep seeking resources that will create the change in him/her to lead to recovery.
It is certainly true that our addicted children must embrace change to maintain recovery but family and friends must work just as hard in changing themselves to support their loved one’s recovery.
We, as family members, don’t feel a real need for change for ourselves and, even if we do see a need to change, we resist it.
That is a natural reaction but I feel if the family members aren’t willing to make the changes that are necessary to support long-term recovery, the battle eventually will be lost.
Our children need and deserve a supportive family foundation. It’s a life-and-death decision.
Beginning effective communication with an addicted child
Melissa Rich, Ph.D was the guest speaker at the Edmond Chapter of Parents Helping Parents last Tuesday and her talk focused on communicating with our substance-abusing children and/or addicted children.
The room was filled to capacity as this is such an important topic with parents. However, we were soon to learn that our best hope of communicating with our children is making sure we are doing a good job communicating with our spouse and extended family members.
The message she delivered focused on the the foundation of change which she indicated should be developed first within our marriage; having formed a united front with clear understanding of boundaries and acceptable communication skills formulated to address the addictive thinking of an addicted child.
The following points are from one of the hand outs titled, “Speaker Listener Techniques.”
Rules for the Speaker
* Speak for yourself, don’t mind read!
* Keep statements brief. Don’t go on and on.
* Stop to let the listener paraphrase.
Rules for the Listener
* Paraphrase what you hear.
* Focus on the speaker’s message. Don’t rebut.
Rules for Both
* The speaker has the floor.
* Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.
* Share the floor
Tears and laughter
I have spent the past five years with a parent support group.
I rarely miss a meeting. There is this special feeling of connectivity that only parents of an addicted child can relate to.
I have cried there. Yes, it’s true, a grown man in tears. It is hard to explain the emotion and pain a parent feels but that is what is so priceless about the group, I don’t have to explain because my fellow travelers already know.
There is something else very special about the group. There are many other men in attendance and, over the years, I have seen many break down when sharing their pain. I have found that I am not seen as less than a man but a human being who needs, at times, understanding.
It’s interesting that the tears are not near as common as the laughter. I would have never dreamed that there would be laughter in such a setting but it is true.
I remember a time when I was under siege by the enemy of addiction. I was on my way to the meeting and almost turned around and headed home several times. I resisted the urge until I arrived at my destination.
I was walking down the hall to the meeting room and finally gave up the fight and decided to go back home. But as I turned toward the exit, I heard the room down the hallway explode in laughter. I felt God instructing me to turn around and enter the room.
That night was one of the best evenings of my life.
