Ideas for parents of addicted children (Part 3 of 3)
I ran across an email I had filed away several years ago and felt I should share it with you.
I am not sure who the author is and there were some of the 99 original suggestions that were no longer usable. Others needed updating, so I took the liberty to do that.
My suggestion is to read through this and pick out those suggestions you find helpful. Forget the rest.
* All change depends on a willingness to learn, to educate yourself and others.
* The disease uses three primary tools to hold you hostage. They are fear, pity and guilt. Listen carefully to your addicted child and be on guard and ready with a preplanned and appropriate communication response. One that leads your addicted child to recovery.
* Parents get in the way of their child’s recovery when they attempt to control. Asking if they are going to their meeting, how many job applications they submitted and other such inquiries only signal the child they aren’t capable. This hinders the opportunity for continued recovery.
* “Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” You hear this in support groups and it is so true. Here’s another favorite of mine: “You don’t have to go to every battle you’re invited to.”
* One of the keys to attending support groups is they teach you how not to get drawn into the chaos that addiction creates. This is accomplished not by others giving you advice but by the readings, traditions and simply feeling the love and understanding in the room. You may get lots of support from family and friends but only those who have walked your walk can give you the comfort, peace and serenity you need.
Support groups have proven to be successful for the great majority of parents:
http://www.familiesanonymous.org/
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.codependents.org/
http://nar-anon.org/
http://www.celebraterecovery.com/
http://www.mamasite.net/
Note: Call these organization and tell them what you are dealing with. This will tell you if the organization is possibly a good fit for you and other family members.
It is best to experience these meetings in person and you should attend at least six meetings before determining if this is the right place for you or not. If not, try another meeting — do not give up, keep trying.
* One of the keys to freeing yourself from your child’s chaos is to focus on your passion once again. For example, my wife always wanted to learn to paint, so she began taking lessons and she put her time and passion into this. It is therapeutic.
* Allowing “the disease” to live in your home rarely has proved to be a healthy decision.
* Bailing “the disease” out of jail sends a message to the disease that all is well. It is best to have an understanding with the disease (your child) that this will never be an option for the family.
* Paying for your child’s attorney if the charges are directly or indirectly involved with alcohol or other drugs.
* Warning: The disease will make you think you are in control. It’s a trick that it uses frequently and that is why the disease can last for decades!
* The disease takes great joy and is strengthened when you do not forgive. Forgiveness is the primary ingredient for healing and failure to deal with our anger and frustrations continues to make us “victims.” Forgiveness is for “you.”
* It rarely works when only one member of a family is in recovery.
* The great majority of families find it does not prove successful to “attempt” to have a relationship with an actively using child. It is unhealthy for everyone and never works in the long term.
* It is important to understand that to your addicted child nothing is more important than his next high. To make this clear, say you are on your death bed and only have two hours to live but your addicted child needs those two hours to score his next fix. Guess what? Your son will choose to find his drugs first.
* In reality, your child does not need a cell phone provided by you or another family member. If he needs to talk with you, he will find a phone. For every one call you receive, he will be calling his dealer 10-, 20-, 30-plus times. When you pay for his phone, you are actually helping him score his next hit, which he may just overdose on.
* It takes the average family seven years to come to the realization that its child has a “problem” with alcohol or other drugs. Then it takes an additional two years for the family to begin dealing with the addiction in an appropriate manner.
* When the opportunity arises, and it will, your family doctor can have a huge impact on your child (any age). However, few doctors are knowledgeable about the disease of addiction and even if they have had some training they are unlikely to feel comfortable mentioning abuse of alcohol or other drugs.
Call the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) at (301) 656-3920 (email@asam.org) and ask for membership assistance. Society members can help you locate the right doctor.
Doctors can play a key role in both formal and informal interventions. They can write letters to the courts and/or treatment programs, do drug tests etc.
If you still can’t locate the right doctor, then ask your doctor to review “The Physicians Guide to Helping Patients with Alcohol Problems.” This is a good guide, regardless of the drug involved.
* Here’s a tip from a mom: “If you know you are going to have a ‘difficult’ conversation with your child (any age), take them to a restaurant or other public place.”
* If you are going to drug test your child, it is wise to find a professional company. Professionals can provide you with accurate information and answer your questions about drug testing before going to a local drug store and buying a drug-testing kit off the shelf.
* If your child has a mental illness and addiction, you will gain great insight in reading the book, “At Wit’s End” by Jeff Jay and Jerry A. Boriskin, Ph.D.
* It has been proven that the most success in creating a relapse agreement is one that has been reviewed by a professional alcohol/drug counselor.
You might find it helpful to review this Web site: http://www.tgorski.com/. The author is an expert on relapse and has excellent resources and educational material for you and other family members.
Note: It is estimated that 50 percent will relapse during the first 90 days after treatment.
* “Drugs alter thinking; Thinking controls behaviors; Behaviors determine habits; Habits determine character; Character determines destiny.” “As a result of their addiction, our addicts are incapable of having intimate, lasting relationships. It is not that they are willfully acting badly toward us, they are being driven by the disease.” — Unknown author.
* Here is information that may be of help, review the cycle of acceptance at http://www.thwink.org/sustain/glossary/CycleOfAcceptance2.gif
* “Four Quadrant Problem Solving Aid”: It works like this, (1) draw a vertical line down the middle of a page, (2) in the center of the page draw a horizontal line across the page. In the upper left quadrant you will list all anticipated positive outcomes for taking the proposed action on the issue being considered. Now, in the lower left quadrant you will list all the anticipated outcomes for “NOT” taking the proposed action on the issue being considered. In the upper right quadrant you list all the anticipated negative outcomes in taking the action. Now, in the lower right you will list all the anticipated negative consequences for “NOT” taking the action. — “Four Quadrant Problem Solving Aid,” October 2010,Counselor magazine, by Robert Proehl, CADC
* “Don’t do for them what they can do for themselves.” A common saying from counselors.
* Tell your child you love him whenever possible but the only support you can give is the support that leads to recovery.
* Accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. You may find the “Life Recovery Bible” very helpful for your child’s recovery and that of the family.
* It is best, before confronting your child about his/her substance abuse, to first visit with your spouse and come to some common agreements then visit with a alcohol/drug counselor. If you don’t do this, then a desirable outcome is less likely.
* Where your child goes to treatment is not near as important as the willingness to change.
* Please review the “Stages of Change Model” at http://bit.ly/eVKOiS. Watch the short video at the end of article first, for an overview.
* Blogs I recommend:
http://dadonfire.net/
http://libbycataldi.com/blog
http://journeyofrecoverysearchforserenity.blogspot.com/
http://www.addictionprofiler.blogspot.com/
* Warning: when you are on various blogs written by parent(s) and you review comments made by their followers, make sure you investigate what you are reading. The majority of blogs I have read by parents, the writers appear not to be very well educated in addiction. Many do not see a counselor on a regular basis, do not attend any 12-step groups or have a sponsor. Their information is unreliable.
* Memorials:
http://sara-corbett.memory-of.com/About.aspx
http://www.joshjoseph.com/
http://www.dying2gethigh.com/
http://www.fortunecity.com/millenium/lassie/286
http://mark-bauer.virtual-memorials.com/
http://members.fortunecity.com/davidhall23/
* How to find the comfort you need to proceed, to succeed? Read 2 Corinthians 1:3-5.
Involved in a crash? Here’s what to do
By Chuck Mai, AAA
Even the best drivers sometimes crash. A motor vehicle collision is an emotional and exhausting experience. But it’s what you do after the crash that can make all the difference between a calamity and a minor annoyance.
The most important thing to do first is make sure everyone is okay. Then seek medical and law enforcement help and know what to do to protect yourself from legal or financial problems down the road.
Keep a pen and paper, disposable camera or cell phone camera, and a copy of your insurance card with you in the vehicle at all times. Use of a mobile app such as “AAA Insurance” can help you properly document the event.
After stopping your vehicle, follow these steps:
1. Assist the Injured. Quickly check with those involved in the collision to determine if there are any injuries. If medical attention is needed, call 9-1-1. If medical attention is not needed, make sure you are not in imminent danger at the roadside.
2. Control the Scene. Before taking time to exchange information, get to a safe place. In Oklahoma, if there are no injuries, the law requires motorists to move vehicles off the roadway and out of traffic lanes. Turn on your hazard lights and set out warning flares or reflective triangles. Do not leave the scene of the crash, but find a safe place to remain until emergency services arrive.
3. Notify the Police and Submit a Report. The law requires you notify the police. No matter what either party says, call the police and file a report. If the police do not come to the scene to open an investigation, you can file a report by visiting a local police department or automobile insurance agency in the days after a crash. Having a report on file may help later if a liability claim is filed.
4. Document the Scene and Exchange Information. It is important to exchange and gather information with all parties involved in the crash, including witnesses. Having this on file will help complete any future paperwork or address potential problems. AAA suggests that you document:
• Names
• Addresses/email addresses
• Vehicle Information including makes, models and years for all cars involved
• Vehicle identification/license plate numbers
• Driver’s license numbers
• Insurance carriers and policy numbers
• Take photos of the location, people involved and damaged vehicles
5. Notify Your Insurance Carrier. Your insurance carrier will need to be notified following a crash to start the proper claim filing. Many insurance companies have staff available 24/7 and can assist immediately. Having proof of insurance in your vehicle is required by law and makes filing a claim easier if not at home.
6. Get Your Vehicle Repaired. You have the right to get your vehicle repaired at body shop of your own choosing. In addition to facilities suggested by your insurance company, consider a quality AAA Approved Auto Body shop which can be found by visiting www.AAA.com/Repair.
7. Unattended Vehicle or Property. If you are involved in a crash that involves an unattended vehicle or property, take action to inform the owner. If you cannot locate the owner, attach a written notice of the collision to the vehicle or property, being sure to include your contact information and information listed above.
Drivers and owners of motor vehicles must be prepared to assume legal and financial responsibility if involved in a crash, but AAA advises not to let your emotions and feelings get in the way of deciding who is at fault. Never allow yourself to be pressured into admitting fault or giving an opinion about the cause of a crash. If you wish, you can consult with an attorney before giving a statement.
A dangerous time of year
A former neighbor told me one summer he was working hard to have the best-looking lawn on the block. He said he was determined to have a colorful yard.
He was succeeding.
But when others were using everything they could find to make their lawns a nice shade of green, he was fixed on yellow.
It was intentional, he said, and it probably was. He intentionally avoided any and all yard work, so, he allowed his grass to burn up.
He attributed part of his “success” to a mandatory water rationing plan by the city. His neighbors reminded him that on the even-odd system, he still could water. He laughed and said he always had trouble remembering which he was, “even or odd.”
We all agreed “odd” was most fitting, and he never picked up on it. But we did convince him the odd-numbered address on his curb meant he was allowed to use water on odd-numbered days. Still, he let his grass burn.
It only took his young son dropping a lighted match on the grass to finally convince him that his idea wasn’t the best. The next year, he bought a sprinkler.
When the grass is so dry it crinkles under your feet, it’s time to act. It’s amazing how fast a grass fire can spread, threatening more than just a lawn. It could cost you your home.
There have been large several grass fires recently around the state, though none have come close to those west of here that have brought death and destruction.
None have been close to those of the past few years that charred thousands of acres of landscape, took numerous buildings and caused deaths or injuries.
But the potential is there. Weather officials note that the drought that has gripped a large part of the country is not letting up. If we’re lucking, we’ll get a break before fall. But it could be there won’t be much relief.
So, we need to do what we can to reduce the risk.
Fire officials advise keeping your lawn cut short and dispose of the clippings.
If you have dead tree limbs or other debris lying around, get rid of it, too.
Don’t leave flammable materials where they can cause of accelerate a fire.
Be careful with your outdoor grill.
And whenever possible, wet down the grass.
There are many other ways you can help avoid a fire problem. See the resources listings in KNOWIT.NEWSOK.COM/SEVERE-WEATHER-OKLAHOMA for more information.
And consider green rather than yellow as the color for your yard.
Ideas for parents of addicted children (Part 2 of 3)
I ran across an email I had filed away several years ago and felt I should share it with you.
I am not sure who the author is and there were some of the 99 original suggestions that were no longer usable. Others needed updating, so I took the liberty to do that.
My suggestion is to read through this and pick out those suggestions you find helpful. Forget the rest.
* It is vital to have a supportive relapse plan.
*Your Addicted child knows how to live in his/her addiction. They will never go without food and water. There will always be shelter available. There will be medical and dental attention whenever they choose to seek help. There will always be a phone for them to call you. They do not need any help.
* The craving an addict has is not a choice, a “want,” but a very real physical “need.” It develops through changes in the network of cells that have been changed due to the damage the chemical(s) have created over the time of usage.
* A generally accepted statement, “Wherever your child gets clean is where he should stay.”
* Do your best to always remain teachable.
* Society does not understand addiction. Do not expect them to ever understand.
* “Let go, Let God.” This means that you must learn what you are powerless to change. It means to start working on yourself because you are the only person you can change and change is necessary. “He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator.” Francis Bacon
* Interventions, both formal and informal, is your opportunity to “challenge” the disease of addiction. Ask yourself, “If I was the diseased family member what would I want my family to do to help me seek recovery?” You will likely find that you have much more leverage than you think!
*It is a statistical fact that Addicts who are not “active” and stay “active” in a recovery program will eventually relapse.
* Addiction is a brain disease and in order for it to survive it must create new realities for itself. The disease convinces itself that it always has more time than it does. It is a disease that tells the individual he does not have a disease. He will believe he is always in control regardless of the consequences he has had in the past or is presently faced with.
* Research studies have confirmed that a child addicted to heroin can not use a “different” drug believing he can do it responsibly. A “different” drug includes wine, beer, alcohol, prescription meds and marijuana.
* “First our child becomes addicted and then we become addicted to our child” George R. Ross, author. To understand enabling and codependent behavior read the butterfly story at: http://www.hawaiiswim.org/business/TheButterfly/TheButterfly.html
* You must understand that addicts are just as confused due to their distorted thought processes as their family is.
* The more intelligent and/or intellectual the addict, the more difficult for him to understand addiction.
* The majority of addicts want instant recovery and only those willing to wait will maintain long term recovery.
* Never miss an opportunity to tell the addict the positives, how well they are doing in their recovery. Building pride and self-esteem is very important in the recovery process. Many addicts will make great strides in their recovery and then “sabotage” all their successes. The addict, in his addictive thinking, feels like all his success aren’t “real” and he will not make it, just like all the other times he has tried and failed in recovery. Never believe any “promise” the addict makes as it is only an “escape” plan.
* Some parents, as well as their addicted child, resent the 12 steps due to the first step of accepting one’s powerlessness but unless the addict admits (accepts) his powerlessness recovery will not be possible.
* The biggest problem for our addicted children is once they have success in recovery they begin to be depressed because they are not experiencing the joy, happiness, excitement, contentment, pleasure that they were expecting. His reality of life is far removed and depression is to be expected during this period of recovery. The addict has to wait this period out. What might be helpful to understand the phase is to understand PAWS, “Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome” at http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm
* It has proven to be the most successful in the long run if you allow your child to experience the “natural consequences” of their actions. It is best not to intervene and/or create the consequences.
* Any change that is possible for your addicted child will first begin when you and other family members accept recovery. It is here that you discover how and why the addict thinks the way he does. Now you have the protection you have been lacking so not to be conned by the disease of addiction.
* Unfortunately, only an estimated 35 percent of parents follow through with what their alcohol/drug counselor recommends.
* “We will be at the most peace when we grieve the loss of hopes and dreams about the past or hoped for relationship with our addicted child. This process of grieving is necessary so that each of the family members can accept our individual powerlessness over our child’s life; only when acceptance has been accomplished can we stop enabling, stop the fear and “Let go and let God.” Parent Post
* Many parents believe that their child’s problem is due to him hanging out with the wrong crowd. We later find that it is our child who is actually “the wrong crowd.”
* It is naive to believe that sending your addicted child away to live with his Dad or any other relative/friend will “fix” him. It won’t happen.
* Please avoid entering into any type of “negotiations” with your addicted child.
* Finding your child a job sounds like a loving act on your part but it works against his recovery.
* This is very difficult to do or accept but the parent’s primary focus should be on detaching both physically and emotionally from your addicted child. It is the most loving thing you can do for both of you. This is the most important step in everyone’s recovery. See Ephesians 6:10-18
* You will likely find that a “Mastermind Group” will be priceless in helping you understand the process of change. These are individuals who know you and/or understand the disease of addiction. They are “your team” so ask for their prospective when dealing with difficult issues.
* Recovery didn’t show up late, you are just too early.
* What you need is high quality G.A.S. (Good Action Steps)
* In order to establish “understanding” in setting your boundaries there must be a solid foundation of respect and honesty with all members of the family. Failure is likely when you “surprise” others with your boundaries. It has proven to be successful when you allow all members of your “family agreement” a say in the final draft. There may be times when boundaries become flexible but there should never be an “escape” clause.
* Spirituality is key to recovery but far too many recovery attempts are sabotaged because the person has preconceived notions about God. These “notions” come from numerous sources but the key is to cleanse the mind of all such clutter and develop a one on one relationship with God void of others opinions and/or beliefs. Come to God with a willingness and a pure heart for change and you will receive recovery. It is a “personal” relationship with God, no one else is necessary!
First Ramp in Interstate 235 and I-44 Interchange Opens Friday Morning
Excellent news for motorists that should make their morning commutes a whole lot easier. Efforts to reduce congestion and improve the Interstate 235 and I-44 interchange will take a big step forward early Friday as the project to reconstruct the southbound I-235 ramp to westbound I-44 opens to traffic prior to morning rush hour.
Oklahoma Department of Transportation officials said the new NW 63 ramps to I-235 and I-44 “will remain closed until early August in order to tie it into the new roadway.”
The ODOT project was the next phase in the overall Broadway Extension U.S. 77/I-235 and I-44 corridor reconstruction and the first major project on the I-235 and I-44 interchange itself.
Motorists need to be aware of changes to traffic patterns after the I-235 and I-44 ramp opening, however.
The entrance to the new southbound I-235 ramp to westbound I-44 begins further north than the previous ramp. The newly redesigned interchange features a longer ramp which will allow for safer, more efficient travel between the two interstates.
Driving’s Deadliest Days
By Chuck Mai, AAA
As you drive this great country, bear in mind the following:
1. In 2009, ten percent of all fatal crashes occurred on Saturdays and Sundays between midnight and 6 a.m.
2. Nearly 2,900 people were killed in motor vehicle crashes during the deadliest driving month in 2009, August. (In all of 2009, there were 30,797 roadway fatalities.)
3. There are four times as many traffic fatalities on rainy days as on snowy days.
Therefore, the most dangerous time to drive may be during a weekend pre-dawn rain shower in August.
These gruesome statistics are courtesy the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA).
How does Oklahoma stack up? We’re a little different. The Oklahoma Highway Safety Office says that in 2010, there were 616 fatal crashes in the state. Fridays (108) and Saturdays (95) had the most fatal crashes and the month with the most was July (72) followed by June (65). The time of the day that was most dangerous was between 6 p.m. and 9 p.m., when 118 were killed (19 percent of the total).
In these 616 fatal crashes in 2010 in Oklahoma, there were 668 fatalities. 451 were drivers, 139 were passengers, 68 were pedestrians, eight were bicyclists and two were in parked vehicles.
If Oklahoma’s 616 fatal crashes in 2010 seem high – it is – but we’re doing better. Compare that figure with 2009, when there were 646 fatal crashes and in 2008, when we recorded 737.
More good news: preliminary figures from the OHSO show that in 2011, the state suffered 609 fatality crashes. And so far this year, we’re on track to record even fewer. However, as the families of crash victims will tell you, it’s a real stretch to call the deaths of “only” 609 Oklahomans “good news.” Each death on our roadways touches countless lives and produces everlasting, painful repercussions.
Be proactive behind the wheel. Limit distractions (especially cell phone use and texting), drive refreshed, stay alert and buckle up. Drive aware, Oklahoma.
Innocence lost through senseless act
My mild-mannered friend and former classmate is gone, thanks apparently to gang violence in which he had no involvement.
An innocent man lost his life because he and his young daughter were in the wrong place at the wrong time. They were looking for a birthday present for his wife in a Tulsa business when a stray bullet crashed through a store window and struck him in the chest.
His daughter lost her loving father, a loving husband to her mother. Outside the store, another man, this one with a past of criminal activity, also died. Police say that man was the target of the gunman. My friend’s death was totally unintended.
As of now, the shooter remains at large. His image appears on surveillance video at the time of the slayings. Authorities believe there are those who know him. Authorities, along with my friend’s family, have asked for assistance from the public in locating the killer.
Unfortunately, this incident, which resulted in the death of former Ponca City resident Wesley Brown, is one of many similar events that have made news recently, too many of them. Often, it is an innocent person, such as Wesley, who dies.
For those who knew Wesley, this incident is unfathomable. We remember him as a cheerful, intelligent individual, always smiling, always kind. His personality was warm and generous.
Unlike the individual responsible for his death, Wesley didn’t harm people. He helped them. I remember him as a good student, a friendly sort. He wasn’t big into athletics, but rather more into intellectual challenges.
After we graduated from high school, I didn’t hear much from him until we hooked up again on Facebook. But I hear and read that his interests were about the same as they were when we were in class together and young friends: family- and community-oriented.
I can only hope his family, in particular his young daughter who was with him at the time of the shooting, will recover from this tragedy. I hope the individual responsible for his death will be caught before someone else is harmed.
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See the resources area of KNOWIT.NEWSOK.COM/MENTAL-HEALTH-OKLAHOMA for information on the grieving process and how to cope with the loss of someone close to you.
I Have Seen the Fuel of the Future
By Chuck Mai, AAA
Well, I haven’t actually seen the fuel – because compressed natural gas is a colorless vapor – but I have seen what it can do. And one of those things is reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Another thing is save motorists money. Right now (mid-July, 2012), CNG is averaging $1.44 per gallon gasoline equivalent across Oklahoma compared with a statewide average of $3.30 today for regular self-serve gasoline. Less than half the price.
Today, Love’s Travel Stops and Country Stores opened another CNG re-fueling depot – its first in Oklahoma City – at the Love’s at I-35 and NE 122nd St. The fueling station was opened in partnership with Chesapeake Energy Corporation, a major producer of CNG.
Love’s has jumped on the CNG bandwagon big time. The firm announced in December that they would be opening ten CNG fueling stations this year across Oklahoma: two in OKC and one each in Pauls Valley, Norman, Okemah, Lawton, Guymon, Guthrie, Chickasha and Altus.
As OKC Mayor Mick Cornett said at today’s grand opening, “Oklahoma City is a leader in many ways, including in the development of CNG infrastructure. CNG is truly the fuel of the future and I am proud that two Oklahoma City-based companies are helping drive the CNG market toward continued success and adoption.”
Still on the fence about CNG? I don’t blame you. But you know what? The decision to go with a CNG-powered vehicle is getting easier and easier all the time. There are now dozens of public CNG fueling stations in Oklahoma and converting vehicles from gasoline to CNG is getting cheaper as the technology becomes more refined. Can’t leave gasoline behind? Consider a hybrid that runs on gasoline and CNG. Chevy has their GMC Natural Gas Bi-Fuel pickup that’ll be new for 2013, Ram is also going to offer a natural gas HD pickup, and there’s the 2012 and 2013 Honda Civic Natural Gas, among others.
Even more motivation comes from Mike Duoba, an engineer at the auto research center at Argonne National Laboratory near Chicago, Ill.: “Our conclusion is that natural gas as a transportation fuel has both adequate abundance and cost advantages that make a strong case to focus interest in the technology as a real game changer in US energy security. In terms of consumer ownership and use costs, the case to make a switch from current fuels to CNG is much more compelling than for other alternative fuels like ethanol and electricity.”
I don’t own stock in any company that is in the CNG business but I gotta tell you, CNG is clean, it’s abundant, and it seems so right for today and certainly right for Oklahoma.
Ideas for parents of addicted children
I ran across an email I had filed away several years ago and felt I should share it with you.
I am not sure who the author is and there were some of the 99 original suggestions that were no longer usable. Others needed updating, so I took the liberty to do that.
My suggestion is to read through this and pick out those suggestions you find helpful. Forget the rest.
The ideas (part 1 of 3)
* Consider removing the addicted child from your will. You can always place the money, etc., in a trust based on certain conditions. You might wish to encourage other family members to do the same because you do not want the the money to go to his drug dealer.
* It is not recommended that you send your addicted child to a inpatient treatment program that does not have a “family component.” The treatment program should be authorized to make weekly contact (updates on strengths and weaknesses) with your child’s alcohol/drug counselor. Asked to be advised by the treatment program if there are non-compliance issues with your child and he may be asked to leave. You do not want a “surprise” call that your child has been kicked out and is on the curb!
* It is usually recommended to send your addicted child to an inpatient program outside your state.
* If your child threatens to kill himself, etc., tell him he is loved but all the pain and suffering he is feeling will be released once he accepts recovery, ask him to accept recovery. If he says no, keep repeating that first sentence.
* Parents, please consider not using and/or abusing any mind altering substance. It is best to eliminate any mind altering substance from your environment forever. Consider asking other family members to join you.
* Pay for only one formal inpatient treatment program. Program should be at least ninety days with a “step down” program after that. Exception: In dealing with adolescents intervene early and often. Send the adult child to the same program they send CEOs, doctors, attorneys, as well as other professionals. It is advised to send a child to a gender-specific treatment program. When your child calls you from treatment and tells you his roommate is gay, the food is bad, the counselor threatened him, etc., just tell your child you that you know there are procedures to handle the situation and you know he will make the best choice.
* Find a alcohol drug counselor (CADC or LADC) who is knowledgeable and street smart.
* Parents, continue to see your counselor until he/she says it’s no longer necessary.
* Find a parent support group, work the steps, get a sponsor by your third meeting.
* Once your child has “fully accepted recovery,” consider helping other parents for as long as your passion allows.
* Find a church that understands addiction and provides support. Review http://www.celebraterecovery.com/
* It is generally accepted that if you do not seek out the truth of addiction and come to a understanding of the truth neither you or your addicted child will find peace.
* Pray frequently for all parents and their children.
* Understand that doubts and fears prevents everyone’s recovery. Faith replaces fear. The acronym for “fear” is False Evidence Appearing Real.
* Try and read every book you can find on addiction and co-occurring disorders. Become an expert.
* Consider donating your time and money to support groups and other recovery oriented institutions/organizations.
* Seek guidance in order to grieve the loss of your child, release yourself from the dreams and expectations you have. This is one of the most important aspect of your recovery. The five stages of grief are: denial, anger, surrender, depression and acceptance.
* Counselors will tell you that parents are usually too quick to accept what may not be true — Investigate fully from “reliable” sources.
* The chronically addicted cannot continue to abuse drugs unless someone is helping them.
* It is wise to avoid entering into a conversation with your child if he is high.
* Investigate a family boundary/expectation/consequences agreement. It is best to have the agreement reviewed/approved by a qualified alcohol/drug counselor. ALWAYS follow through with the consequences described in your family agreement.
* Attend “open” AA/NA meetings. To find a local AA meeting, go to: http://www.aa.org/lang/en/meeting_finder.cfm?origpage=29. To find a local NA meeting, go to: http://www.na.org/?ID=home-content-fm
* It is generally agreed that keeping secrets allows the addiction to grow. Inform everyone of your child’s disease. Educate them and ask for their support. The time to break your silence and inform others of your child’s addiction is when consequences no longer matter to your child.
* It is rarely wise to give your child money either directly or indirectly, including providing money while he is in jail!
* Never cosign a loan or rental property, etc., for a child who is abusing alcohol or other drugs. Never purchase a home for your child.
* Never have your name on the car title that your child owns.
* Keep a detailed journal, with the good, the bad and the ugly. Be sure your journal has names, contact info and notes on who has helped or hurt in your journey. Very important.
* Come to believe that addiction is a disease — a brain disease, a primary disease.
* Order the DVD “Pleasure Unwoven” by Dr. Kevin McCauley (http://www.addictiondoctor.com/) and share with family/friends.
* Read the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.
* When reading books on addiction, you highlight the important points and make notes in the margins. Share this information with family/friends.
* You are most likely neglecting your spouse and other family members. Everyone deserves much better!
Buckle Up! The Road did …
By Chuck Mai, AAA, and the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety
The viral video of a car being launched airborne by a buckled Wisconsin highway may already be old news, but – given that we’re less than three weeks into the summer of 2012 – the conditions that created this dangerous situation hardly are. Many of us have already endured record-breaking heat and powerful storms – and it’s not yet even mid-July.
As we gulp down bottle after bottle of water, head to the pool, crank up the AC, take refuge in movie theaters, and find other ways of beating the heat, it’s important to remember that our vehicles need some TLC to survive these brutal months, too. And when the heat’s this bad, breakdowns can be particularly problematic, as motorists may be stranded in extreme temperatures with insufficient water and shade.
To protect yourself and your car this summer, make sure to check and top off vital fluids to keep your engine running smoothly and avoid overheating. Ensure that your tires are inflated properly, as extreme temperatures exacerbate the risk of a blowout. Keep sufficient fuel in your tank in case power failures or long lines at the pump make it difficult to find accessible gas stations in your area. If storm debris has damaged your windshield, have it replaced or repaired as soon as possible. And always carry some extra water in the trunk, just in case.
Of course, extreme heat and humidity often culminate in severe storms, which can bring down trees and utility lines, and create sudden changes in visibility and roadway conditions. Be on the lookout for fallen branches, and intersections with traffic signals that have lost power (which should be treated as all-way stops). Be patient with changes in traffic patterns, and remember that spending a few extra minutes sitting in your air-conditioned car is probably not such a bad thing after all. Taking these and other precautions can go a long way toward ensuring you – and your car – make it through the summer safely.
And remember: always wear your seatbelt. After all, you never want to encounter a situation in which the roadway is buckled…and you’re not.
