THE CHRISTMAS LETTER

Traditions are what the holiday season is all about. One of my favorites is the infamous “Christmas letter.” You know , it reads like the Donna Reed Show ad nauseam.

Everyone receives at least one every year. Usually from a sorority sister you haven’t seen in 20 years, a high school friend who sat across from you in Algebra II or the third cousin on your husband’s side everyone avoids at the family reunions

The letters read something like this:

“Tis the season of good cheer and our family is brimming over with it as we share with you the terrific things that have happened to us over the past year.” (right there you’re hooked)

“In July, Charlie and I camped out for two weeks with the children in Yellowstone National Park. We filmed a documentary of our experiences which wil be aired on national television. A video tape is enclosed.

Charles, Jr., nicknamed “Big Brain,” just won a scholarship to Princeton where he’s going to be doing research on computer cloning. He’s dating a former Dallas Cowboys chairleader whose father personally knows the White House vet.

Biffy, our dog, had a litter of blue ribbon show puppies, graduated at the top of her class in Obedience School and can sing along with the Willie Nelson Christmas album.

Sara Sweet, our ten-year-old, wrote and directed the school Christmas play and was the winner of a national Frisbee contest. She was voted the most likely to succeed by her baton twirling class.

Brucie, our three-year-old cherub, can change his own Pampers and tie his wet shoestrings.

I received the “Outstanding Mother of the Year” award on our street, which, I might add, covers two city blocks and a vacant lot.

Charlie is president of his own company, drives a Mercedes and still has his own teeth.

Merry Christmas to you, and what’s- his- name, and all the children.”

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