WATCH OUT FOR OVERHEAD LUGGAGE!
Just as I’m getting the hang of shoving my carryon into the overhead storage and timing it so I’m the first in line to retrieve it, airline regulations change. Now the only thing you can carry on board without a charge is a change of underwear in a ziploc bag.
There are fees for bags, fees to get through the line faster and fees for seats with extra leg room. US Airways even charged for soda and water for a few months until two passengers choked to death on stale peanuts and pretzels because they didn’t have the exact change for a bottle of water.
In order to save money some airlines have gone a step further and are thinking about cutting out some of the extra space in planes. (extra space – it was must be in the cockpit or hidden in First Class.)
Things are so tight when you pull your seat upright, you barely miss resting your chin on the back of the seat in front of you. When you buckle your seat belt you can’t bend over and store anything -much less everything -(including a small child) under your seat. Then, when the plane makes a rough landing, everthing slides to the front and none of it is ever seen again, except possibly by the pilot and co-pilot when it stacks up outside their door.
One air line is now being sued because a stewardess offended a passenger when she told her to put her snack tray up. She was so busy collecting dirty cups she didn’t notice it was the woman’s stomach.
Then there’s the game of who claims the armrest. The trick is to put your elbow on the armrest without touching the other person’s. It can’t be done. You can only hope the passenger will fall asleep and you can knock his arm off without him falling out of his seat.
One of the top priority areas in the plane coming under scrutiny are the bathrooms. ( Surely they jest.) Standing on the lid of the toilet to reach the paper towels is bad enough. Add a little turbulence and you’re knocked through the door into the aisle. Which wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for upsetting the drink carts. Which is a major. Some passengers have nothing else to look forward to except the drink cart. (some people get so excited when they see it inching down the aisle they speak out of turn and ruin the rhythm of the whole thing. This leaves the attendants only three seconds to get everyone served.)
Some passengers extend out into the aisle making it impossible for the drink cart to get by. These oversized travelers have to either climb into the storage bin above or put their legs (or whatever is extending) in the lap of the passenger sitting next to them. And pity the poor person with an overactive bladder. They’re always the ones that choose a window seat so they can climb over everybody. I’ve never seen one sit in an aisle seat. Invariably the drink cart is in the way of these frantic passengers trying to make it to the “unoccupied” sign before it changes to “occupied. ” They stand waiting in the aisle while the attendant serves at least three more rows before they begin stepping over passengers sitting in aisle seats, to get to the magic door.
The question is, how are they going to configure the plane without messing with the First Class section, which everyone knows is sacred space. Few of us really know what goes on in the front of the plane once that blue curtain is pulled. We know the people in those seats are either retired congressman, business executives and their wives on an expense account, vacationing traffic controllers, NFL players or someone on the way to appear on the Oprah show. Passengers in Economy, Super Saver and Frequest Flyer seats fantasize about what goes on once that curtain is snapped shut. They think the flights are shorter, luggage is never lost, the flight attendants are better looking, the bathrooms are large enough to stand upright in when you shut the door and there’s so much extra space a person can recline his seat without embedding the snack table tray into the stomach of the passenger behind him.
What the airlines can’t seem to fix are the arrival and departure schedules. Late arrivals are a given anymore and even if your plane is on time, you’re arrived too late at a terminal on the other side of the airport, to make it to your connecting plane. There are a number of standard excuses for these delayed flights. “We seem to be missing a crew. They arrived late last night and haven’t rested the required time between flights.” (why don’t they just say they’re sitting in the wrong plane somewhere) Then there’s the one that always makes you feel more secure: “We’re missing a part and can’t close the luggage door but we’re checking around to see if we can find one.” (are they going to remove it from another plane and will another plane borrow one of your parts before you can take off?) or the old standby, “We were waiting for late-arriving baggage.” (That one would shame Pinocheo)
And then there is the security issue. Everyone knows the first place a terrorist thinks of to hide his gun is in the sole of his shoe. Removing shoes in a security check in line can be traumatic for some passengers, especially women. For one thing most of them are wearing a pair that are a size too small and once they take those babies off, there’s no getting them back on. I’ve seen people miss their flight because they are sitting there trying to squeeze their feet back into the shoes. I haven’t heard a pilot use that one for an excuse yet. “We’re waitinig on a few passengers who are having trouble squeezing their feet back into their shoes,’ would you please check and be sure you are wearing the shoes you left home with.”
Obviously we put up with and forgive airlines for anything just so we can climb on board and fly again when we need to.
THE BOTTOM LINE: Have you ever seen a hotel courtesy van waiting to pick up a guest at a bus terminal?
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Haven’t we all been there! Good blog, Peggy. Keep up the good work! Sandra Bobzien