JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

I thought all the surgery was behind me. I thought I was done with all of the poking and prodding and painful wounds. God thought different. Yesterday I had surgery 27 at Mercy Hospital. Not a fun way to spend your day, trust me.

I arrived at Mercy at the scheduled time and hobbled into the main patient entrance. I approached an elderly volunteer who looked like Stan Lee. I told him I needed to be admitted. He told me I was in the wrong place and had to walk (hobble) over to outpatient surgery. Having had surgery there numerous times I thought I was in the right place. Nope. As I thanked him I realized I sounded like God. Not because I am, but rather I was standing beneath a dome in the entry way that made my voice echo all around me. It’s pretty cool. I suggest you hop in your car, go to Mercy Hospital and find the dome then say cool, God like, things. I’m not sure how Mercy security would like a bunch of people showing up to hear what it sounds like if they were God, but there’s only one way to find out.

I hobbled over to outpatient surgery with my good friend B-Mac, who I’m positive had much better things to do with his day off than be at a hospital. He remarked I had quite the “pimp limp” going on so he decided to rock the pimp limp too. We looked like a couple of Irish gangsters if by gangster you mean dork. And I do.

We walked into the surgery section and it was loud. Like restaurant loud. People of all different social backgrounds speaking at a volume as though they were the only ones in the room. It was disconcerting to hear this kind of unintelligible chatter outside of a high school cafeteria.

I checked in and they informed me my surgery time had been moved up and I was to go immediately into surgery. Good for me but bad for whomever cleared the spot I was taking. I always think about the doctors when that happens. “Well I’ve got three cases today. Gonna be a long….what? Mr. Jenkins just died? Sweet. I’m gonna get out of here sooner than I thought.”

They took me back to the pre-op area where I changed into the “Demoralizer 2000″ brand hospital gown. I just made that name up but it fits. Trust me. I was sitting in the hospital bed when in walked a member of the nursing staff.

If I may get off the subject of my getting sliced and diced again, to say something about the nurses at Mercy Hospital. They are hot. Is it because they have an education? Yes. Is it because being caring and compassionate is a vital part of their chosen career field so I assume they are that way in real life as well? Yes. Is it the scrubs? Yes. Almost every single nurse that has worked on me is hot. Some would say, “Why don’t you throw your pimp game down on one of these nurses and be super smooth?” to which I would reply, “I’m pretty self conscious around pretty women while wearing normal clothes, so to be smooth while wearing nothing but a hospital gown, purple socks, and a hair net while waiting to have my 27th surgery isn’t going to happen. Besides, I don’t have a pimp game. At all.” Aside from my not being smooth with the ladies, the next time you see a nurse take notice of the rocks they sport. Someone sealed that deal long ago with these women. To those men I say kudos. Also, these women work with doctors all day and I can’t compete with that. I’m smart, but not doctor smart. I have money, but not doctor money. Anyway. Nurses are hot. That’s all I have to say about that.

So I’m sitting in the pre-op area and Hotty McRedScrubs comes in to get my IV going. That’s not her real name, but since I don’t remember it, that’s what I’m going with. She tried to get an IV in my left hand. No good. Tried in my right. No good. They finally had to get the anaesthesiologist in to get the vein in my wrist. So today my hands are a bit swollen and sore what with all the needle prodding. I could never do heroin. Not so much because drugs are bad and no one who uses heroin is a winner, but I’m not a fan of needles. I don’t freak out when I see them, they just hurt, and, call me crazy, I’m not into pain. At all.

They finally get the IV in and the surgery nurse, Hotty McPinkScrubs wheels me into the operating room. I don’t remember her name either. Sorry. I get wheeled into the cold and bright operating room and laugh to myself thinking the operating room shares the same attributes as my ex girlfriend. I move from the bed with wheels to the operating table. Here I am laying face down and naked with a staff of five or six people attaching things to me, strapping me down, putting an oxygen mask on me, when I begin to let my mind wander. I start to think about how many people died on that exact spot. I start to think about how the medical staff has got a zillion better things to see than my nakedness sprawled out like a buffet of scarred flesh. Then I notice a white liquid going through my IV and know I’m not about to not think much of anything.

Or so I thought.

I was awake for the entire procedure. I was under conscious sedation, but usually I don’t remember a thing. I remember everything this time. It was weird. I felt the Ladocane injections which is like someone injecting you with what feels like boiling lava for a couple of seconds. I could see the reflection of myself in a glass window and the doctor slicing away. I felt the pulling of the flesh. I could feel everything. It wasn’t painful, just really weird. The staff was very professional and I remarked that this is the second weekend in a row my doctor was kicking off by working on me. It’s hard to crack jokes with an oxygen mask on your face strapped to a table while a staff comprised of doctors and hot nurses cuts you open.

When the procedure was over I was wheeled into the post op area. Once I drank my Diet Coke, ate some crackers, and Hotty McRedScrubs took my IV out I was ready to go. My friend B-Mac pulled his car up and I left.

I’m not sure when all of this will end. I’ve been dealing with the same thing for almost two years now. It’s painful. Surgery is my least favorite thing in the world. I think for someone who’s been through what I’ve been through, I’m in relatively good spirits. I’ve learned a lot through all of this. I’m a good man. I realize what matters in life and what doesn’t. I’m blessed to have a good family and good friends who care about me and how I”m doing. I know that I’ll get through this and I’ll live the life everyone should. A life where what one does isn’t as important as who one is. It’s all in how you treat people. When all is said and done no one is going to care what jokes I told or how much money I had. I want people to remember me as someone who was a good person who wanted nothing but good for those he cared for. I love a lot of people and a lot of people love me. That’s all that matters.

Also, I’ve realized nurses are hot.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Old School Rules by Dangerdoom featuring Talib Kweli - Best use of horns since I staved off a grizzly bear attack armed only with a tuba.

MOVIE - Finding Nemo - Because it’s awesome. That’s why.

BEST OKC BLOG - www.thelostogle.com - I cannot stress how much better this blog is than anything you’ve ever read by me. That’s not hard to accomplish, I know, but humor me.

- Joel

www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

One my my favorite artists of all time has tied the knot. Jay-Z married longtime girlfriend Beyonce last night. I was there. I should know.

Here’s to hoping a pre-nup was signed. I’m not saying anything bad about Beyonce but her money isn’t gonna go near as far as Jay’s. I’m just saying I hope they don’t turn into the hip-hop Paul McCartney and Hoppy, the most harmful woman to “walk” into Paul’s wife since Yoko.

Throwin’ up the nuptial roc.

- Joel

My friend Tyler and I decided what better way to get into the wonderful world of radio than by pranking a popular morning show personality. We went to Wal-Mart, bought a helium tank and about a thousand balloons and went up to the radio station.We took banners from one of the radio stations, wrapped KC Sheperd’s cubicle and filled it with both helium and air filled balloons. Why? Because Tyler and I have no life.

Here’s the aftermath.

- Joel

Reuters reported yesterday Oklahoma City born AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson as saying he just can’t seem to find skilled workers in the United States to do jobs the company has exported to India. “We’re having trouble finding the numbers that we need with the skills that are required to do these jobs,” said Randy. The corporate goal was to have 5000 jobs returned to the United States from India. To date only 1400 have been returned. That means AT&T only needs 3600 skilled people and the problem is solved. This is just the opportunity I need to advance within the company!

Some would see Randy’s comments as offensive because in a not so subtle way he’s not only stating the American workforce is subpar, but he’s also justifying sending jobs to another country over giving those jobs to people he’s laid off. I don’t see it that way because just like Randy I see opportunity where others see something abhorrent.

Since Randy is having such a tough time finding work I figure I’d help him, and you, the unskilled American worker. If you, or someone like you, needs a job, go ahead and e-mail your resume to randall.stephenson@att.com. If you don’t have a computer go ahead and mail your information to

CEO Randall Stephenson
c/o

AT&T Corporate Headquarters
32 Avenue of the Americans
New York, N.Y. 10013-2412

The company is now based in San Antonio but I’m pretty sure they forwarded their mail.

All we need is 3600 people to apply as skilled workers and we’re doing the company a great service. Tell your friends who are looking for a job.

I’m just trying to help.

- Joel

Also, I didn’t get his e-mail address from my office. I found it on Yahoo! Calm down corporate security.

Meet Randall Stephenson. He’s the CEO of the company I work for. To avoid any trouble I better not reveal what company it is. Let’s just say it contains the letters A,T,and T in the name. It was recently revealed he earned roughly $18 million dollars in 2007. Keep in mind the company has laid people off over the past year. For $18 million dollars you could employ someone who makes $40 thousand dollars a year for 450 years or 450 people for a year. You get the point.

To break it down for you, he made a bonus of over $600k, $3.85 million in performance based pay and stock options valued at $12.2 million. He also received $89,919 for personal use of the jet because I think we all know regular planes aren’t good enough what with their forcing someone to be around regular people. He also received $15,455 for home security. I’m pretty sure you can get Brinks for like $200.00 a month. Someone should tell him he’s being ripped off.

So what is my point? I have no problem with anyone making their own way in this world and I admire anyone who becomes successful. I do not however respect anyone who gained success on the backs of those who actually do work for a living rife with menial labor as opposed to one where generous amounts of ass kissing gets the job done. Any man who accepts that much money heading a company where people with families are laid off and left with nothing needs to really examine if he’s worth it. (hint - he’s not)

I understand a company is in business to make money. I understand sometimes staff needs to be let go. I understand there is a huge responsibility in running a large company, but how much is enough? At what point will these people understand when it is revealed they make more money than most working people will see in their entire lives it obliterates the notion of a work ethic. For every extra hour worked, for every extra effort given there is someone else profiting from it.

I’m not asking anyone to give any money back, or even saying this isn’t a reasonable amount of money to make as long as the employees are taken care of and the company is continuing to make money. As soon as people have to stop paying exorbitant amounts for their cell phone bills, and they get cell service that works on their $400.00 iPhone and employees are treated with the respect and dignity they deserve, people shouldn’t be making $18 million dollars.

That’s just the opinion of a working class, probably soon to be unemployed, working American. I’d rather be broke with integrity than making a fortune by taking food from children’s mouths.

RIGHT NOW

MOVIE - No Country for Old Men - Brilliant. I can’t say much more than that about it.

SONG - Piece of Me by Britney - Even though she’s gone off the deep end, she still makes catchy music. It’s crap and I know it. I should be ashamed.

- Joel

I just saw story on cnn about a young boy, Hunter Winship, suffering from cancer. He wants to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for receiving the most paper airplanes. All you’ve got to do is make a plane, write the name of the state and country on a wing, maybe a message wishing him well, and send it. That’s it. The goal is to get a million paper airplanes.

It will make your day because doing something as small as mailing a paper airplane will make a kid happy and that’s one of the greatest things anyone can do.

Send your planes to

The Airplane Cancer Goal

11227 North Hill Road

Freedom NY 14065

- Joel

“I actually got away with it! Hehe. Suckers.”

I’m not cool. I know it. You know it. Anyone with functioning senses knows it. I say this because I’m about to talk about something I should have talked about a lot sooner. Juno.

Juno is the story of a young girl faced with pregnancy and giving her baby up for adoption. Juno generated an incredibly popular soundtrack. Juno is the movie that got a best picture nod at the Oscars this year. Juno is one of the most obnoxious movies to ever grace the silver screen.

See, Juno, though young, has the wise crackin’ sensibility of a forty year old private eye from a movie made in the forties. She’s never at a loss for some snappy repartee with any one of the equally shallow characters she comes in contact with. This includes Michael Cera, Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner. The last two play the adoptive parents. But guess what! They’re in a loveless marriage because he can’t let his dreams of being a musician die! Yowza!

Usually it takes a mere few minutes of dialog to determine whether or not a movie is gonna be crap. This one was no exception. When the line, “Honest to blog?” was uttered I almost threw a brick at the screen. Being brickless at the time made it difficult to achieve though. Lesson learned, I’ll now carry a brick with me whenever I go see a movie with Ellen Page in it again, which will be never, so we’re safe.

I shouldn’t have been surprised a movie written by a former stripper was subpar. Strippers aren’t known for their keen communication skills. This movie, much like real strippers, was shallow and obnoxious, appreciated by many and hated by me. The good news is we can expect another movie ‘from the writer who brought you Juno’ which will be equally obnoxious and won’t do near as well as Juno because some studio executive thought it wise to give a three picture deal to an ex-stripper after the fluke success of Juno. Yeah. Giving loads of money to strippers never ends badly.

I know people who thought this was one of the best movies ever made. I’d like for those people to watch it again in five years and see how well the pop savvy dialog holds up. It won’t. People will look back and wonder why such accolades were heaped upon such a pile of pretentious.

People who do like it can’t seem to give me a reason why they like it. “Uh, it was funny?” or “It was sweet?” Imagine taking a road trip with Juno that lasts longer than ten minutes without being overcome with a sudden urge to push her out of the car around mile one. You can’t. If you can you’re more tolerant a human being than I.

“You don’t get it man. That movie was awesome!” No. It. Wasn’t.

Honest to blog.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel - A song full of angsty hope. Yes. There is such a thing.

MOVIE - Not Juno. Cripes.

- Joel

I know a lot of gay people. All of these people are sinners. Every single one of them. Ask Sally Kern.

In an effort to help my gay friends stop sinning, I suggest they go to church. “But where should I and all of my friends go to church?” Well I’ll tell you imaginary gay friend.

Olivet Baptist Church. I can’t recommend this enough. This church is understanding and caring. I suggest to my gay friends, they gather up all of their gay friends and go to the 10:50am service this Sunday the 16th. I suggest this might be the best way to atone for your sinful behavior. Just gather up all of your equally gay, lesbian, drag queen friends and go to church. It’s free and it’ll save your soul.

That’s Olivet Baptist Church this Sunday at 10:50 am. Make sure to get there early for a good seat! If you’re soul isn’t the only thing that’s getting lost, I’ve included a link to map.

- Joel

Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you. - Leviticus 11:12

We have a problem in this country. A problem that is creeping into the hearts and minds of children and taking them prisoner! The problem? The lobster agenda.

This agenda is responsible for trying to get people to view eating lobsters as acceptable! Yeah! You read that right! I never thought I’d see such a horrible thing in my life time, yet here it is. Right in front of our faces. It’s there at the popular eating establishment Red Lobster. Even Long John Silver’s sells Lobster Bites! You can’t turn on a kid’s movie involving undersea creatures without seeing these so called ‘delicious’ abominations! Their claws just reaching out for our children to pinch them with their lobster agenda grasp. This is an agenda that is harmful to our country and at the heart of it, our children’s souls.

I propose we boycott all restaurants, movies and grocery stores that exhibit any type of sympathy towards the lobster agenda. This can include displaying lobsters, selling any lobster related item or displaying any lobster paraphernalia. Why should the children of this nation be exposed to such abominations? As you read this there are cooking classes in some of our schools promoting the preparation and consumption of lobsters. Get the lobster agenda out of our schools!

The bible clearly states these creatures to be an abomination yet the mainstream liberal media and the Hollywood left is trying to get us to accept lobsters as though they are perfectly normal. God made Adam and Eve not Adam and lobster. Wait. I guess He did make the lobster. Hmm. Well he didn’t make it so you could eat it you filthy abomination loving lobster eater enabler!

I know some of you will say “Well I have many friends who eat lobsters.” or “I myself eat lobster.” to which I respond by saying I’m glad I’m here to pull the lobster fleece from off your eyes and show you the truth! Sure there is a war going on, elderly people suffering, and any other host of distractions from this evil that is the lobster agenda. Why should you worry about what someone else wants to put in their body? Because it’s destroying this nation! History shows any society who has embraced the consumption of lobster doesn’t last more than a few decades. I’m not sure where in history, but I’m sure it’s there somewhere. I don’t need history books though because I have the bible, the greatest and most manipulated book ever written. See I can take what I proclaim to be god’s word and pick and choose what to believe. Sure I plant different crops in the same land, have shaken the hand of a menstruating woman and even work on the Sabbath but I don’t have to believe ALL of the bible. I just believe the parts that make it easier to justify my hate.

So down with lobsters!

- Joel