I’m not cool. I know it. You know it. Anyone with functioning senses knows it. I say this because I’m about to talk about something I should have talked about a lot sooner. Juno.
Juno is the story of a young girl faced with pregnancy and giving her baby up for adoption. Juno generated an incredibly popular soundtrack. Juno is the movie that got a best picture nod at the Oscars this year. Juno is one of the most obnoxious movies to ever grace the silver screen.
See, Juno, though young, has the wise crackin’ sensibility of a forty year old private eye from a movie made in the forties. She’s never at a loss for some snappy repartee with any one of the equally shallow characters she comes in contact with. This includes Michael Cera, Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner. The last two play the adoptive parents. But guess what! They’re in a loveless marriage because he can’t let his dreams of being a musician die! Yowza!
Usually it takes a mere few minutes of dialog to determine whether or not a movie is gonna be crap. This one was no exception. When the line, “Honest to blog?” was uttered I almost threw a brick at the screen. Being brickless at the time made it difficult to achieve though. Lesson learned, I’ll now carry a brick with me whenever I go see a movie with Ellen Page in it again, which will be never, so we’re safe.
I shouldn’t have been surprised a movie written by a former stripper was subpar. Strippers aren’t known for their keen communication skills. This movie, much like real strippers, was shallow and obnoxious, appreciated by many and hated by me. The good news is we can expect another movie ‘from the writer who brought you Juno’ which will be equally obnoxious and won’t do near as well as Juno because some studio executive thought it wise to give a three picture deal to an ex-stripper after the fluke success of Juno. Yeah. Giving loads of money to strippers never ends badly.
I know people who thought this was one of the best movies ever made. I’d like for those people to watch it again in five years and see how well the pop savvy dialog holds up. It won’t. People will look back and wonder why such accolades were heaped upon such a pile of pretentious.
People who do like it can’t seem to give me a reason why they like it. “Uh, it was funny?” or “It was sweet?” Imagine taking a road trip with Juno that lasts longer than ten minutes without being overcome with a sudden urge to push her out of the car around mile one. You can’t. If you can you’re more tolerant a human being than I.
“You don’t get it man. That movie was awesome!” No. It. Wasn’t.
Honest to blog.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel - A song full of angsty hope. Yes. There is such a thing.
MOVIE - Not Juno. Cripes.
- Joel
April 20th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
YOU SUCK