JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Today I was bestowed something that will bring me luck. An item that holds powers beyond limitation. An item that now bestowed to me will rub off and change my life forever. I truly believe this.

A good friend of mine was able to get me Bill Clinton’s autograph. He is one of the greatest presidents of all time, sorry most of Oklahoma. I know he’s not George W. Bush but the country was in damn good shape when he left office. Yes he lied. That’s bad. However, he certainly had nothing to do with the war, Katrina, Enron, 9-11, the failing economy or any other of the horrible things our current leader is associated with.

I love Bill Clinton. I do. I think him stumping for his wife isn’t so much he wants her to be president so much as he wants the house to himself now and again. “I need this America. Please dear god in heaven I need some Bill time.”

I do think now I’ve got the power of Bill, my life is going to change for the better. Despite my respect of President Clinton, I ’m still gonna Barack the vote on Tuesday. I’ll vote for Hillary if she gets the nomination, because no matter who the GOP traipses in front of the nation, they can’t beat Hillary. Not by a long shot. It’s just a matter of getting Barack in there and the best way to do that is get him to win on Tuesday. I feel strongly it’s going to happen.

That having been said, watch out world for my new found power of the Bill.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - New York City Girls by Matthew Alvin Brown off the album Rainbow Around the Sun -  Matthew is a dear friend of mine and one of the most talented people I’ve ever met. If you see his album pick it up and give it a listen. It’s great. You can check out his My Space here to listen to some tracks from his album.

MOVIE - American Psycho - Best Christian Bale movie not involving the Batmobile.(I would have said Rainbow Around the Sun but I have yet to see it. Every time I’m supposed to, I have surgery. Damn you surgery!)

BARACK THE VOTE TUESDAY OKLAHOMA! REMEMBER HE NEVER VOTED FOR THE WAR! WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?!

There are many things I haven’t done in my life that I expect to illicit a surprised reaction from people. These include not having been on a date in over five years, not being able to find a hat to fit my head and my not having been to Toby Keith’s bar. Despite those mentioned previously there is one thing I haven’t done in my life that gets the most dramatic reaction from people when they find out. A reaction that would make one think I’d just told them I’d never eaten cheese or seen the sun. A reaction that makes people stare at me with a sense of confused wonderment as though I’ve just revealed I’m not from this time at all but rather I’ve jettisoned forward from a time and place beyond comprehension. The revelation? I’ve never seen Goonies.

I mentioned this facet of my personality to my friend Jason Black today and you would have thought I’d told him I had everything to do with 9-11. He’s not the first to respond to this news in such a manner. He was the first person today, but as luck would have it, not the last.

As I’m having surgery 23 tomorrow, I decided to stop by Blockbuster to get a couple of DVD’s. In order to remedy the social disorder one’s not having seen Goonies gives someone, I decided to rent it. I took it to the counter and the guy behind the counter remarked, “Goonies. Good movie.” he then quoted a line and I said, “Actually I haven’t seen it.” at which point he, the girl behind the counter with him and another girl nowhere near this exchange ALL started laughing at me at the same time. One of the girls said, “You’ve never seen Goonies?!” I said, “No. But I’m renting it to avoid this reaction.” She went on to explain she wasn’t laughing at me but never explained what she was laughing at. I took my movie and left having been the social leper because of my Goonies-less past.

This changes tomorrow! I’ll be watching Goonies tomorrow and banishing the taunts from strangers and friends alike because of my not having seen this apparently cinematic benchmark of entertainment. I don’t care if it’s the worst movie ever made, I’ll no longer be known as the guy whose never seen Goonies. Now to get a hold of a copy of Gremlins. No. I’ve never seen Gremlins. I’ve also never seen Ghostbusters. Cripes.

Here we go again.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Dory Previn by Camera Obscura - The lead singers voice is pleasantly haunting. It’s a stark contrast to the jeers from the Blockbuster staff.

MOVIE - I’m not even gonna put one here until I see Goonies.

Barack the vote.

- Joel

For some reason my car has been a magnet for uninitiated violence. Last week my roommate hit it when it was parked in the driveway. Saturday night I was at a friend’s house and he backed his Tahoe into it. Again, parked in a driveway. Prior to my getting it the Lord hit it with a slew of hail. I’m not sure what my car did in a former life but it can’t have been good.

Moving on.

Part of my job with the radio station is going to OK Corral, a Mexican dance club. I spend my time in the DJ booth with the talent as she does live on air cut ins for the live broadcast. For three hours I stand in the DJ booth listening to music I don’t understand because I don’t speak Spanish. I can’t decide if it’s a bunch of short songs that sound the same or one really long song. Either way it’s a good thing I can tolerate music with horns and accordions. It’s also the longest amount of time I listen to that music without being served some sort of delicious Mexican meal. However, and I cannot truly express this enough, I have never seen more attractive women in one place in my life. It’s like the women from Spanish television show up to hang out and by that I mean taunt me with their beauty. Damned Spanish speaking hot ladies!

Moving on.

The actor who played Sam the Butcher on The Brady Bunch died this past weekend. I grew up with The Brady Bunch so it kind of made me sad. I’m reminded of the Beastie Boys line “Like Sam the Butcher bringin’ Alice the meat.” RIP Sam.

Suzanne Pleshette also died this past weekend. She was truly one of the funnier actresses to have ever been on television. Sorry Debra Messing.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

Also, this is the only place on the entire internet where a picture of Sam the Butcher appears on the same page as a picture with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I’m glad I could accomplish that.

Barack the vote.

- Joel

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The Lord checkmated chess great Bobby Fischer today. Sorry Chess nerds.

- Joel

I put my iPod on shuffle and you’re graced with pithy commentary. It’s like Christmas for your brain. Well, more like Arbor Day.

Back to the Ground by Jamie Cullum - Jamie Cullum is great. His music makes me want to sit in a dark bar drinking a gin martini while sitting in a haze of second hand cigarette smoke as the gorgeous blonde in the corner with a smile that could stop a man from breathing just glares at me. Damn. Even in my fantasies I get rejected.

Jesus Wrote a Blank Check by Cake - I wonder who Jesus banks with.

Yankee Bayonet by the Decemberists - This song shares a title with a nickname for a part of Derek Jeter I never need to see.

Love is not Enough by NIN - I like Trent Reznor but I wish he’d be a little happier. Sure angst makes for good music but you’ve got to do something joyous now and again. Sheesh.

Learn to Live With What You Are by Ben Folds - If Ben Folds and Trent Reznor worked together on a project the world might just implode.

Bread and Butter by The Roots - The Roots are THE most underrated hip-hop act working today. Any group who name checks Orson Welles is alright by me. So there ya go Roots. You’ve got the Joel stamp of approval.

Abortion Doctor From Hell by David Cross - It’s a bit about John Ashcroft so don’t let the name fool you. It’s a great bit.

Take California by Propellerheads - I’d take California no questions asked. Where I’d take it and what I’d do with it are my business.

- Joel

Let’s say I want to organize meetings. Let’s say I want to meet with a bunch of strangers in a room where we listen to another human, with no special powers or exceptional insight into anything other than a popular book, speak for an hour or so about how we should live our lives. Let’s say this individual regales us with fantastic stories about a man he’s never met and a place he’s never been but is sure we’ll all go if we agree with the methodology of his teachings. Let’s say we’re able to exclude complete strangers because they don’t go to the same meetings or adhere to the same things we’ve been told to adhere to in order to avoid evil things befalling us. Let’s say this building is decorated both inside and out with depictions of violent acts and images of people being killed.

Let’s say I call it church.

There’s a video going around the internet right now Tom Cruise did for Scientology. In it he talks about his passion for his religion. I’m going to take a largely unpopular stance and suggest we leave Tom alone. I mean we’re judging this guy because he talks about his religion a little too fervently and we think he’s nuts? Let’s examine some other people I think should be considered a little nuts using the same Tom Cruise formula.

- Oral Roberts claimed a 900 foot Jesus told him to build some buildings. He did it and was only able to do so with the support of people turning over their money to him. Tom Cruise hasn’t asked me for any money in the name of his god.

- Hobby Lobby owner donates $70 million dollars to failing Oral Roberts University. I guess doing the Lord’s work involves ignoring poor and hungry people. Take that starving African kids!

- A group of terrorists highjack airplanes full of people then crash them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon because they believe they’re doing the Lord’s work.

- “The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, ‘You helped this happen.’” - Jerry Falwell September 13th, 2001 discussing the September 11th attacks on Pat Robertson’s 700 Club. That beats jumping on Oprah’s couch. I’m no medical expert but I’m sure Falwell died because his fat heart stopped and not because his fat heart had an abortion or was gay.

I know to defend someone by pointing out the faults of others is not the way to do it. I’m not defending Tom Cruise at all. I’m just saying maybe he’s not as crazy as you think. He jumped on a couch for some girl? I’ve done stupider things than that when in love. I gift wrapped cheese once for crying out loud. He talks about his religion? Pay attention to Mike Huckabee and how he believes the Earth is only 6000 years old, despite proof to the contrary, how he wants to change the constitution to define marriage, because gays marrying is way worse than any war we might be in, all because of his religion.

Let’s say Tom’s a little off. Let’s say he believes in the return of aliens and in the impending doom of the Earth because of a dark lord. A religion based on the return of something and a battle with a dark lord? That doesn’t sound familiar at all. Not in the least.

I’m not gonna post some Chris Crocker style Britney rant about Tom, though I should because I could use the money and exposure. I’m just saying maybe he’s not nuts. Maybe he’s just a guy who believes what he believes so strongly he’s not ashamed of it. He should be commended for not caring what others think. You’ve got to give him that.

Besides, Top Gun was awesome and we all know it. You can’t hate Maverick.

- Joel

This movie reminded me of Sweet November. The movie not the month.

Remember when your girlfriend dragged you to see Sweet November with Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves? Remember how you couldn’t wait for Charlize’s character to die because that meant the movie would be over? Remember hating every second of that movie because you spent the entire time wondering how you ended up in a two and half year long relationship with someone so beautiful yet so inept at entertainment choices you wanted to break up right then but couldn’t because you thought you might get some sympathy loving for having to sit through what can best be described as an hour and a half of pure trash? I think I got too specific there.

See Shoot Em Up. Guys will like this movie and women won’t. There. That was a lot easier on the typing fingers than that first paragraph of past relationship angst.

Also, Monica Bellucci is my future wife of the week. I have lots of future wives.

Enjoy.

- Joel

Tulsa was great. The week went well and both Rob Little and Adam Hammer were great guys to work with.

While in Tulsa I went to the buildings formerly known as the City of Faith. The City of Faith was originally intended to be a towering monument to philanthropic endeavor but now sits as a decaying testament to decadence. It’s pathetic and shame on the Roberts family for letting it get to that point.

Rob, Adam and I walked right into the building and went up to the 59th floor. Thanks “tight security”. The decor hasn’t changed since the eighties. It’s like the entire building got stuck in time and forgotten about. And yes. That’s shag carpet. The building is falling apart. The facade is cracking and the inside is old and pathetic. Not unlike it’s founding family. The signs from when it was once a hospital remain as a grim reminder of failure I suppose.

It was announced yesterday ORU would accept a $70 million dollar gift from the family that owns Hobby Lobby. Hobby Lobby pays it’s employees around $6.50 an hour. I think Jesus would have taken a large amount of money and given it to a money pit of a college instead of the working poor. This is assuming Jesus was a selfish company owner.

I could go on about how people falling back on the name of God to victimize themselves is pathetic. I could say someone who is donating $70 million made on the backs of those making $6.50 an hour is less a testament to philanthropy for the sake of one’s beliefs and more a gesture of blind indoctrination and selfishness. I won’t say any of those things because it just makes me think of the plight of those with a true desire to good for their beliefs and how much harder it is when your god isn’t green with a dead president on it.

- Joel

I’m writing this as I sit in the Tulsa International Airport. I’m here to pick up comedian Rob Little whom I will be working with this week at the Tulsa Loony Bin. That’s why I’m here and why OKC seems a little less funny in my absence.

Tulsa is like Edmond XL. Not big on substance but huge on restaurants and other things soccer moms like to do to make themselves forget they live in Tulsa. So far the most entertaining thing I’ve heard is a middle aged couple behind me. This is the conversation they just had, verbatim. They have just gotten a bag of M&M’s out of a vending machine.

WOMAN : Well how many do you want?

MAN : Whatever. I don’t care.

WOMAN: No. How many do you want?

MAN : I said I don’t care.

WOMAN: Don’t be silly. Of course you care. How many do you want?

MAN : As many as YOU think I should have since you’re so hung up on the number of M&M’s I should eat!

Marriage is great.

- Joel