It’s cold and icy outside which is a great excuse to post a picture of Vanilla Ice. Really, any excuse to see Rob Van Winkle’s goofy looking face is enough for me.
Let’s talk about what I did this weekend. You don’t want to? You don’t want to because you can’t read this because you don’t have power? Well I do! I’m like SNAP! because I’ve got the power! Well that makes two lame music references from the nineties in one paragraph which equals one lame Joel. You’re welcome.
Friday night I went to the Wormy Dog in Bricktown and passed out t-shirts and stickers for the radio station I work for. Saturday I went to Crossroads mall and a car dealership with the same station and ended up back at the Wormy Dog Saturday night. It was my first weekend with my new part time job and I had fun. I enjoy my part time job more than I enjoy my full time job because my full time job is like working in a prison. A prison shaped like a tall building full of embittered employees counting down the days until they retire like an inmate counts the days until he’s free. The only difference between prison and my job is I’m allowed to leave my job, sometimes, and there’s way less stabbings than you would find in prison.
The best part of my new job is riding around in a van with Jesus on the side of it. By Jesus I 
of course mean Toby Keith. He’s Christ like. Just ask him. He’ll tell you. Just like Toby’s head, the van was empty and cold. It’s not I’m a Toby fan, because I’m not, but I do love being able to slam a door, not just on his face, but a door that IS his face. It ain’t easy being Toby, just ask Toby. He’ll tell you. So if he ever reads this, and get’s all his feeling hurt, he’ll have someone write a song about me and how much he hates me until it becomes hip to NOT hate me at which time he’ll stop hating me. You’ve got to love someone whose personal beliefs are dictated by how many records those beliefs might sell. “I love Bush! Let’s get drunk!” Cha-ching. Five years later? “I don’t like Bush anymore. Let’s get drunk!” Cha-ching! Oh Toby, you are an American icon like Johnny Cash if Johnny Cash sucked.
I wrote in my previous column I would give holiday tips. I never specified what those tips might involve. One tip might be how to best shoplift meat logs from Hickory Farms while your friend distracts the temporary employee by trying to seduce her. “So. I see you like aprons and passing out cheese. Turns out I love both of those things too.” Actually, because it’s so cold I’m going to go ahead and suggest you go through your closet and take all of those old sweatshirts and coats you don’t need and give them to a homeless person. Don’t even bother with dropping them off at Goodwill. Skip the middle man and go directly to the person who needs it. I went through my closet tonight and am getting rid of some things tomorrow. Don’t know where to find a homeless person? Go downtown. The homeless person is the one who looks like a poorly dressed wizard pushing a shopping cart and shivering from the cold. Don’t confuse a homeless person with Grendock the unfashionable shopping cart wizard. That would be embarrassing for you.
Stay warm.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Santa Claus is Coming To Town by Bing Crosby off the Merry Christmas album. - This is the best Christmas album of all time. This and the Charlie Brown Christmas Special Soundtrack are all you need to get in the Christmas mood. Well, a tree, lights, gifts, loved ones, and generous amounts of nog help too.
MOVIE - A Charlie Brown Christmas - Best Christmas special ever. EVERY time I watch this special, I get emotional. It reminds me of being a kid and my family watching this special every year. This scene in particular makes me a little teary.
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- Joel Decker