I have been reading more than I normally do as of late. Thanks in whole to the writer’s strike and my wanting to add to the list of books I’ve read in my life which so far only has 4 on there and they’re all by Dr. Seuss.
I went to the library after working out last night and decided to peruse the biography section. I picked up a book about Abraham Lincoln and one about Howard Hughes. One was a crazy genius who saved his urine in milk jars and feared germs and the other was Howard Hughes. Take that Lincoln!
The biography section is right next to the religion section. I looked over the religion sections and saw a copy of the Holy Koran. What better book to go with a couple biographies than a holy book? I picked it up and decided I’d read it to see what all the hubbub is about.
I made my way to the self checkout desk and scanned the first two books and then scanned The Koran. A Koran scan if you will. When I did so, the computer screen turned bright red 
and I saw in big block letters “THIS ITEM HAS NOT BEEN CHECKED OUT! SEE ATTENDANT”. Maybe it was my error. Maybe I hadn’t mastered the complicated art of waving a bar code under a red light. I tried again. “THIS ITEM HAS NOT BEEN CHECKED OUT! SEE ATTENDANT”. Crap. It was at this moment I remembered hearing the NSA flags certain books if you try to check them out. Of course I heard this from Morgan Freeman in the movie Seven, but Morgan Freeman doesn’t lie. Everyone knows that.
For a split second I thought about going to the attendant but imagined a scenario where I ask to check it out and everyone in the library turns and looks at me with hate. I imagined the attendant saying she had to take my picture and fingerprints in order for me to check it out. I went ahead and took the copy back to the shelf.
I’m not sure why it didn’t scan, or why I had to see an attendant but it wigged me out a bit. I’m sure the NSA, FBI or Homeland Security now has my library card on file and probably thinks I’m up to something nefarious. It probably doesn’t happen with other books. “My god Jenkins! This Joel Decker fellow is checking out books about Howard Hughes and Abraham Lincoln. I guess that means he’s going to become an insane billionaire or free the slaves. We need to look into this!”
So if you don’t hear from me for awhile or some weird story comes out concerning me and trying to check a book out of the library, at least you’ll know what happened. If anyone gets mail from me with a Guantanamo return address, you’ll know why.
- Joel Decker