JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

It’s cold and icy outside which is a great excuse to post a picture of Vanilla Ice. Really, any excuse to see Rob Van Winkle’s goofy looking face is enough for me.

Let’s talk about what I did this weekend. You don’t want to? You don’t want to because you can’t read this because you don’t have power? Well I do! I’m like SNAP! because I’ve got the power! Well that makes two lame music references from the nineties in one paragraph which equals one lame Joel. You’re welcome.

Friday night I went to the Wormy Dog in Bricktown and passed out t-shirts and stickers for the radio station I work for. Saturday I went to Crossroads mall and a car dealership with the same station and ended up back at the Wormy Dog Saturday night. It was my first weekend with my new part time job and I had fun. I enjoy my part time job more than I enjoy my full time job because my full time job is like working in a prison. A prison shaped like a tall building full of embittered employees counting down the days until they retire like an inmate counts the days until he’s free. The only difference between prison and my job is I’m allowed to leave my job, sometimes, and there’s way less stabbings than you would find in prison.

The best part of my new job is riding around in a van with Jesus on the side of it. By Jesus I of course mean Toby Keith. He’s Christ like. Just ask him. He’ll tell you. Just like Toby’s head, the van was empty and cold. It’s not I’m a Toby fan, because I’m not, but I do love being able to slam a door, not just on his face, but a door that IS his face. It ain’t easy being Toby, just ask Toby. He’ll tell you. So if he ever reads this, and get’s all his feeling hurt, he’ll have someone write a song about me and how much he hates me until it becomes hip to NOT hate me at which time he’ll stop hating me. You’ve got to love someone whose personal beliefs are dictated by how many records those beliefs might sell. “I love Bush! Let’s get drunk!” Cha-ching. Five years later? “I don’t like Bush anymore. Let’s get drunk!” Cha-ching! Oh Toby, you are an American icon like Johnny Cash if Johnny Cash sucked.

I wrote in my previous column I would give holiday tips. I never specified what those tips might involve. One tip might be how to best shoplift meat logs from Hickory Farms while your friend distracts the temporary employee by trying to seduce her. “So. I see you like aprons and passing out cheese. Turns out I love both of those things too.” Actually, because it’s so cold I’m going to go ahead and suggest you go through your closet and take all of those old sweatshirts and coats you don’t need and give them to a homeless person. Don’t even bother with dropping them off at Goodwill. Skip the middle man and go directly to the person who needs it. I went through my closet tonight and am getting rid of some things tomorrow. Don’t know where to find a homeless person? Go downtown. The homeless person is the one who looks like a poorly dressed wizard pushing a shopping cart and shivering from the cold. Don’t confuse a homeless person with Grendock the unfashionable shopping cart wizard. That would be embarrassing for you.

Stay warm.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Santa Claus is Coming To Town by Bing Crosby off the Merry Christmas album. - This is the best Christmas album of all time. This and the Charlie Brown Christmas Special Soundtrack are all you need to get in the Christmas mood. Well, a tree, lights, gifts, loved ones, and generous amounts of nog help too.

MOVIE - A Charlie Brown Christmas - Best Christmas special ever. EVERY time I watch this special, I get emotional. It reminds me of being a kid and my family watching this special every year. This scene in particular makes me a little teary.

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- Joel Decker

I have been reading more than I normally do as of late. Thanks in whole to the writer’s strike and my wanting to add to the list of books I’ve read in my life which so far only has 4 on there and they’re all by Dr. Seuss.

I went to the library after working out last night and decided to peruse the biography section. I picked up a book about Abraham Lincoln and one about Howard Hughes. One was a crazy genius who saved his urine in milk jars and feared germs and the other was Howard Hughes. Take that Lincoln!

The biography section is right next to the religion section. I looked over the religion sections and  saw a copy of the Holy Koran. What better book to go with a couple biographies than a holy book? I picked it up and decided I’d read it to see what all the hubbub is about.

I made my way to the self checkout desk and scanned the first two books and then scanned The Koran. A Koran scan if you will. When I did so, the computer screen turned bright red and I saw in big block letters “THIS ITEM HAS NOT BEEN CHECKED OUT! SEE ATTENDANT”. Maybe it was my error. Maybe I hadn’t mastered the complicated art of waving a bar code under a red light. I tried again. “THIS ITEM HAS NOT BEEN CHECKED OUT! SEE ATTENDANT”. Crap. It was at this moment I remembered hearing the NSA flags certain books if you try to check them out. Of course I heard this from Morgan Freeman in the movie Seven, but Morgan Freeman doesn’t lie. Everyone knows that.

For a split second I thought about going to the attendant but imagined a scenario where I ask to check it out and everyone in the library turns and looks at me with hate. I imagined the attendant saying she had to take my picture and fingerprints in order for me to check it out. I went ahead and took the copy back to the shelf.

I’m not sure why it didn’t scan, or why I had to see an attendant but it wigged me out a bit. I’m sure the NSA, FBI or Homeland Security now has my library card on file and probably thinks I’m up to something nefarious. It probably doesn’t happen with other books. “My god Jenkins! This Joel Decker fellow is checking out books about Howard Hughes and Abraham Lincoln. I guess that means he’s going to become an insane billionaire or free the slaves. We need to look into this!”

So if you don’t hear from me for awhile or some weird story comes out concerning me and trying to check a book out of the library, at least you’ll know what happened. If anyone gets mail from me with a Guantanamo return address, you’ll know why.

- Joel Decker

I put my iPod on random and then write pithy comments about what’s being heard by me. Not that clever, but clever costs and I do this for free so be thankful.

Criminal by Fiona Apple from the album Tidal - She apparently wrote this song because she treated someone badly. At least the guy she treated bad got a cool song out of the deal. All I got when my girlfriend treated me bad was some cynicism and bruises.

Born Slippy by Underworld from the Trainspotting Soundtrack - This is the song that played at the end of Trainspotting. Trainspotting is about heroin use and I read where a family group stated it glorified drug use. I’m not sure if they stayed for the whole movie but after I watched Trainspotting I was leery about even taking aspirin. Call me weird but seeing a baby crawl across a ceiling isn’t appealing. Ever.

Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie from the album Hot Space - A good song. I would’ve considered it a great song had they not ripped off Vanilla Ice.

For all My N***** and B***** by Snoop Dogg featuring the Lady of Rage from Doggystyle -Whatever happened to the Lady of Rage? She rocked rough and stuff with her Afro puffs but I have a feeling she’s rocking rough and stuff at Long John Silvers now. “You want some muh f—- hush puppies?! Well?”

Inspiration Information by Shuggie Otis from the Six Feet Under soundtrack - People don’t have names like Shuggie anymore. Why not? I wish my name was Shuggie. “Sup ladies? I’m Shuggie.” Yeah, that doesn’t sound good at all. I take it back.

I’m A Slave For You by Britney Spears from the album Britney - How the hell did I get this? Seriously?! Great. Now my iPod probably caught white trash skank.

Two Step by Dave Matthews Band from the album Crash - This is Dave’s best album. It might not be my favorite but it’s his best. What is my favorite? Under the Table and Dreaming which was the soundtrack to my life for a good while but mostly because I spend a lot of time under tables dreaming.

Why Georgia by John Mayer from the album In Pieces - John Mayer has the biggest head I’ve ever seen. That’s nothing to do with his music, just thought you’d like to know. Here’s a picture of my friend Jason, who has a normal sized head, next to John Mayer. You make the call.

- Joel Decker

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves. - PHI 2:3

Tulsa minister Richard Roberts stepped down last week as head of Oral Roberts University, despite his telling CNN he wouldn’t resign. He didn’t resign because it was the right thing to do. He didn’t resign because of the various scandals brought to light in recent months by former staff members and faculty at ORU. No, rather he resigned because the Lord told him to. This would seem odd to anyone not familiar with the Lord’s direct line to the Roberts family, so let me give you some background.

In 1977, Oral, Richard’s father, claimed that a 900 foot tall Jesus told him to build the City of Faith, a medical facility that, according to giant Jesus, would be successful. The hospital only lasted 8 years. By all accounts Jesus wasn’t 900 feet tall so to be fair to Oral, it probably wasn’t Jesus. In all honesty I’d have done anything a 900 foot tall anyone told me to do, but I’d probably not tell the whole world in an effort to get them to turn over their money to me.

In 1983 Oral said the Lord told him to find a cure for cancer. Still waiting on that one Oral.

1987 was the year Oral stated the Lord would kill him if he didn’t raise 8 million dollars. Why the Lord needed 8 million dollars is beyond me. I guess 900 foot tall robes are expensive.

A year later the ORU board of regents approved an undisclosed amount of money to be used for Oral to buy a house in Beverly Hills and an exclusive golf club membership. Oral claims the Lord told him he needed a west coast office and could gain partners for his ministry by hobnobbing with the country club elite. Hobnobbing is my word, not the Lord’s.

In 2004, on Kenneth Copeland’s Believer’s Voice of Victory show, Oral said he had a vision of “Smoke, and vapor, and blood” appearing “in the clouds in the skies over New York City and the east part of the United States, and which hung there for quite some time and then spread out across America, without touching the ground, and then God diffused it away from America and sent it out to the nations of the earth…” Ha! Take that other nations! Have an imaginary bloody cloud, compliments of the Lord! Apparently Jesus is Lord over America, and that’s about it. I guess my bible is wrong.

Now the Lord phone has passed to Oral’s son Richard, who recently claims the Lord told him to quit his job. Take the Lord out of the equation and you’re left with a man who got caught. A man who knew he’d have to quit before he got fired. A man who was actually asked to resign. A man whose first wife left him because of the “…shameless way that she and Richard rationalized their jet-set way of life.” A man who more than likely will be found to have been taking university money for years. University money provided by people who really care about their soul. People who work hard to support something they believe in. People like my late father.

Growing up I was immersed in the so called ‘faith movement’. I watched Richard Roberts’ show everyday. I watched as he and his wife Lindsey claimed to heal people through the television set. Richard would look right into the camera and reach out. “I’m getting a tingling in my, in my left wrist….someone….someone has a…a cancer? A cancer. Yes. Cancer! I command you OUT of that wrist! Oh yes. Oh yes. I feel it. Yes. Yes. The Lord told me the cancer is GONE! It’s gone! Oh praise God! Praise the Lord.” I questioned it then just as I do now. Where were all these people who were getting healed? Why didn’t he ever have them on his show? Why were the only testaments to healing brought by way of a message from a phone prayer partner? “We just got a message from a woman who called in and said she had wrist cancer until I got the Lord’s message and now her wrist cancer is gone!” How a cancer patient got a diagnosis of remission in less than five minutes is beyond me.

My father was a smart man who never got the chance to live up to his potential. Despite his coming from a family rife with unrivaled discord and failure, he managed to escape that environment and religion played a big part in that. He believed the things he was told by those selling the Lord. He wasn’t a fool, he just believed, because his life was turned around by religion. My father wanted to be a doctor at the City of Faith. I remember my mom and dad scraping money together so he could fly to Tulsa from our small home in California. Not having money made it hard, but they managed to do it. They believed.

My dad returned from Tulsa with a new found hope. I remember his attitude was different and for the first time in a long time he had direction. He had hope. The plan was we would move to Tulsa, he’d attend college at ORU and become a doctor at the City of Faith. One thing lead to another, and as oft happens, life got in the way and by the time we moved to Oklahoma the City of Faith was long gone. A towering monument constructed to help those in need was now being leased out as office space. I have to believe this affected my father’s psyche on some level.

He died long before this most recent scandal. He didn’t have to see a man he admired crash and burn as so many in that line of work do. For that I’m thankful. No one needs to have their faith wavered by people who built it up. People who exploit other’s personal beliefs for financial gain are amongst the worst people to walk the planet.

Thankfully ORU has recently been given a gift of $70 million dollars by the owner of Mardel’s and Hobby Lobby. Take that homeless and uninsured people of the nation. The 700 Club’s Pat Robertson has offered to help as well. A man who agreed with Jerry Falwell that 9-11 was the result of America’s stance on homosexuals. Both Benny Hinn and Kenneth Copeland are on the board of regents at ORU because who better to advise on how to best exploit the poor and believing among us than two men who have made a career of it. Don’t forget about Ted Haggard, the minister who decried gay marriage then went and did meth and hooked up with a gay hooker. He graduated from ORU in 1978. ORU : Educating Charlatans since 1963.

I feel great empathy for those taken in. I feel the worst thing any of these so called bastions of moral fortitude can do is take money from the poor and unfortunate by offering up healing and soul saving. Anyone who uses one’s religion against them as a tool of manipulation is truly evil. Whether it’s convincing people to fly planes into buildings or give up their entire social security check because they’re convinced they’re doing God’s work should go ahead and get prepared for their special seat in hell.

-Joel Decker