JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

I’ve been busy doing nothing but watching this show. This is the funniest thing you’ll watch today. Click here and visit www.clarkandmichael.com , check out the site and watch some free entertainment while the comedy writers are on strike.

- Joel

If you decide to nuke a can of soup make sure to remember to place something over the bowl while the nuking commences. Just like the can states. Just like every other time you’ve nuked soup prior. Why? Because if you don’t it will create one hell of a chowdery mess in your microwave that will take about ten minutes to clean up.

This comes from experience. Very recent experience. Now my entire kitchen smells like what I imagine a fishing ship smells like assuming that fishing ship was on fire at some point.

Damn you delicious chowder craving!

- Joel

Here is my goofy iPod thing. I’m not sure why I put my iPod on random and then talk about it. I’m not a ‘music guy’. My grandfather said, “It’s better to know a little about a lot than a lot about a little.” That describes me and music. I know what I like but I could never work in a record store. I’m not that cool and I don’t do drugs.

So here’s my random eight. Thanks iPod!

Not About Love by Fiona Apple - I would love to date Fiona Apple because she’s talented, pretty, and from all accounts emotionally unstable. Aside from the talented part, that describes everyone I’ve ever dated.

Extra Ordinary Thing by Aqualung - The first words of this song are “cheer up” which is odd because this song makes me want to do very little of that exact thing.

Polly by Nirvana (Unplugged) - I miss Kurt Cobain. Not because of the void our loss of his talent left in music but he still owes me forty bucks for that heroin I sold him. Hey, I said I didn’t DO drugs, that doesn’t mean I don’t SELL them. Don’t ask why I was slinging heroin at the age of 14. It’s just part of growing up in the streets.

Somewhere Down in Texas by George Strait - I hated country music until I dated a cowgirl. There is something about slow dancing to country music with a pretty girl you love that makes country music tolerable.

Can’t Tell Me Nothing by Kanye West - CLICK HERE for the better version of this video.

Born Too Slow by The Crystal Method - Being born too slow was probably painful on The Crystal Method’s mom.

Kate by Ben Folds Five - A song about the type of girl you imagine would be perfect for you but is probably dating a guy who cheats on her so when you finally have a chance with her she’s bitter because of the Todd debacle. Stupid Todd.

Lucifer by Jay-Z - “I’m from the murder capitol, where we murder for capital.” Now you know where I got the idea for that tattoo on my stomach. It was either that or Thug Life but since that didn’t do the last guy to have it much good, I went with the Jay–Z line.

- Joel

Suppose I stab a hobo (again). Suppose this time I get caught (not like the other times). Suppose my defense for my hobo stabbing ways is I thought I was cool enough to stab a hobo because I have a limited education. That’s pretty ludicrous but that’s exactly the defense Dog the Bounty Hunter used when asked by Larry King why he popped off with the ‘N’ word during a phone conversation with his son.

I’m not trying to say that using the ‘N’ word is on par with hobo stabbing. It’s worse. There is no other word in the English language that when spoken evokes such hate towards an entire group of people. For Dog to say his use of that word repeatedly in the same conversation was simply a result of his lacking a more extensive vocabulary is among the more ignorant things I’ve heard someone say. Are we supposed to believe that a man savvy enough to get his own TV show just can’t seem to figure out that you’re not supposed to use certain words? Really?

Maybe that word isn’t so bad to him, but that’s not the point. People don’t take into account just because something may not be offensive to them doesn’t mean it’s not offensive to someone else. It’s ignorance by way of selfishness, both of which are unacceptable character traits.

Maybe Dog and his crew of justice soldiers could ask the Lord for the blessing of discretion. I only assume the Lord would hook Dog up since at the beginning of his show they’re always praying right before they go cuss at people and smoke and beat folks, all in the name of justice. And by justice I mean money. Don’t forget that.

I believe in free speech, and I believe what Dog’s son did was wrong because he did it for the money and to hurt his father. However, it wouldn’t hurt Dog to use some discretion. We shouldn’t be surprised a man who exploits himself, his family, his hair extensions, and the families of fugitives, for profit and entertainment would do something so morally reprehensible. Maybe he’s a nice guy. Maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s a racist. Maybe he’s not, though dropping the ‘N’ bomb certainly doesn’t help.

I’m not judging the man, just the action of the man, which in this case does reflect the character of the man. All of this is a bit much. I’m gonna go relieve some stress by way of hobo stabbing. No one can record that!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Pure Morning by Placebo - A friend in need’s a friend indeed. A friend with weed is better. That’s not true. A friend with weed is obnoxious.

MOVIE - Lifted - This is the short on the Ratatouille DVD. I haven’t laughed that hard since the last time I tried to buy a hat. My head is huge! That’s the joke! BAZING!

- Joel

There is only one job on the planet I want. Well, two, but being Justin Timberlake is already taken. I want to write comedy. I knew when I was a child I was born to do comedy. Some people are born with talents that are useful such as athletic prowess, a genius IQ ,or wealthy. I was born to crack wise and make people laugh. Sorry world. You’re gonna have to wait for that cure for cancer while I make jokes about the uselessness of panda bears.

“So why don’t you just write comedy for the inter-web then maybe you’ll get discovered by the fine folks in Hollywood and live happily ever after, writing comedy for great shows like Dharma & Greg and Homeboys in Outerspace?” Because those shows have been cancelled, inner moron. Aside from that, I am at a loss as how to even begin to get into comedy writing.

Sure, I write the most popular half page, bi-weekly column in OKC, and a sporadic blog, but that’s not enough at all. How does someone from Oklahoma who is only good at comedy, get the chance to work outside of Oklahoma? The only notable comedians from Oklahoma are SNL’s Bill Heder, and Will Rogers, who was considered a comedian before comedy was even invented, which makes it a pretty narrow playing field as far as competition goes. So two. Two Oklahomans have made it in comedy. I’ve got something on both Heder and Rogers though! I was voted funniest person in OKC and I didn’t die in a plane crash! I win!

I would really like to write comedy but I need help. I can’t fully pursue my comedy career until I get some money to do so with. About 30 grand ought to do it, so if you’re reading this, have 30 grand, and want to help me on my way, feel free to leave a comment. I’ll pay you back once I get a writing job. The fact the writers are on strike right now doth not bode well for yours truly, but it gives me time to plot my comedic endeavor.

I recently read The Secret and have decided to exude a thankful and generous demeanor in the hopes that I will become a comedy writer. You’re lucky I’m not using The Secret to try to get a girlfriend. Shows how much faith I have in the universe when I know it would be easier for me to get a comedy writing job than a girl.

I am thankful for the talent I have, but I need a break. I know that moving to L.A. or NY is probably the best way to pursue that, but in order to do that I need to get a pretty decent amount of cash. I’m talking to you rich person with faith in me. You know who you are and you know you want to help me. I know you know. I feel I know you know.

That’s The Secret in action!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - In My Life by The Beatles - I want this played at my funeral. Also to be played at my funeral? Super Mario Bros and lawn darts. Don’t hit the stones!

MOVIE - The Secret - In all honesty it’s really helped me with a lot of things in my life. Now to get it to knock out a new job writing comedy and I’m set!

- Joel D

I’m not cool. I’m not saying I’m not cool so as to appear cool. Using the Fonzie scale of coolness, I’ve got like four Fonzies. I like some cool things, and can recognize coolness, but I myself am not cool. Being homeschooled and from Oklahoma just compounds the problem.

In an effort to prove my lack of cool, I’m gonna go ahead and do something that isn’t cool because EVERYONE does this who has a blog. I’m gonna put the ol’ iPod on random and seeing what comes out. Thanks to George Lang and every other human who has done this.

Here goes.

The Magnificent Seven by The Clash - I’m a fan of The Clash. I’m not as big a fan of them as I probably should be but that’s only, as I’ve already mentioned, because I’m not cool.

Let’s Rock by Smashmouth - Did you see who that song is by? Did you? How’s that for lack of cool?

Starchild by Jamiroquai - I love Jamiroquai because it’s like funky fresh ear food.

Welcome to the Soft Lightes by The Incredible Moses Leroy - I don’t even know how the hell this got on my iPod but I likeit and I’m glad I have it. It reminds me of walking in slow motion through a beautiful field. I do that a lot.

Diamonds From Sierra Leone by Kanye West - Because of this song I refuse to buy diamonds. At least that’s what I’ll tell my girlfriend when she pressures me for a ring. “Uh, I’m not gonna throw money down for a rock because I don’t want all those dead miner kids on my conscious.”

Yes by Black Sheep - This is a song from before rap was full of profanity and masochism. I’ll be it the song contains a line where a guy says they call me the “Sugar D— Daddy” so maybe I’m wrong.

Don’t Leave Me on my Own by Chris Isaak - His voice makes me want to take a road trip and think about life. Just riding along in the car as the world passes you by at 60 miles an hour with nothing but your thoughts and the wind to keep you company.

Wind it Up by Prodigy - This song following a great Chris Isaak song is like getting punched awake from a nap. It’s a good song, but not one I’d put after the one prior.

When the Sun Goes Down by the Arctic Monkeys - I’m cool enough to own this album. That’s cool right? Maybe?

Light Pollution by Bright Eyes - Johnny Hobson was a good man. I guess. Maybe he wasn’t.

That’s all I got for now. Don’t judge me. Or do. Either way.

- Joel

So I said I’d delve into some things I’d previously mentioned and I’m sure all the person who reads this can’t wait to see what goings on will make them glad they aren’t me.

I found out after my 22nd surgery, per my doctor, that I apparently hit on the cute medical student that was present to observe my getting cut. “That’s no surprise because I’m sure you’re great with women, Joel.” No. That’s not it. Rather I was looped out of my mind on Versed. What is Versed? According to the inter-web Versed is used to produce sleepiness or drowsiness and to relieve anxiety before surgery or certain procedures. Also, Versed is used to make me not fear talking to a girl so far out of my league it’s ridiculous. So watch out ladies! Once I get my hands on an IV, some Versed and someone to remind of what I’ve done while on it, I’m set. The only thing standing between me and a girlfriend is intravenous drugs. Sheesh.

I performed at OKC Comedy Night 2007 and apparently did quite well. Having no ego, I don’t seek out things to feed an ego, so I don’t pay attention to any accolades. Perhaps I should because from what I’ve heard, I killed. It was my first time on stage in months and I loved it. I had a blast. Clearly one of the best nights of my life. Cut to my going back to work that following Monday and it was all a distant memory. For those of you not familiar with my job, allow me to explain it to you. Let’s say you’re really good at something. Some would say exceptionally good. You would like to further explore ways to use whatever it is you’re good as a means of prosperity, but can’t because you’ve got bills so you have to work at a place that is neither socially or professionally rewarding. Now record the most inane and pointless conversations imaginable, put them on your iPod and loop it for eight hours. Also, make sure the majority of your co-workers are over fifty, are bitter beyond reproof, have no sense of humor, and you’ve got my job in a nutshell. It’s an awesome place. Really. No. Really.

I’m having to fight with the union, not management, because they don’t believe I had MRSA. It’s all some crazy ploy I had to lose money, become horribly scarred, and put my life on hold for a year. I win! I’m just trying to get the company to not count both times I was off as two separate incidences as it was the same issue each time. If they can, great. If they can’t, great. I’m just tired of the whole thing. I’m having to fight for a job that I hate more than Hitler. I’m sure that statement will come up in a lawsuit at some point in the future. “He said he hated his job worse than he hated Hitler.” Here. This next statement will throw them for a loop. I’m also king of all fruit and wizard lord over the ocean people! “Well my god! He either hates his job or is king of the fruit and some sort of wizard lord. I just don’t know!”

My new roommate Scott got here Friday night from VA. He’s retired from the Air Force, plays the guitar, is a future attorney, and a handsome fella . He’s not even 30 yet. I’m never introducing him to anyone I want to date. No need to stack the deck against me even more.

That’s about all I’ve got. Nothing new to report. Not yet anyhow. I guess I’ll spend today lording over produce and the ocean people.

RIGHT NOW

MOVIE - Mission Impossible III - I liked this movie a lot. I’m a big fan of Tom Cruise, things exploding, and attractive women, so there ya go.

SONG - I’m Slowly Turning Into You by The White Stripes - The White Stripes is pretty much the only group that rocks that doesn’t annoy me. “Oh we’re Metallica, come shoot a documentary about us and watch us cry.” Shut up and rock, Metallica. You’re on the planet to do one thing and that is to rock. They should be more like the White Stripes. I should also not comment on movies that are years old, about Metallica.

- Joel