JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

I will be wealthy. This is an inevitability. This is because I’m a creative genius and incredibly talented. More than likely I will be wealthy as a result of my ingenious “wordsmithing”. See. I just made a word up. That’s how talented I am. I just pulled a word out of the thin air surrounding my brain.

With the knowledge that I will be wealthy, I know exactly how I will spend my wealth. I will write and produce movies that are funny yet heartfelt. I will be Oklahoma’s own version of Judd Apatow. I will also purchase a nice house, make sure my mom and family will never have to worry about money ever again and also take care of my close friends. Since I’m aware of how I will spend it, I am also aware of how I won’t spend it.

I know that I won’t spend it on things that only allow me to impress people I don’t care about with my blatant show of wealth. These thoughts came about as I watched a report on NBC affiliate KFOR 4 this evening about things the super wealthy in Oklahoma can purchase with their wealth. Among the items included in the report were things to pamper your pet with, expensive liquors, and exotic cars. Take that homeless folks!

Whenever I see someone spending more than forty bucks on anything involving their pet that doesn’t pertain to that pet’s health, I am reminded of comedian David Cross and his line about people who leave their inheritance to their cat providing that cat with a lifetime of eating out of crystal goblets. He said, “A cat can’t tell the difference between a crystal goblet and a sh– lined shoe box.” I couldn’t agree more. Animals are to be cared for and loved but for the love of god, if you spend more on your pet than you would on a philanthropic endeavor, you should probably recheck your priorities. If you must spend four hundred bucks on an animal related item, go ahead and spend three bucks on a rubber chew toy and give the other three hundred and ninety-seven bucks to the SPCA. This not only makes your pet happy but it also saves the lives of other animals. Personally I can’t see spending money on something that doesn’t better my life, or the lives of others and I don’t care who you are, a faux mink dog bed doesn’t do anything for anyone. That is assuming that you aren’t buying it for a tiny homeless person. If that’s the case, then by all means go for it.

The KFOR story also showed a twenty thousand dollar cocktail that is served at Café Nova. I found it funny that a high class bar shares a name with a low class Chevy. The twenty thousand dollar cocktail was a vodka on the rocks that comes with a limousine ride and a diamond ring. Why that’s a deal at twice the price! Why? Because with an expensive price tag applied to something, you might forget that it is little more than one drink, a ride in a car and a rock. Money makes everything seem cooler than it really is!

Finally, the piece profiled a car dealership that specialized in expensive sports cars. The kind of cars you see in rap videos. The kind of cars that middle aged men drive in order to woo younger women who will claim to love them for their personality but who really just love these men for their bank balance. I’m not saying having a nice car isn’t important, but really? Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars for a car is ridiculous. “Well you just say that because you don’t have it to spend on a car.” Just because I will have it doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and spend the equivalent of three nice houses on something that can get me to my destination just as well as an Altima could. Besides, if I get in an accident in an Altima I’m not out three hundred and fifty thousand dollars unless I got a really bad deal on a Nissan.

Perhaps I have this point of view concerning wealth because I didn’t grow up wealthy, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think that my thought process is more of one that questions people having to spend an insane amount of money on something that doesn’t buy them one extra moment on this planet. I’m not angry at the rich. I get it. I’ve dealt with the wealthy in my lifetime and more often than not they are bitter and angry and constantly try to put everyone in their place because they can’t relate to the people beneath them, which they seem to think is everyone, so they go ahead and needlessly persecute those people. They don’t want to be told they’re rich but they don’t want to appear cheap either. It’s a paradox that some constantly have to deal with. It’s a small price to pay I guess.

Before you fire off an angry missive on your gold plated laptop, I’m not condemning all wealthy people at all. Look at the great work that people like Bill Gates and Jay-Z do for people. These are people who came from nothing and I’m sure they spend money on extravagant things, but they do some good for the world too.

With my wealth I will buy my mom and siblings houses. I will pay off my friend’s mortgages. I will give strangers money. I will provide for the creative among us a life that is conducive to their focusing on their art and not a life full of worrying about things like rent or phone bills. I will provide them with the things that really matter in life. A place to live. The freedom to create. Basically I want to provide security for the ones I care for the most and isn’t that what’s most important?

I dunno. A few twenty thousand dollar cocktails might be pretty sweet too.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Imagine by John Lennon. The best blueprint for a euphoric and peaceful life ever laid out in three minutes and four seconds. Thank you John.

MOVIE - Millions - Director Danny Boyle’s brilliant movie about a young boy who finds a million pounds. I mean British pounds which is good because if it was the other kind of pounds they could have just called the movie “Brando’s Corpse”.

YOWZA!

- Joel David