I woke up this morning and headed to Mercy for a check up at my doctor’s office. That doctor’s visit lead to surgery number 15. This time it was on an area that is detrimental to one’s sitting. Wow does it hurt. For those of you keeping track of the stitches I have in me at this moment, here is the latest count.
3 in my stomach
2 in my chest
2 in my neck
So currently I have 7 stitches in me not including whichever stitches are underneath the pound and a half of gauze taped to my nether region at the moment.
I had surgery at Mercy Hospital today, which isn’t my preferred surgery location. Also, I’m way too young to have a preference of surgery locations. While the people at Mercy are nice, the staff at Specialists Surgery Center is my pick for my favorite surgical staff. This might be because I’ve been in there so many times, but I don’t think so. They are all really nice and quite helpful. I’ve seen those people more than I’ve seen some of my own friends.
They always joke with me and are really nice. That’s good too because sitting in a chair wearing nothing but a purple hospital gown made of paper can be a dignity reducing experience. It’s gotten to the point that I know the people up there by name. I notice when certain pictures have been moved. It’s like I work there but don’t get paid in anything but pain and scars.
Don’t get me wrong. The folks at Mercy were nice but I don’t know them as well as I do the staff at SSC. When I had surgery today at Mercy part of me felt like I was cheating on the staff at Specialists. These are the weird types of things that go through my head when I’m about to have surgery. The other weird thing I thought today pre-surgery was when I noticed there was a crucifix in the operating room. One of the nurses asked if I needed a warm blanket. I told her I didn’t but that little tiny Jesus looked like he may need one. I figured that was the least of tiny Jesus’ problems. “Did you want a blanket, lord?” “Uh, no. I’ll tell you what I could go for though. Me not being on this cross. That would be something I’d like over a warm blanket.”
See. I’m weird like that.
So at this point in my life I’m tired of the surgeries. Weird, I know. Every time I have surgery I think about how cool it would be to be a surgeon because they make a lot of money. Then I remember all the education and money it takes to get to that point so I’ll just stick with my dream of being a doctor on TV. It worked for George Clooney and as anyone who knows me can attest to, Clooney and I look exactly alike. That’s assuming my friends are blind or liars.
My doctor will be out of town for the next two weeks so hopefully nothing else happens because his surgical partner is super old. He got his medical degree in 1956. Someone should tell him about this new thing called ‘retirement’. My doctor is going to Japan. He told me he would have to bring me something from Japan. I told him to come back with some sort of Asian remedy for my malady. I told him I didn’t care what it was. “Crushed goat hooves will cure Joel? Well alrighty”.
I feel that my attitude through this whole thing has been pretty positive. I rarely speak highly of myself but I’m handling this debacle a lot better than I thought I would. I mean it’s not like I had anything going on anyway. All those girls I’m not dating are sure to be disappointed.
So the lesson? Don’t write a blog entry at 1 in the morning high on pain pills.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - “You Know I’m No Good” by Amy Winehouse - her Back in Black album is one of the best albums of the year. She has got more soul than a fat man’s shoe. Get it? ‘Soul’ sounds like ‘sole’ which you find on a shoe! Man that’s hilarious. Stupid pain pills.
MOVIE - High Fidelity - I’m too tired to think of anything else right now.
- Joel David