JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Two nights ago my friend Adam and I went to IHOP for a cup of coffee. It was good to get out of the house after having been laid up for so long due to the litany of surgeries I’d gone through. Little did I know I’d have to have my fourteenth surgery the following day, but I’ll get to that later.

Adam and I had been sitting at the IHOP discussing important issues. Issues involving hypothetical battles between Voltron and Godzilla and which of the two was more capable in achieving victory if such a battle were to ensue. We were in deep conversation when the peace was shattered by a group of angry lesbians that had been seated at a booth near us.

Understand that I’m a liberal Democrat who thinks it’s unfair to assume things about people without actually speaking to them first. It’s not cool to label people and when you do you are usually incorrect ninety-nine percent of the time. This was the one percent of the time it was okay to assume things about people without talking with them. I could tell they were lesbians because it looked like a table full of flannel shirt wearing, smaller versions of Toby Keith. It was also okay to assume they were angry because they wouldn’t stop berating the waiter. They did this at a volume loud enough for everyone in ear shot to hear. “I didn’t get my ketchup and she didn’t get her ranch. We’d better get free dessert!” It got so bad that the manager had to go over and speak to the table. That didn’t help because tables don’t have ears. He then spoke to the women at the table and all the manager accomplished was making the manliest of the group even angrier, and while an IHOP manager has to put up with what I imagine to be an ungodly amount of rude customers, an angry lesbian exacting her syrup fueled revenge on someone isn’t somehing I’d wish on anyone.

The waiter didn’t deserve the treatment he was receiving. He was a good waiter. He was attentive and did a great job. The table o’ angry gals was just making a scene to try to get free food. I know this because one of them had said so loud enough for everyone to hear. Revealing that nugget of information is the one thing you shouldn’t talk about when trying to execute your master plan of getting free pancakes.

After they got their check, everyone around them was relieved because we all knew they’d be leaving. A quiet calm fell over the area but was soon shattered by the sound of something actually shattering. I turned around and noticed that a pile of bowls and plates full of the remnants of the angry lesbian’s meal had crashed to the ground. They had knocked their dishes off the table on purpose. The waiter ran over to the table and apologized, despite it not being his fault and rather the fault of the perfect storm of angry lesbians full of pancakes combined with gravity. After his apology the angriest of the bunch said “Well if you’d uh done yer job right and got the dishes sooner this wouldn’t have happened.” It was at this point that everyone in the restaurant made some sort of exasperated noise.

As the “mantourage” left in an angry fit, we were all still relieved they had gone. I felt great empathy for the waiter. I asked him if they got any part of their meal for free and he said his manager gave them nothing for free. I told the waiter that he should have written off the meal but charged them fifty bucks for each broken dish.

So what is the point of this story? Angry lesbians and pancakes need not mix lest dishes pay the price. Well, dishes and everyone who had to sit through that debacle.

Moving on.

I had my fourteenth surgery yesterday. The answer to the question you didn’t ask is, yes. Yes it is getting old.

I’m off to go rest now. I’ll expound on my surgery situation later. Probably when Saved by the Bell is over.

- Joel David