For those of you who may not be aware, because you have lives of your own, Oklahoma is in the middle of an ice storm. While it sounds similar, an ice storm is much different than an ass storm which I’m pretty sure is the name of a Big Daddy Kane album. He’s a rapper, white people. Look it up.
In preparation for the storm I decided to go to Wal-Mart yesterday morning prior to work in an attempt to buy some groceries. I was going to buy a couple of cans of broccoli & cheese soup and some flour tortillas. It sounds like an odd combination but the last thing I need is to be judged by you! Get off my back about the soup and tortilla thing already! Sorry. Being sequestered to my apartment with little more than my laptop, my television and my magnificently mundane roommate to keep me company tend to get me a tad cranky.
I thought that by going to Wal-Mart at seven in the morning would be a way to avoid the typical white trash freak show that going to Wal-Mart is. Not only was I wrong, but the white trash freak show was compounded by the presence of panicky weekend survivalists. When I walked inside I thought maybe that from the time I’d left my house to the time I arrived at the store that some sort of horrible event had taken place that I was unaware of because everyone had basket upon basket stocked with the type of groceries one might be buying in anticipation of the apocalypse. I thought that maybe since Monday is MLK day that people were planning a party. Then I noticed that most of the people were white and probably had no idea who he was anyway.
This was all a result of the ice storm? This was all a result of the ice storm! Good lord!
This was all a result of the threat of one not being able to leave their home for three days. No threat of fiery rain or toxic gases or even hurricanes. No threat of there being a shortage of junk food. Just the thought of being three days without access to a Wal-Mart caused shockwaves of panic amongst obese gluttons and those without the foresight to have bought enough food earlier in the week. Now I know that I was there so you can lump me in with those folks, and would expect nothing less, but I didn’t load up my basket. I didn’t even get a basket. I just got my soup and headed over to the flour tortillas. When I reached the aisle with the flour tortillas I tried to remember if I had heard there was a burrito convention in town that I was unaware of because there were no tortillas to be had. The shelves were bare. There were only corn tortillas left and as any winner will tell you, corn tortillas are for losers. Stupid corn tortilla eating losers.
I was heading to the front of the store to buy my two cans of broccoli & cheese soup when I spotted a discarded package of flour tortillas sitting atop an oatmeal display! I grabbed and held it in the air and said “Suck it all you losers who thought you would beat me by depleting this store of it’s tortillas supplies! I found one! I win suckers! HA HA HA!” Actually I just grabbed them without saying all of that.
Sometimes life is better when you pretend you’re more interesting than you really are.
RIGHT NOW
MOVIE - Toy Story - This is one of the best movies ever made. It’s funny and it’s sweet like a joke telling package of M&M’s.
SONG - ‘24′ This isn’t a song but I’m so excited that the season premiere of ‘24′ is tomorrow night on FOX that I can’t think of a song to talk about.
TV SHOW - ‘24′ See above.
- Joel David