31
After a tough day of refinancing my mortgage, lowering my blood pressure or getting hooked on dangerous diet pills, nothing refreshes me more than an icy cold Diet Coke! I think Diet Coke is delicious and I’m sure you will too so go out and buy as much Diet Coke as possible!
- Joel David
32
This bit brought to you by Champion brand glue. Champion Brand, now with real bits of Barbaro for an even championer hold!
- Joel David
I promise this is something that you will never hear. In my head this has already happened but so have a lot of other things that have yet to happen.
Here’s hoping.
My fellow Americans. I come to you this evening with a heavy heart.
I came to you over four years ago and asked you to stand with me and our allies in waging a war on terror. With America having suffered a tragedy at the hands of terrorists I felt that a war on terror would best serve not only Americans but also the world in the hopes of helping to prevent anyone from having to experience a tragedy like September 11th ever again.
Since that time we have waged a brave and courageous fight in both Afghanistan and Iraq. However, with each passing day the news out of Iraq is increasingly dire and desperately grim. Americans continue to senselessly lose their sons and daughters to an enemy that has increasingly become more devious and deadly. An enemy that is made up of people we have liberated. An enemy that is not a traditional force but rather one made up of lone individuals armed with nothing more than hate and archaic but brutal weapons used to invoke the maximum amount of damage against not only American servicemen and women but their fellow countrymen as well.
Tolstoy once said , “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” This evening I hope to do both.
Tonight I am first offering up my sincerest and most humble apologies to the American people. I apologize for the stubbornness with which myself and my administration have acted. I have continually ignored the advice of those officials whose guidance and expertise I initially sought out. From the United Nations to high ranking military officials, I have ignored them all. I have no excuse for these actions.
The most despicable result of my actions is the toll they have taken on the men and women who serve this country. My blatant disregard for their lives is something only God can forgive. I take full responsibility for the loss of life, both American and Iraqi that this war has caused. There is no one to hold accountable other than myself and those who decided to go to war with the limited information we had available to us.
Most of all I apologize to the families of those who served, and continue to serve, this country so bravely. Words cannot express the gratitude that this country owes you for the sacrifices you have made.
In an effort to redeem myself in the eyes of those I have so clearly hurt I am calling on congress to authorize an immediate troop withdrawal. This withdrawal will bring our troop presence in Iraq to pre-war levels by 2008.
This withdrawal is not an admission of defeat. We have liberated a country from tyrannical rule and the world is safer for it. However we must think to protect our country’s interests first. The greatest resource our country has is the brave men and women who make sacrifices beyond our expectations. To keep them in harm’s way for anything less than the protection of our freedom or the freedom of those who cannot defend it for themselves is an act of futility that I will no longer be a part of.
The time for partisan bickering and finger pointing stops now. The time to do what is best for this country and the world begins now. The world will see great change and we will help be that change. In order to best do that effectively I will need the support of the American people once again. No matter your skin color, political affiliation or religion, we are all Americans and as Americans we must get our people home and as soon as possible.
I am sorry.
May god bless America.
I thank you and good night.
- Joel David
If you are anything like me you love music. Also, you can’t find a hat to fit your head, but that’s not what I’m talking about.
My friend Sara introduced me to a website called iLike. It allows people to see what you’re listening to on iTunes and also recommends music for you based on what you listen and has free downloads available of bands you may have never heard of otherwise.
If you want to check it out click below. If you don’t want to check it out then to heck with you. Straight to freaking heck I say.
- Joel David
I have another blog on the Look @ OKC site. It is a review of the previous night’s episode of American Idol.
Add it to your favorites and watch for it every morning following a new episode. Send it to your friends and then I’ll become a superstar and you’ll be able to thank yourself for the part you played in that.
Holla.
- Joel David
I broke one of my New Year’s resolutions yesterday. Well I actually broke two resolutions if you count my running over that homeless guy on my unicycle, but who counts that? The other resolution I broke was that I had my tenth surgery.
I found a growth and it doubled in size in just a few hours. I headed off to the surgeon’s office and a couple hours later I was having surgery. For the tenth time. The good thing is that the staff there knows me so it’s kind of like visiting friends. Friends you don’t know that well that you only see when you’re in pain but friends nonetheless. Everyone there is really nice and takes good care of me when I’m there so I’m thankful for that.
I had a 3cm circular incision that was 2cm deep cut into me. Again. “Well it sounds like you’re going to need some time off of work.” And you’d be right! The problem is that because I was on disability for this a couple of weeks ago I cannot file another disability case. I also have no FMLA time left so I’m having to burn my vacation! This is good because I actually got into serious trouble for being sick as it was not excused because I hadn’t built up enough FMLA hours. Basically what I’m saying is that I don’t like burning vacation because I had surgery. It’s not fair to complain though. I really have no room to complain about anything at all because life is good.
Life is good because while I hate the job I have, because it is creatively devoid and because I don’t buy into the idea that that job is the best thing to happen to me, I do have health benefits which is good because I got put back on the super expensive antibiotic, Zyvox. Zyvox, when not covered by insurance costs roughly $67.00 per pill.
In case you were wondering whether or not the pill is made of pure gold or Leprechaun embryos thus accounting for the exorbitant price, here is a picture of the pill to prove that it’s nothing so grand.
I have been prescribed enough for the next four months. This works out to $16,080.00.
This amount makes me a little concerned for the people who either can’t afford benefits or don’t have the disposable income of Bill Gates or the Lord. God’s pretty rich and you know it! Did you see the episode of Cribs with The Lord in it? That guy drinks a lot of Cristal. Like un-Himly amounts.
What if you have MRSA and then you can’t get the pills? It is unbelievable we are the wealthiest nation on the planet and we can’t take care of our people a little better.
I don’t have an answer on how to fix that right now because I’m a bit out of it which I attribute to the Lortab. My liver hates me because of all the acetaminophen consumption.
Also because I call it names.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Clubbed to Death (Kurayamino Mix) off of the first Matrix soundtrack - This song makes want to walk in slow motion while things behind me explode and I battle ninjas as I walk down a corridor full of ninjas that wish me harm but once I’m through with them they’ll wish they weren’t in so much pain from the Joel style beat down they received. Also, I like to listen to songs that make me realize I’m a huge dork.
MOVIE - Little Miss Sunshine - If you want to see an unadulteratedly honest performance watch this movie and everyone’s performance in it. It is a phenomenal movie. It does lack one thing though that would definitely get it a best Oscar win. Me fighting ninjas.
- Joel David
Who will be my 200th My Space friend? Could it be you?! Does it matter?! Of course not because if you are my 200th friend you will win absolutely nothing so logon now!
This is more pointless than anything you’ve just read!
Yay!
- Joel David
38
Not having ever watched American Idol joins the long list of many things I have not done for the past six years. This includes not quitting my horrible job, not talking to girls and not giving up heroin. Well that all changed last night.
Ok, well part of it did anyway.
I am going to watch every episode of American Idol this season because I am now writing a recap of American Idol for Look @ OKC. You can look for it the morning after each new episode airs. It will be chock full o’ laughs like a proverbial barrel of monkeys!
A barrel full of laughing freak monkeys!
You can check it out here.
Add the link to your favorites and check back every morning after new episodes air!
This should prove to be fun and interesting. Fun-teresting if you will.
- Joel David
BAGHDAD, IRAQ (CNN) — IRAQ HANGED TWO OF SADDAM HUSSEIN’S AIDES EARLY MONDAY, AND ONE OF THE MEN WAS DECAPITATED IN THE PROCESS
This is the transcript of the speech made by the lead hangman prior to the execution of Saddam’s brother, Barzan Hassan.
“Okay everyone. Calm down. I know you are all excited. First off I would like to thank all of you for accepting the job as ‘Hanging Crew’. I know that all of you are new since we had to let the last crew go after the last hanging. I see you’ve all gotten your ski masks. Good. Good. You guys look great. You look like a ski team! I joke. I am kidding. Ok. Let’s check here. Rope. Check. Gallows. Check. That is almost it. Now before we get started I want to talk to you all about something.
Now the last time that we did one of these it went horribly bad. We cannot afford to let what happened last time happen again. We must show the rest of the world that we are not bloodthirsty savages out for revenge! We must show the world that we can carry out the court’s orders calling for the death of Saddam’s brother. We want to make sure that everything goes as smoothly as possible with no mistakes! I’m talking about Mr. Had-to-use-his-camera-phone! He won’t be doing that again because he has learned his lesson. Let’s just say it is not easy to use a camera phone when you have no hands! Speaking of which, no one has a camera phone do they? Let me have it Ahmed. You will get it back after the hanging. I don’t care. Speaking of phones if you have one that is not a camera phone please make sure the ringer is off. We do not need to hear 50 Cent right as someone is getting hanged. That would also be bad.
One more time, here is how this will work. What will happen is that the prisoner will be brought into the room here and stand atop the gallows. I do not want yelling this time! I don’t care how angry he makes you! None of this Muqtada crap again! I also do not want anyone joking about how he will soon be a pinata. Nothing like that please.
Well I think that about covers it. It seemed there was something else I had to tell all of you. I think it had to do with how tight the rope is. Oh well. If I think of it I will tell you later! Now let’s have a good hanging!”
-Joel David
40
For those of you who may not be aware, because you have lives of your own, Oklahoma is in the middle of an ice storm. While it sounds similar, an ice storm is much different than an ass storm which I’m pretty sure is the name of a Big Daddy Kane album. He’s a rapper, white people. Look it up.
In preparation for the storm I decided to go to Wal-Mart yesterday morning prior to work in an attempt to buy some groceries. I was going to buy a couple of cans of broccoli & cheese soup and some flour tortillas. It sounds like an odd combination but the last thing I need is to be judged by you! Get off my back about the soup and tortilla thing already! Sorry. Being sequestered to my apartment with little more than my laptop, my television and my magnificently mundane roommate to keep me company tend to get me a tad cranky.
I thought that by going to Wal-Mart at seven in the morning would be a way to avoid the typical white trash freak show that going to Wal-Mart is. Not only was I wrong, but the white trash freak show was compounded by the presence of panicky weekend survivalists. When I walked inside I thought maybe that from the time I’d left my house to the time I arrived at the store that some sort of horrible event had taken place that I was unaware of because everyone had basket upon basket stocked with the type of groceries one might be buying in anticipation of the apocalypse. I thought that maybe since Monday is MLK day that people were planning a party. Then I noticed that most of the people were white and probably had no idea who he was anyway.
This was all a result of the ice storm? This was all a result of the ice storm! Good lord!
This was all a result of the threat of one not being able to leave their home for three days. No threat of fiery rain or toxic gases or even hurricanes. No threat of there being a shortage of junk food. Just the thought of being three days without access to a Wal-Mart caused shockwaves of panic amongst obese gluttons and those without the foresight to have bought enough food earlier in the week. Now I know that I was there so you can lump me in with those folks, and would expect nothing less, but I didn’t load up my basket. I didn’t even get a basket. I just got my soup and headed over to the flour tortillas. When I reached the aisle with the flour tortillas I tried to remember if I had heard there was a burrito convention in town that I was unaware of because there were no tortillas to be had. The shelves were bare. There were only corn tortillas left and as any winner will tell you, corn tortillas are for losers. Stupid corn tortilla eating losers.
I was heading to the front of the store to buy my two cans of broccoli & cheese soup when I spotted a discarded package of flour tortillas sitting atop an oatmeal display! I grabbed and held it in the air and said “Suck it all you losers who thought you would beat me by depleting this store of it’s tortillas supplies! I found one! I win suckers! HA HA HA!” Actually I just grabbed them without saying all of that.
Sometimes life is better when you pretend you’re more interesting than you really are.
RIGHT NOW
MOVIE - Toy Story - This is one of the best movies ever made. It’s funny and it’s sweet like a joke telling package of M&M’s.
SONG - ‘24′ This isn’t a song but I’m so excited that the season premiere of ‘24′ is tomorrow night on FOX that I can’t think of a song to talk about.
TV SHOW - ‘24′ See above.
- Joel David
