JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Anyone who has read anything that I’ve written up until this point knows that concerning matters of luck and ladies, I am none too prosperous. I can’t really go into why I’m not good with women other than that they are a lot smarter than I am. As far as the luck issue is concerned, allow me to relay this uninteresting tidbit of information to you.

I was supposed to have an appointment today with the chief of staff at Mercy hospital. I have been waiting three weeks to see this guy. I was really hoping that I would finally see a doctor that would be able to help me with this Staph infection that has resulted in seven surgeries to date. Well it turns out that the infectious disease doctor I was to see is sick and had to cancel all of his appointments. I wish I was joking.

I found this out when I went to my surgeon today to have him check out another growth on my leg. It turns out that not only is the specialist I was supposed to see ill but I get to have surgery for the EIGHTH TIME tomorrow.

That sounds like a lot of surgeries because, well, it is. I know you might think that when I mention surgery I might be talking about a small procedure with local anesthetic. If only that were true. Every surgery I have had involves a good dose of anesthesia and a pretty decent level of pain. I am so aggravated by all of this. I would almost welcome a hospital stay at this point so hopefully they can get this taken care of.

In all honesty I am getting a bit scared. I mean I’ve always had a fear of dying young because my dad died young and his dad died young. I don’t have any good reason for being afraid of an early death because of anything substantial to attribute those feelings to other than my lineage. I have always been paranoid about silly things. For instance I have always lived on the second story or higher in an apartment complex for fear of floods. Keep in mind I’ve never been effected by a flood at all. Ever. I also want to fly first class if I fly anywhere. This is because of 9-11. I guess I just figure it would be hard to kick some terrorist ass if I was relegated to sitting in coach.

I know that I will probably never get flooded and that the chances of me coming in contact with a terrorist are pretty slim but an early death is a pretty plausible concern. I might think different if I wasn’t having surgery every week or knowing that a friend of mine’s sister died from a staph infection. Fear is really not a good thing.

I know that I’ll probably be alright and that everything will be fine and I’ll go back to my boring and unfulfilling dead end job working for the phone company hoping everyday that the future I dream of isn’t getting sucked into the abyss that seems to take everyone’s hopes and dreams and replaces them with worries of mortgages, philandering spouses and ungrateful kids.

I know I’m not special and I know that everyone thinks these things on some level at some point. I don’t want to seem melodramatic or self involved. I just had to write all this crap down in case something does happen.

I wish I would have treated people better, myself included. I wish that I hadn’t wasted so much time. I really hope that I’m able to pull myself out of this emotional funkitude I’ve got going on. This is pretty pathetic and I know it. Sorry.

On the off chance that anyone happens to actually meet Fiona Apple this weekend, because she has a concert this Friday, feel free to throw in a good word for me. I’m not bad looking and am pretty funny and as of recent I’ve got some pretty serious self pity going on so we’ll have that in common. She can reach me by calling me. She has my number. I know I remembered to put it on one of the six thousand letters I sent her.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Paper Bag by Fiona Apple - Because it’s Fiona Apple, that’s why.

MOVIE - Star Wars - Because it’s Star Wars, that’s why.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

I am moving in a couple of weeks. This was something that was planned well before the great infection of ‘06, which is what I will refer to this time period in my life when retelling it to James Lipton on what will prove to be the lowest rated Inside the Actor’s Studio ever. My moving is a good thing because I hate where I live now.

I moved into the complex I’m in now because I remember it being nice and it was SUPER cheap. That should have been a red flag. You get what you pay for I guess. Since I moved in I’ve had my car broken into and my stereo stolen, and then today I was given another reaffirmation as to why my moving is a good thing.

I own a washer and dryer but put them in storage because the place I’m in didn’t have a hook up. That was something I completely overlooked when I moved in and it proved to be regrettable because I am a laundry freak. I do more laundry than is necessary because I love having clean clothes. It’s just one of the many things that makes me a wuss. I also alphabetize my shoes, have to buy two of everything when I shop and I have to have blue toilet water. I can’t believe some girl hasn’t snatched me up yet.

I hobbled to the communal laundry room today with laundry, quarters and detergent in hand. I started my laundry and went back home. I am not one to stand vigil with my laundry in a locked laundry room because I assume that no one will screw with my laundry. I assume this despite my having had clothes stolen from an apartment laundry room on three different occasions. I’m stupid like that.

I started my laundry today and hobbled back home to lay on my couch. I can’t sit for too long as the most recent hole in my leg is about the size of a silver dollar and a centimeter deep. You’re welcome for that visual.

After about forty-five minutes I hobbled back to put my laundry in the dryer. There wasn’t anyone in there just like earlier when I originally started my laundry. I started the dryers and hobbled on back to wait for my laundry to get done.

I went back about an hour later to get my laundry. I opened up the dryer and took my clothes out. I love the smell of laundry fresh out of the dryer. I am real big on things smelling good. This time was different. When I opened up the dryer I pulled my sheets out and realized that it smelled ‘spearminty’. I could’ve sworn I didn’t get spearmint detergent because I always get Surf and such a thing doesn’t exist.

I hauled my laundry back to my house and started to fold my laundry. It was at this point I noticed someone had thrown their chewed gum into the dryer and re-started it. Few times will gum illicit such a string of profanity from an individual, but today was one of those times.

I’m not sure what kind of motivation one has for doing such a thing as that but more power to you I suppose. “How can I best screw with someone? I have gum in my mouth and there is a dryer. Hell, why not?”

I really can’t wait to get better because this story about gummy clothes bores me and it happened to me.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - I’m Really Hot by Missy Elliot - Because I am. Snap!

MOVIE - Jaws - My mom saw this movie with my dad when it first came out and when they came home my mom was so scared she locked all the windows and doors. The thing is she lived in Oklahoma at the time. From what I understand my dad had a pretty good laugh about that one.

HEALTH STATUS - I was recently asked if I’m in the hospital yet. I am not. Yet. At this point a hospital stay would almost be welcome if it was going to make me better.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

So here we go again. I had my seventh surgery yesterday! Yay! Turns out that I don’t get a free turkey or anything. Damn. I feel bad that I know the staff at the surgery center as well as I do. They are all really nice but I’m sure they’re tired of seeing me. I’m tired of seeing me and I’m me.

I go to see an infectious disease doctor this Wednesday to find out exactly what I need to do to beat this staph infection. He is also the chief of staff at Mercy hospital. I guess that would make him the chief of STAPH! SNAP! I still got it.

At this point I am quite concerned with my situation. The abscesses that have formed on my legs are a result of the staph infection I have. The one I had surgery for earlier in the week got to be about the size of a baseball in little under twenty-four hours. The problem is that with staph infections, abscesses can form on the heart and in the lungs. That means that if one forms in my heart or lungs then I probably don’t have much time to be on this Earth at that point. I hope that doesn’t happen but there is a chance that it could.

I hope that I live long enough to accomplish certain things. I know that it is selfish to use this time to talk about those things but I really am not too concerned about that right now. I would like to know that I’ve made anyone happy. I would like to watch the kids I don’t have yet grow up and become more successful than me. That shouldn’t be too hard. That’s like falling off a log. A super fantsatic log made of failure and apathy.

I would like to have a job doing something that I love. That’s about it. Oh, and a woman who ‘gets’ me.

In reality I don’t have dreams that are too lofty. Maybe that’s because I left out the part about world domination, being on SNL and having billions of dollars.

I have to go now as I am in pain. Sorry amigos y amigas.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Tonight is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel by Barenaked Ladies - This song would make a great video but as it is years old I’m sure that’s not gonna happen.

MOVIE - SEVEN - This is one of my favorite movies and is one of the best screenplays ever written.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written and for that I apologize. I know it must be impossible to go a day without some Joel in your life. It’s not difficult at all? Damn. That means my ex-girlfriend was right all along.

I had surgery this last Tuesday again. That makes for six. If anyone is wanting to place bets on how many more I have, hold off because I am pretty sure I will have to have another tomorrow. This is not because I’m being negative or am psychic, but rather I am ninety percent sure that the old surgeon messed up my leg.

I had to see the old surgeon as the young surgeon was in Hawaii when yet another leg debacle took place earlier in the week. I hate surgery. There really is no positive side to it, other than the necessary medical aspect of it. I hate getting an IV and being knocked out. Six times. This can’t be good for my brain. I’m hoping that whatever drugs they give me to knock me out have no long term effect on my brain. I mean I feel pretty stupid, but that’s normal.

I am going to bed now. I just wanted you to know I’m getting stupider by the surgery and that I am really racking up the scars. If chicks dig scars and a sense of a humor than I’m the hottest guy on the planet.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Belief by John Mayer. I don’t care what you say, John Mayer is awesome.

MOVIE - Hard Candy. This movie is creepy as I’ll get out.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

Damn girl. I’m sorry for all the recent negativity. I don’t be meaning to be all sad and stuff. Sometimes a homey just be feeling down bout things. I promise you I be bringing it on the positive tip from now on girl. Fuh real.

I need to stop watching Sucka Free Sunday on MTV2.

A recent study conducted by the University of Western Ontario, Canada, revealed that men are smarter than women. This must come as welcome news to all the chauvinists in the world. “We got science to back us up now! Take that women!” While the study claims men are smarter than women, it was only by a margin of four points. That’s not enough of a margin to prove anything to me because I’ve always thought women were smarter than men anyway. I’m not sure when or how this started but for one to assume that someone is smarter based on their sex is among the more ludicrous things one can think.

I would write more but that’s all I go today. Be thankful you got this much Joel-tastic musings this fine Wednesday.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Sail to the Moon by Radiohead off of Hail to the Thief - I’m not sure if I really like them because they are good or if I like them because everyone else says they’re good. I know. It’s because they really are good. See how stupid I am and I’m a man.

MOVIE - Return of the Jedi - Speaking of chauvinist, sorry to do this, but two words Slave-Leia.

CELEBRITY - Oprah - Try telling her that men are smarter than women. That should make for compelling television. Compel-a-vision if you will.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

Having recently been a prisoner in my own house due to medical issues beyond my control, I have little to do all day other then ponder the joke that is my life up to this point. I have no special skills other than being moderately funny and the fact that I’m a relatively nice and thoughtful person. That’s about it as far as I can make out from my journey of daily self reflection coupled with ingesting opiates. No wife or kids. No endless wealth or good looks. Just my own self loathing with generous amounts of opiates as of recent. I think that I have honed my complaining skills though. Sorry you have to read about it but that’s kind of what I’m feeling right now.

In theory being home all day would be fine but it gets boring. I feel like a shut in. I can’t go to work, which is really not as bad as all that. Not being at work is fine by me. What isn’t fine by me is the five holes I’ve had carved into my body within the past month or so which is why I’m not at work. I would rather be off of work doing something fun like, I dunno, not being in pain would be good for starters.

The other thing about having all of this ‘free’ time is that I can only sit just long enough to write this blog which I usually try to keep as interesting as possible but not much is happening that is of interest to anyone I can think of, myself included. I can’t really write anything because I lose my train of thought. It’s odd how constant pain hinders one’s creativity. I wish I could have been spending this time writing a screenplay or making grand plans for my life but whenever I sit to write all that comes out is complaining. That sucks and I apologize for that.

The only thing that has been kind of interesting lately is a trip I took that in retrospect I shouldn’t have taken. I decided today that I would try to venture out of the house and go buy a book I wanted. I hobbled out to my car with the intention of heading to Borders in Norman. Halfway to Norman I realized that was a bad idea. I didn’t take any pain pills as I didn’t want to impair my already questionable driving skills. That was something I should have done, driving hazards be damned.

I arrived at Borders and got out of the car which turned out to be twice as painful an experience as getting into my car was. I hobbled into the store and looked for The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. I read about this book in Rolling Stone recently. I know that taking tips on literature from a magazine with soon to be forgotten pop moroness Fergie on the cover doesn’t say much for me, but we all make mistakes. The book is a compilation of what one needs to do make one’s self become powerful. Jay-Z used this book to help him become successful, so it can’t be all bad. I mean the guy is a millionaire and is dating Beyonce so that’s a good enough endorsement for me.

I found the book and then noticed a book right next to it by the same author entitled The Art of Seduction. That’s when I was faced with quite the decision. Do I get a book that will teach me to how to become powerful or do I get a book that will help me impress ladies? The easy answer is that I should have gotten the seduction book because I need all the help in the area of lady getting I can get. I was standing there with both books in hand. I only had money for one. What to do? Then I realized that power is a pretty attractive quality in a person and if one has power than one need not be adept at the art of seduction. Look at Donald Trump. I bought the power book.

That is all I did today. My weak self went and bought a book about how to be powerful while exuding all the confidence one can muster while in excruciating pain. I was a walking cliche. By walking I mean hobbling and by cliche I mean moron.

After that I came home, took some pain pills and slept like a log. A very tired log with holes in it. I haven’t started the power book yet but I’ll let you all (one person who reads this) know how it goes.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Love Sends a Little gift of Roses by Benny Goodman off the Yale Archives Vol. 10 - I don’t have a reason for this being the song other than that is the song I’m listening to right now.

MOVIE - Pulp Fiction. Just because it’s good.

CELEBRITY - Bob Barker - The man is a god and you know it.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

I had my fifth surgery last Thursday. This is turning into a weekly event for me. Some people have appointment TV viewing or go on dates every weekend. I seem to just get knocked the eff out and get gutted like a fish. Well, a fish with a staph infection. If I have to have surgery again I’ll get a free small french fry. Thanks Val-Pak!

A local news outlet recently ran a story about a young man who was a congressional page and their connection to the recent Mark Foley scandal. Mark Foley is a Florida congressman who recently resigned after it was made public that he had been sending explicit e-mails to young men who were congressional pages. This person interviewed claimed that the page scandal was all part of an elaborate prank by pages to ‘get’ Mark Foley.

Let’s assume this story isn’t one of the most ludicrous things I’ve ever heard. If indeed what this page says is true why wouldn’t Foley have stated that? Why go to all the trouble of saying you were a gay, alcoholic, molestation victim as opposed to a prank victim? Because he got caught doing something he knew he shouldn’t have.

I know a lot of people who are happy that the congressman in question is Republican. I can’t think why that matters to anyone. One of the many problems with this country is people’s automatic defense of their own political party and the default dislike of the opposing party that seems to afford them. “Well I’m a Democrat so it’s good when Republicans screw up. HA!” and vice versa. If we could take the political affiliation of someone out of the equation when determining one’s character we might be surprised.

Turns out that what people say and what they do are often at odds with each other. People are beginning to see that Republicans are just as ‘bad’ as Democrats. Affairs with interns and explicit e-mails seem to captivate this nation. Wait a minute. Hold on. Neither of those things has to do with anything that really matters at all? One of those things I mentioned happened over six years ago and the other isn’t really as bad as one might think? You say there’s a war going on where thousands of people are dying with no end in sight and that our president lied to us about all of it yet all we care about is some salacious e-mails? Huh. I’ll be damned.

01-20-09 - Oh sweet heavenly day.

Moving on.

I have never claimed to be a manly man. I’m a passivist vegetarian who doesn’t hunt or watch action movies that much. I’m not a fan of football and don’t subjugate women. I’m a wuss and I know it so this next part should come as no surprise now that you’re armed with the knowledge of my minuscule testosterone level. How much of a man am I not? I got angry with the Glade people this last week That’s right. Glade. The people who make things smell better. And no, I’m not gay.

When I went to pick up my kajillionth prescription at Not-Target last week I saw where the Glade folks are now schilling a scented candle-oil burning device. It’s basically a small candle that creates scented oil in the holder it comes in and then the scented oil also evaporates creating sweet smelling goodness in your home. Or so I thought.

I purchased said product with the intent of sweet odoriferous emanation taking place in my home compliments of the twelve dollars I threw down for two of the latest in Glade scent technology. Scent-ology if you will. It worked for about five minutes until the wick burnt out. I tried to re-light it to no avail. I had bought two so I tried the other one. That’s when the Glade people threw the proverbial gauntlet down. Their crap oil burning device never lit again. That was twelve dollars wasted. I’m not sure what will redeem them to me. This will be interesting to see how this lame tale plays out.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - When The World Ends by Dave Matthews Band - Because I’m a sappy wuss.

MOVIE - Tombstone - Because I’m not THAT much of a sappy wuss.

CELEBRITY - I figure I can go ahead and list a celebrity for the day. Not for any good reason really. So the first Right Now Celebrity? Fiona Apple. Assuming the world is perfect, and I actually had a say in the matter, there are many reasons why I would go out with Fiona Apple. First off, she’s incredibly talented. Second, she seems to have a good sense of humor. While those two things alone make her more ‘date-worthy’ than almost anyone I’ve ever dated, there is something else. The best thing about Fiona Apple is that she knows how to channel her ‘craziness’.

I’m not one who uses what one might consider the best of discretionary measures when choosing people to date. I seem to always end up with the type of woman who feels that I am her proverbial beating post. I date women who can’t seem to channel their ‘craziness’ at anyone but me. Nothing confirmed this more for me then when I got smacked in the middle of an Albertson’s or had someone throw their anger management book at me. In retrospect I probably should have seen that coming. The book I mean.

I think that the problem is that there was nowhere for all of the ‘craziness’ my ex-girlfriend had to go. Fiona gets it all out while on stage. She could be mad at me for anything she wants as long as she vents all of that anger on stage. I’ve had women I’ve dated get mad at me for no reason at all and then take that anger fueled by fabricated situations and scream at me. If Fiona made stuff up about me she could belt it out on stage! Perhaps my pissing her off, whether intentional or not would even make her shows better! Oh man that would be cool.

Ms. Apple seems to only date super successful types though. She dated director P.T. Anderson for a long time. She also dated super illusionist David Blaine. Aside from countless reasons for our never dating, it appears the biggest problem is that I didn’t write and direct a great movie like Boogie Nights or Magnolia or that I’ve never stood on a post for a month or asked strangers what card they are thinking of.

Then again, neither P.T. Anderson or David Blaine have written for LOOK @ OKC. Fiona Apple David. That works for me.

- Joel David

Rest in peace Buck.

www.myspace.com/joeldavidd
www.chkona.com