I recently finished watching the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards. Why I keep putting myself through this torture year after year is beyond me. I’m like some sort of entertainment masochist. I always approach the Video Music Awards with a sense of anticipation but am well aware that it could and probably will suck. Kind of like when I was a kid and looked forward to Christmas every year only for December to arrive and realize I was a Jehovah’s Witness. At least thats what my parents told me to get out of buying me gifts.
I figured the award show wouldn’t be all bad seeing as how Jack Black was hosting and he’s funny. Right? Well MTV apparently has the power to suck the funny out of almost anyone. Damn you MTV! Jack Black wasn’t the worst host the show has had. Jimmy Fallon hosted a few years ago and I can’t blame MTV for his not being funny. He was just born that way.
The show started with Justin Timberlake, or as I call him, the black Michael Jackson, performing a song from his upcoming album. I don’t care how lame a fella this next statement makes me sound but I like Justin. He is clearly the new king of pop. His performance was probably the best of the night with Beyonce’s a close second. I dunno if I’m saying that because it was good or because I want to marry Beyonce, but does it really matter? Take the compliment Beyonce! Also, this is a message for Beyonce. Look, if you ever get tired of dating the ultra successful genius that is Jay-Z or if he messes up and you want to make him jealous, just know I’ll probably be available. Just hit me up because I’m sure nothing would piss Jay off more than knowing you were dating a chunky white loser. Everyone wins. He gets jealous and I get to date you. Ok, so maybe you don’t win but that’s what you get for dating me. Sorry Beyonce, but thems the breaks kiddo.
I loved the OK GO performance. I also liked Christina Aguilera’s performance. Sure it was good but something happened during the performance that made me laugh. The main stage had a catwalk that jutted out into the crowd so the crowd was eye level with the feet of the performers. As Christina made her way down the catwalk some moron reached up and grabbed a hold of the hem of her dress. I don’t know if it was a leper who thought that Christina had Christ like healing powers or if it was just a dope. I’m gonna go with dope. What exactly is the thought process of someone who does that? “Oohhh! I can reach out and grab Christina’s dress while she’s singing! That should impress her! I mean if someone grabbed the visor off of my head at Mc Donald’s while I was working I’d be impressed!” Morons.
One of the few, and by few I really am reaching, highlights of the evening was that the Raconteurs played short versions of their songs throughout the night in between presenters or when the show returned from commercial. That was sweet. At one point they had Lou Reed playing with them and then later they had Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top. While that may have seemed like a cool idea in theory, I promise you that ninety-nine percent of MTV’s core audience thought Lou Reed was just some old dude and Billy Gibbons was a terrorist. “Why is Osama Bin what’s his face playing the guitar?” Putting those two in front of that crowd probably garnered the same perplexity as if one were to hand an iPod to an old person. “Is this to help keep me regular?!”
What happened to old fashioned rock n’ roll controversy? Remember when the guy from Rage Against The Machine climbed that weird sculpture? Remember when Eminem got into a scuffle with Triumph? What about the year that 50 Cent yelled at the crew that was Fat Joe? Those were situations that were kind of interesting when broadcast live but that MTV edited out for rebroadcast. I guess rock n’ roll controversy is edited out in post nowadays. Thanks for keeping it real MTV!
I reached a point where I wanted anything of interest to happen. Al Gore came out at one point to show pictures of glaciers, because if it’s one thing that fans of Paris Hilton and Laguna Beach care about, it’s the environment. Al Gore took the stage after the cast of Jackass had presented an award and I was actually hoping that Wee-Man from Jackass would run up to Al Gore and punch him in the crotch. I voted for Gore and would do it again but dammit if that wouldn’t have made the show a whole lot more interesting.
The closest thing to controversy came at the end of the three hour and twenty minute show when that guy who looks like Lebron James that crashes almost all awards shows highjacked the stage and was somehow piped into the sound system. He took presenter J. Lo off guard and went ahead and starting talking about how he never got a show on MTV and shouted his website’s name right before he got taken off of the stage. It is really kind of disturbing that this guy can get into supposed high security situations. Maybe awards show directors looking for controversy or something to generate any interest for people watching, just keep that dude on standby. “Yeah, show sucks, I know. I guess go get that guy who looks like Lebron for a ‘surprise’ appearance.”
Other ‘highlights’? Recently free from incarceration Lil Kim took the stage in an orange jumpsuit then took it off and said “You can’t keep a good bi–h down!” Isn’t jail cool kids? She also thanked everyone who stood by her during her struggle in prison. She’s not Nelson Mandela. I had mono longer than she was in jail. She’s not some hard core rapper either who went to jail for capping someone over a drug deal gone awry. She went to prison on perjury charges. I don’t seem to remember perjury being a sign of a hard core gangsta from the hood but I guess times have changed.
At the end of the show, Axl Rose took the stage to introduce The Killers. Axl looked like that forty-six year old creepy guy from your neighborhood who lives with his mom and drives a Trans Am with only one t-top because one got stolen. The guy you can always tell is about to arrive in your neighborhood because you can hear him blasting Skid Row from his tape deck three blocks away. The guy who has a tattoo that says something like “Class of ‘77 Forever” over a fire breathing dragon that is smoking pot with a naked lady on it’s back while flying over a rainbow. The type of guy who mows his lawn wearing nothing but cut off jean shorts while holding a can of beer and smoking a Marlboro. The kind of weirdo that hangs out in front of his garage with a battered foam ice chest full of Natural Lite beer. The type of dude that will tell you all about Vietnam, even though he was only there for a week before getting shot in the arm and “Taking one for Uncle Sam.” The guy who goes out of his way to give intimate details about the women he’s slept with in his life. The guy who feels that life has done him wrong and how it’s not his fault all women hate him. “It’s just the way I choose to live my life man. Women can’t deal with it.” Guys with names like Kenny or, well, Axl.
I know that everyone has the choice whether or not to watch something but with something like the MTV awards you kind of hope that something relevant will happen. You kind of hope it won’t suck and that the whole night won’t be a waste of time peppered with shout outs to God from some talentless individual. The Pussycat Dolls won an award for crying out loud. The Pussycat Dolls? Spice Girls 2?
Award shows aren’t good. I know that. I guess I just expect a little more from an awards show on a network that was once synonymous with youthful rebellion. I grew up in a home where my parents wouldn’t let me watch MTV because it might turn me into a devil worshiping heathen. My future children will grow up not being allowed to watch MTV because it sucks.
There were plenty of other things wrong with the show. No one mentioned the troops in Iraq. No one mentioned that our president sucks or that New Orleans is still in a state of disarray a full year after Hurricane Katrina. I guess it’s hard to remember things that matter when your blinged out, thanking God, your producers and your management team.
I have a whole year left to anticipate disappointment. Please prove me wrong MTV. Please.
I have to go now and watch fifty episodes of NEXT and Pimp My Ride.
- Joel David
I would like to thank God for this blog entry. Big ups God! I would also like to thank all the people who supported me for the last twenty minutes as I wrote this. I gots to thank my moms. Thanks moms! Uh, who else? Jacob. Chad. Mookie Boombastic the wickedest emcee who be holdin it down for the four oh five! Represent! Mr. Dawg 1 for keeping it real! Pharell for providing me with dope beats. Beyonce, you my girl. All the fans. Thanks. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you guys. Uh, oh gosh, who am I forgetting? Hype Williams for directing this blog. You the best dawg! My manager Rick. The people at Ch Kona Entertainment. Everyone at Newsok.com. Melissa, Lindsey, Tay, Jaqueline, Ron. Props to Alan for making this thing a reality. Be on the look out for my new blog entry which drops next week! Holla!