I’m not really sure why I can’t think of a subject worthy of writing an entire entry about. Probably because I don’t think many people get past this part right here. See. You’ve already stopped reading, and if you haven’t stopped reading, God knows you’ll never get this time back so you should probably do your life a favor and stop reading.
Still reading? Wow. You must really hate yourself. Oh well. On with the drivel!
This past weekend was my friend Lesley’s birthday so we got a bunch of people together and headed on down to the big Riverwind Casino in Norman. It was incredible. I don’t mean incredible in that I sound like a bumpkin who is enthralled by flashing lights and big buildings either. I mean, sure, that was impressive and all, but what was INCREDIBLE was the people. Sweet merciful god it was amazing. I had a great time there because, well, I spent most of it with my friends in the bar ‘observing the goings on’. Ok. So it was actually more like watching a documentary on greasy scrunchies and sweat stained tank tops. My friend Jason remarked “If this place blew up right now there would be empty Wal-Marts all over the metro tomorrow.” Thanks to the casino I now know where all the people I see at the fair go in the ‘off season’.
I also saw feats of strength while there! I saw people miraculously propping themselves out of their wheelchairs to reach the slot to plug quarters into a machine that is going to do nothing but flash colorful pictures of random animals or fruit. I saw elderly people dragging their oxygen tanks behind them like a cylindrical green robot on wheels. I guess when one is that close to death no one really cares if the ill spend some time plugging quarters into a machine that gives them more hope than their own life ever could.
Not surprising, the waitresses were quite attractive. Our waitress came up to us and asked if we wanted anything and I said “Do you have Newcastle?” and she said, “Yeah! I’m from Newcastle!”. Feeling kind of bad I informed her that I was talking about the English beer and not the Oklahoma town. She was a little embarrassed and said they didn’t have it. I asked for a Heineken instead. When she came back after a few minutes she looked at me and said “Heineken?” and I said “Yeah. I’m from Heineken.” That was funny. Just re-read it with wacky inflection and it will get funnier. If it doesn’t get funnier remember that I told you to stop reading this a long time ago so you have no one to blame but yourself.
After hanging out at the casino for a while we left to go to a bar. The casino only serves beer and no liquor. That is a surprise seeing as how them Indians love their firewater! Snap! I’m kidding, I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. Put the tomahawk down Cochese. Jeez.
We left the casino and headed over to Al Eschbach’s Bar, Grill and home for wayward drunken college girls, on Campus Corner in Norman, where I had probably the worst experience with a waitress I’ve ever had. It was me, Lesley, Adam, Braxton, Jason and his wife Aeron and Chad and his girlfriend Angela. So eight people. I suppose I could have just said there were eight people as opposed to naming everyone off but come Christmas time I’ll be like “I didn’t buy you anything because you’ve been immortalized in my blog you ungrateful heathens! Now where’s my gift?” That ought to not piss off my friends.
We all sat down and our waitress took our order. No problem. That wouldn’t last long though. As the night progressed the frequency with which she was returning to our table dwindled. Why did this happen? It happened because, as she told us upon one of her too few trips to our table, that her ex-boyfriend had walked in and she was really upset about it. She was trying to hold back tears. My friend Chad remarked, after she left the table, “I get the feeling she’s not the one who ended it.”
As the night went on she would take our order but then go and talk to another table behind us. She told us that they were her friends, however she still wouldn’t bring our drinks. We counted and the table full of her friends ordered and got their drinks twice before we got our one order. “She was distraught Joel. She had her ex walk in and that’s hard on a girl. That’s why she forgot your order.” I can see your point of view Clarence. Clarence is the name of the imaginary voice in my head today. See, I can see where she might be distraught, Clarence, but I think it was the booze. Oh, did I forget to mention that she was getting hammered the whole night? Sorry.
There were two tables that bought her shot after shot after shot because she was upset. We saw this with our own eyes. She kept telling us that she was getting drunk and we were cool with her because she was upset, and hammered, but it got to the point where it was ridiculous. She was bringing us drinks we didn’t order and then not bringing us what we did order. It was a debacle that could only be inadvertently orchestrated by an alcoholic coed with a broken heart. I wanted to punch her ex, whoever he was, because it was his fault we weren’t getting our drinks. Bastard.
When the time came for her to bring us our tabs, we all waited with anticipation to see exactly how badly they had gotten screwed up. We had divided it four ways, and as sure as she had a hangover the next day, they were all jacked up. We asked for itemized tabs and you would have thought we asked her to kill a puppy with her teeth. She started weeping. I don’t mean a few tears either, I mean WEEPING like one would after watching Schindler’s List then going to a funeral and then hitting a cat and then going home only to find out that your house burned down with all of your belongings in it right before your car gets stolen and then someone tells you you’re fired, all on your birthday. My friend Adam and I pulled up a chair for her and told her to sit down. She honestly got tears on me and Adam she was crying so hard. She just kept apologizing for how drunk she was because people bought her shots and her ex was in the building. We didn’t buy her a shot because, well, it probably never would have gotten to our table because we ordered it.
After what I’m sure was a nervous breakdown in the making, she brought us itemized tabs, and not shockingly they were all wrong. There was a slew of drinks on there we never ordered. I told her to go ahead and give me a napkin and a pen and I would write out what we all ordered, as I was sober enough to do so. Actually I think she may have been the most drunk person in there.
I gave her the napkin and she came back with new tabs then threw a paper on the table and in between tears, said “This is the amount I’m going to have to pay and I really don’t care.” I told her that she didn’t have to pay for those because what was on the tab she put down was a list of drinks that no one at our table ordered. She got even more upset and my friend Aeron just gave her the money to get her to stop crying. It was pretty disconcerting.
I felt bad for the waitress, but as the night went on, and we all saw her getting as drunk as everyone at our table hoped to be, I realized that no matter what we did, there was no getting her to do her job. No one got angry with her at our table and we were patient with her, but it was awful. I am not going to mention her by name because I don’t want to be that guy, but it was a pretty bad night and I doubt we’ll go back there anytime soon.
I probably wasted an opportunity that frat guys and car salesmen worldwide live for. A drunk, hot and newly single waitress?! Man oh man I wasted a golden opportunity. Well not really an opportunity so much as a chance to get a number from a cute girl with severe emotional problems. Then again everyone I’ve dated has severe emotional problems so it’s probably for the best I didn’t get her number. Maybe it was just an elaborate rouse to get me to not think she was cute. Well played drunken waitress! Well played!
So that’s my tale of nothingness for the day. Go me!
RIGHT NOW
SONG – Serge by Folk Implosion off of the album One Part Lullaby. I need to write a movie around this song. I would also like for this song to be my introduction music whenever I get my own one night comedy special. It’s a pretty awesome song.
MOVIE – Little Miss Sunshine. Funniest movie of the year and my favorite movie of the year so far.
- Joel David