JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

The Oklahoma Primary is today so I got up bright and early to exercise my civic duty. I went to the polling location anticipating the excitement of seeing the democratic process in action. I anticipated throngs of people just like me waiting to rock their vote! Turns out I was the only one ready to get their vote rocked. It was me and the three people staffing the place. They were as old as my grandmother and I’m pretty sure one of them wasn’t even part of the process as opposed to just some lost elderly guy.

I wasn’t going to let the apathy of my town’s citizens get me down though.

I went ahead and took my ballot after the woman working verified who I was. The crazy thing is that she didn’t ask for my ID or voter card. I just signed the paper. That’s some quality voter fraud thwarting right there. “What’s the best way to make sure nothing bad happens?” “Uh, get Gladys to look over the books. She’s got horrible eyesight and rarely checks people’s IDs so I’m sure nothing bad will happen.”

With patriotic ballot marker in hand I wielded my pen like a mighty decision making sword of justice! That’s pretty much what it is when you’re ROCKING YOUR VOTE! YEAH! In all actuality it was just a cheap ass marker that smelled faintly of black licorice. Black licorice and ROCKED VOTES!

When it comes to who gets my rocked vote, this decision is one that should not be made hastily. It should be made with much consideration after researching every candidate and what it is they bring to the political table. The candidate you choose should reflect concern with the types of issues that are important to you. The choice you make for who you vote for may have an impact on your city and state for years to come so don’t make a decision you’ll regret. Or you could do what I do and just choose to vote for whomever was waving at you while they were holding a political sign.

All of the votes I cast today were based on political signs I saw people holding on the way into work today. That’s why, if my vote means anything, the new governor will be “Little Caeser’s LARGE Pizza For Five Bucks!” with Lt. Governor ‘Vietnam Vet – Disabled –Need Money for Food”.

- Joel David

A couple of days ago our lord and savior George W. Bush said a word that most everyone in America has either heard, used, or both heard and used for a good part of their adult lives. Or maybe your childhood. Who am I to judge? Anyway he said this word at the G8 summit during a conversation with England’s Prime Minister, Tony Blair, while discussing the current crisis in the middle east. That word was sh*t, only without the asterisk because I’m not sure how you would even go about saying that. People are acting like this is the most shocking and horrible thing President Bush has ever done.

People want to know why such a conversation was being held with microphones and cameras nearby. Well you can’t expect the president to worry about using discretion in a situation like that. What situation? A scheduled informal luncheon/press conference where cameras and microphones from worldwide press outlets would be used. He can’t worry about there being the possibility that what he might say might be recorded by cameras or microphones that were in plain sight of everyone in attendance. Besides, if you’ve the seen the video footage, he was too busy buttering up a roll and feeding his insatiable Texas sized appetite! Yee-haw! That’s a lot for a man of his political stature or intellectual capacity to handle all at once. “Ok. Butter the roll first. Talk to this crazy English guy and then talk with my mouthful and go ahead and not curse. It’s too much for me to handle! Awww sh*t!”

In all honesty I don’t know why people are so shocked by this. I mean, yeah, he should have maybe acted a little more ‘presidential’ I suppose. However if you think that him saying sh*t is shocking, let me point something out that personally is more shocking than uttering an expletive.

He exercised his veto power for the first time in six years recently to halt federal funding to advance embryonic stem cell research. Take that crippled children and Alzheimer’s patients! You know, when Nancy Reagan, the wife of arguably the biggest conservative hero of all time, asks you to please not veto a bill as the experiments with stem cell research will possibly save lives, and you ignore that request, that is, well, not surprising at all actually. I mean it is George W. Bush after all. He does label himself as pro-life so it was expected coming from a man with such obvious clear cut morals.

However, because of something called ‘logic’, I don’t think you can be pro-life and pro-war or pro-life and pro-death penalty. That’s like saying you’re not racist but you still hate those pesky Asians. It doesn’t work that way. Perhaps pro-lifers should find a new term for themselves, if their being pro-life conflicts with other views they may have. A term more specific and less all encompassing of all things that would indicate ones being entirely and unabashedly protecting of life in any form. Like ‘anti-abortion but pro death penalty’ or ‘ person who is pro-life before it begins but once you’re out you’re on your own’ or ‘hypocrite’. I like that last one the best.

Just a side note to the veto of yesterday. After President Bush vetoed the bill he was surrounded by babies and toddlers who began life as frozen embryos and were later adopted. I call them ‘kidsicles’. I thought it was interesting, at least from what I saw that none of the ‘kidsicles’ were in a wheelchair and all of them seemed to be standing. Probably because we don’t have cures for crippling diseases like those suffered by hundreds of thousands of wheelchair bound people worldwide. If only there was some sort of way to make sure diseases like that could be treated and possibly cured one day to ease the pain of people all over the world. Oh. Right. I forgot. That’s not pro-life at all. That’s more of a ‘pro make people’s lives less painful and worth living’ stance.

At least with the veto we now know where God stands on this issue. How do I know that? Because apparently God talks directly to George W. Bush. I guess God forgot to tell him about loving thy neighbor but that’s just semantics at this point. It’s easier to pick and choose what to believe.

Let’s not forget his thinly veiled callousness involving his sending our soldiers to die for a cause based on lies. As of this writing there are 18,988 wounded American soldiers and 2,554 American soldiers who never made it back as a result of the war. Let’s not forget about the Iraqis who are so happy we came over there. Just ask them. I mean there are 39,520 Iraqis who probably aren’t too happy we showed up, but they’re dead now so it’ll be kind of hard to ask them. I wonder if they were pro-life.

The President cares about nothing more than being right. Well, that and protecting life by his definition. To him life begins before it starts but once it starts he could care less. He sends soldiers to die for what exactly? He holds the record for most death penalties being carried out as governor for what again? He was even so concerned with protecting life that he went ahead and ignored clear cut warnings that 9-11 was going to take place. But it’s cool because I suppose when all you care about is maintaining the quality of your own life, it’s easy to not care about anyone else’s. I do think it may become more and more difficult with the passing of time for him to claim he is pro-life what with the blood of so many people on his hands. There is no soap strong enough to remove those stains.

RIGHT NOW

SONG – String Quartet in F Major by The Ysaye Quartet - I’m not that refined to truly appreciate classical music. Want proof? That’s the song from the opening credits from The Royal Tenenbaums. That’s how I know it. I’m a moron.

- Joel David

I saw a commercial today that made me initially laugh and then left me disappointed. It was almost like every Rob Schneider movie I’ve ever seen. It was a commercial for Nutri-System. I had seen commercials for this product before but this commercial had a tone to it that can best be described as the blatant exploitation of the shallowness of the male consciousness.

The commercial started with a male spokesperson asking general questions. “Men, are you tired of not having energy?” Sure. “Are you tired of the way you look?” Yep. “Is your sex life not what is used to be? Well that can all change if you join Nutri-System.” The hell you say. The commercial even had testimonials of previously fat fellas saying “Ever since I lost all this weight I’ve gotten non-stop action from ladies.” Well he didn’t say that but he may as well have. The entire premise of this commercial was that if you buy this product then you will receive an abundance of attention from women.

I know that sex is used constantly to push products to men. Buy a sports car, get action. Buy this brand of beer and women will like you. Buy this spray-on deodorant and women will come a running. At this point in our evolution it is disappointing that this still works. I can’t fault businesses for trying to make money by way of making their product appealing to one the most primal urges men have, but are we not better than this guys?

Look, this is for the men out there, and I hate to point out something so obvious, but if you guys buy something because you think it will make women find you attractive, you’re a sucker. Women don’t care about the type of things you see in advertisements. You think any woman has ever gone “Whoa! He drinks Heineken so I better go over there and talk to him.”? Some women respond to things like cars, or clothes or beer, but is that really the type of woman you want? If it is, then by all means go for it, but remember that you deserve what you get. You can’t complain after a few months about how you had no idea what a shallow individual she is. You had to know that, but too often men let their hormones do the thinking for them.

C’mon guys, be better than buying a product under the guise of guaranteed action from women. Your hormones are the worst judge of character you could ever have. I’m not saying that buying certain things won’t attract certain women. Feel free to buy yourself things you think will get you a woman. That is if you want to end up dating a Paris Hilton clone who will leave you when the money runs out.

On a totally different subject, Dwight and Sarah of the Two-Headed Blog have created their own website and will no longer be a part of the Look @ OKC Blog-o-sphere. I am sad to see them go because their blog was definitely an asset to this site. Their insightful commentary and wit will be missed. However, all is not lost as you can still check them out at www.twoheadedblog.com.

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Podcast - The Joel David Show - It’s the best podcast you’re not listening to. However, if you are listening to it, thanks. If you’re not, you’re just not cool and living a very unfulfilled life.

- Joel David

It has been an entire year since I started writing this blog. An entire year of crazy tales, political commentary and cynical angst all sprinkled with a dash of humor. Ok, maybe not ‘sprinkled with a dash’ so much as ‘drowned in a vat’ of humor, but you get the point.

Since the inception of this blog, I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to write a bi-weekly column that appears in the paper copy of Look @ OKC. My print column allows those not fortunate enough to read the laugh-tastic adventures of Joel David on the magic internet box to read it in paper form. A paper that anyone can pick up at any one of sixteen thousand convenient metro locations! Just imagine being able to revel in the literary mediocrity that is pretty much anything I write.

Another opportunity that’s been afforded me since I started this blog is that I’ve been able to unleash on the world the funniest thing you’ll ever hear. “Ashley Simpson singing a duet with Toby Keith?” No. I said funny, not appallingly pathetic. I have brought The Joel David Show to this planet. It is a hilarious show starring me, super producer and owner of Ch Kona Entertainment, Chad Conant, and super comedy writer Jacob Dyck. We talk about everything from death to Saved by the Bell, not that there’s much of a difference between the two. The Joel David Show is funny and it is free. Tell your friends. Visit the Look site and check it out. You’ll be glad that you can finally put a voice to the genius that is me.

Keep in mind we don’t get paid to do these shows so the least you can do for getting all of that funny for free is send the link to your friends so they can enjoy life as much you do because of our show! The Joel David Show makes life better for everyone!

Now that I’ve shamelessly plugged our show, let me go ahead and talk about all that has happened in the past year. I drive a newer car than I did a year ago. I now drive a ’93 Accord which is honestly the nicest car I’ve ever driven. It is hail damaged but I don’t care. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. Like my ex-girlfriend. She had some pretty substantial hail damage but it was what was on the inside that counted. Wait. She had no heart and was full of spite for mankind. Bad analogy. The other difference between her and my car is that I can still ride in my car. YAHTZEE!

It’s that kind of hilarity you’ll get on The Joel David Show available free for the download at lookatokc.newsok.com. We now return you back to the blog already in progress.

In the past year I was diagnosed by my doctor as suffering from high blood pressure! He says it’s a result of lack of activity and stress! So far I have done nothing to remedy that! Oh boy, I can almost smell the stroke coming! Perhaps if you and your friends listened to the Joel David Show on a regular basis I might have a reason to become active because I’ll have the knowledge that my life’s work of bringing the world comedy isn’t a wasted endeavor!

As far as the stress goes, I really thought that I had that beat, but I found out today I don’t. I was told a few weeks ago I was going to be laid off. That sucks big time seeing as how I’ve worked for the same company loyally for twelve years. However what didn’t suck was because I was getting laid off, I was to get a decent chunk of change which would have allowed me to pursue my dream of being a writer for a television comedy. For the first time in my life I had hope I wouldn’t have to work at this horrible job anymore! A light at the end of the tunnel! I actually was in a good mood without being drunk! Whoo boy the future was looking great.

Until today.

I found out today that if two people in my office get a transfer, the job I don’t want is saved! Go me! I get to keep a job that’s slowly killing me while moving closer to death with each moment that passes and getting further and further away from my dream. Hoo boy does that do wonders for the old BP! I could totally be happier about this whole situation!

Now I know it’s weird for me to complain about the very real possibility of me NOT getting laid off. Here is the thing. My dad died at 39, jobless, with a mortgage, a wife, and five kids. That guy was miserable. I know that he wished he would have followed his dreams, but sometimes life has other plans. He had responsibilities. That was his fault.

I don’t have any responsibilities beyond my debt, which is pretty unsubstantial. I am just very afraid I’m going to die young having never followed my dreams. What kind of an example is that for the kids I don’t have yet? I can tell you it makes for a horrible example as a child of someone who never tried. The promise of a layoff kind of took the edge off of that fear because I would have gotten a bit of money. That all went to crap today. I just don’t want to turn out like he did. Miserable and dead. There’s nothing I can do about not dying but I can certainly try to not be miserable.

Depressed now? Well download The Joel David Show on lookatokc.newsok.com! That will cheer you right up! I promise! And if I’m lying, well too bad for you because it must suck to not have a sense of humor! Sha boing!

One year of blogging banality down and however many years of this left. I guess as long as they let me continue to write while in a methadone fueled haze, I’ll keep doing so. I do promise to cut the cynicism and up the positive vibes next time. Even the funniest of us has demons. Mine all wear funny hats and juggle, but they’re demons nonetheless.

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SONG – Sleep to dream by Fiona Apple. I’m in love with her despite what people might think. It kind of is par for the course as far as my attraction to unstable people goes. I am attracted to her because she is talented, and if she acts like a crazy person while performing that means, theoretically, she won’t go psycho on me when we’re at home.

MOVIE – The Pimptastic Adventures of Ricky Boombastic, Detroit’s Favorite Son. This movie doesn’t exist anywhere but in my mind and it is the coolest blaxploitation film of all time. If only you were cool enough to waste time thinking of pointless drivel like that.

FUNNIEST SHOW YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO - The Joel David Show on lookatokc.newsok.com. Me, Chad and Jacob need you to listen. If you don’t listen to our show your puppy might get punched. Not really, but that is a pretty funny image. It’s not? Oh. Sorry.

Holla.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd
www.myspace.com/thejoeldavidshow
joeldavidshow@gmail.com

This is the first time I’ve written something without an intended purpose. Much like how I go through life. Things aren’t good, but they aren’t bad. It’s like some sort of ‘virtual purgatory’, which is also the name of my favorite fake band I just made up in my head.

Here is a topic that I can discuss with the imaginary person who makes all my decisions for me.

I wish I knew how to deal with small talk. When I’m at work and someone says hello, I reactively, and regrettably, respond by saying “How’s it going?” which more often than not results in people responding. “Oh, I can’t wait for Friday!” Who cares? “Good except for all this heat!” Uh, ok. My personal favorite is “Can’t complain but if I did, who would listen? Am I right?!” Clever.

I’m not saying that people should be mean and rude, but what are all of these mini-conversations accomplishing? Nothing! I’m not a gruff old man who doesn’t like people, I just think a polite nod and a smile ought to be enough. I know it’s hot. I know you’re glad it’s almost five. I know that you can’t wait for vacation. I get it. I get it because I’m not stupid. Small talk is patronization at it’s worst.

Here is a proposal for a fun little social experiment. Try to eliminate small talk. Get to know a stranger or even someone you’ve known for a long time but have done little more than exchange pleasantries with. You’ll probably find something interesting out about a person and maybe make a new friend. The next time someone says “So what do you think of this weather?” respond with something like “Oh y’know. Hey, what is your favorite baseball team?” You can replace baseball team with movie or restaurant or any litany of things not associated with goofy ass quips about work or the weather.

If anything you could freak that person out with your weird questions which is well worth it. I promise.

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SONG – Jenny From the Block by J. Lo. Sue me.

MOVIE – Garden State. It’s a great movie that will make you wish you were in love. What’s that? You already are? Oh. Well never mind then.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd
www.myspace.com/thejoeldavidshow
joeldavidshow@gmail.com