Hello.
My birthday is this Friday. Yay. That was sarcasm. Anyway, what with my birthday coming up, I was thinking about what I want. No one has EVER asked me what I want for my birthday, so I am gonna go ahead and tell all of you now. Take that dad!
I figured since everyone asks for certain things, iPod, money, a date with Jennifer Aniston, that I would list things I want but know that no matter what I do in this life, I will never get. Whether it is a money issue, a time travel issue, or any other scientific impossibility, here is the list of impossible birthday gifts I know I’ll never get.
I would like to be able to fly. There isn’t a good reason for this other than that it’s effing flying! I could save money on gas, and also rescue people who can only be rescued with the aide of those who can fly. If I were talking to someone I didn’t want to talk to I could just zoom away. “I’m off to somewhere that isn’t here, jackass!” and then leave that person standing there just going “I didn’t even know he could fly. Wow.”
I would like to play the role of Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction. Now I know that the movie is twelve years old and Travolta kicked ass, but I could have done just as good. Actually I would have sucked but dammit it would have been cool to be in that movie.
I would like a statue of me to be erected in the center of Moore OK. I was born there, just like Toby Keith. Unlike Toby Keith however, I am not a millionaire country singer, so a statue ain’t gonna happen. I want a statue though because I would like to know that whenever a tornado rips through that town again that there will be a chance that a statue of me would be vaulted into the atmosphere and land miles away. Local news crews would report “This large headed statue of comedian, writer, Nobel Prize winner, husband to Penelope Cruz, and the man who cured AIDS and cancer, Joel David, who was beloved by millions, has landed in this field as a result of the recent tornado in Oklahoma. Quite the anomaly. Back to you in the studio Steve.” That would be cool. Also if there was a statue of me, high school kids could vandalize it as a sign of teenage rebellion. “We totally wrote on that statue of that dope. I hate that guy.” Man oh man that would be sweet.
I would like to have a six-pack. Not of beer or the movie with Kenny Rogers either. I want dope ass six pack abs like Brad Pitt had in Fight Club. Of course, due to the physical abnormality that is my physique, I just don’t see that happening. Ladies are gonna have to love me for something other than looks or money. Sorry ladies! Actually I’m the one who suffers because of that. Damn you chubby physique!
I would like to see the Beatles perform live. Gonna have to wait until I die to see that though. Dammit!
I would like to appear on an episode of Lost or 24. I know that I don’t have cancer or AIDS or some other disease worthy of a cameo on a TV show as part of a dying wish. However, here is the loophole. We are all dying. Slowly. Technically when you are born you start to die, so in a sense I am dying. Science says I have about forty to fifty years left on the ol planet here which is more than enough time for the folks at ABC or FOX to hire me to fly out to Hawaii and appear as ‘Patient #1′ or ‘Other #43′ or ‘Guy who gets the sh-t kicked out of him by Jack Bauer #4,625’. That would be fine with me.
I would like an honorary doctorate from UCLA. I really wanted to attend there when I was younger but my parents moved me out to Oklahoma when I was a kid. Ever since then I’ve been working just to pay the ol bills. I would like to go back to UCLA but I really don’t have the money.I don’t care what it is a doctorate of. A doctorate of funny would fine. I haven’t done anything in this life to earn much of anything though, but maybe poor + funny + begging = honorary doctorate. Here’s hoping!
I want to own the Mach 5. Of all the things I’ve listed, this is the most viable wish. The Mach 5 is the car Speed Racer drove in the cartoon of the same name. You can buy one for $250,000 dollars. I would use it as my everyday car. I would also hire a monkey and an Asian kid to hide in the trunk so whenever I would go anywhere they would jump out and I would act surprised. “Spridle and Chim-Chim?! What are you doing in the trunk?” It would be awesome.
I would like a girlfriend who loves me for who I am, not the person she wants me to be. I want to be loved for things I do that I didn’t even know were lovable. I want to know that no matter where I go or what I do that there is someone in this world who loves me and can’t wait to spend time with me. I want to be missed when I’m gone.
Like I said, that Mach 5 is the most viable thing on the list.
RIGHT NOW
SONG - The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves. “I can’t live, I can’t breathe unless you do this with me.” I’m pretty sure those lyrics aren’t about CPR.
MOVIE - Mr. Smith goes to Washington. If only politicians had the unbridled idealism portrayed in this movie, we might all be a little better off.
Holla.
- Joel