JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

Much like hitting on a Hooter’s girl, there is no good reason I am writing. Just bored I suppose. When you have to sit at a job you hate, but that you are getting laid off from, your work ethic tends to wane.

I saw Superman this past week. It was good and it has inadvertently given me another chance to address the ludicrous nature of religion as a whole. I’ve read where people are upset about the parallels between the story of Christ and Superman. Let’s take a look.

- They both were only sons sent by their fathers to save mankind.

- Jesus felt like a societal outcast, as does Superman.

- Superman can heal lepers as is evident in Action Comics #823 “Superman Vanquishes The Leper Menace!” from November of 1943.

- They both could fly, wore tights, and were bulletproof.

Ok, so I’m kidding. I just feel that while there may be parallels in entertainment to religious stories, there is no way that your personal faith should be affected by that. That is unless you have the weakest faith ever. “Oh no! A spell casting child or a flying man from space or a movie about some fictional code! I just don’t know what to believe because I am so easily swayed by entertainment and I just can’t seem to make a decision without consulting a book or people I go to church with. Oh well. I guess I’ll just go ahead and disavow everything I hold to be true because I am that weak of person.”

Get over it is what I’m saying. Whether it is a Danish cartoon, a movie about an alien or some spell casting kid, I’m sure that you’re religious leader would want you to do better things than worry about some movie or book or comic. It’s just my opinion Jimbo Jackson!

RIGHT NOW

SONG – The horrible song by Shai from the nineties. I have had that song running through my head for way too long. “I will be sure that the lady is a man.” It doesn’t go that way but it sure sounds like it.

MOVIE – Kill Bill Vol. 2. It will make you glad you have eyes.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd
www.myspace.com/thejoeldavidshow
joeldavidshow@gmail.com

Hello.

I had a weekend of fantastic things. I don’t mean ‘fantastic’ like I met a girl and my life changed, but more of an enchanted type of fantastic. It started Friday night when I went to Citywalk. I saw a couple of things there that kicked off my weekend of fantastic.

Friday night I met my friend Lesley and some of her friends at Citywalk in that upstairs bar with the weird jungle motif. That bar is like someone hit up the leopard print clearance aisle at Hobby Lobby and said “Hell. Let’s make us a bar!” I doubt such an aisle has ever existed though.

So now it was time for fantastic thing one of the weekend. I’m not sure which one of Lesley’s friends ordered this particular shot, but it may have been one of the most elaborate shots I’ve ever seen. The bartender set up five regular glasses in a row, all equally spaced about an inch apart, and then set shot glasses on top of the spaces between the regular sized glasses. The regular glasses were filled with god knows what and the shot glasses were filled with what I’m pretty sure was something disgusting if only because it was flammable. The bartender took a swig from a bottle to where he had a mouthful of liquor. He then held a lighter in front of his mouth and spit a huge cloud of flame at the glasses. The shot glasses were set ablaze. He then took his hand and tipped every shot glass into one of the larger glasses thus extinguishing the flames with the liquid from the larger glasses. Then Lesley’s friends drank up.

It was a decent display of fire breathing bartending, as far as fire breathing bartending goes, but being the person I am, I couldn’t help but think one thing. That bartender just spit all over their drinks. I mean I get that it’s alcohol fire but still, it kind of grossed me out.

So that was mildly fantastic. Then I saw something that was way more of a fantastic thing. “A woman at Citywalk with real breasts and a charming personality who wasn’t drinking like a wino?” No. Better.

My friend Greg and I were over by the karaoke bar in Citywalk. I have a friend who is almost always in there and I wanted to see if he was there. He wasn’t but what was in there was a dwarf singing karaoke. Now, I do know it’s not nice to make fun of anyone based on how they look, and it wasn’t so much that as it was a DWARF SINGING KARAOKE. Greg and I just stood there and Greg turned at looked at me in disbelief and said “That is a real thing. What we are seeing is real.” It was a bit overwhelming. Don’t judge me either. I mean when was the last time you were caught off guard by a karaoke singing dwarf? That’s what I thought. You don’t know how you’d react.

So a fire breathing bartender and a singing dwarf are hardly enough to warrant a fantastic weekend. What follows does though.

Saturday I went to Purely Sinful, which is the artist formerly knows as Pure, with my friend B Mac and some of his friends. We got there pretty early, before it started getting crowded. We were in the back of the club so we could see the entire dance floor. No one was on it yet as it was early. That’s when we saw him. A man who rivals many in this life I have seen that have made me laugh uncontrollably in wonderment at the utter clueless nature of some people.

We saw a guy standing at the edge of the dance floor who was in his mid-forties. He was wearing a skin tight white shirt, ever tighter jeans and a pair of cowboy boots with silver tips on them. He was built like a former male stripper, or a really mediocre current one. He looked like he had been tanning for a year. The best part of this whole debacle? He had greasy curly hair down to the middle of his back just like Jean Claude Van Damme did in Hard Target. We kept calling him Van Damme all night.

Here is where this tale of stupidity gets even more fantastic. He started dancing. It was some sort of weird Latin fused with Jazz Hands style of dancing. It was as though he had mastered the worst elements of every style of dance and incorporated them all into one fantastic display of crap dancing. It was truly a marvel.

As the night progressed, and the club kept getting more and more crowded, he made his way to one of the stages, which just so happened to be near our table. That’s when we noticed the pencil thin moustache he was sporting. This guy thought he was the sexiest being on the planet. He even motioned, unsuccessfully, for women to join him on the stage to dance with him. At no time did he stop dancing. Even when he would leave to go get a drink, he would dance his way to the bar. I can’t decide if that’s because he was on something or that his passion for dance was uncontrollable.

At one point he did take a small break and he put his drink down on our table. He left it there and went back to dance. One of the girls who was with us had his drink right in front of her. I told her to be careful and not drink out of it otherwise she might catch sexy. To be a smart ass, she did. Well at this point Van Damme saw her and without stopping his weird dancing he whistled loudly at her to get her attention. She turned around and he wagged his finger at her as if to say “Do not drink from the cup my love, for it is too much sexy for you to handle.” I’m pretty sure sexy means cocaine in this instance.

As though all of that wasn’t enough, he was wearing rosary beads. There would be times where in the middle of his dancing he would make the sign of the cross, kiss the cross on his rosary and look to the ceiling as though he was thanking Christ himself for his being blessed with such ‘sexiness’.

What I thought was funny is that he left his house looking like he did. He really thought he looked good. I know that he stood in front of his giant mirror and slapped on a gallon of Brut, put a whole bottle of gel in his hair, trimmed his ‘super sexy’ moustache, and walked out the door. I’m not sure but I’m pretty confident in assuming that he drove a ‘super sexy’ van with black fur interior and a statue of Mary on his dash next to a tiny crown air freshener. Mary is on a swiveling platform though so he can face her the other way when he is making love to a lady so as not to shame Mary. I’m also willing to bet he has a mirror on the ceiling of his van. His van probably has his last name in royal lettering on the back right over an elaborate painting of a naked lady next to a lake where deer are drinking.

No one in our group could believe that we were witnessing such a thing. It was like seeing something you subconsciously knew existed in some realm of reality, but to witness it first hand was something that I cannot truly explain.

A couple of people with us had camera and video phones so if I get a hold of that footage, I will post it for all to see because I know that my words cannot do this justice.

That’s all I got. A fire breathing bartender, a singing dwarf, and a middle aged sex machine. That’s quite a bit for now I feel. Take a break. You’ve earned it.

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Steam by Peter Gabriel. I wish I had a good reason other than that it’s good. Sorry I’m not more in depth than that.

MOVIE – The Incredibles. One of my favorite movies. It’s hilarious. Not as funny as a dancing freak, but pretty close.

Holla.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd
www.myspace.com/thejoeldavidshow
joeldavidshow@gmail.com

I’m back yo. Actually I didn’t go anywhere other than apathyville which is located on my couch. Population: me.

That was so stupid.

I don’t have any issues to write about as important as inverted Longhorn sticker placement on one’s car or how it’s my fault I broke the law but want to blame it on the state I live in. Just some mundane goings on. I’m gonna stop building this up otherwise you’ll be disappointed when you finish reading this, like that time you read that note you got from your birth parents after twenty years of not knowing you were adopted.

Last night I went to a Redhawks baseball game. Love the Redhawks. Also, it was Thirsty Thursday which means dollar beer. Love the beer. There were a lot of people there, and I’m not sure if they were fans of baseball or rampant alcoholism, but either way I had a good time.

Using my unrivaled powers of observation, I noticed something I would like to address. This is specifically geared towards young guys between sixteen and twenty-one. I say this because I’m pretty sure no one has told them this based on what I saw last night. This is information that can apply to almost anyone, but in this instance it is specifically geared towards this demographic.

Dudes, treat your women better. When you get a little older, you’ll wish you had. See, the girl you’re with right now might not realize it just this second, but give her a few years and she’ll figure out that she can do way better than your trucker hat wearing ass. You aren’t special.

No one cares you shop at Hot Topic and bought a shirt that says ‘I [heart] Hot Moms’. Clever. We get it. However, while you’re busy trying to compensate for a lack of any real wit by shopping for crazy t-shirts that will only impress your equally witless friends, your girlfriend is slowly realizing what a tool you are. It’s gonna happen dude. I promise you.

This doesn’t come from experience, just observation. I’m not saying that your little high school girlfriend won’t accidentally get pregnant and end up having to marry you and be destined to live the sweet life that is being the spouse of an Arby’s shift manager. Anything is possible. But in all reality, while you’re busy laughing it up with your friends and making her hold your drink or cel phone, she’s thinking. Or at least she should be thinking. Thinking about how much better she could do than being a walking cup holder. She’ll slowly realize that she’s not your cel phone caddy. She’ll slowly realize that there is way more to life than fart jokes and your idiot friends.

I’m not saying that girls are faultless. I’m sure girls can be just as clueless as guys but you don’t hear a lot of interesting, attractive girls in their twenties complaining about not being able to find some guy who would makes her carry things for him and treats her like crap. It’s called maturity dudes.

You don’t see a lot of interesting and attractive girls with guys who use the exclamation ‘WHOO!’ as their primary means of emoting. Women aren’t stupid and you aren’t lucky, so take care of the girl you’re fortunate enough to be dating because someday, that same girl will mature and you’ll be lucky to get the time of day from the woman your girlfriend will become. Ain’t gonna happen Chester.

I’m just saying that if you want to keep the prize, you gotta keep playing the game. Keep doing the things for her you did at the beginning of the relationship. Do the things that you never thought you would do in a million years for another human just because it puts a smile on her face. I’ve gift wrapped cheese for god sakes so I know what I’m talking about.

Just be glad you’ve got someone dude, because the odds of you getting someone that cares that much about you again in this life are pretty slim. Stop making her carry your crap. Stop making her walk behind you like she’s an annoyance. Stop being a tool.

Now I’m gonna get my ass kicked by a group of roving morons wearing vintage t-shirts and tattered shorts. Again. Good times.

After the game my friend Greg and I went to Chelino’s. The waitress was none too happy we came in forty-five minutes before closing. This was obvious by her turse attitude and the way she kept glaring at me. I was wearing my ‘I Hate Messicans’ t-shirt so maybe that was the problem.

It also isn’t like we were the only one’s in there either. She was just not very kind. She even started cleaning up our table before we were done eating, removing the butter and other condiments from the table. She even brought the tab almost immediately after bringing the food. She laid it on the table with zero subtlety. Oh well.

I’m not one to complain to one’s boss because I know that waitresses and bartenders work harder than most people do, and everyone has a bad day, but c’mon. I felt bad and probably won’t go back.

Yeah, I’m not sure what the point of that story was either. I’m not sure what the point of any of this is.

-NERD ALERT-

Superman comes out in less than a week! I’m more a of a Batman guy than a Superman guy, but not by that much. Here is how dope this is. I get to go to a preview with my friend Jason on Monday and then 3E got tickets for opening night. I’m going to see it twice in less than a day.

Having said that, I can no longer wonder why I will probably die alone.

RIGHT NOW

SONG – Hypnotize by Notorious B.I.G. Good lord this song is dope. If there was some sort of dope meter it wouldn’t be able to determine the precise dopeness of the song because this song’s dopeness is immeasurable.

MOVIE – Superman - Just cuz fool. That’s why.

Holla.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd
www.myspace.com/thejoeldavidshow
joeldavidshow@gmail.com

That means ‘What Should Joel Have Done?’. Since you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you what I mean by that.

The other night I went to SKKY Bar for the Mix Master Mike show. It was insane. He is unbelievable. Aside from the amazing show, something weird happened that I have been getting a lot of grief from my friends over.

While I was there, this really attractive girl comes up to me and grabs my hand and says “Come with me.” Ok. Not a problem. Sure. She leads me over to this booth where another attractive girl is making out with some dude. The girl who led me over there taps her friend on the shoulder and points me out. This girl crawls off this guy and out of the booth and looks at me and says “I know you.” At this point I’m weirded out. I look over at the guy this girl was making out with until I showed up and he was none too happy. I say “Ok.” What else am I gonna say? I didn’t know her at all. She says “I’ve seen you at The Loony Bin and you’re f—ing hilarious.” I said thanks. It was kind of awkward. I looked at this girl and said “Uh, thank you for the compliment but maybe you should get back to making out with that dude. He doesn’t look too happy.” She turned around and looked at the guy and said “Oh yeah. Him.” What the hell was going on? She went back over to that guy and I looked at all of them and said “You guys have a, uh, good night.” The friend just sat there.

Ok. When I relayed this weird story to my friends most of them told me I screwed up. A friend of mine told me I should have hit on the girl who was previously making out with some dude. I really didn’t see the benefit in that. I mean God knows I wouldn’t mind making out with some hot girl, but I think it is telling of someone who crawls off some dude to say hi to me. I mean, it’s me. I’m not that special.

The other way I’ve been told I screwed up is that I should have hung out with the first girl. The one who came and got me for her pre-occupied friend. I’ll give a little validity to that argument. I was just really weirded out. I’m not smoove or anything at all. I wasn’t thinking about anything than getting out of that situation. It was just weird to me.

So that having been said, what do you think I should have done? It’s too late to do anything about it now but just in case the planets align or I’m able to time travel, it would be nice to get some feedback.

- Joel

Hello.

Last Friday was my birthday. I would have to say it was one of the best birthdays ever. What? You don’t care to hear about it because you don’t know me all that well, or at all? Then stop reading now Pablo!

Friday morning my friend Heather took me to breakfast before she went to work. Heather is a sweetheart and quite the attractive woman. Wait. Let me clarify. She’s the attractive wife of my friend Shawn. Hanging out with a hot married woman is like fake bling. People are wrongly impressed because they’re like “How’d that big headed doofus get a girl that looks that? He must make a lot of money.” Little do people know that I’m broke and I was eating breakfast with a friend of mine’s wife because she is my friend. Also, I am a threat to no one’s marriage. I mean aside from having morals, look at me! For God sake’s look at me!

Later that afternoon my friend Jason took me to lunch at Chelino’s downtown. When we were done eating, I guess the waitress overheard Jason wish me a happy birthday so they brought over a huge sombrero and played me happy birthday. The sad thing is the sombrero, which was about fifteen feet across, didn’t even fit on my head. It merely rested atop my cranium, teetering like a frisbee on a pumpkin. Jason got a good laugh out of that so it was worth it.

Just a side note to the trip to Chelino’s. When you walk into Chelino’s there is an enormous framed picture of Jesus. Here it is.

Ok. Why does the man giving the interview look visibly annoyed at the guy he just hired shaking the hand of someone he can’t see? “You’re welcome for the new job jackass!” I think it’s a hilarious picture. In the picture at Chelino’s someone had cut out an article and put it in the corner of the frame. It’s Jesus’ obituary. How someone got a hold of an English newspaper clipping from so long ago is beyond me.

Back to the birthday story you don’t care about.

That night I had planned on heading on out to Tapwerks for a birthday beer with Greg. My roommate Jacob said he wanted to go. My friend Adam was going to go but bailed at the last moment because he said he had relatives come into town. I was kind of disappointed, but I understood.

My roommate Jacob and I left my house for Bricktown around six-thirty and I had to stop by 7-11. I pull into the parking lot and there was some big ass SUV taking up two spaces. I hate SUV’s. I park my little Honda and walk into the store. Adam is in the 7-11. I told him to call me later that night if he wanted to hang out. My feelings were kind of hurt because he sure wasn’t dressed like he was going on a trip to his parents. I just figured he was going to go hang out with some friends of his. Oh well.

Me and Jacob leave 7-11 and head down to Bricktown where we meet up with Greg in front of Tapwerks. We walk in and Greg says we should sit in the back of the place. I make my way to the back of the restaurant and see three tables full of all of my friends. Turns out that my friend Lesley had planned a surprise party for me. I haven’t had a surprise party since I was a kid. I believe I was in the second grade and my teacher, Mr. Sandeen, even showed up for that party. That was awesome. However, I was a kid and it’s easy to fool a kid. I had no idea about this party. Also, I drank WAY more alcohol at this surprise party than the one from when I was seven. Not by much though.

It turned out that Adam was on his way to Bricktown when I saw him at 7-11. The big SUV? That was Lesley’s. She had picked Adam up at his house and happened to stop at that 7-11. I parked right next to her and didn’t even know it. That would explain the irrational behavior of Adam when I saw him. He was freaking out and now I know why.

I was pleasantly surprised and would like to take this time to tell my friend Lesley how much that meant to me. I know that it can be trying to be my friend most of the time. I just want to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. One lifetime isn’t nearly long enough to repay you all for all you have done for me or to truly be the friend deserving of having someone like you in my life.

I will make out with you if you want though.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson. Yes, that Michael Jackson. This song makes me want to buy a white suit, a white fedora, a black armband and go play pool so I can travail over the oppressive nature of other pool players by crushing a cue ball in my hand and then blowing the remnants of said cue ball in my enemy’s face. That would be pretty cool.

MOVIE - High Fidelity. This is an almost perfect movie. A movie that is nowhere perfect? Almost anything with Ralph Macchio. Karate Kid is the exception.

- Joel

I recently found out that I am going to lose my job. Before you assume it’s my fault, I’m not losing my job due to the rampant alcoholism I suffer from or the constant showing up late or punching people I work with either. No, it’s because the company apparently needs to make cutbacks.

I have not mentioned the company I work for by name because I guess that’s where my corporate allegiance began and ended. I just figured that the company I work for wouldn’t want it known that someone of such talent was wasting away at an office job. That changes today. I work downtown for AT&T. There. It’s out now. Like it matters. What are they gonna do? Fire me?

I have worked for the same company for twelve years. I have worked there for that long because just like everyone else I need a paycheck. I have no one else to depend on in this world. Some people have wealthy parents or trust funds. Not I. I haven’t been without a paycheck every two weeks for twelve whole years. I resent myself for having worked that long anywhere but I suppose in some sense that it is a commendable accomplishment. It either shows a stellar work ethic or apathy beyond reproof or perhaps a little of both.

I’m only worried because I have no savings, no degree and no real marketable job skills. I can write well and crack some jokes but the job market isn’t rife with opportunities for creative smart asses. That’s why there are office jobs for shclubs like me.

But where did this come from? My losing my job I mean. Well apparently AT&T ,per last reports, made $5.2 billion dollars in 2005. I can see how a company like that would want to cut corners. I mean you pretty much have to. How are the CEO’s expected to make ends meet?

I suppose I am lucky in that I am reasonably young and, despite how sad it might be, I don’t have a girlfriend or wife or kids or anyone who depends on me to live. I have about ten grand in debt and that’s it. I am trying to be positive about the opportunity now afforded me by my pending unemployment. I am also trying not to worry about homelessness which is also something afforded one when they are unemployed.

I feel really bad for the people I work with who have nothing more than that job to keep their families fed. I know it’s an exercise in futility to point out that corporations are evil and how they screw over the little guy on a regular basis, so I’ll try not to do that. It is just unbelievable that the largest telecommunications company on the planet has the audacity to just lay people off whose lives are actually worth living. People who have children or spouses or serious medical needs. It saddens me. Then again corporations are in the business of making money, not friends.

Life is more than an office job. Life is more than sitting staring at a computer for eight hours a day while someone else gets rich. I truly believe that you should you follow your dreams because at the end of your life you won’t remember the times you spent at the office. You’ll remember the people you loved and those who loved you back. You’ll remember what made you happy and I’m pretty sure no one on the planet will have wished they would have spent more time at the office.

Sure it’s gonna suck for a while, but I’ve been through worse in this life. It will all be ok and I know I’ll be better off for it.

Also, I’m pretty good at asking people if they want fries with things.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Put Your Records On (acoustic) by Corrine Bailey Rae. It’s the free download on iTunes this week. It’s the kind of song that is perfect to listen to on a calm and breezy summer day. I highly recommend it if you like calm and breezy things. If you don’t then you can go straight to hell Ken!

MOVIES - In America. Nuff said really.

Holla.

- Joel

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd
www.myspace.com/thejoeldavidshow
joeldavidshow@gmail.com

Hello.

My birthday is this Friday. Yay. That was sarcasm. Anyway, what with my birthday coming up, I was thinking about what I want. No one has EVER asked me what I want for my birthday, so I am gonna go ahead and tell all of you now. Take that dad!

I figured since everyone asks for certain things, iPod, money, a date with Jennifer Aniston, that I would list things I want but know that no matter what I do in this life, I will never get. Whether it is a money issue, a time travel issue, or any other scientific impossibility, here is the list of impossible birthday gifts I know I’ll never get.

I would like to be able to fly. There isn’t a good reason for this other than that it’s effing flying! I could save money on gas, and also rescue people who can only be rescued with the aide of those who can fly. If I were talking to someone I didn’t want to talk to I could just zoom away. “I’m off to somewhere that isn’t here, jackass!” and then leave that person standing there just going “I didn’t even know he could fly. Wow.”

I would like to play the role of Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction. Now I know that the movie is twelve years old and Travolta kicked ass, but I could have done just as good. Actually I would have sucked but dammit it would have been cool to be in that movie.

I would like a statue of me to be erected in the center of Moore OK. I was born there, just like Toby Keith. Unlike Toby Keith however, I am not a millionaire country singer, so a statue ain’t gonna happen. I want a statue though because I would like to know that whenever a tornado rips through that town again that there will be a chance that a statue of me would be vaulted into the atmosphere and land miles away. Local news crews would report “This large headed statue of comedian, writer, Nobel Prize winner, husband to Penelope Cruz, and the man who cured AIDS and cancer, Joel David, who was beloved by millions, has landed in this field as a result of the recent tornado in Oklahoma. Quite the anomaly. Back to you in the studio Steve.” That would be cool. Also if there was a statue of me, high school kids could vandalize it as a sign of teenage rebellion. “We totally wrote on that statue of that dope. I hate that guy.” Man oh man that would be sweet.

I would like to have a six-pack. Not of beer or the movie with Kenny Rogers either. I want dope ass six pack abs like Brad Pitt had in Fight Club. Of course, due to the physical abnormality that is my physique, I just don’t see that happening. Ladies are gonna have to love me for something other than looks or money. Sorry ladies! Actually I’m the one who suffers because of that. Damn you chubby physique!

I would like to see the Beatles perform live. Gonna have to wait until I die to see that though. Dammit!

I would like to appear on an episode of Lost or 24. I know that I don’t have cancer or AIDS or some other disease worthy of a cameo on a TV show as part of a dying wish. However, here is the loophole. We are all dying. Slowly. Technically when you are born you start to die, so in a sense I am dying. Science says I have about forty to fifty years left on the ol planet here which is more than enough time for the folks at ABC or FOX to hire me to fly out to Hawaii and appear as ‘Patient #1′ or ‘Other #43′ or ‘Guy who gets the sh-t kicked out of him by Jack Bauer #4,625’. That would be fine with me.

I would like an honorary doctorate from UCLA. I really wanted to attend there when I was younger but my parents moved me out to Oklahoma when I was a kid. Ever since then I’ve been working just to pay the ol bills. I would like to go back to UCLA but I really don’t have the money.I don’t care what it is a doctorate of. A doctorate of funny would fine. I haven’t done anything in this life to earn much of anything though, but maybe poor + funny + begging = honorary doctorate. Here’s hoping!

I want to own the Mach 5. Of all the things I’ve listed, this is the most viable wish. The Mach 5 is the car Speed Racer drove in the cartoon of the same name. You can buy one for $250,000 dollars. I would use it as my everyday car. I would also hire a monkey and an Asian kid to hide in the trunk so whenever I would go anywhere they would jump out and I would act surprised. “Spridle and Chim-Chim?! What are you doing in the trunk?” It would be awesome.

I would like a girlfriend who loves me for who I am, not the person she wants me to be. I want to be loved for things I do that I didn’t even know were lovable. I want to know that no matter where I go or what I do that there is someone in this world who loves me and can’t wait to spend time with me. I want to be missed when I’m gone.

Like I said, that Mach 5 is the most viable thing on the list.

RIGHT NOW

SONG - The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves. “I can’t live, I can’t breathe unless you do this with me.” I’m pretty sure those lyrics aren’t about CPR.

MOVIE - Mr. Smith goes to Washington. If only politicians had the unbridled idealism portrayed in this movie, we might all be a little better off.

Holla.

- Joel

Once again the stellar Bush administration has pulled out the big guns by tackling the most important issue facing this country today. “The Iraq debacle in which lives are still being lost pointlessly?” Uh, no. “The rampant poverty in this nation?” Nope. “Perhaps it’s corporate fraud or the mistreatment of the elderly or domestic spying or any number of other equally impeachable offenses?” If only we were so lucky.

The issue that our leader deems so problematic that he is going to ratify this country’s constitution is the ‘problem’ of gay marriage. Not slavery. Not women’s rights. No. People of the same sex getting married is apparently such an issue we are going to change a historical document to cater to the superstitions of a madman.

How strange is it though that with an election right around the corner that gay marriage would come back to the forefront? Not very. This is a man who rode the anti-gay marriage wave to a second term in office. Why not help out all of his equally crazy buddies by bringing it back up?

Here is why I do not care about gay marriage. Because it is an issue that has absolutely no relevance on my well being or the well being of anyone else. Cutting terrorism protection funding to two cities that have already been attacked by terrorists could have a bearing on one’s well being. How many soldiers have been killed by gay marriage? How many people are poor because two people in love want to get married? How is one’s own marriage jeopardized by two individuals who you will never meet getting married, despite their sexual preference?

It is ridiculous to be hoodwinked by the smoke screen propaganda that is the banning of gay marriage. As soon as our soldiers are home, our elderly are cared for, our poor clothed and fed, our women and children walk the streets without fear, our military families and veterans are treated by our government like the heroes they are, and we stop raping the land God blessed us with, maybe then we can tackle the non-issue of two dudes getting married.

Then again it’s just my opinion so I might be wrong. At least I’m willing to admit that.

- Joel

For those of you who have checked out my podcasts, you may know that we’re trying something new. It’s called e-mail Thursdays. It’s where Chad, Jacob and myself answer questions sent into us by listeners.

If you have ANY questions for us e-mail them to

joeldavidshow@gmail.com

We will try to answer all of them on the air.

Ask away, world!

- Joel