I often think about all I have and all I have going for me. After that four seconds of my life is over, I begin the marathon mental exercise where I think about things I’ll never be. I’ve decided to share them with you, the only person who ever reads this.
I’ll never be someone who can fly. I’m not ‘Super’ at all. I’m not made of helium. I don’t have wings. That means I’ll never be able to fly around the city stopping crime or just hanging out on top of some building. That kind of sucks.
I’ll never be a ninja. Being a ninja takes years and years of training from a very young age. I’ll never be able to creep around in the darkness of night assassinating evil doers. I’m not Asian and I think that Karate is stupid. The older I get the more useless I realize Karate is. No one I know who knows Karate has ever used it outside of their ‘dojo’. Still though, being a ninja would kick some ass.
I’ll never be black. I have wished I was black since I was a kid. Black people are way more interesting as a whole than white people. Sorry white people, but that’s a fact. We suck and are boring and we all know it. Just admit it. Want proof? A white dude with a shaved head looks like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family. That’s far from interesting. A black dude with a shaved head looks like a bad ass. Much cooler. If he doesn’t look like a bad ass he probably still looks way cooler than a skinhead could ever hope to look. I shaved my head once and the color of my head, paired with the size of my head, made me look like I had an enormous mutant albino kiwi fruit resting atop my shoulders. It wasn’t pretty.
I’ll never be Joel Jolie. If I married Angelina Jolie I would take her name so I could be Joel Jolie. That would have been nice. Thanks a lot for ruining that dream Brad Pitt! Joel Aniston would be alright though. Perhaps I’ll call her.
I’ll never be ‘that guy’. I’ll never be the type of guy who treats women badly. Then again I’ll probably never talk to a woman so no need to worry about that.
I’ll never be a sports guy. I don’t get how someone’s demeanor can be affected by the outcome of a game. I’m a huge baseball fan but I’m not about to get all bent out of shape if the Yankees lose. It’s entertainment, not anything that has any bearing on whether or not I live or die. I especially don’t get football, but that’s a whole other thing I don’t want to delve into here. This is Sooner Country and whatever type of geographic association is designated to the OSU Cowboys. I just don’t get the rabid fans a sport has.
I’ll never have a viewing after I die. I want people to remember me the way I was, alive. I’ve been to more than one viewing, my dad’s included. That’s not how I wanted to remember my dad. Why he was propped up like a mannequin holding a tennis racket from Sears is beyond me.
I’ll never be someone women can’t live without. Women don’t look at me and want to jump me. That’s ok. I’m comfortable with that. I’m ugly and we all know it. That’s cool. Per every girl I’ve dated they initially dated me out of pity. That’s not something one likes to know but it is telling. I get it. Pity disguised as desire which eventually turns into tolerance rooted in guilt over having dated me out of pity anyhow. Life goes on.
I’ll never cheat on a woman or be a bad parent. I’ll never stop loving the person I marry. I’ll never stop finding things sentimental that I shouldn’t. I’ll never stop trying to be a good friend. I’ll never be anything other than the best person I think I can be.
I will however promise to never write again while listening to sentimental Frank Sinatra music. See what kind of drivel I write when that happens?
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Your Song by Garth Brooks. Yeah I listen to Garth Brooks. So? I’ll put Garth up against lame Toby Keith any day of the week. Boy do I not like that guy.
MOVIE - Munich. I still can’t decide if I like this movie or not. I know it’s Spielberg, and I love his work, but that final scene is a little jarring.
Holla.
- Joel
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