Hi.
In an attempt to mask the banality that is my life, I tried to write something that was action-packed and involved fast cars, hot ladies and a bank heist. As I am not that imaginative, I just deleted the whole sordid mess of a thing and opted to just go ahead and relay some of the boring events and conversations that have taken place in my little world within in the past few days. You’ll probably find it boring but just be glad you don’t have to live it.
I went to dinner at Zio’s the other night with my friend Adam. To our surprise we got a very attractive waitress, Ashley, to wait on us. It’s an anomaly when that happens because it seems no matter where I go I always get a guy to wait on us. It’s not a sexist thing but I would much rather talk to a cute girl than some forty-year old dude. Unfortunately, I am not very good with women so whenever she would come by and ask how the food was I could only respond with a dumbfounded “Er, pretty good.” That’s as far as the conversation went. I’m a moron.
I ordered an appetizer of Calamari. When it arrived Adam began to push some of them aside. He was separating them on the plate into two very distinct groups. He said he had a problem with the baby ones because he can’t eat anything that maintains the same shape after it is cooked as it did when it was alive. This sparked a five minute long debate as to other foods he didn’t have a problem with that I claimed did maintain their shape after being cooked. He enjoys shrimp but said that a cooked shrimp clearly differs in shape than the shape of a live shrimp. I vehemently disagreed. He brought up lobster tail. Again I brought up that if you had a regular lobster tail next to a cooked one, it would be quite obvious that it was the same exact thing. It was at this point that Adam said “It’s becoming quite obvious why neither of us have girlfriends.” That brought that debate to a halt pretty quick.
What could be more pointless than that you didn’t ask? Well I’ll tell you.
I work for a multi-billion dollar company located in downtown OKC. It’s a thankless, soul-sucking office job just like the one we all wanted as children. I know we all have office stories that are unbelievable. Here is one of them.
I have a small fan on my desk, no larger than eight inches wide. It’s just enough to keep the air flowing. It’s provides a nice little escape from the stagnant air that hangs over every part of our office like an atmosphere made of translucent depression. I went home the other night and forgot to turn it off. One of the managers on my floor noticed that I had left it on after I left. Now here’s where it gets as complicated as the plot to a Spanish soap opera.
The manager who noticed that the fan was left on tells my manager to write me up for leaving my fan on as it is a fire hazard. She then says that she is going to have a meeting with her manager to set up another meeting to create a buddy list so we can all make sure our co-workers fans are off to prevent the three high rise complex, that covers an entire city block, I work in from burning to the ground as a result of a small electric fan.
Today I was informed that I forgot to turn the fan off again last night. I was told that I have to take my fan home now as it is a fire hazard if I leave it on. This came up in a managerial staff meeting. What is my point with all of this? Well hopefully the following will be a testament to the bureaucratic joke that is office life.
First off, why was it so hard to turn the fan off? I get that I forgot to turn it off. Twice. But a meeting about it with managers and a staff meeting? I mean, sure, my little fan is made of dried woodchips and runs on a combustible mixture of ethanol and sulfur, but can you not turn it off?
Second, the people I work for are well over fifty and have worked for this company longer than I have been alive. It makes me sad that someone’s life has reached a point where a desk fan being left on is causing them some sort of unease. It’s not that they are worried about protecting the lives of everyone in the building, it’s just that I feel they have sad and empty lives. It’s people who care about such things that make me fear for my life. Not in that my life is in danger of anything but that I’m wasting it. If I ever get to the point where I have written on an agenda “Discuss dangers of desk fan with boss.” that’s the moment I’ll have realized I’ve wasted it all.
One of the other ‘joys’ of working downtown is the parking. In an attempt to not walk a mile from my car to my office and back everyday, and to further appease my apathy, I try to park on the street as much as possible. In my attempt to do this I have inadvertently started a battle with the meter man down here. That’s right. I said meter MAN. Everyone needs a job I guess.
I used to park at a meter and then just go ahead and plug it every hour. This worked for a couple of days until I had a staff meeting to attend and was unable to plug it. Then I forgot. All in the same day. I went to my car and had three tickets. Crap! You win this time Meter Man!
The next day I made a point of being down there every hour on the hour. I went down there for lunch and I had time in the meter but a ticket on my car. This time it was for staying in the same spot too long despite there being time in the meter. Everyone here does that but I guess he hates me. You win again Meter Man!
I was so mad that I wanted to find him in his little Meter Man Mobile and just push it over. It has all of the structural integrity of a shopping cart made of Legos but it probably wouldn’t do any good. He would probably just have to extend his arm to tip himself back up. That and I don’t want to assault an employee of the city. Besides, I don’t have the forty bucks it costs to replace one of those little cars.
So yesterday I won a round. I parked on the street at a meter. I waited until it was time to plug the meter then I would go down and move my car to an empty spot and plug the meter there. Every time I walked out he had written the time he came by in chalk on my tire. He lost though because I just kept moving my car! Ahhhhhh ha-ha-ha-ha. I win this round Meter Man!
I need a life.
Thanks to Look @ OKC and the fine folks at Ch Kona Entertainment Joel David’s podcasts are now available online by accessing the main Look@OKC page. Now you can hear the monotone voice behind the monotone ramblings.
We will be recording another fresh batch of hilarity this weekend and I would like for you to be a part of it. Mail me at lookatjoeldavid@gmail.com with what you think the worst movie lines of all time are. We will cover some of the responses on the air. Who knows, your name might be uttered on the Joel David show. Yay!
RIGHT NOW
SONG – Plateau by Nirvana off of their Unplugged album. The lyrics and the emotion which with they are sung make for a truly haunting song. So listen to it to get haunted.
MOVIE – Capote. Phillip Seymour Hoffman proves that he is one of the best actors around. That’s the most generic thing ever written by the way.
Holla.
- Joel David
www.chkona.com
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