Tomorrow better be the best Friday of my entire life. I say that because after the incredibly awful day I’ve had, the law of averages says I’m due for a fantastic day. Possibly the most fantastic day of my life. A day rife with prosperity in all things Joel related. “Surely it can’t have been that bad.” Well I’ll tell you about it and then you can make the decision as to how horrible today went or if it’s all in my head.
I awoke this morning to a glorious new day. I woke up pretty early because I had to go to the dentist for my cleaning and to get a filling. No big deal. I mean I hate getting my teeth cleaned because it’s always the same thing. “Stop drinking pop. Start flossing more regularly. Stop chewing on gravel.” Basically a guilt trip but with a whole lot of plaque scraping.
Also, as is the case at every dentist I’ve ever gone to, the dental hygienist was cute. It’s an unspoken rule that all dentists must have at least one girl on their staff that is intimidatingly attractive. My dentist has two women like that.
I had told her that I had a toothache on the right side of my mouth. They took an x-ray and I needed to get a root canal. That will be number six for me. They say it’s caused by stress. Great.
So after the cleaning I got a root canal. Not a good way to start any day. A root canal in the morning is something not even Hitler would condone.
When I left the dentist’s office, with my face feeling as swollen as Tina Turner’s after sassing Ike, I was still in a semi-positive mood. I had gotten my car back after all. Since I was on the side of town my mechanic was on I called him to see if he could do an oil change. He said no problem so I dropped my car off and headed home, compliments of my brother. Not but twenty minutes after I got home my mechanic called me and said the car was ready. I asked him if there were any problems that he noticed. He said that the transmission was messed up. What? That couldn’t be right. He said that it was leaking transmission fluid really bad. He also said that a bolt that holds something together in my engine was missing. You remember when Daffy Duck would get so mad that no sound came out and nothing but a small puff of black smoke appeared above his head as he clenched his fists at his side? That’s pretty much how I reacted upon hearing my transmission was jacked up.
I went back up to my mechanic’s and he showed me what was missing. I drove over to the transmission shop that I got my car back from less than twenty-four hours earlier. I went in and told them that it was leaking transmission fluid. The woman said “Why are you worried about that?” I told her because I had just dropped $750.00 on a transmission and despite my lack of knowledge of almost all things car related, I was pretty sure that transmission fluid shouldn’t be leaking from my car. A mechanic who was in there said that I was right.
I also told them about the missing bolt. The mechanic didn’t know what I was talking about. I popped the hood and showed him. He said that it was probably missing when I brought it in. I told him that since that part where the bolt should be was sparkling silver and the rest of the engine was nowhere near that color, that probably wasn’t true. He said that it had no impact on the car’s drivability. I said that I wanted it replaced and I wanted the transmission fixed. He said no problem but that he wasn’t sure when he could get to it or whether or not it was covered by the warranty. Son-of-a-gun. I was so super pissed at this point. I was polite and didn’t yell or copped any kind of ‘tude but on the inside I was a “mushroom cloud laying mother f–ker”. That last part was from Pulp Fiction for all of you not wondering.
I told them that I had only had the car for less then twenty-four hours in the past week, which is when I first dropped the car off. The woman then asked me the stupidest question I was asked all day. “Is that your only means of transportation?” She was serious. I almost said “No. This is my weekend car. I like to throw all sorts of money into a car that I don’t drive that often. I mean I am a bit of a celebrity and all but not to where I have a couple of Escalades. I’m still living that crazy single car lifestyle that is apparently so rare these days.”
They said they would get it to it ‘first thing in the morning’. I said fine and got in my brother’s car and we headed back to Norman. I called my mechanic on the way home and told him what was going on. He said that the missing bolt wouldn’t effect the drivability of the car for a while but that the bracket the bolt held in place kept the line that ran to the clutch in place so it wouldn’t shake around and eventually split causing damage to the clutch. How odd that the part missing would cause damage to the same exact part they tried to up-sell me when they were already getting money out of me for the transmission. Huh. A mechanic that would intentionally sabotage a car so it would screw up and I would have to end up buying a part I refused to buy? Surely not.
I was so pissed that I forgot about the root canal issue until I got home and started eating a sandwich. That was a mistake and a quick reminder of the pain that anger had masked so well up until that point. It felt like someone hit my tooth with a hammer. It was at this point I let loose with a string of profanity that rivals anything uttered by a sane human. I think I even made up some curse words. If anyone can tell me if the words ‘herk’ and ‘munder’ are offensive then I will add those newly created curse words to my already elaborate lexicon of words not fit to utter around children or nuns.
I know that’s not the worse day of my life. I’ve had worse but today is in the top twenty. Easy. Because I don’t have a temper either, you know it’s bad when I get ticked off. I’m not one of these people to fly into rages either. Not even today. I just get pissed and then laugh about it. Wait. That’s not true. I left a part out. I get pissed, beat a hobo until he stops moving and then laugh about it. Yeah. That’s it.
I didn’t mean to unload on all the person who read this. Speaking of which…..
I would like to thank NICOLE for leaving a comment yesterday about how she enjoyed my writing. That makes up for the transmission thing. Thanks NICOLE.
So it’s time for that segment of today’s writing where I list what frozen food I’m appreciative for today as March is frozen food appreciation month. Today’s food…….
GOYA BRAND FROZEN BANANAS!
RIGHT NOW
SONG - Daughters by John Mayer off of the album Heavier Things. Things like transmissions and root canals don’t seem so bad knowing that someday I’ll be someone’s dad. I don’t know when or how but I’m sure it’ll happen and this song will mean a lot more to me than it already does. Anyone who has a daughter should listen to this song and take it to heart.
MOVIE - Waiting with Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds is one of the funniest people on the planet and how he is not more popular than he is, is beyond me.
APOLOGY - I would like to apologize to anyone who read this and got the impression I’m just a whiney sissy. I’m not, I just got kind of hacked and decided to write about it. I’m sorry you had to read that.
Holla.
- Joel
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