Good Sunday morning. It’s Joel time y’all. I don’t know what that means but I bet it’s kind of lame.
I just bruised my hand on my computer desk and it hurts. I guess the computer desk should have known not to talk back to me.
So this last Friday I had a bit of an adventure. What’s that? You don’t want to read about it because it will probably just end up disappointing you? Well now you’ll know what it feels like to have dated me.
My friend, who, for the sake of the story we’ll call Ricky Boombastic, came up unexpectedly from Dallas Friday night. That’s not even close to his real name but it’s my story. He called and wanted to get a beer. I told him I had planned on meeting some people at the Cross Eyed Moose because I loves to be classy. I had only planned on going up there for a little while as I was supposed to go to Brother’s in Norman to meet some friends who I have yet to officially meet. That’s right, I’m an internet dweeb with friends I’ve never met. If the disappointment that comes with meeting me for the first time is anywhere close to meeting someone who knows me through e-mails and phone calls I kind of feel sorry for them. Anyhoo…..
So Ricky Boombastic rolls by and picks me up at my house, which is good because my car is in the shop. As a result of my Accord being in the shop I have been relegated to driving the car I drove before I got the one that recently broke, a 1989 Volkswagen Fox. I forgot how much I hated that car. No power steering. No CD player. No leg room. No class.
Because I don’t trust the car I have to get me down the street, Ricky Boombastic and I head up to meet a couple of people at ‘The Moose’ in his car. I kept telling him we couldn’t stay long as I had to be back in Norman. We were there for a little while with my friends Greg and Chad and Chad’s girlfriend Angela. We had a couple of beers and then we saw a girl come in to the bar that we all knew. We invited her and her friend to sit with us and then the super heavy drinking started. This girl started ordering round after round of shots. There wasn’t one point where there wasn’t a drink of some sort in front of me that I didn’t order. That’s always a bonus.
I kept checking my watch and mentioning that I had to be back in Norman. After an hour of the type of drinking reserved for Russians and rock stars, the prospect of Ricky Boombastic driving back down to Norman anytime soon faded away like the careers of every member of Color Me Badd.
Before we knew it the waitress told us it was last call. The girl who was buying us shots invited us all over to her friend’s house to continue what was turning into a marathon drinking-fest. We all head over to this girls house and everyone but me started drinking more. I wasn’t drunk, I just didn’t care.
Just a side note, this girl had a dog at her house that she kept claiming was a pure bred Shar-Pei. I know less about dogs than I do about cars or women. However I do know what a Shar-Pei looks like and this dog was not a Shar-Pei. I told her I didn’t think it was and she got super defensive to the point she said she had papers on it and that she would show me. Like that was the mitigating factor in my believing something is what it clearly isn’t. I’m sure had she shown me the ‘papers’ they would have been written in crayon. Kudos to the guy who sold that dog to her though. Spending money on a dog under the impression it was a pure bred Shar-Pei is almost like spending money on a burger that someone told you was a pizza.
Chad and Angela left this girl’s house to go home around three and so it was me, Ricky Boombastic, the girl who got ripped off by a dog salesman and the shot girl left. I wanted to leave but Ricky Boombastic was still recovering for the previous five hours of straight consumption. The Shar-Pei girl went to bed and Ricky Boombastic and the shot girl fell asleep on the couch. As I didn’t have a car and no access to Ricky Boombastic’s keys, I decided to roll up my coat and lay on the floor. Then the thought of being mauled in the middle of the night by some demonic, patchy haired, not Shar-Pei beast entered my mind. I stood up and began my trek to the nearest 7-11 so I could call a cab.
In the past I have been out very late and have seen someone walking down the street and wonder what the hell someone is doing walking that late at night. I no longer will wonder about that. I got to the 7-11 and asked the guy if they had a phone book. They didn’t. How does any establishment that carried everything from burritos to tampons not have a yellow pages? I called information on my cel and finally got a hold of a cab company. It took them forty-five minutes to get there. The downside to that was I had wait forty-five minutes in front of a 7-11 at four in the morning. In the past I have been out very late and have seen someone waiting in front of a 7-11. I have thought that maybe that person was a prostitute or drug dealer. I will no longer think that.
The cab picked me up and I made it back to Norman at five am and also forty dollars poorer. That sucked pretty bad. The upside of the whole situation is that I was able to fill all of this space with a story that really isn’t all that good and only slightly funny. Well only slightly funny because it happened to me. If it was someone that wasn’t me I would find this story pretty entertaining. As I am me and not someone else I can’t tell though.
In honor of March being Frozen Food Appreciation month I am going to tell you what food I appreciate for each entry in March.
Today’s food? Frozen okra!
RIGHT NOW
Song - The Sound of Milwaukee by Fatboy Slim off of Better Living Through Chemistry. Apparently Milwaukee sounds a lot like a techno song.
Movie - The Ladykillers with Tom Hanks. This movie has one of the best ensemble casts ever. I highly recommend it. One of the worst ensemble casts ever? Anything starring Justin Guarini.
Holla.
- Joel
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