JOEL DAVID NewsOK.com Blogging Community

I know that most of you who read this turn to me for the funny you lack in your life. Well since I have nothing to do today, allow me to suggest that for your hilarity today you tune into MTV2 tonight at nine for the season premiere of Wonder Showzen.

Not a lot of people know what this show is, so let me tell you all you’ll need to know. It is the funniest and most daring thing to be put on TV since South Park. Any show where an eight-year old child dresses up as Hitler and walks around New York City asking people what they think the problem with children today is, is doing something right.

Go out and buy the first season on DVD and then watch it tonight. I promise that if you don’t laugh I’ll give you your money back. What? You don’t have to pay to read this blog? Well that explains where all that blog money isn’t.

- Joel David

www.myspace.com/joeldavidd
www.chkona.com

P.S. TV’s Jennifer Petersen-Hind recently added me to her friends list on Myspace. That made my week. I apologize for any implied negativity Jennifer. Oh who am I kidding? She’ll never read this.

Good day.

I performed at the Loony Bin this past week. It was comically delicious. Scott White featured and Rob Little headlined. They were both really cool. Rob was one of the nicest and funniest people I’ve worked with up there. Check Rob out at www.roblittle.com . You can check me out, well, right here.

Here’s the Jennifer Peterson Hind update you didn’t ask for. I sent JPH a friend request on Myspace and, not surprisingly, have heard nothing. She is one of three people to not want me as their friend. Well one of three celebrities. I’m sure there are loads more people who don’t want me as their friend. Some of them are probably my friends now.

The other two celebrities to not be my friend are David Hasslehoff and Joey Greco. We all know who the Hoff is. I guess he was too busy beating his wife to be my friend. Not many people know who Joey Greco is. He is the host of the syndicated show Cheaters. That guy is so cool. I have an autographed picture of Greco. I am a pretty huge loser. Oh well. Like most of my life to this point, none of that had any point to it whatsoever.

Normally I would post something trivial here. Today I am going to do something a little different.

A woman I work with lost her 22 year old son this past weekend in a very tragic way. I want to end this by saying my thoughts and prayers are with her.

Life is short and it is important to remember to cherish each moment. None of us are here for very long and tomorrow isn’t promised today.

Rest in peace Brandon.

- Joel David

Happy Wednesday literate companions. I dunno where that came from. Yes I do. I was hanging out at Barnes & Noble and heard one of those ‘book type’ women say that. You know the type. The kind of woman who walks around the store with an eco-friendly canvas bag touting her political views on it. The type of woman who wears her grey hair in a bun and doesn’t wear make-up and wears a sweatshirt with a cat on it and some flowers over a white turtle neck and an ankle length denim skirt. That type of woman. So there’s that.

There seemed to be quite a bit of response given for my alluding to the connection between back tattoos on women and promiscuity by said women. It wasn’t a full on condemnation of all lower back tattoo sporting females. Just most of them. It is silly for me to say that all women with back tattoos exhibit the type of sexual behavior practiced by my ex-girlfriend, who, surprisingly, did not have a back tattoo but was a bit of a promiscuous creature. I wish she would have had a back tattoo but with all the time she spent on her back I guess it was hard for her to find the time. SNAP-A-ROO

Moving on.

I recently saw some video of myself and was appalled. I seem to have misplaced my neck over the past year. Of course by ‘misplaced’ I mean hid it under a layer of fat. So that being my motivation, aside from not having had a girlfriend since the last winter Olympics, not this past one but the one before, I have decided to get healthy. I will be documenting my weight loss on video for all of you who don’t care as it is. We’re going to call it Look @ OKC presents “Watch An Ugly Fat Guy Turn Into an Ugly Skinny Guy ”. It will be just like VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club but with less Bruce Vilanch and way more pseudo-celebrities like me. Speaking of being a celebrity, I wanted to address something Ogle related.

I recently found out that when you download my podcast through iTunes that you also get local news legend Kelly Ogle’s editorials ‘My Two Cents’ whether you want them or not. Let me say this Mr. Ogle. Stop riding my coattails! When people want to download some jackass with a mic, me, they don’t want thought provoking editorials given by someone who is a broadcast legend, you. They don’t want to hear someone who has years of journalistic experience and a real broadcasting job. No. They want to hear me and my friends ramble on and on about things that not many people understand. People don’t want something rife with journalistic integrity. They want to hear me talk about getting drunk. Now that’s something. So don’t think you’ve pulled one over on me good sir. I’ve got my eye on you. I would have said ‘eyes’ but after that knife fight in Bangkok I had, sadly, it’s eye. That’s my two cents.

I really should have followed the advice given to me by my father before he died. “Never provoke an Ogle.” he said. Wise words from a man who died after provoking a gaggle of Ogles.

No transition, just more ramblings. Here goes.

I went to the movies yesterday and noticed that one of the candy items they were selling was the Batman Begins Chewable Sour Candy. That movie came out a long time ago. I know it’s silly to talk about the quality of a movie theater’s concession stand, but they could at least update their movie related candy products. Since they didn’t have anything recent I just went ahead and ordered the ‘Jurassic Park Jujubees’ and the ‘Demolition Man Twizzlers’. Those were Stallone-a-riffic. It was kind of cool because I got Wesley Snipes to sign my box. He was already working behind the counter so it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience for him.

Now it’s time to get all weird.

I was putting in some TV time yesterday and found a show called Hi-5. It’s a show for kids. I mean like really young kids. Why did I end up watching about ten minutes of that show? Her name is Jennifer Peterson-Hind. Have a look.

They really shouldn’t put women that look like that on a kids show. She seems to be pretty talented too. I mean she showed as much talent one can muster when singing to a crowd of six year olds. If anyone would like to tell me if it is creepy that I ended up watching a show meant for kids for all the wrong reasons, don’t judge me. I am going to be shallow and dub her the hottest cast member of any kid’s show ever. That is barring any kid’s show on Univison or Telemundo.

So that means I watch Spanish TV and I’m not Hispanic and I watch a kid’s show and I’m far from a kid. I really need to lose weight so I can back down to dating weight. Joel needs a girlfriend and a life. Not really in that order either.

“Joel you always talk about how women shouldn’t be objectified yet you go ahead and talk about how attractive some girl on a kid’s show is.” Yeah, well I don’t think women should be objectified but I’m also not stupid. That girl is crazy hot. Sorry. If that makes me seem shallow then so be it. I’ve been called worse. Now understand that I say she looks hot but there is a better than good chance the she is not funny. That’s a huge deal for me. I’ve yet to find a woman who can make me laugh that isn’t already married or hasn’t spit on me. So yeah. There’s that.

In an effort to make the ‘Joel Experience At Look @ OKC’ the interactive entertainment juggernaut I know it is about to become, I am going to start something called ‘Joel’s Poll’. I will solicit for comments at the beginning of each week to be covered on the audio podcast. It could range from everything from people’s favorite cheese to people’s favorite Ralph Macchio movie involving karate. Just be ready people. It’s gonna be as funny as I’ll get out.

March is ‘Frozen Food Appreciation Month’. Today, the frozen food I am most appreciative of is…..

BEN AND JERRY’S DAVE MATTHEW’S BAND MAGIC BROWNIE ICE CREAM!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Rocky Racoon by the Beatles off of the White Album - This song, for some reason, is one of the most heartbreaking songs I’ve ever heard. I’m not trying to depress anyone. It’s just a really good song is all. Sorry.

MOVIE - V for Vendetta. If you aren’t pissed about the current state of the country and all things Bush related, go see this movie. That ought to do it for you.

Holla.

- Joel David

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

Good Monday.

“Where have you been Joel?” I’ll tell you. Let’s start with Thursday. I moved from Norman to Oklahoma City. I have lived in Norman for almost seven years. I love that town. It’s the best place outside of Oklahoma City and Edmond to be rich and white. I’m not either of those so that’s why I say that. Purely observation. Back to talking about what I hadn’t started talking about yet.

I loathe moving. I hate every single aspect of it. Next time I move I’m gonna hire someone to do it for me. That’s pretty much the same approach my ex-girlfriend took when she hired that man hooker for herself with money I gave her. It wasn’t some sort of kinky thing it’s just I really believed she needed fifty bucks and three hours alone with some guy named Tyrone because she told me he was a contractor. I should have asked why he was only wearing a tool belt and a hard hat and why they had to meet at a Motel 6 but I’m stupid.

My roommate Jacob and my friend Adam helped me move. We knocked it out in less than four hours. The problem is that I over did it. I’m not in the best shape, unless you consider best shape to be a blob. I could barely move by Thursday night. I hadn’t even unpacked yet and still had St. Patrick’s Day to look forward to. Damn you Irish Christmas! (That’s what I call St. Patrick’s Day.)

What better way to follow up a day of strenuous moving then by spending the day beating my liver with green beer. I awoke Friday morning at seven a.m. to go to O’Connells in Norman. That’s the best place to get drunk by noon. Well there or behind a 7-11. There’s way more hot girls at O’Connells though.

I started drinking about ten-thirty. It took me three and a half hours to get to O’Connells because I was so sore from moving. I know you didn’t ask but I figured I’d explain myself to the person who reads this, so basically me.

Here are some quick highlights from my trip, in no particular order.

- Met a great girl from Dibble whose name I can’t remember but I remember her dog’s name. My memory is bad enough as it is without green dye and alcohol gumming up the works. DAMN YOU ALCOHOL!

- Saw a poker playing midget. I’m not lying.

I’ll be doing a podcast on my whole St. Patrick’s Day adventure. Check that out. I can totally wait too.

So let’s move on. I want to talk about how the Southside OKC Wal-Mart isn’t as bad as you might think. “Why not?” you ask. There are few places on Earth where racists and minorities come together under one roof. Value apparently allows people of limited education and an abundance of hate to set aside their white trash, racist, ways just to get a good value on chicken strips. I have never seen more people with southern flag tattoos shopping side by side with people they claim are ruining this country.

Now I’m not judging EVERY person with a southern flag tattoo by assuming they are racists. It is difficult to refute though. That’s like making an assumption about all women with back tattoos. It’s impossible that they are all promiscuous. Right?

Now that I’ve talked bad about everyone from racists to hot girls, in honor of frozen food appreciation month, it’s time to tell you all the frozen food I appreciate today….

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Perfect Situation by Weezer. The video for this song is good because Elisha Cuthbert is nice to look at but really brutal on the ears.

MOVIE - Election. Still Reese Witherspoon’s best performance.

Happy birthday Jonathan. Well, day after your birthday, but you get the point. I’m a horrible brother.

Holla.

- Joel

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

One whole week since I’ve posted. All of you must be not disappointed. I am moving today so I won’t be able to make this the time wasting diatribes all two of you who read this are used to.

I don’t like that moving is such a pain. Between the truck, the deposit, the having to register with local law enforcement, packing, it’s all pretty inconvenient.

I am pretty pumped that it is St. Patrick’s Day eve. Tonight’s the night I leave a plate of pretzels and a glass of whiskey for when St. Patrick visits my house while I sleep and leaves me my St. Patrick’s day gifts. He is too real!

I seriously am going to have to wrap this up as they are going to turn off the internet today. Shortest blog ever. Check out my March Madness picks and my podcasts. That will help you get through your work day and also make you glad you’re not me.

FROZEN FOOD I APPRECIATE TODAY

RICE PILAF!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Galaxy Bounce by the Chemical Brothers. Even with their repetitive nature, their music is still just right to get one pumped up about moving. Well that and the neighborhood I live in all voted me out because of an unfortunate misunderstanding involving my Christmas lights and a fire.

MOVIE - The Princess Bride. One of my favorite movies. What’s that? No I’m not a girl?!

Holla.

- Joel

www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

www.chkona.com

Tomorrow better be the best Friday of my entire life. I say that because after the incredibly awful day I’ve had, the law of averages says I’m due for a fantastic day. Possibly the most fantastic day of my life. A day rife with prosperity in all things Joel related. “Surely it can’t have been that bad.” Well I’ll tell you about it and then you can make the decision as to how horrible today went or if it’s all in my head.

I awoke this morning to a glorious new day. I woke up pretty early because I had to go to the dentist for my cleaning and to get a filling. No big deal. I mean I hate getting my teeth cleaned because it’s always the same thing. “Stop drinking pop. Start flossing more regularly. Stop chewing on gravel.” Basically a guilt trip but with a whole lot of plaque scraping.

Also, as is the case at every dentist I’ve ever gone to, the dental hygienist was cute. It’s an unspoken rule that all dentists must have at least one girl on their staff that is intimidatingly attractive. My dentist has two women like that.

I had told her that I had a toothache on the right side of my mouth. They took an x-ray and I needed to get a root canal. That will be number six for me. They say it’s caused by stress. Great.

So after the cleaning I got a root canal. Not a good way to start any day. A root canal in the morning is something not even Hitler would condone.

When I left the dentist’s office, with my face feeling as swollen as Tina Turner’s after sassing Ike, I was still in a semi-positive mood. I had gotten my car back after all. Since I was on the side of town my mechanic was on I called him to see if he could do an oil change. He said no problem so I dropped my car off and headed home, compliments of my brother. Not but twenty minutes after I got home my mechanic called me and said the car was ready. I asked him if there were any problems that he noticed. He said that the transmission was messed up. What? That couldn’t be right. He said that it was leaking transmission fluid really bad. He also said that a bolt that holds something together in my engine was missing. You remember when Daffy Duck would get so mad that no sound came out and nothing but a small puff of black smoke appeared above his head as he clenched his fists at his side? That’s pretty much how I reacted upon hearing my transmission was jacked up.

I went back up to my mechanic’s and he showed me what was missing. I drove over to the transmission shop that I got my car back from less than twenty-four hours earlier. I went in and told them that it was leaking transmission fluid. The woman said “Why are you worried about that?” I told her because I had just dropped $750.00 on a transmission and despite my lack of knowledge of almost all things car related, I was pretty sure that transmission fluid shouldn’t be leaking from my car. A mechanic who was in there said that I was right.

I also told them about the missing bolt. The mechanic didn’t know what I was talking about. I popped the hood and showed him. He said that it was probably missing when I brought it in. I told him that since that part where the bolt should be was sparkling silver and the rest of the engine was nowhere near that color, that probably wasn’t true. He said that it had no impact on the car’s drivability. I said that I wanted it replaced and I wanted the transmission fixed. He said no problem but that he wasn’t sure when he could get to it or whether or not it was covered by the warranty. Son-of-a-gun. I was so super pissed at this point. I was polite and didn’t yell or copped any kind of ‘tude but on the inside I was a “mushroom cloud laying mother f–ker”. That last part was from Pulp Fiction for all of you not wondering.

I told them that I had only had the car for less then twenty-four hours in the past week, which is when I first dropped the car off. The woman then asked me the stupidest question I was asked all day. “Is that your only means of transportation?” She was serious. I almost said “No. This is my weekend car. I like to throw all sorts of money into a car that I don’t drive that often. I mean I am a bit of a celebrity and all but not to where I have a couple of Escalades. I’m still living that crazy single car lifestyle that is apparently so rare these days.”

They said they would get it to it ‘first thing in the morning’. I said fine and got in my brother’s car and we headed back to Norman. I called my mechanic on the way home and told him what was going on. He said that the missing bolt wouldn’t effect the drivability of the car for a while but that the bracket the bolt held in place kept the line that ran to the clutch in place so it wouldn’t shake around and eventually split causing damage to the clutch. How odd that the part missing would cause damage to the same exact part they tried to up-sell me when they were already getting money out of me for the transmission. Huh. A mechanic that would intentionally sabotage a car so it would screw up and I would have to end up buying a part I refused to buy? Surely not.

I was so pissed that I forgot about the root canal issue until I got home and started eating a sandwich. That was a mistake and a quick reminder of the pain that anger had masked so well up until that point. It felt like someone hit my tooth with a hammer. It was at this point I let loose with a string of profanity that rivals anything uttered by a sane human. I think I even made up some curse words. If anyone can tell me if the words ‘herk’ and ‘munder’ are offensive then I will add those newly created curse words to my already elaborate lexicon of words not fit to utter around children or nuns.

I know that’s not the worse day of my life. I’ve had worse but today is in the top twenty. Easy. Because I don’t have a temper either, you know it’s bad when I get ticked off. I’m not one of these people to fly into rages either. Not even today. I just get pissed and then laugh about it. Wait. That’s not true. I left a part out. I get pissed, beat a hobo until he stops moving and then laugh about it. Yeah. That’s it.

I didn’t mean to unload on all the person who read this. Speaking of which…..

I would like to thank NICOLE for leaving a comment yesterday about how she enjoyed my writing. That makes up for the transmission thing. Thanks NICOLE.

So it’s time for that segment of today’s writing where I list what frozen food I’m appreciative for today as March is frozen food appreciation month. Today’s food…….

GOYA BRAND FROZEN BANANAS!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Daughters by John Mayer off of the album Heavier Things. Things like transmissions and root canals don’t seem so bad knowing that someday I’ll be someone’s dad. I don’t know when or how but I’m sure it’ll happen and this song will mean a lot more to me than it already does. Anyone who has a daughter should listen to this song and take it to heart.

MOVIE - Waiting with Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds is one of the funniest people on the planet and how he is not more popular than he is, is beyond me.

APOLOGY - I would like to apologize to anyone who read this and got the impression I’m just a whiney sissy. I’m not, I just got kind of hacked and decided to write about it. I’m sorry you had to read that.

Holla.

- Joel

www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

Good morning people.

I know that to complain about the shady nature of auto mechanics is as constructive as complaining about the president. It sure is fun though, so here goes.

Last week my transmission went out. I took it to the transmission place and they told me it would take four business days and $850.00. I haven’t spent that kind of money in that short amount of time since the last time I ordered a mail order bride. I have ordered a lot of mail order brides. They really should cut holes in the box before they ship them.

So I dropped my car off last Thursday morning. I called there Friday to question whether or not the $850.00 was a firm price, just to be sure. They told me they had pulled the transmission and that they noticed the clutch was pretty worn down. They told me it would be wise to replace the clutch while they had the transmission pulled to avoid paying at least another $400.00 down the road at some point. When I questioned how much extra that would run me they told me $280.00. Now I’m looking at a bill of over a grand. I don’t have $850.00 let alone another $280.00 to throw down on my ride. Despite what you think, writing a blog pays nothing. Probably because you can’t put a price tag on the type of comedic genius I periodically provide you. I’ll put a price on it though. By my calculations $1130.00 ought to cover it.

I told them that I couldn’t afford the clutch right now and they told me they would just go ahead and fix the transmission. That’s awful big of them. For that kind of money I should get my transmission fixed and Jennifer Love Hewitt’s home phone number.

I waited all weekend and was expecting a call on Monday about my car. No call. That didn’t matter though because there were two episodes of ‘24′ on and that kind of made up for it. Well not really but dammit if this isn’t the best season of that show. Ok. Back to my story that matters not.

I call them yesterday, the fourth of the four business days I was told it would take. The guy says “Well we’re still waiting on goodies from the Honda place.” I’m glad I took my car to a place that is so credible that the mechanics refer to car parts as goodies. What an enchanted garage this must be. I swear that better be on my invoice. Labor - $400.00 Goodies - $450.00. He told me to give him a call today ‘after lunch’. Based on what I imagine a mechanic’s lunch time being that could mean anytime after noon but not before four.

I guess I shouldn’t be pissed about my car being in the shop. I don’t have the money to go out and do anything now anyway. My time is best spent concocting ways to make a lot of money, fast. I won’t say what idea I’ve come up with but the most promising so far rhymes with ‘keth mab’. I’m no good at science though so that probably wouldn’t work out too well.

I still have a car I can drive, compliments of my brother. I gave him my old car and he said I could drive it until I got my car back. I hate to repeat myself. I hate to repeat myself but that car is the biggest piece of crap. I’m 6′ 3″ and my head touches the ceiling. You know how you see someone driving a car way too small and you laughed at that guy. That was more than likely me. When I told my friend Thomas I had got a new car he said “Good. Now it won’t look like you’re wearing your car.” Almost all of my friends are smart asses.

Now that I’ve wasted a whole lot of your time with another tale of the mundane, I’ll wrap this up.

March is frozen food appreciation month so if you see some frozen food walking down the street, shake his or her hand and thank them for all they do.

The frozen food I appreciate today is………………….

COOKED WINTER SQUASH!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - Nasty Boy by Dj Cappel and Smitty off of Blue Eyes and Bed Stuy. I’m not one to usually condone the mashing of two types of music because it usually doesn’t work. When it does work though I can’t help but notice it. Check out the track at www.myspace.com/blueeyesmeetsbedstuy because this is one of the best I’ve ever heard. I love Frank and I love Biggie and never the twain shall meet unless it is dope beyond reproof. This is some pretty beyond reproof dopeness right here. Also, I’m white and therefore am not an authority on anything cool so you make the call.

MOVIE - Pulp Fiction. I watched that movie again recently and it is amazing how good that movie is. I would put that in my all time top ten list. However I would probably put Sideout on that list too so keep in mind what a complete and utter pop culture non-authority I am.

Holla.

- Joel

Good morning. It’s your not-so-old pal Joel here again to help your workday go by all the smoother by providing you with the humor and thought provoking words you’ve all come to know and tolerate out of pity for me.

I would like to know where all the smart and funny women are hiding. Every time you turn on the television or go to a club or bar there is no shortage of women who look and act like Paris Hilton. That’s not smart and it certainly isn’t attractive. Not to me anyway.

Women can go ahead and try to blame men for stereotypes of women perpetuated by men, but being a guy, and knowing a lot of guys, not a one of them I know has ever said “Man. If I could find a girl who acts dumber than a sack of bricks and puts all of her time into how she looks I would truly be happy.”

I’m not saying this to bash women or even begin to imply that women aren’t smart or funny. I know you exist. Somewhere. You might be asking what prompted such a seemingly random subject. You’re not? Well too bad. I’m going to tell you anyway. Rachel Harris and Pink. Rachel Harris is the blonde woman who has made a career by cracking wise on VH1 about everything from toys to the 80’s. She is funny and seems to be smart. Pink’s latest single, Stupid Girls, pretty much trashes all the stereotypes of women that MTV takes so much pride in showing. Good for her.

If women want to not be looked at as objects, then start doing something about it. Stop thinking songs about taking another woman’s boyfriend away from her are good. Stop emulating women like Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan. Stop getting plastic surgery because you think it will make you feel better about yourself. Guys don’t care! If you do have a guy in your life who does care about things like that, maybe it’s your choice in men and not your breast size that needs to be adjusted.

I know that some women might take this wrong, but you have to understand I’m on your side here. I’m not saying that an attractive woman isn’t nice to look at, but after looks fade, and they will fade, what else is there? I’m not saying this just because I want to date someone who is funny and smart. I’m saying this because I know that women deserve so much more than their mascot being a promiscuous heiress.

This is not at all meant to bash women. This was intended to just express my opinion. What’s that? You want to know what women would be better emulated than Paris Hilton ‘voice in my head’? Well here is the short list in no particular order. Fiona Apple, Kate Winslett, Rachel Harris, Sarah Silverman, Kari Byron, Missy Elliot, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Janeane Garafalo, Natalie Portman, Bonnie Hunt, Sarah Vowell, Meg White, Rachel Dratch and Ellen Degeneres are all women who are their own person and who are all either talented, funny, smart or all three. The world would be a much better place if there were more strong, smart, funny and talented women. None of those women fit a stereotype yet all are successful. I guess I’d just like to tell women they are better than the stereotypes. Had I just said that at the beginning I could have gone ahead and saved you all that time you just spent reading this. Sorry.

Frozen food I appreciate today?

NIBLET EARS!

RIGHT NOW

SONG - When the Sun Goes Down by the Arctic Monkeys off of the album ‘Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not’ - He’s a scumbag, don’t ya know?

MOVIE - Forrest Gump - Because it’s the only movie I can think of right now.

Rest in peace Kirby.

- Joel
www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

Good Sunday morning. It’s Joel time y’all. I don’t know what that means but I bet it’s kind of lame.

I just bruised my hand on my computer desk and it hurts. I guess the computer desk should have known not to talk back to me.

So this last Friday I had a bit of an adventure. What’s that? You don’t want to read about it because it will probably just end up disappointing you? Well now you’ll know what it feels like to have dated me.

My friend, who, for the sake of the story we’ll call Ricky Boombastic, came up unexpectedly from Dallas Friday night. That’s not even close to his real name but it’s my story. He called and wanted to get a beer. I told him I had planned on meeting some people at the Cross Eyed Moose because I loves to be classy. I had only planned on going up there for a little while as I was supposed to go to Brother’s in Norman to meet some friends who I have yet to officially meet. That’s right, I’m an internet dweeb with friends I’ve never met. If the disappointment that comes with meeting me for the first time is anywhere close to meeting someone who knows me through e-mails and phone calls I kind of feel sorry for them. Anyhoo…..

So Ricky Boombastic rolls by and picks me up at my house, which is good because my car is in the shop. As a result of my Accord being in the shop I have been relegated to driving the car I drove before I got the one that recently broke, a 1989 Volkswagen Fox. I forgot how much I hated that car. No power steering. No CD player. No leg room. No class.

Because I don’t trust the car I have to get me down the street, Ricky Boombastic and I head up to meet a couple of people at ‘The Moose’ in his car. I kept telling him we couldn’t stay long as I had to be back in Norman. We were there for a little while with my friends Greg and Chad and Chad’s girlfriend Angela. We had a couple of beers and then we saw a girl come in to the bar that we all knew. We invited her and her friend to sit with us and then the super heavy drinking started. This girl started ordering round after round of shots. There wasn’t one point where there wasn’t a drink of some sort in front of me that I didn’t order. That’s always a bonus.

I kept checking my watch and mentioning that I had to be back in Norman. After an hour of the type of drinking reserved for Russians and rock stars, the prospect of Ricky Boombastic driving back down to Norman anytime soon faded away like the careers of every member of Color Me Badd.

Before we knew it the waitress told us it was last call. The girl who was buying us shots invited us all over to her friend’s house to continue what was turning into a marathon drinking-fest. We all head over to this girls house and everyone but me started drinking more. I wasn’t drunk, I just didn’t care.

Just a side note, this girl had a dog at her house that she kept claiming was a pure bred Shar-Pei. I know less about dogs than I do about cars or women. However I do know what a Shar-Pei looks like and this dog was not a Shar-Pei. I told her I didn’t think it was and she got super defensive to the point she said she had papers on it and that she would show me. Like that was the mitigating factor in my believing something is what it clearly isn’t. I’m sure had she shown me the ‘papers’ they would have been written in crayon. Kudos to the guy who sold that dog to her though. Spending money on a dog under the impression it was a pure bred Shar-Pei is almost like spending money on a burger that someone told you was a pizza.

Chad and Angela left this girl’s house to go home around three and so it was me, Ricky Boombastic, the girl who got ripped off by a dog salesman and the shot girl left. I wanted to leave but Ricky Boombastic was still recovering for the previous five hours of straight consumption. The Shar-Pei girl went to bed and Ricky Boombastic and the shot girl fell asleep on the couch. As I didn’t have a car and no access to Ricky Boombastic’s keys, I decided to roll up my coat and lay on the floor. Then the thought of being mauled in the middle of the night by some demonic, patchy haired, not Shar-Pei beast entered my mind. I stood up and began my trek to the nearest 7-11 so I could call a cab.

In the past I have been out very late and have seen someone walking down the street and wonder what the hell someone is doing walking that late at night. I no longer will wonder about that. I got to the 7-11 and asked the guy if they had a phone book. They didn’t. How does any establishment that carried everything from burritos to tampons not have a yellow pages? I called information on my cel and finally got a hold of a cab company. It took them forty-five minutes to get there. The downside to that was I had wait forty-five minutes in front of a 7-11 at four in the morning. In the past I have been out very late and have seen someone waiting in front of a 7-11. I have thought that maybe that person was a prostitute or drug dealer. I will no longer think that.

The cab picked me up and I made it back to Norman at five am and also forty dollars poorer. That sucked pretty bad. The upside of the whole situation is that I was able to fill all of this space with a story that really isn’t all that good and only slightly funny. Well only slightly funny because it happened to me. If it was someone that wasn’t me I would find this story pretty entertaining. As I am me and not someone else I can’t tell though.

In honor of March being Frozen Food Appreciation month I am going to tell you what food I appreciate for each entry in March.

Today’s food? Frozen okra!

RIGHT NOW

Song - The Sound of Milwaukee by Fatboy Slim off of Better Living Through Chemistry. Apparently Milwaukee sounds a lot like a techno song.

Movie - The Ladykillers with Tom Hanks. This movie has one of the best ensemble casts ever. I highly recommend it. One of the worst ensemble casts ever? Anything starring Justin Guarini.

Holla.

- Joel
www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd

I had written quite possibly the funniest and most thought provoking thing ever written by any one person yesterday. It rivaled anything Hemingway, Shakespeare or Ann Landers could have ever hoped to write. That’s right. I said Ann Landers. I was about to post it into the blog and then realized I hadn’t saved it. That has only happened to me once before. Instead of being a man about it and writing it over I just went ahead and spent the rest of the day crying and watching reruns of Saved by the Bell. That’s how I handle most things in my life.

So let’s talk about the Coldplay and Fiona Apple show as that is the best thing that happened to me this week. First of all, I’m about in love with Fiona Apple. I have liked her ever since her first album came out. I wanted to see her live because I like her music, I think she is talented and she is my future wife. She apparently doesn’t know it yet despite all of the letters and videos and gifts I’ve sent her. That’s not true. I didn’t send her gifts.

Fiona Apple would be the perfect woman for me because unlike previous women I’ve dated at least Fiona is open and honest about her craziness. Honesty is always good even if it concerns one’s emotional instability. At the show Monday she was acting like a bit of a fuh-reek. That’s fine. See, in my mind a girl who gets all that out on stage is probably completely normal off stage. That just means she won’t take out all of her angst fueled rage on me. Hypothetically of course.

Fiona Apple performed for about forty-five minutes and it was a good set. After about forty-five minutes of stage preparation by a crew of haggard looking roadies, Coldplay took the stage. I like Coldpay a lot. I always have. However Monday just confirmed that I wasn’t wrong in thinking they are one of the best bands of my generation. They played a great set and the crowd was on it’s feet for the entire hour or so they played. In all of the events I have attended at the Ford Center I have never heard a crowd cheer that loud before. Wait, Promise Keepers was close. Those guys cheer super loud.

By far Coldplay was one of the best concerts I have ever been to. It was the best thing to happen to me in a while. As is the case with my life though, for every good thing that happens, something pretty crummy seems to be waiting right around the corner for me. In this case it involved my transmission. For some reason the second gear decided that it would just stop working. I had to shift from first to third. That made everyone who was driving behind me so super happy it wasn’t funny. Off to the transmission place I go where they told me that it was going to cost $850.00 to fix. That’s good seeing as how, just like most of you I’m sure, I have $850.00 just lying around ready to be spent on something. Right before that happened to my car I was wondering what the best way would be for me to spend almost a grand on something. Thanks faulty transmission for making that decision for me!

So I dropped the car off at the mechanics this morning. The ‘good’ thing is that I had given my old car to my brother J.P. so he said I could drive that until I got my car back. That was nice of him I thought. I picked up my old car and the second I got in it I realized how much I hated it. It was the same type of feeling you get if you run into someone you used to date and then wonder how the hell you ever put up with that person for as long as you did. My old car is a 1989 Volkswagen Fox with no power steering. I’m six-three which I think is twice as tall as that car is long. If a bird hits that car I’m pretty sure I’m done for. I really can’t wait to get my car back.

So a podcast is up so all of my adoring fan can hear the sweet sound of my voice. I know none of you asked for that but it’s free so there ya go. I can’t stand to hear my own voice. Not because I don’t like it but I am taken aback at how much I sound like Barry White. I am just that sexy. Not really but sometimes when I lie to myself it makes me feel a little better.

I know I’m cutting this short, and I know none of you can take much more of me complaining about my transmission woes so I’ll wrap this up.

For those select few of you who don’t know it, March is ‘Frozen Food Appreciation’ month. In keeping in accordance with my self imposed recognition of all things trivial I now bring you ‘The Frozen Food I Appreciate Today’

FROZEN PEAS!

RIGHT NOW

Song - What If by Coldplay off of X&Y. The Coldplay show made me realize that the impact of their songs would probably be much more appreciated if I was in love. Other things that would be appreciated if I was in love? Me. YOWZA!

Movie - Sideout. I recently told a popular morning radio personality about this epic volleyball adventure. I think he doubted me. Well let me say this Nugget. It exists and you should have a copy of it on your desk next week. It is truly one of the best things ever.

I would like to give a special thanks to Chad Conant with Ch Kona Entertainment for producing my podcast.

Rest in peace Grape Top.

- Joel David
www.chkona.com
www.myspace.com/joeldavidd